Ask A Pisces Man Mailbag September 15, 2011

Here is another batch of questions from people who sent in mails.

Alexcia Asks:

Hi Alan.. Okay there is this guy I like from work. okay the first time I saw him (or so I thought because later I remembered that I saw him last august) we had intense eye contact, like from his car way across the parking lot, all the way to where I was sitting then he did this sideway glance thing, I looked up at him, tried to say hi, but I choked so I looked away and he walked on..

the second time same intense eye contact and I had to look away.. the third time, I was at the front desk at work and he was coming out of the IT department area and I saw him and we locked eyes and he froze just like I froze and he didn’t move until I did. He reciprocated the ”signal” at least I thought he did, because he had the same look on his face I did..

I held the door open for him and then walked away really quickly…

The 4th time. he was talking to friends and I was heading back inside from lunch and he stopped talking as I walked by, I didn’t look at him or anything and stood at the door for a min and then swiped my card to go in and he was like ”wow” I think it was in a ”what the heck just happened” tone.. like a why didn’t she say something tone.. the next time I saw him he looked spaced out and walked really fast past my work cubicle. That was the second week in March and then I didn’t see him again until April 18th. I was walking back to my seat and I felt someone looking at me, I looked up and it was him and he just kept looking at me, but I had a customer holding so I couldn’t say anything to him.

At lunch time I was sitting outside and I felt someone looking at me, and he was at the door heading in, so I braved up, because I have been pining over him for awhile and asked if I could talk to him for a min, and he whispered come here, so I went over to him and he looked at me in a weird way and I said can I talk to you for a min, and he goes talk, so I was like over there (I was so nervous and kept fidgetting) and he just kept staring at me and asked What’s wrong with you? so I looked up at him and we locked eyes and he said come with me to the office.. so I followed him and he opened the door for me, and we went to his desk and he stared at me again and I was like “I’ve seen you a few times but I coudln’t say anything to you because I’m shy” and he was like ” you’re not very shy today.” and I replied because I don’t know when I’m going to see you again.

So he sat down and I tried to explain why I wanted to talk to him but I was nervous and kept saying I saw you, and he was like “and you like me.. Is that what you’re trying to say..” so I said yes and he asked me if I was new there and told me he had been working there for five years and asked what account I was on, like he’d never seen me before which is very weird because he was staring me down earlier on the floor that my account is on. .. and then I told him about this note that I had sent to him (wasn’t my idea) the note went to the wrong person.. he smiled and then I asked if I could give him my number, and he said no he’s not going to call me, because he’s married, and I looked at him and he was like well not married but in a committed relationship and he isn’t going to call me if that’s what I want. and he’s not interested in anyone and he’s sorry if he gave me the wrong signals. that’s not the message he was trying to send. I asked him about the wow thing and he said he didn’t remember that..

Okay um I’m very confused .. and I just don’t understand what message he was trying to send .. I don’t think you look at people like that if you’re in a committed relationship.. plus I use that line on people because I’m affraid to get close to others. “I have a boyfriend and we’re very serious and I’m not interested in anyone”.. So the sting hurts a lot more because it’s the same line I’ve used before…

Then the other day he came upstairs and was just standing by my cubicle and when I looked up, he walked away. he did the same thing last Wednesday.. I don’t know maybe he liked me, but when I asked for his number he started to feel uncomfortable so just blocked me out?

Alexcia,

My general thought is that it seems like he is physically attracted to you and that he is trying to screen you out like an owl in the tree. However, keep in mind I am trying very hard to interpret the scenarios you wrote down as of course I am not actually there to see body language and all.

The first item I was trying to breakdown is that moment where you mentioned he was talking to a group of people and when you walked by he stopped. My thought on that is if he was truly not interested in you in anyway he wouldn’t do that as stopping the conversation in many ways implies he wants others to know that he was paying attention to you. Stereotypical example is like a group of guys or girls commenting on people walking by and their looks.

The part where he said he is married and then correcting himself would indicate to me that he wants you but is trying to stealth analyze you to see if you have the traits that he is looking for. Basically, I would say he wants to see how you are normally without the thought that you may be putting on a show. I guess an example could be if there is this girl that seemed like she has so many good qualities but the fear is in reality she was like a heavy drinker or smoker which is a turn off for him then it’s normal in that case to want to observe to try to be certain.

Of course there is the possibility that maybe he is in a relationship which I guess only you can find out for sure. But to me all actions point to he is just trying very hard to screen you. I would say in these scenarios the group activity method is the best where you gather a bunch of people to do something where the both of you are involved in as well. This allows people like that to evaluate in a no pressure way and helps to make them closer.

Harry Asks:

Hi, Alan.

I’ve fallen under the spell of a pisces man and I’ve read through all of your posts but I’m still of two minds with my pisces in question. We’ve been friends for a while and it wasn’t until I was having a really low point in my life where I started developing feelings for him. He lives in another city and offered to buy me a ticket to come visit him.

Over the course of our friendship he’s shared many deep secrets and I’ve shared things with him that I’ve never told anyone. We talk about everything and, in the past, other guys we were dating. This offer to fly me out to see him came after both of us had just had very negative dating experiences. I’ve allowed myself time to become certain of my feelings (I wanted to be sure I wasn’t just feeling it out of my own sadness).

But, I’m unsure if his offer is anything just more than ‘good friends’. What are your thoughts?

I know the only way to know for sure is to speak to him about it it. And, whether or not he does have feelings I’d still have to decide if it’s worth the risk as A) a long distance relationship is never an easy thing, B) true to a slippery fish, nailing down dates for a visit since he made his offer has been difficult, C) I wouldn’t want to jeopardise our friendship as what we have already is pretty nice. But, any insight/opinion you might be able to offer would be great.

Cheers,
Harry

Harry,

I guess I am just a bit unclear if is this purely like an Internet met type of relationship where you never actually met each other or if you know each other in real life but had to go your separate ways for whatever reason. The fact that he is offering to pay for your ticket seems like he is dead serious in wanting to see if what you two have is real.

But with that in mind, again I don’t know the entire back-story and would suggest extreme caution as anytime when you make decisions based purely out of emotions such as getting out of a bad situation it can make you do crazy things in an attempt to find that magic diamond that is the answer to everything. It’s wise to sit back and think of things rationally. Example, in a situation like those I would probably ask things like how that would affect the personal financially. If there is too much answers like “I don’t know, I’ll figure it out after as I just want to see you” I would personally try harder to see what it is exactly he feels the meeting would accomplish and where it would go from there if everything went great. If he has more thought out answers for the long term then that would give the better indication that it is extremely serious and that this isn’t just a temporary fantasy.

Strangedays Asks:

Hallo, alan, and thanks for all yr insightful observations & thoughtful responses.

Scorpio woman here, 7 yrs senior to the Pisces man who intrigues me. Met thru shared interests, brushed past each other casually very infrequently on Facebk after that for a few months. Then a local arts festival hit & we literally bumped into each other for several nites in a row. I’d taken a shine to him as an artist & wasn’t shy about telling him so. He revealed thru body language & behavior that he was interested. Gentle heat, mutual flirting. Upfront vibes but nothing overly pressured (example: I rolled an icy glass against his neck–it was a hot summer–& he leaned into it but neither of us said anything … later that nite I approached him after a spell away & said, “I would really like to hang out sometime,” and he answered, “I’m sure it’ll happen.” I smiled in response & left it at that).

We enjoyed one rollicking dinner date soon thereafter. Conversation never faltered although I found it relatively superficial. A couple of quiteconnecting/revealing moments, plus he blushed madly when the waitress, who was fond of him since the restaurant was a favorite haunt of his, teased him abt how happy he looked & that it must be a great date. He got flustered & told her, “We are *hanging out*,” to differentiate it from a date. I’m pretty assertive & joined in the tease for a minute–in fact, my boisterous & gregarious side primarily engaged his softer personality that eve, though the convo was fairly give-&-take. He said “wow …” under his breath a couple times at things I mentioned that I believe touched him, and there was solid eye contact throughout.

I prefer depth, but I felt confident that it was brewing und. As we walked out, in fun I got a little cutesy & asked, “Did I pass muster? Can I see you again?” He laughed & said cheerily, also kinda cutesy, “Depends. Maybe. What’re you trying to muster up?” Thinking aloud, I half-giggled, “Dunno … what *am* I trying to muster up …? I like you.” He laughed again & told me, “We’ll see. I will take a hug, though.” We hugged & I left feeling very high, and his Facebk status right after that indicated he was enjoying a rush of warm contentment.

That was a few weeks ago. I gave him room & then asked if he’d like to meet me @ another activity. He said maybe, and when that day came, he sounded genuinely aggravated that the timing hadn’t worked out although we’d both shown up to the event within an hour of each other. Communication happens strictly thru Facebk. There has been flirting, invariably initiated by me but then he will follow up w/ a zinger. There have been indications of where each of us plans to be on a given nite, but no overt offers to meet. He has thrown a large net to friends in general re: meeting up to attend specific stage plays, but he does not directly answer my responses and has attended the same plays on different nites.

Still, he answers private msgs–I do not contact more than once a week or so–and tonite when we found ourselves at the same event, he made a beeline for me at intermission & said, “I noticed you when you came in.” I also caught him looking at me from across the room. Circumstances intervened & I had to cut out early, but when I later msg’d him to say I was sorry I had to take off, he responded within 20 mins & expressed genuine concern. When I told him it was very decent of him to have come up to greet me, that I appreciated it since I’m not sure where I stand w/ him, he didn’t answer.

What do you make of this man’s level of interest in me? He told me he is shy and has had only one major relationship. I know he can see on Facebk that I’m pretty regularly sought after, and I let him know about the amicable breakup of my marriage from a year ago. Could he feel threatened? I have an active social & cultural life. But I’m also transitioning btwn careers & he may feel uncomfortable w/ my apparent anchorlessness right now as I explore possibilities. He knows I’m interested, but I’m about to halt the flirting b/c what I really crave is the deeper, more serious, passionate & trusting connection that I sense is here waiting to be tapped. What would you advise?

Thanks again, alan, for your kind attention to all the questions you receive. I am much obliged.

Stragedays,

By the sounds of it I would say while it seems like items like the personality are connecting, I would be inclined to say he is in a way scared of your background to a certain extent and wondering if that would affect things in the longrun. Everything seems to be there from his end in terms of showing the interest and care. However, as you kind of implied when you ask him where you stand in his eyes he kind of freezes.

I am going to just use this for the sake of example as the situations for you two may be completely different. Example, lets pretend you had a child in a previous marriage. Let’s say this guy has never been married but seriously wants to find the one for him and that one of his beliefs in life is to be with one girl only and so it’s not farfetched to think he would want another person just like him. Example, since he has been saving himself, so to speak, then in an ideal world he would want the girl to be the same.

So then he meets you where lets say personality wise and everything clicks. You share similar hobbies, interests, etc. Sounds like the perfect match. But then the stigma in his mind is that you have been married and have children already which makes him wonder if the experiences would be ruined which scares him a lot as to him it is a very important aspect of a relationship. Example, he can’t ever have moments where the two of you would both be having a child for the first time in your life. You two won’t ever have the experience of being married to a person for the first time. So this makes him constantly fearful of just jumping in even though so many other things feel right.

So really it could be anything as again that was just an example, but that kind of scenario is not uncommon and just from the patterns I am reading based on what you wrote I would say it is most likely something like that. For things like that it requires quite a bit of digging and whether or not you have the energy to do so or think it is worth it is another question. It definitely requires some homework.

Assuming that it is all correct too then I would say one of the big hooks to get a person to not let things like that bother them is if they feel you somehow make them complete with other obstacles they have in their life. That could be a personal issue, career goal, etc. Ultimately, it’s just trying to fully understand what he needs/wants in life when it comes to having a partner in life and then taking it from there.

As usual, trying to answer every mail. Thanks again for the questions everyone too.