Can’t Let Go!
Cancer Woman Asks:
So Ive been in a rollercoaster ride relationship with this Pisces Guy for about 3 months now and weve been off and on for a couple weeks now. I’ve fell for him when I first laid eyes on him but never gave in when he first courted me. Which was a challenge for his self because he told me girls usually gave it up quickly.
I took that to my advantage and challenged him every chance I get and that made him fall in love with me faster. We were so deep with each other. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, just everything! Once I was able to let my guard down he just knew I fell for him and took that to his advantage and started to act different. More arguing less sex. it was very confusing. even when we did argue he still wanted to see me which was good on my part because I always liked to make him feel better. I always felt like I have to fight for him to let him know that im not going anywhere and that I truly love him. (But I also felt like I couldnt get that in return so I kept my wall up.) Money was a big issue with him as well. He would test me on paying certain things and if I say NO he would completely shut down.
It didnt matter if the next time I took him out and bought him dinner, he would still have his guard up and that would push me away because Cancers dont like to feel unwanted. So emotions where very high between us. Recently his mother came into town and that took a big toll on our relationship. He catered to her needs. anything she want she got. I admit I was a little jealous so I shut down and gave him space. (why would I show that towards him, thats his MOM!) with all that said we were supposed to go on a trip for my birthday and now all the money for the trip together was used on his mom and I just found out days ago. The lack of communication all of a sudden really messed us up. We talk on the phone everyday but he just couldnt tell me this one thing about his family and his money situation. I dont know if its a pride thing but why couldnt he just communicate his problems if we loved each other. we ended up not talking for 3 days and we were both hurt about it.
Finally, I knew I had to call him first because I just knew he wouldnt(Which I still dont understand) and we talked about it face to face. he told me he just want to be friends and work on the relationship. Im so hurt by this because it makes me feel like im not the one he really wants to be with. and I just cant let him go. so how should I go by this? go by his rules? give him a taste of his own medicine? or let him go?
The first thing that sticks out in my mind with what you wrote is that the foundation of the relationship feels like it is largely due to that notion of wanting something that you can’t have. So initially it’s more of a challenge and sense of discovery. I am not saying the feelings between you two weren’t real. But the lure of it wasn’t just solely based on a connection if that makes sense. As you put it, you in a sense played hard to get.
Now assuming your notion that he wanted you but you wouldn’t let him initially is correct then the relationship was essentially established with a challenge mentality which would make sense of what you said that he is used to having girls give in easily. Like if it was me for example with the “finding the one” mentality I would just walk away from you because to me this shouldn’t be a “challenge” I guess you can say but rather seeing if the values align.
Here’s an example I think that would be reminiscent of what is happening in a sense. Imagine you are the adult and he is a child in a toy store. You just walked past this $500 toy which he then tells you he wants it really bad. You tell him no initially. Afterwards he tries everything to convince you to buy him that toy. He even says things like he will love you forever and be the best kid in school and all that. So afterwards you agree and buy him the toy. He gets super excited and starts treating you so well and being that good kid. Eventually he just changes. He doesn’t even really play with the toy anymore but he keeps it with him so that when you ask him about it looks like he still does. He then slowly starts to go back to his old self after. He doesn’t want to flat out admit he is bored with it either as emotionally it’s kind of “embarrassing” to fight that hard for something just to not cherish it.
Like there the foundation of getting that toy was largely due to wanting something they can’t have. Yes, the joy of having it and all is a genuine emotion, but the foundation of wanting it wasn’t like 100% that he wanted to cherish it. That’s why like there a lot of adults would just tell the kid no as they know what the real reason is on why they want something.
So bringing this back with your example to me it would make perfect sense that way. Because he entered into it as like a challenge he needs to constantly feel challenged. It’s very ironic in this way, but you opening up and just dropping all your guard is not a challenge anymore. The money example to me would demonstrate a test of control in this instance. Example, you initially saying no means in as sense that you and him are completely separate individuals financially whereas for whatever reason he wants to see if you two can work together in that regards. You agreeing to pay for something after the fact is very obvious that you are doing it just because of a previous incident. So it doesn’t mean anything.
Now people may be saying this sounds completely contradicting as virtually all the other things I have mentioned that to get a guy like me to open up that requires you to just be authentic and open from the beginning. But as mentioned the foundation of this relationship isn’t the same and so you have to factor that in with this guy as he obviously has taken a different path, so to speak, when it comes to relationships and mental maturity.
Of course he wouldn’t tell you about his mishap with money as an example. Again, based on what you wrote this relationship was established as a challenge of being good enough in many ways or being better than the other. To me too, the money issue and the mom represents the need to impress if he did agree to spend the money on you initially. Because looking like a “disappointment” to family is probably pretty huge in comparison. I would be inclined to say you challenging him initially triggered this side of him too. That’s something you would need to work on in opening up from him if you wish that is I feel.
In my personal opinion if what I said is accurate and you really want to be with this guy then take all the romance out of it for now and focus on his life and whether or not it is compatible with you in terms of lifestyle and values. Because based on what you wrote there is a big issue here revolving around things like his ability to make sound financial decisions per se that is too embarrassing for him to openly talk about it. You need to uncover the “why’s” here on what he experienced in life to become who he has become so far.
Like with the mom part you said you became jealous of it. Did you actively try to find out why he was so catering to her in a sense? It can reveal so much to help you understand him better and to make an informed and rational decision on whether or not you two are truly compatible as opposed to one or the other feeling they are not good enough while needing to treat the relationship like a challenging adrenaline rush to keep things going.