Ask A Pisces Man Mailbag November 12, 2012

Katie Asks:

Hi Alan!

I’m so glad I found your site, and I really hope you can answer me and help see a bit clearer, cause I met a Pisces guy and I’m “dancing around” with him for over two months now.

He works at my workplace 3 times a week at night. I work evening shift so our shifts overlap one hour. He is really handsome (all the girls check him out) and he has a worked out body, so my terrible prejudgement made me overlook him for some weeks.

Then one time he came to my desk and started talking to me. We just talked about general stuff first, but pretty fast I realized telling him a lot of deeper details about myself.

Then gradually I saw that he is spending more and more time with me, until he started to basically from his moment of arrival coming to me and not moving from my side till I finish and leave work.

Meanwhile, we got so much into talking that I started to stay around after work some hours. He started to become more and more informal with me like hitting me playfully and throwing paperballs and stuff like that.

Then one night after I stayed there for some hours, he offered me to give me a lift home (I live like 40 mins walk from work and I always go by walk). Then gradually whenever I stayed there to talk, when I wanted to leave, he never ever allowed me anymore to walk or take a cab.

Then things started to speed up a bit in the last 3-4 weeks and in certain situations (when I wanna go home or I have to go and talk to some other male workmate) he started to playfully ask questions like: “Don’t you love me anymore? Are you abandoning me?”

And he started to call me nicknames like “little” or “darling”.

At this point still no physical touch really, exept of hitting me playfully, but that felt like he could not pass by next to me without touching me this way…

I have a raging ex, who unfortunately works at the same company (luckily not at the same workplace) and he is making my life a living hell about this guy (cause he still wants to get back with me).

And the guy went so far to tell me, if my ex ever touches me, he will have to deal with him.

He is really protective of me and all the time attentive (everything should be how it is best for me).

Then last week we were sitting on the sofa afterhours side by side and I was showing him photos on the phone. He started to mess around with my hair and then he pulled it until my head rested on his chest and then he started to caress my head…

Next day I’ve seen him, he was again touching my face when I grabbed his hand and hold onto it for a while. When I let it away (cause I don’t want him to get in trouble while he is working), he grabbed after mine and he held it and started to caress my arm.

Yesterday (the last time I met him) while we were talking my hand ended up in his again. Then we were sitting in the silence for half an hour without one word while I was holding his hand and caressing his back.

Then in the morning he brought me home and we were talking about it that for 4 days we don’t see each other again and he told me: “I am really worried about you for what your ex is doing to you. And please take very good care of yourself.”

And I was out of the car already, but I could not take it and I went back in and embraced him and he was holding me and only told: “Look at my girl!”. I gave a kiss on his neck and we said goodbye.

I know it sounds so stupid for me to write in so many details, but I feel I need to cause I am lost. 🙂

I feel like I am in a totally skizo state, cause we behave like “friends”, he does not ask me out (though he mentioned more times that since we do season work, when it is season, he only works and sleeps, can’t even meet friends and rarely family).

BUT: he brings me home every time and he takes care of me and worries about me. He is on the line of neglecting his job (which he always took so serious) because of spending time with me. He tells these things and he holds my hand and we sit in the silence and they feel so intimate moments… I feel that there is this big attraction, “pull” between us, but somehow neither of us can’t step it over…

So my question is: What on earth is going on? I mean in my sane mind… I do not behave like that with a person I want as a friend… and I feel with my behavior, he has to know that I like him (and not only as a friend). I feel how he treats me, what he does for me and HOW HE LOOKS AT ME that he has to like me. Why is he not making an obvious move?

I really hope you can give me some insight and if there is anything I do wrong or I should be doing, please tell me.

I really really have feelings for this guy, he is amazing, he bears a lot of value for me.

Thank you very much in advance.

Kind Regards, Katie

Katie,

I guess one thing I am not entirely clear about is what exactly does your “raging ex” do when they see each other for him to say things like if he touches you he will do something about it.

Generally speaking though, in that scenario even I wouldn’t make the “obvious move.” Now bear in mind everyone is a little different, but speaking as a person who is usually more on the quiet and reserved side I don’t want to feel like I am the one that is causing conflict for you if that makes sense. Take this raging as example. For me I would have to see something extreme like the guy said of your ex touching you before jumping in whereas someone with a more aggressive personality would probably throw his body into him right away for some spartan. Likewise, that personality is more likely to just ask you directly and all to see how it goes.

I suppose the main thing is communication in regards to what he is in your view or what do you want him to be and most importantly are you truly done with your ex and if so will he have to deal with him and in what capacity? I’m over exaggerating here, but if the ex was crazy to the point where you got a restraining order and told the guy this I betcha that will make it a lot more comforting for him to start engaging more seriously with you. This has nothing to do with who is physically stronger for example. It’s the conflict and whether or not he adds to it.

With the way he is treating you too with what you wrote it’s like one of those he really thinks you are special. But is he right for you to help you in various avenues of life that is bothering you? That is what I get personally when I read the line of “I am really worried about you for what your ex is doing to you. And please take very good care of yourself.” Basically, he doesn’t know what his boundary should be because of things like that. In that sense, it is up to you to communicate things like that with him I think.

Rachel Asks:

I am a Pisces female and in love with a Pisces male. We started off just hanging out, awe stricken by all of our similarities and interests. We became best friends and began having (the best) sex. Everything was perfect for months, I liked him a lot but had recently had a bad breakup with an Aquarius and wasn’t sure I was ready for a new relationship.

My Pisces seemed like he was on the same page since he walked in on his previous gf in bed with another guy. So we stayed in a sort of friends with benefits relationship and would frequently make sure that neither of us was sleeping or seeing anyone else. He began to ask me how he can get through to me, and like a typical Pisces, I would shrug and laugh and say I don’t know. A few months later, we had a (drunken) talk where I confessed everything I loved about him. His eyes twinkled but he said he wasn’t looking for anything right now.

We were at a party and I was pissed off so I did what any girl would do- I flirted with other guys in front of him and even shared my new years kiss with someone I just met that night. This definitely caught my Pisces attention and he rushed to win me back. The next day, I found out he had just started dating a Scorpio girl. I was heartbroken and thought I would never forget him and shut him off from my life. The first time I saw him after that with mutual friends, I acted like he wasn’t even there. Ironically, I began seeing a Scorpio too but still loved my Pisces and knew he was the only one for me- my other fishy half!

Over the next few months, we acted more normally with our mutual friends and he even started flirting in the way that was only evident to us. I waited and waited for when he’d come back to me and my Scorpio relationship fell apart. About 3 weeks later, I heard from my Pisces and he wanted to hang out. I was on my way to a date but I took my own advice I am always giving and followed my heart. He and his Scorpio also broke up although I didn’t press for questions there. He was interrogating me of who I was sleeping with, how long it’s been and if it was good. And he was sensing and picking up on things I hadn’t ever told him.

We began hooking up again but I have a wall up. Im afraid to let him totally in and he’s noticing it saying I’m silent as a bone and giving him short answers. I’m trying to open up again but I’m so afraid of him hurting me. I’ve read that Pisces men coming and going just means he is only interested in emotional needs, not actually me or the relationship. So my question is, is this meant to be or doomed from the start?

Rachel,

Maybe I am a little bias, but to me it seems like you both may be a little confused as to what exactly you want out of a partner first and foremost. Example, does it make sense where if you want the person to be committed to you that a “friends with benefit” mentality promotes that? It takes two to tango there. From my perspective, essentially that is a relationship where you want to get something from the other without any commitment. It’s almost like constantly giving a person money and saying that’s okay as you are just making them happy then getting upset when that same person is not there in times of need. Those actions are fostering that kind of relationship.

In my opinion, you need to be crystal clear first and foremost at what you want and then not abiding to practices that would promote all the stuff that you don’t want in a person. In my opinion for example, you don’t want to get hurt if he is openly dating other women. So the first step should be clarifying with him exactly what kind of relationship you want this to be. If he disagrees and wants it to be open whereas you don’t for example then I am inclined to say it’s not the right match.

Levonne Asks:

Hi, I would greatly appreciate a pisces man’s perspective. I’m wondering if Im wasting my time. I met a pisces guy 6 yrs ago. He had a crush on me and I was older than him. So we both went about our lives for 6 yrs….he became a man and traveled to several countries for 3 yrs, college, etc…i likewise had my heart broken , traveled and I feel have made it to a place that I know myself quite well. WE ran into each other in Dec and he was a man ( so I thought). Asked for my number that night, well better yet, just handed me his phone and told me to put my number in it. haha.

I am Jan 21 Aquarius female. My moon is Scorpio, my mars, Aquarius and my venus is Sagitarrius. he is march 12 with a Libra Moon, aquarius mars, aquarius venus. We really talked nonstop. we were just friends a while which tends to be the Aquarius way. it seems everytime I would leave for a trip , he would up his interest level for example showed up and surprised me when i returned from Thailand the night I got home, then when I went to FL for a concert, he called and asked if I was receptive to being more than friends. I realize it’s when he thinks he can lose me he would man up and be more aggressive. I never made any moves except to be present and I would say sometimes.

I want to see you sometime this week. I wouldn’t ask, then he would just show up. Having dated a Gemini for a couple years…I was already easy going at the whole being late, not making concrete plans being the one with the ideas. Our first physical experience happened when he was going to a music school and a band tour….he just assumed I wouldnt’ support him. he thought I would be negative and bring him down.

Which I’m the kind of female I wouldnt’ be attracted to him if he turned down the tour and wasn’t pursuing his dreams. I am also the type to encourage such endeavors and willing to help finance it. Well I txt him telling him that he’s negative that he would just assume I would think the worst and that i feel insulted he would place me in that catergory of female when I have never once been negative about anything to do with him. he waited till the next day and txt me, that this is why he stays alone, he’s bad with relationships, i guess this is goodbye.

WEll I replied if goodbye is what he wants well fine, but to tell me to my face like a man, then I said, come as you are dowsed in bleach soaked in mud, and I swear I dont have a gun ( song lyrics) and he was at my house in 2 hrs and we attacked each other ( passionately, hahah) first time. he had been abused at 3 yrs by two men in a laundry mat. SO he has issues, but I’m a patient empathetic woman and I’m okay with being patient and working through things.

Then a couple weeks later he goes to school out of state…and he just acts up and does the typical pisces disappearing act, lashed out via technology….im a prick , etc etc, find someone else kind of thing, I immediately think he wants me to say no you’re not, but i say, do you want me to say I need you or something? I thought he wanted validation. However I dont need him, I want him, it’s different. I feel its much better to be wanted than needed. But anyhow ever since then he’s went silent.

When he came home I went and tried to apologize, he yelled at me. I’m 33 and first time Ive ever been yelled at by a guy Ive dated. I didnt’ lose my cool, simply apologized asked for nothing and when I left I txt, that if he’d stood up to me ike that 5 weeks earlier like a man with a backbone I would have been walking his tune all along, typical shocking aquarius…but I want him to see its okay to speak his mind and not to let people push him around, even me. I told him I admired him even though I didnt’ like what he said, because he said he’s disgusted with me and I bring out the worst in him, hahaha, which isn’t true, but is what he said. And of course it hurt.

Then the games began. I’m talking riddles, and I could answer them in no time flat. he would put them on facebook and other people i know would see and knew they were odd. The answer would always be something to do with a memory between us. He would make up crazy stories to fit them in like they really happened …and his friends would take them literal. SO sad to me that they dont’ really know him. Which he thinks I can read his mind, which he loved in the beginning but I think is too much exposure now, haha. I actually tried communicating without speaking. I baked a cake, had a friend deliver to his house. I drew a card and made funny jokes and made a brochure of myself, cue cards, ….and no responses.

So then I just went silent, too. I went to Honduras ..I’m gone 6 days he released a song with my name in it. Not just any song, a screaming song that would put slipknot to shame. I laughed and laughed and then I cried a week later, becuase it hurt my feelings thinking, wow, this is what I inspire, this screaming?! But honestly now a few months later, I laugh everytime i imagine him even singing it, hahahahaha. Then he came out of hiding and started coming into town where he knows I go. Even said a couple mean things where a friend could hear and tell me. I feel he wanted me to get mad and contact him.

But I remained quiet. I even walked in one night where he was at and even though he was with all the boys I hang out with regularly since he was hiding, I turned and walked out without a word. I plainly told him i would not approach or reach for him first again without him reaching for me first. He told me I intimidate and overwhelm him so goodness, perhaps my looks alone could overwhelm. I find it really apalling that people treat him so fragile like when I know he’s a grown man. he’s stronger than he’s behaving. But I would walk away . Trying to give him that space and respect. Even though he’s never spoken to me about our relationship and the fact we were physical i feel highly disrespected like I was just some girl to do him a favor ….which isnt’ true, but still its’ how I feel. So then I go to Columbia to travel a month.

While I’m gone, he prepares some things. This is what I’m unsure of now. What he’s up to. So, he goes to a weekend helping his ex move to TX. Which is a long drive from the east coast. he made sure to tag her in it and thus my best friend saw what he was doing. When normally he’s very secretive, which means he wants me to know. I’m not jealous type, so all it did was make me think he’s either trying to make me jealous and use his ex for it, which is mean…or both. Well then I go to work my first day back from Columbia, and he got a job exactly where I met him 6 yrs earlier….which is a place I walk past about 5 days a week.

So if he’s so scared of me why put himself in my path. If he’s so disgusted with me. Then also when we were seeing each other I would go to this open mic night weekly. he never went with me when we were seeing each other. he’d be at home ….I would go with my other friends or alone. Then the week before I get home he goes and performs at it. and has come both weeks since Ive been back . We both just act like each other isnt’ even there. he also released another album the week i got home that says things in it, like God here she comes again, she likes the scent of my skin and where we met, and also , she wont’ let it go, she wont’ let me go, …..and it says, i know im the one to blame….its like everything contradicts itself. I ran into him out on Saturday night a week or so ago and he actually said, Hi, and touched my arm and I just said, hey and kept going .

I can’t even look in his eyes. He’s rejected me so sorely that I’m h urt and then that mean song. He wrote one that was beautiful, that started out you dont’ speak no but your notions implied, and saying his head’s against the wall he doesn’t know what to decide and she knew me against any sky and sea….that sort of thing, but then a mean song later.

Ive stayed silent on all the songs, and games, etc. I’m not lashing out. I have honor and integrity. I’m not gonna lower my standard of behavior. Well, then I took cookies to his friends where they all work , and I told them to share with him…and he actually came over and mouthed and said, thank you….and I mouthed youre welcome and let it go…..but I can’t tell if this is the typical pisces trying to work his way back into your life and actually does care about me.

Or if it’s just he’s a mean person and I should just start dating other men. It’s been 6 months. Ive been loyal, feeling he’s going through transitions and the fact of his past abuse and that we obviously have different ways of dealing with emotions…..but I dont’ want to be wasting my time ….being a pisces man < I thought you may be able to tell if he's humbled and over his mad and weirdness and is just not sure how to talk to me. I'm also not sure if I'm doing the right thing by being around now, or if I should just stop going to open mic and avoid where Ive went for 12 yrs now and he knows that.....in the perfect world he would show up and tell me he missed me and he's sorry ....I already did the grand gesture and apology. What is your opinion of this situation?

Levonne,

While reading through this it felt like you were crushing the guy in terms of age and wisdom and he has no idea what to do. Therefore, he lashes out in some pretty blunt ways like the song. Basically, it’s like he didn’t really have much self confidence as it is and so this just makes him feel even smaller. Now this is the part for the debate too as you mentioned here you find it appalling that people think he is so fragile when he is a man.

To me, age has nothing to do with it so much as life experience does. For example, I can show you some “mature” 18 year olds and some “immature” 30 year olds. If what you wrote is true, then he may be a “grown man” in the technical sense but he still seems to be very immature when it comes to controlling his emotions. With that said, based on what you wrote I think it is more about guidance he needs where he feels you are a person that can give that but your style is not accustomed to dealing with it in a way that clicks with him.

There is no right or wrong here as if you feel the person you are with should already be mature and that you don’t want to have to babysit them then this simply isn’t a match. To me, it feels like he has a lot to learn still in life. He needs those moments that make him think differently about his actions and the way he approaches things. Just based on what I read here, I don’t feel he is trying to be malicious towards you. Again, it’s more about not knowing what to do or getting the support that he specifically needs to get it through his head. So he does the things that kids would do as an example.

To me that makes sense too like you asking why does he put you in his path if he is so scared of you. Your confidence level and experience is darn intimidating compared to him which he feels he needs but doesn’t know how to ask for help without feeling even smaller. I think this will take a lot of work and compromise and that is your prerogative on whether or not it is worth it as one could argue instead he is better suited with someone who is on a similar level and likewise for you.

Genesis Wrote:

Hi Alan,

Just found your site and would love to get some feedback about the Pisces man in my life (I am a Cancer). We have known eachother for about 6 years as work acquaintances. We never interacted with eachother at work besides the occassional brief conversation in the halls. About a year ago he started chatting me up on fb then shortly after that we exchanged cell #’s and texted every once in awhile. It was never flirty just conversation.

A few months ago we were texting and as we talked about our lack of sex lives we decided to become fwb’s. The first time was awkward but it got so much better, amazing really!! After the first time, he began texting me every morning and we would text all day and have ever since and he initiates all of our conversations. Here is where the complication and my confusion comes in. A few years ago he had a baby with a woman we work with (it was an accident). He does not care for this woman, never has and infact, dislikes her greatly because she is crazy but he has a daughter with her. He has been very open with me and shared their history and how he feels about her today as well as many other things about his past.

The problem is that for some reason he feels like he is supposed to be with her and every couple of weeks he will tell me he needs to take a break from our play time but will come back around in a day or two especially if he sees me talking to another man or knows I went out over the weekend. He has asked me on several occassions if I got lucky and would play it off like he was joking. He shares so much with me and I have seen him on the verge of tears. He looks into my eyes when he talks to me and at times stares into my eyes without speaking. Today he tells me that he met with his therapist and they both think he should not pursue our relationship until he figures out the path he is taking (which I do agree with) but at the same time tells me how much he enjoys our time together and he will probably have weak moments.

He has always been very concerned about me being hurt or feeling taking advantage of and I have told him on many occassions that we are fwb’s and that I am okay with our relationship the way it is. Most of my friends believe he has feelings for me and wants more with me but he has this issue to work out. I know that giving a Pisces man space is a good thing and I can do that. My concern is that I do have others who are interested in me but if the Pisces man does have feelings for me, then he is worth waiting for.

Genesis,

I would have to say I agree with the advice given too. This is not fair for the child in my opinion if they are in a situation where mom and dad are sleeping with other people where the child is growing up in a loveless environment. The responsible thing to do is to back out I think until he truly straightens everything out on what his future is supposed to be and most importantly what’s best for the child.

Let’s put the situation in reverse. How would you feel if you were the one with the baby and your man was telling another women the same thing you are saying to him now? While it may be an accident, it’s a responsibility that he should have to deal with first. You have to think about this too if you haven’t already. I don’t think there will be such a thing as a “FWB” if he decides to be with you. Basically, you are going to have to be prepared to have this child in your life too if this is a serious relationship. Something to think about as having that child means everyone has to grow up faster as it won’t all be just about spending time together alone.

Pisces lover 69 Asks:

Hi there

I am a Cancer woman Sun in Cancer/Moon in Aquarius/Rising in Aries/Venus 26° in Taurus/N node 23° in Pisces.

My Ex is a Pisces male. Sun in Pisces/Moon in Scorpio/Rising in Cancer/Venus 5° in Pisces/N node 13° in Scorpio.

His mom died almost a year now & she was his rock, his EVERYTHING. He took it hard. He has his bouts with depression & aloneness. He has ups & downs and would randomly text me that he misses his mom so much and feels like he is dying from inside out. I being a Cancer feel his pain as if it was my own.

Well the other day he finally said to me he doesn’t know if he can be in a relationship because 90% of the time he’s down & he barely smiles anymore. No one can help him and he’s lost. (we had been dating 1 year 7 months). He doesn’t know where his head is at & he’s still lost over the death of his mom & it’s unfair to me. I get it because I lost my father too but i had to just cut off all ties with him. He text me 2 days later & said I know I have no right but I still care & wanted to check on you (guess to see if I’m ok)

I love him with all my heart but I can’t be just friends with him (at least no time soon) because my feelings run deep. I am also giving him time & hoping that my absence will show him he misses me and we should be together. But I do not plan on responding to his texts or calls after today. It’s too painful.

Do you think we have a chance at being together again someday & are we a good match? What do you make of this? Thank you. Hurt but I won’t beg anyone to be with me. I am a great catch who doesn’t cheat.

Pisces lover 69,

I am a little unclear if you two are keeping a distance because he is saying it is unfair that he is sad all the time or if his sadness is causing you stress, so to speak, and so you are backing out. It’s really hard for me to say if you two match well as I don’t really know any details of your relationship. However, it’s safe to say obviously he cares for you where he doesn’t want you to endure the pain and suffering he is going through.

I’d like to think that part of a relationship is having the ability to be that person that keeps the other up. Basically, conquering challenges together despite how hard it is. To me it feels more like it’s up to you on whether or not you want to be there for the good and bad. Example, like here when the guy says go away it really means hug him harder kind of thing as he needs it.

Saying he texted you to me means he misses you but doesn’t want to drag you down. It boils down to is this a fight worth fighting for and can you do it without it compromising your well being?

Joanna Asks:

Hi Alan,

I have a question about Pisces male regarding cheating issues. I have a Pisces boyfriend for 2 months. He was a great guy, fun to be with. Can be stupid and smart at the same time. I really liked him that I broke up with my ex-boyfriend for 2 years. I made a mistake and actually admitted it to him that I have cheated on him once. The guy I cheated on was my ex-boyfriend for 2 years. I really want my Pisces guy to be back. I’ve read from different blogs that Pisces have a hard time in forgiving. Currently, we are friends, decided to be fuck buddies actually. He told me he is interested with another girl and now, he flirts with two girls. Is it still possible that we would be together again? I really need your help. What should I do to make him want me again? What should I do for him to forgive me? I would do anything for him. Thanks.

Joanna,

This is kind of an odd scenario. If I am reading this right basically you two have sex together but when it comes to a relationship he is pursuing other women for that. Yet at the same time it seems like based on what you wrote the fact that you slept with your ex while in a relationship with him is causing him to be distant from you emotionally. It’s a bit of a double standard don’t you think?

Generally speaking I don’t think this is what relationship should be about if it’s long-term you are looking for. But in relation to your question in this scenario to me it sounds like he is more about living in the moment at this point. And the fact that he is intimate with you still to me shows he isn’t truly hurt by your past actions as opposed to using it as a reason to justify being with other women.

To me the answer in this case is pretty straight forward but isn’t right in my opinion. Example, are you willing to do various things in order to “stand out” to compete with other girls to make him want you more than others in a superficial way? If this was truly a trust issue he wouldn’t even be close with you physically in my opinion. So to me this is more about seducing him. Is that what you really want though in a guy assuming this is correct? Something to think about.