A scary gamble or the real deal?

Titi Asks:

Hi, I love your site. So ill jump right in, met a pisces on a dating site 2 months ago (fresh I know-but I’m an Aquarius, moon in Leo, Venus in pisces-his moon is in Capricorn, Venus in Taurus-both 27)

Any ways, since our first email we just clicked! Within a few exchanges, we realized alot of similarities, and exchanged numbers. He contacted me immediately, and we talked on the phone a minimum of four hours each, for the next few days. Our first two dates were great, good energy and chemistry. We were in synch. Once or twice he asked during hanging out “where have I been all this time” and After a playful third date, his demeanor changed to a more serious note at the car as he declared “he knows what’s in front of him, and he thinks my ex is crazy for letting me go.” Also said something about letting time tell if its real or not..(I’m wondering how much time)

We’ve had sex twice, and afterwards he always repeats how ” dangerous” I am while having this goofy yet devilish grin while shaking his head. There was a moment 4 weeks in where I got really busy, (which I gave a heads up) and then he got “busy” unapologetically, he didn’t answer call or reply for three days (when we’ve talked everyday since meeting until that point) He acted confused when I pointed it out and told him my concerns – but afterwards I also apologized because I felt like I was being a dramaqueen/pmsing (but he assured me I wasn’t) nevertheless, since then, we’ve still been going out, having good convo, and good vibes- but his availability isn’t as open as it was before which I’m not overly concerned about but its does make me wonder.I just get antsy every now and then when he waits ten hours to text back or when I haven’t seen him for 3 or4 days… It’s not hot and heavy like it was in the first few weeks, but we still have a strong connection whenever we do connect-it just isn’t as frequent.

I should note that he is a struggling writer, so not by any means well-off. But I’ve always played that situation down cheerfully, giving other ideas for cost effective dates, and when we do go out, I pay my own way most times. (which I don’t mind) he’s stated that he wanted to find a job to support me/our relationship and also last week he’s said that I make him want to go out and buy me gifts, but I think he was horny at that time lol. So at this point, he’s calling/seeing me a little less , sprinkled with a few “emotional confessions”. He’s also shared that he’s only had 1 “real” relationship. His chart says he can tend to be noncommittal. But I still don’t know what to make of it… I’m getting nervous because I’m starting to fall for him. So I wonder

-how do I know if he’s still feeling hot about me or only luke warm?
-how do I move things forward? (to commitment)
-also, I wonder what he does when he disappears, and its important to me if we do more forward. How/ when should I ask?

Thanks so much for your advice, my gut and heart are telling me we are on the right track and to be patient. (which is very hard) but my brain wonders how to make it official! ? looking forward to your incite ❤

Titi,

From what you wrote it feels like he has say a logistical void in his life where you can potentially be the answer to it. However, he can’t just bluntly say it and instead works off of the “love” and “connection” you two have as a way to suggest you into it. I am basing this on key points such as how fast the relationship has developed along with his response times where like you say the connection doesn’t seem as strong. In that sense, I think you may be interpreting this “connection” stronger than it really is.

This might be a little complicated, but think of it with this scenario. There is a girl and guy who is in the same class where she is intellectually smarter than him where she gets A’s and he is getting D’s. Of course, one of the goals in school is to at least get a passing grade. This is something he is struggling with and needs help. This girl then takes a shine to him and they go out. Now for the most part he does like her and all but not in a head over heels way. However, she does. Because of her physical presence in his life he starts to get C’s in school. So even though he isn’t head over heels for her this is like an even more positive reason to give her attention and all as it’s worth it to have her in his life.

Then one day she has to leave for like a trip or whatever. During this time his grades go back down to a D as he needed her to physically be there to improve his grades. Therefore, the motivation to give her that attention isn’t there anymore as he “likes” her but isn’t head over heels in love with her. Therefore, he doesn’t reply fast to her messages, doesn’t seem as interested in being with her, etc. So it’s not like he was “using” her per se, but the relationship helped him to fill a logistical void in his life before which was a big attraction for him. Without that it isn’t the same.

So in my view, you need to find out what this void is. Because as of now, from what you wrote it doesn’t sound like he is genuinely “hot” for you solely as the person you are regardless of what comes out of his mouth. Think about it too. Saying he knows what is in-front of him and that your ex is crazy for letting you go yet he doesn’t reply back promptly? So to me this would translate to there is an external factor to this relationship that lights the fire of him liking you.

That could be anything. Example, it could be because of the sex or because you somehow helped with his struggling writer situation. Because for a person like me, if I am “hot” for you I want to help you grow while always being there for you in a consistent way. No action on your part needed. If he isn’t doing this kind of stuff then it is just “lukewarm” as you say.

If what I said above is true, then to move this forward you simply need to identify what that external factor in the relationship is. You should be able to find this out by “reading in between the lines” of the stuff he says to you. As an example, you said that he said he wanted to find a job to support the relationship to say buy you gifts. To me, that can mean what he is really saying is he would love it if you were like the bread winner in this relationship as that is something he can’t offer and needs someone to accept the responsibilities for. That would be an example of an external factor too where if he sees that will likely not happen as he is expected to be it or that it has to be equal then he will slowly lose interest.

Same thing with the disappearing, it’s all about trying to find a way to fill in that void. If I were you, I think the best approach is to do it through his art. You say he is a writer. Dive more into that as if you are genuinely curious about his profession. Learn about the stuff he writes and what inspires him to do so. From there, dig deeper as to his vision on how he foresees his future and his plans to get there. From there, you should be able to see if you as a person fit into his lifestyle as you are obviously concerned about commitment and we are trying to see how you may potentially fit into his vision. You can technically start all this right away in my opinion.