pisces man mysterious
Reader Questions

Can’t Let Go!

Cancer Woman Asks:

So Ive been in a rollercoaster ride relationship with this Pisces Guy for about 3 months now and weve been off and on for a couple weeks now. I’ve fell for him when I first laid eyes on him but never gave in when he first courted me. Which was a challenge for his self because he told me girls usually gave it up quickly.

I took that to my advantage and challenged him every chance I get and that made him fall in love with me faster. We were so deep with each other. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, just everything! Once I was able to let my guard down he just knew I fell for him and took that to his advantage and started to act different. More arguing less sex. it was very confusing. even when we did argue he still wanted to see me which was good on my part because I always liked to make him feel better. I always felt like I have to fight for him to let him know that im not going anywhere and that I truly love him. (But I also felt like I couldnt get that in return so I kept my wall up.) Money was a big issue with him as well. He would test me on paying certain things and if I say NO he would completely shut down.

It didnt matter if the next time I took him out and bought him dinner, he would still have his guard up and that would push me away because Cancers dont like to feel unwanted. So emotions where very high between us. Recently his mother came into town and that took a big toll on our relationship. He catered to her needs. anything she want she got. I admit I was a little jealous so I shut down and gave him space. (why would I show that towards him, thats his MOM!) with all that said we were supposed to go on a trip for my birthday and now all the money for the trip together was used on his mom and I just found out days ago. The lack of communication all of a sudden really messed us up. We talk on the phone everyday but he just couldnt tell me this one thing about his family and his money situation. I dont know if its a pride thing but why couldnt he just communicate his problems if we loved each other. we ended up not talking for 3 days and we were both hurt about it.

Finally, I knew I had to call him first because I just knew he wouldnt(Which I still dont understand) and we talked about it face to face. he told me he just want to be friends and work on the relationship. Im so hurt by this because it makes me feel like im not the one he really wants to be with. and I just cant let him go. so how should I go by this? go by his rules? give him a taste of his own medicine? or let him go?

Cancer Woman,

The first thing that sticks out in my mind with what you wrote is that the foundation of the relationship feels like it is largely due to that notion of wanting something that you can’t have. So initially it’s more of a challenge and sense of discovery. I am not saying the feelings between you two weren’t real. But the lure of it wasn’t just solely based on a connection if that makes sense. As you put it, you in a sense played hard to get.

Now assuming your notion that he wanted you but you wouldn’t let him initially is correct then the relationship was essentially established with a challenge mentality which would make sense of what you said that he is used to having girls give in easily. Like if it was me for example with the “finding the one” mentality I would just walk away from you because to me this shouldn’t be a “challenge” I guess you can say but rather seeing if the values align.

Here’s an example I think that would be reminiscent of what is happening in a sense. Imagine you are the adult and he is a child in a toy store. You just walked past this $500 toy which he then tells you he wants it really bad. You tell him no initially. Afterwards he tries everything to convince you to buy him that toy. He even says things like he will love you forever and be the best kid in school and all that. So afterwards you agree and buy him the toy. He gets super excited and starts treating you so well and being that good kid. Eventually he just changes. He doesn’t even really play with the toy anymore but he keeps it with him so that when you ask him about it looks like he still does. He then slowly starts to go back to his old self after. He doesn’t want to flat out admit he is bored with it either as emotionally it’s kind of “embarrassing” to fight that hard for something just to not cherish it.

Like there the foundation of getting that toy was largely due to wanting something they can’t have. Yes, the joy of having it and all is a genuine emotion, but the foundation of wanting it wasn’t like 100% that he wanted to cherish it. That’s why like there a lot of adults would just tell the kid no as they know what the real reason is on why they want something.

So bringing this back with your example to me it would make perfect sense that way. Because he entered into it as like a challenge he needs to constantly feel challenged. It’s very ironic in this way, but you opening up and just dropping all your guard is not a challenge anymore. The money example to me would demonstrate a test of control in this instance. Example, you initially saying no means in as sense that you and him are completely separate individuals financially whereas for whatever reason he wants to see if you two can work together in that regards. You agreeing to pay for something after the fact is very obvious that you are doing it just because of a previous incident. So it doesn’t mean anything.

Now people may be saying this sounds completely contradicting as virtually all the other things I have mentioned that to get a guy like me to open up that requires you to just be authentic and open from the beginning. But as mentioned the foundation of this relationship isn’t the same and so you have to factor that in with this guy as he obviously has taken a different path, so to speak, when it comes to relationships and mental maturity.

Of course he wouldn’t tell you about his mishap with money as an example. Again, based on what you wrote this relationship was established as a challenge of being good enough in many ways or being better than the other. To me too, the money issue and the mom represents the need to impress if he did agree to spend the money on you initially. Because looking like a “disappointment” to family is probably pretty huge in comparison. I would be inclined to say you challenging him initially triggered this side of him too. That’s something you would need to work on in opening up from him if you wish that is I feel.

In my personal opinion if what I said is accurate and you really want to be with this guy then take all the romance out of it for now and focus on his life and whether or not it is compatible with you in terms of lifestyle and values. Because based on what you wrote there is a big issue here revolving around things like his ability to make sound financial decisions per se that is too embarrassing for him to openly talk about it. You need to uncover the “why’s” here on what he experienced in life to become who he has become so far.

Like with the mom part you said you became jealous of it. Did you actively try to find out why he was so catering to her in a sense? It can reveal so much to help you understand him better and to make an informed and rational decision on whether or not you two are truly compatible as opposed to one or the other feeling they are not good enough while needing to treat the relationship like a challenging adrenaline rush to keep things going.


  • Cancer woman replys June 25, 2016

    Thanks for this. It really put an insight on why we were always bumping heads. And I did mention the foundation is weak and we need to make it stronger to make things work and he agreed but he still won’t knock the friend thing off. Recently he’s been more angry then before. I guess because I’m agreeing with him on being friends with him? But I just feel like the only way this will work is if we do be friends and work on ourselves. He called me last night and was clearly drunk but he was mad at me saying I can be single and all of this. All I was saying was that I loved him and no that’s not were my mindset is. Was he listening? He just keep going on and on being rude and feel asleep while I was trying to calm him down. Now I’m really thinking something deeper is going on here and he’s not telling me. Is he testing me?

  • Alan June 25, 2016

    I wouldn’t say he is testing you here. Instead I would agree with your thought that there is something deeper here. With what we know so far I am just going to write a fictional example to make the point as I don’t know what that deeper issues is since I don’t know him but will use the factors you told me with financials and all.

    Imagine if in the background he extremely struggles with self-worth where he feels the need to impress others just to feel like a somebody. As a result he often uses things like money to get this attention. So to a stranger if they just went out and people went to go eat at a restaurant he would be like “I’ll take care of the bill guys” where afterwards everyone thinks he is so great. In reality this is actually hurting him badly financially. But that immediate thought of acceptance is powerful for him.

    But when it comes to people who he feels is a little closer he is hoping that he doesn’t have to spend the extra money as he wants to try and balance the thought of trying to please everyone to maintain his level of self-worth. Because deep down inside he wants someone to appreciate and love him not because of the money and really wants to stop doing that. But at the same time he recognizes that’s what the majority of people want/need from him to get acceptance. So it’s like a really bad way of life I would say where the person needs a better way to think about themselves and the way they handle things.

    Now let’s take this concept in the same direction with girls. Let’s say for him getting complete acceptance from woman helps his self-worth as it shows to him he is doing something “right” where a lot of people would also praise him for that fact. You then came along and refused to let him have you immediately like the rest. So at that moment it created an epiphany. Are you so much different from all the other girls he has been with where things like his money is not a factor? Could you be a person that likes him for who he is? Because of this it’s like a challenge now to find out.

    As you made him work for it he eventually obtained that goal in opening you up and that journey was amazing for the both of you. So he feels now that maybe he can risk being himself more and constantly conquering these challenges made feel the same as when he impressed people. When it came to paying for things like the restaurant though you still at first insisted that you pay nothing. Uh oh, that now just opened that whole can of worms about money. So his fantasy of thinking there may be a person that can see him for him is breaking.

    So now everyone else in his life seems to need money to maintain a relationship in his mind and he promised so many. His mom, general friends and yourself. He doesn’t have enough though. So time to make a choice and he decides to use it on family instead. This now throws him into a spiral of depression of sorts as he doesn’t know what to do.

    Now you tell him that you should just be friends as it seems like he is ignoring you and all. This brings everything in full circle again of his emotions and money. Hence, he gets mad at life and it’s time to kill the emotions with something like alcohol and to keep it to himself as it’s not something he wants to admit to as to him that is like the anchor for all his relationships.

    Okay, again I stress this is just like a fictional example to make the point as it may or may not be true for him. But hopefully you see the point too on how it’s a deeper issue. What would you do from there? The simple answer is learn more about the person’s lifestyle. How you do that is up to you.

  • Cancer woman replys October 3, 2016

    Hello Alan here is an update on the relationship,

    Over the past couple of months (we met in February 2016) I’ve finally grew tired of trying my best with my Pisces guy. I’ll try my best to shorten it but here it is. Recently I’ve been growing tired because he never knows what he wants completely and it annoys me because he pushes me away with hurting my feelings like telling me he wants nothing to with me and that he has someone else when 2 weeks later he pops back up to tell me wants to work it out and yet to tell me again that he’s not ready and that he needs time so he crawls back into his “shell”. Now this leaves me into wanting to know what’s wrong with him and want to take care of him (cancer thing) but I’ve been through this situation time and time again. And it’s just like what are you NOT telling me? What are you trying to say but couldn’t? And even if I was to ask he wouldn’t tell me. It’s like I have to fight and figure the problems for the both of us and that’s where I grew tired. He always forget when I would reassure him but I just grew tired because he wouldn’t believe me when I tell him I’m fighting for him and that I love him. I can’t continue to read his mind if he keeps running and hiding and popping back up when he wants to and that’s where I would put him on the block list. Just when I’m about to move on he also likes to pop back up too! It’s so frustrating because I do love him but I just don’t want to be emotionally drowning with him. I’ve never met someone so emotional like I have to always watch what I say because I know he’ll run. Then his family won’t leave me alone neither. Sometimes I feel like they check on me for him! It’s so annoying! they love me for him but he can’t see it. And I can’t make someone see my worth and make him love me the way I should. Instead I rather just go my own way silently. Idk my question to you is what does he need emotionally? Should I give him the silent treatment until he figures his life out or should I just drop out of his life completely?

  • Alan October 4, 2016

    With what you wrote I would be inclined to ask like what many people would on why are you in this relationship if nothing positive is coming out of it per se? Because so far it sounds like you are the only one giving and he is always taking unless I missed something here. It sounds like you two have your good moments too, but so far it seems like 80% of it is bad.

    In a weird twist I would be inclined to ask you instead with questions such as why do you want to take care of him so bad to the point where you are compromising your own life and health? Do you truly understand this yourself first of all? Example, is it because you feel you can mold this guy into your dream guy? Does this remind you of an experience you had in life that you don’t want to see someone else go through it? Do you see all your efforts as a way to move a matching relationship forward or is it more to not feel like you abandoned someone?

    I ask you these questions because ultimately it’s your decision to completely drop out of someone’s life. He can’t come back and forth to you unless you allow him to. Why be annoyed? Why make him try to love you? Why make him see your worth? What is the real deep reason why you simply don’t just close the door on that chapter and find something that actually fits with you instead if it feels so wrong to you?

    In regards to him, with everything said so far it just comes down still to self-worth and all I feel. If people don’t have the desire to change themselves then it is going to constantly feel like work for you. A lot of what you wrote is very “textbook” in many ways I feel for people with low self-esteem where at the same time they don’t feel they have ever properly gotten closure for certain events that happened in their lives.

    In terms of what he wants emotionally, based solely on all the stuff you wrote another way of putting it is he wants attention. It’s like he has a set way of thinking on how things must be. You may say “Attention???? I talk to him all the time” sort of deal. But that’s not the attention he wants. I’ll use this story as an example.

    There is a person who got dumped by a girl where during the relationship he would like buy her everything. It ended very badly as she apparently ended up using his credit card information and went to a different country to spend on it too. He never heard from her again. As you can imagine, he was pretty mad about that to the point where he would constantly spew negativity about her to everyone around him.

    To make it worst this is one of those situations too where he was unhappy in life and believed that entering into a relationship would fix that. He was now lonely and people of course told him to forget about her and started to spend time with him. Virtually every chance the guy gets to talk about that girl he does and starts saying how much of a bad person she was. Again, people told him to stop thinking about it. Years later he still complains about how she treated him. It didn’t matter how much time people spent with him to be a more positive influence in his life. It’s a theme too as everyone who has done something bad to him he held this grudge of sort and wanted “negative” attention.

    Essentially, he wanted say people to jump in with him to say how evil that girl was and all. Or he wanted to see her pay back for all the stuff she stole from him. Like there it wouldn’t matter if someone just gave him like $1000. It’s getting that $1000 back from her he wants to see as he in a sense wants to see her feel the pain she has caused him. In my opinion the person themselves has to want to change first and foremost. If like here he only values “negative” attention then all the “positive” attention in the world won’t fix that.

    If you feel you truly understand what it is specifically that causes him to be the way he is and despite that he refuses to change then again I would ask why are you still in the relationship?

  • Confused girl October 5, 2016

    Yes! everything that you’ve said above is completely true. All the questions you have is what I constantly ask myself everyday. so you hit those right on the nail. Its not just the fact that he has low self esteem he tries to feed his ego with me having to chase him and wonder whats truly wrong with him when he doesn’t care to fix the problems he has right then and there. I just feel so bad because I know what it feels like to have a problem and fix that issue on my own and how I always wish no one leave without pushing to actually fix/help the issue. I know everyone is different but I just thought since we were so in-tuned with each other a push would help our relationship but it actually just pushed him away. This is one of those things where I would have to back off and let life take over. He does have an issue with one of his ex’s that he just kept bringing up in the beginning and tried to compared me to her. when I keep trying to convince him I wasn’t her he still couldn’t see it. so that took a big toll on our relationship as well. I honestly think its more issues deeper like how he was raised and such but it has gotten to a point where I cant make him see a good woman with good intentions if that’s not what he wants. seems like he wants to keep having negative thoughts and feelings just to have some type of drama in his life. That’s why I feel like he pops back up and starts some type of commotion and disappear. its quite strange. I know I’ve finally grown tired and I know where I stand. Hopefully he changes for the better.

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