Ask A Pisces Man Mailbag – November 30, 2014

Silver Asks:

So, I met this Pisces guy on a dating site. We had quite a few common interests, such as chess and video games, and had a good lengthy conversation about it. I mentioned it would be cool to meet for a game, to which he agreed and we exchanged FB contacts. The first date was, perhaps, slightly awkward but since neither of us are bubbly easy-going never shutting-up extroverts, that’s perfectly understandable. We talked about games, moves, chess, other stuff, he was visibly (and vocally) awkward (which he actually repeated several times). From what I could understand, this may have been his first date ever, even though we aren’t exactly spring chickens.

He quickly won the first couple of rounds, much to my chagrin, since I’m not quite that lousy a chess player (but then I found out he was actively training for a master level, so that pretty much explained it). At his suggestion, we went to a nearby cat exhibition (he knew I liked cats) and then to see a movie. I really liked him, which for me is quite rare. He was incredibly sweet and considerate, always asking if I needed something, a cup of coffee, maybe something else.

Honestly, none of my previous suitors have ever exhibited that level of nice. We met again next week and again played some chess, went to a movie, it was fun. Really fun, I didn’t even need to pretend to enjoy it (something I did a lot with my previous boyfriends), I loved his company for real. But then for the next few weeks communication was hard, to say the least. Mind you, even before, he had not contacted me just to chat, only for a specific reason, i.e. when he was going to pick me up for a date. So, without a specific set meeting date, there was total radio silence.

I waited for a week or so, and nothing, so I started trying to chat him up on FB every two or three days. He always responded but he never tried to contact me himself, be it a call, sms or text on Facebook. About two more weeks passed that way, and I kinda started losing hope. I tried to suggest a meeting maybe twice, but the first time I let it slide and the second time it kind of went unnoticed. Then, during one FB chat initiated by me, he suggested going to the theatre, said he could get free tickets. So we finally met for the third date, and again, we had a really good time.

Yay, back to radio silence now. xD But he did invite me to an upcoming movie that he told me many times already he wanted to see. Oh, but he is still browsing that dating site though I don’t think he does it for long periods of time, likely more like popping up to check what’s new. I’ve never seen him online after. I don’t really know what to think, does he like me or is he “not that into me”, since he never writes, never calls.

I mean, when we’re together he’s totally a big, plush, sweet and considerate teddy-bear (which may be just the Fish thing), and he always picks me up from home (and takes me back too), which is totally his initiative, I never asked him to do that. But then after the meet-up there’s radio silence again, though he always responds to my chat attempts. I’m not a fan of two-timing, but during that ~3-week period, when we weren’t seeing each other and he didn’t contact me, I went on a date with another guy, because I lost hope of meeting my Fish.

And that was probably a mistake. The second guy very obviously likes me and I can’t stop thinking about the Fish. It’s not like me at all to be mooning over some guy. I never felt nearly so drawn to my previous two boyfriends as I am to him, or to anyone really.

Also, not sure if that’s important, but he’s three years my junior: I’m in very early thirties, he’s in late twenties (and yes, I realize how super weird this all sounds in this context). Exactly as my previous two bfs, this must inscribed in my karma or something. Also, on the first date, he asked me whether I had any boyfriends before. I honestly said that I did but that we weren’t compatible and that it wasn’t serious. Which, btw, it really wasn’t. But I think this upset him a little.

Also he’s very much into his chess and gaming stuff. I don’t mean it as a bad thing at all, that’s cool, those are my interests too and I first picked him partly because of that. Only, you know, he seems more interested in that than in pursuing any sort of a relationship (although he must have come to a dating site for a reason). I’m a bit worried about his jokingly thrown comment that when his (and mine, actually) wanted game comes out, he’s gonna shut himself in for a month. Now, I totally understand the enthusiasm, but I really hope that he was joking about that.

One more thing, at the theatre (the third date) we, apparently, sat down next to his sister and her boyfriend (our original seats were taken). I didn’t even see her because she was two seats away from me and I just didn’t know that I should pay attention. He only told me that afterwards, when he was driving me back home. Should I be worried that he didn’t introduce us?

Also, he seems to be following a hands-off approach. Which is ridiculous that I’m even complaining about it, cause I never liked guys getting handy. Just a peck on the cheek when we part (and here we go, now I’m complaining about that too. I always hated kissing and never did it). Then again, he is rather shy and, apparently, has had zero dating experience, so.. So, what do you think, does he like me or not so much? It would be really nice to hear the perspective of another male Fish. Here I am, having a first major crush, and I can’t figure out whether he’s interested or just wants to be buddies or maybe I’m bothering him.

P.S. Later on Saturday evening he did, for the first time, write to me on FB for no specific reason other than to tell me how he was doing at the chess tournament and share some new game material. Wow! xD Maybe I should consider that a progress?

Silver,

It sounds like he extremely likes you and is trying hard to impress you in a shielded way. Imagine you as the bear and he is the bystander wanting to get closer to you with some honey as that is the only thing he believes that bears want through all the media he has consumed in his life. At the same time, through media he has seen how bears can tear you from limb to limb if you make them unhappy.

That’s kind of an important point here I think as that kind of sets up expectations in one’s mind that everything is either point A or point B. Example, if read or watch all the time on how a guy that doesn’t chase after you is just not that into you then you are going to gravitate towards that.

Based on what you wrote he’s pretty much shown all the signs of communication that he wants to push things further but is scared to get his heart broken. I believe in his mind he wants to pursue a serious relationship. There is a high probability that it seems like he wants a fairy tale relationship which means any bit of detail you show him that you are say not entirely interested in him or display some kind of trait that he finds negative will cause him to go into the “You contact me” mode.

I personally view him looking quickly at the dating site as more of a confidence issue from what you wrote. Example, it’s not so much at the moment about wanting to find “the one” per se but rather he is unconfident if anyone could like him for who he is. Seeing things like how many people viewed him or say contacted him is like a way to show that.

The chess and gaming can be a little tricky but straight forward. In many ways it sounds like that’s the easiest way to his heart. Some people joke that a way to a man’s heart is food and in this case think of the gaming as that. Example, if these are competitive games that he plays and you are just as skilled/competitive where you show interest in playing with him in a similar manner it’s almost like an instant win.

This might sound extremely weird to you. But I believe in his mind your “relationship” with him isn’t real yet. Example, it’s the phase where one believes the girl just likes you because you are the only one giving her attention at the moment. Or it won’t last because he knows girls in general dig athletic guys and the minute she finds that person he will probably be put in the trash can. So gaming is a predictable thing where he can invest a lot of time into something and get the results that he expects. This is as opposed to investing a lot into say the relationship where if his fears are true then it’s an extreme waste of time, so to speak.

So in my opinion, him saying things like he is going to shut himself out for a month when a game comes out is both a lie and the truth. I don’t doubt for a second based on what I read where if he was 100% confident in the relationship he would drop that game in a flash or at minimum try very hard to get you to participate with him.

The movie theatre incident sounded more like a conversation starter to me and I believe you are over thinking it if you think it is anything more than that. Remember, he has no experience in this kind of stuff. I don’t know how much you enjoy “gaming” for example and whether or not he is so extreme that keeping up with him in that aspect would feel more like a job than pleasure. But that is your best way to break down his wall I say if you are seriously interested in pursuing him. He keeps giving you the hints too by the sounds of it just like your last message of him telling you about new gaming stuff.