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Did he swim too far

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Mimi Asks:

Hello, I am an aries woman who recently got out of an 8 month long distance relationship with a wonderful pisces man. I am very confused. I don’t know what to do I love him. He broke up with me last week due to the mean cold things I said to him. I didn’t understand it we were all fine 2 weeks ago but i realized I put pressure on him about a month ago I brought up the future and how I want certain things established.

I think when I did that I turned him off then from there we got into a bigger argument because I felt things were unresolved then to make it worse I suggested a break which at first he did not want but I think That influenced him to break up with me even more so his birthday was last month and I was going to see him and just 3 days before I was going to see him he wanted to break up first when he was talking about breaking up he started putting the blame on him & how he wants to be finically secure and he did tell me that wants he gets secure he will be ready for a relationship but I wanted to scare him & tell him if we break up now then don’t expect me to wait for you & I was just making it worst because me being an aries I was forcing my opinions on him trying to change his mind.

I told him im not wasting my money & canceling my ticket & that we could make this work but he wouldn’t budge I was devastated so I texted him telling him he would have to cancel all the things I had planned for us to do for his birthday then he texts me saying I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you things just faded & I was hurt because I truly don’t understand how he could “lose” feelings that quick I recently apologized to him I let him know that if he would of said the same things I said to you I would do the same thing & break up but I don’t want us to be over I just want to know will he back should I wait it out & not say anything to him my heart hurts he was wonderful to me & I do realize the things I’ve said I do want to change apart of me wants to pour my heart out to him but I am truly scared I will just push him away and he will never come back I mean since we did break up we have texted some and called but that can mean anything right?

Mimi,

Your situation sounds like it purely comes down to his life experience with a person like yourself. Example, if I have never dealt with this situation before then I would be inclined to still allow you into my life. However, if from my personal experience a situation like this has consistently turned bad then it’s pretty much over in my mind.

That financially secure part stuck out to me where I think it actually had a lot more meaning to it from my perspective anyways. For example, it sounded like this was a potential big reservation from the start where for whatever reason he decided to take that barrier down and jump into a relationship with you. That’s a huge gesture of “trust” if you want to call it that.

So when you started threatening him with things where finance seems to play a role in the discussion, such as saying you are not wasting your money on tickets, you kind of reaffirmed in his mind that he is a “loser” and that his “weaknesses” in life will not be nurtured by you. Instead, it feels that you use his weaknesses against him to try and show dominance, if that makes sense.

Imagine a scenario where I felt I was someone who couldn’t walk for whatever reason which I felt very subconscious about. Example, not being able to do regular physical activities that most others would, being able to freely get to places myself, etc. Now obviously a person doesn’t want to be reminded of that handicap and therefore feels they would never be good enough for someone. Now you come along where you seem to embrace it. While I had my reservations I decided to trust you on that.

Now imagine one day we got into a dispute. You now tell me things such as you are going to go hiking instead of wasting your time doing things like watching a movie at home. As well, you tell me that you are going to cancel all special transportation arrangements to go see an event. If you really think about it the main thing here isn’t like say your blunt personality per se but rather how your actions attacked the person’s insecurities that he trusted you with in virtually every way. Understanding that should enable you to understand how to repair it.

You could argue in a sense that one’s insecurities is something they should have to deal with for themselves. At the same time, where is the balance between having two couples who should be helping to naturally make each other stronger? That’s for you to decide of course. Speaking for a person like me, the fact that he still has some kind of contact is good. That means you have an opportunity to repair the damaged relationship. You just have to be extremely consistent with it now because like in my mind odds are if you aren’t genuine with it you won’t stay long anyways. So expect a potentially long journey if that is truly what you want.

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10 Comments

  • Mimi March 28, 2016

    I think I am the worst person when it comes to being there for someone. When him & I first dated he let me know off the bat about his financial issues. I wanted to help i suggested things. I felt he was very insecure and not open to looking for jobs when I did suggest that he never followed up with these jobs to get the status of his app or show these jobs he was interested. I wanted to be there for him but not offend him he told me all the time how he wanted to do special things for me but he never had the extra money. I didn’t mind I never did. I have realized with him I was his safe haven something to come to when he was stressed out but lately I was not due to the tension we had. well the signs look good so far we are active on each other’s social media and just today he liked my picture * again that could mean anything* I am very much so afraid. I am not to sure what you mean by “jump into the relationship” does this mean he had high expectations? See in that argument I said awful things I tried to tell him about himself his financially insecurities. But sometimes I also think the people he surrounds himself around has a lot to do with the break up as well. that time I brought up the time frame I wanted us having things established and what I wanted done with us at a certain age ( living together marriage etc) definitely turned him off and I could tell and it brought tension I really regretted mentioning it & I told him to forget everything I said about that. after I suggested is taking a break he told me he got opinions from his friends at his college and at work and they seem to have good and positive opinions about us it just frustrated me because they know nothing about us and I felt betrayed and that is what I told him idk if that hurt his feelings when I said that but would me expressing my opinion about his friends advice/opinion & establishing our future in a set time push him too far?

  • Mimi March 28, 2016

    His friends from college & work seemed to have bad & positive feedback about us* sorry for the typos.

  • Alan March 28, 2016

    The jumping into the relationship is the part I mentioned about the finance which you kind of confirmed just now. Because he isn’t financially stable that means he doesn’t feel “ready” or “desirable” for love. Example, most people expect the guys to be the bread winner or else you will get mocked and belittled for it. There is no way a girl can love a man who isn’t which is the social norm as they say. So he jumped into the relationship trusting you wouldn’t use that against him. But in a way you did as mentioned in my original response. You didn’t do it in a malicious way by the sounds of it, but it definitely made him think how it indeed is a factor in terms of his worthiness for love.

    It could very well be the people he surrounds himself with who are a bad influence for his professional life as an example. I can’t answer that for you as I don’t know him personally, what his aspirations are along with his track record. Based on what you wrote though it sounds like he basically needs some major confidence boosting as it sounds like he can’t decide things for himself in a sense. As an exaggerated example, are you prepared for a role reversal? Example, you are the person who goes to work and brings in the money while he is the person that stays home to take care of the kids? That might sound ridiculous to you but with his current situation that’s what it sounds like it would be and where he would need to hear it clearly from you that you are okay with that.

    Now if you are not okay with that then I don’t think you are wrong to bring up your expectations on what you expect for him to do in the relationship. You need to be crystal clear about this for yourself and him I feel. Like with what I just said, either you are okay with him being the “homemaker” in the sense of a long-term relationship or you are not. Have you ever asked him what he wants too in terms of his ideal vision of the future? It’s kind of important here I feel to see if your goals and values align where you two can then work together in building it.

    My own opinion too is that you should use positive reinforcement as opposed to a negative one. Example, saying if he doesn’t get a job means you will leave him is negative. Saying if he gets a job then you two can have the future that you both want is a positive one. Your story so far reminds me of literatures I read on how people who are more blunt and ambitious would crush a sensitive and deep thinking person like me. From my perspective, it can be good as long as it is done in a thoughtful and supportive way.

    There shouldn’t ever be a “break” in my mind personally. Because for a person like me that means we will never truly be there for one another for both the good and bad times. Ultimately, make sure you know what he wants for the future as well. Because a person like you can be fantastic if I told you my goal was to climb up a mountain and you are there to push me to be my best. If you are pushing me to go up the mountain because you want me to “toughen up” then this relationship is all wrong in many ways.

    You expressing your opinions about his friends directly sounds kind of dangerous at this point if he is “weak willed” in a sense. I would instead approach it by finding out exactly how he sees the future and then making him realize the things he needs to do to get there. It’s a little unfair to say this, but if he is going to his friends in this case then emotionally you aren’t giving support in the way that he needs. I am not justifying say his work ethic of being say unemployed. But keep in mind that different people need to be spoken to in different ways.

  • Mimi March 29, 2016

    Update: alright so I decided to text him Lastnight. I didn’t know what to say so I sent him a funny picture with a laughing emoji to try to lighten the mood between us I guess break the ice. It is now today and he hasn’t respond. Should I leave him alone? What might he be thinking?

  • Alan March 29, 2016

    Interestingly enough, if I was him I would probably be wondering what you are thinking by sending that emoji. As I kind of mentioned above, I would be like a skeptic where you are potentially only doing this due to a mood swing of sorts. Like saying, you want to talk to me now because you are say bored or want company but based on that last incident there is no way you could genuinely love and want to be with me in the long run based on the current situation.

    If you are not sure what to say then maybe you aren’t digesting the message I wrote. As well, since you didn’t mention anything I am unsure if you truly did decide if say the above scenario is okay for you when it comes to him. All you really need to do is communicate that with him I feel. I mean think of it for yourself. What would you expect from me if we were a couple and I just made you say feel like the ugliest and most useless person in the world? Would me sending you a funny emoji help in your view?

    I would imagine an invitation to have a heart to heart talk would be the better solution as an example. If you are trying this with an “icebreaker” way then do it in a way that has some meaning to it. Just as a funny example, if you sent me a funny picture which said “Let’s talk” which consisted of pictures or characters of something that I enjoy or relate to it puts me in the mindset that maybe you do understand me as a person. The key is don’t push it but rather make it very inviting to speak with you.

  • Mimi March 30, 2016

    I truly feel like a fool. So I texted him today & he did not respond & I just recently saw that he is following his ex the girl before me back on Instagram. My heart sunk when I saw it. The weird thing she is not following him back on Instagram I have no idea what is going on but this truly hurts .

  • Mimi March 30, 2016

    Okay I stand corrected she’s been following him on Instagram he just now started following her back it looks like she still has a boyfriend im just hurt. Idk what the hell is going on apart of me wants to go crazy & block him & try to forget me & him.

  • Alan March 30, 2016

    Unfortunately you haven’t been answering my questions which doesn’t really give us anything to go by. As of now it sounds like you are simply sending messages without wanting to look at things from a bigger picture to enlighten yourself on what needs to be done.

    It’s your personal choice of course. But right now if we are talking about like a subject of finding jobs it’s like me asking you to first explain what kind of working environment and lifestyle you want only to have you reply back by saying you just sent another dozen cover letters and resumes that you always write in the same style and got no response. One step at a time.

  • Mimi March 31, 2016

    To answer your questions, yes I am with role reversal me & him have talked about me being the “bread winner” and he said he was fine with that. I do not have a problem as long as he is working and has a decent job. I have also asked him about his goals he is currently in a state he does not want to be in only because of school but once he finishes he wanted to move to the same state I am planning to move to once I finish school myself. Yes I understand now. I think I am beating around the bush. I am just truly scared what to say to him that idk if it’s right or wrong. So as of now I am just going to leave him alone and give him space. It’s not what I really want to do but I am not making the situation better

  • Alan March 31, 2016

    You kind of established one thing then with what you wrote I feel. Basically, the guy has to be working and have a “decent job” which if I am not mistaken means there is no way you would accept a guy that is a “homemaker” even if they were 100% what you were looking for emotionally.

    With that in mind you really have the control here from my perspective anyways. By the sounds of with your requirements it’s almost like at this point you are eating a cake where you love the icing but hate the inner layer. So maybe it’s a different type of pastry all together you are looking for. But it’s just that you never had icing that tickled your taste buds that much. Is that a reason to keep eating a whole cake though?

    I mean let’s assume the worst case type of scenario right now where he never gets a “decent job.” Would you still be concerned about whether or not he sees you in a romantic way? If you say yes then I think that needs clarifications as to why as you stated yourself the guy has to have that requirement. I would think that all the pressures of a relationship should be off there where you would just treat him as like a friend.

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