Don’t know what to do!!
Ridhi Asks:
Hi Alan,
I am dating a 27 year old Pisces man, he’s a charming guy and very social and has had a very colourful past. I have known him for a year now and we have been in a serious relationship since good 9-10 months now.. He’s been a very supportive guy, tho he has his negatives too.. he’s into drugs id not call him a proper addict but surely on a path of becoming one.. I’m also not completely perfect and once i happen to kiss some other guy when i was drunk (my ex/bf only told me about it as i still got no memory of doing it) He did not break up with me instead asked me to marry him :/ i felt really guilty.. ever since i have been making lots of efforts to keep things working out.
There have been times we have had fights and in the moment of anger he broke up with me it started with breaking up for few hours then 12 hours then a day then 3 days.. but max 3 days.. i also feel overtime he pushed it a little more to kind of test me, and i didn’t want it to end so id always patch up and say sorry even if it wasn’t my fault alone. but its becoming worse last break up he blocked me from instagram and whastapp and snapchat.. it was my fault as i accused him for something he hadn’t done.. so i patched up through Facebook.. he also has a habit of doing coke.. which i hate.. i even told him i can’t stand it and twice i threw a fit at a party and because of which he said he cannot have fun with me, so he started going out with his friends, i didn’t fight over it.. i let him do that cz i wanted him to have fun and not feel suffocated by me.
Last month he had been telling me lies about his whereabouts and has been doing crack.. last night he confessed and said he wants to leave .. he hasn’t met me for over 2 weeks now.. so he wanted me to see him for the weekend spend sometime… also like i mentioned he has had a very colourful past and is in touch with many girls he has previously slept with.. last night we were having such a healthy long conversation about our families and he wanting to meet my mom.. and us planning a trip together to europe.. and it was morning we spoke all night on face time.. (we face time very night sleep on it ) so in the morning my phone pinged and he asked who messaged me n when i told him it was a guy i had a scene with 3 years back my bf just flipped out..
it was a casual message nothing flirty too.. but he just flipped out! i tried arguing my case that even he talks to his old flings so why is he overreacting to this.. which i think made it worse.. he was so furious that he just broke up with me i even asked why he said i lied to him.. didn’t tell me about what.. and just to hurt me he said a lot of shit.. also broke up…which i couldn’t take so i didn’t reply.. 24 hours passed we both didn’t contact.. and today when i woke up he had blocked me off from IG snapchat, whatsapp and even FB this time.. which i feel was more like an attention seeking tactic :/.. but i have always patched up and he always came back also said he wouldn’t have if he wanted to .. I’m so confused.. this time he really got angry for no reason n broke up n said really hurtful things.. my self respect will not let me contact him.. but i don’t want to completely lose him.. i don’t know if i should let him be n see if he comes back.. c if he doesn’t then obviously i didn’t mean anything..
I’m just scared he doesn’t get his ego involved n not message me at all.. idk should i wait it out? should i give him some days to cool down and talk? or let it be completely.. and move on if i don’t hear from him.. also he had done crack the night before.. so his reaction could also be just coke rage.. also he has broken up with be previously on coke rage… and thats not fair.. he even expects stuff like ill go lengths to keep him.. show up at his house or try to melt him.. he does melt but i don’t want to be sorry for something i didn’t even do! i really don’t know what to do !!??? i can’t understand how can someone go from i wanna travel with you to fuck off i don’t wanna see your face!
Ridhi,
One rather simple factor to all this behavior is pretty straight forward I feel. As you say, this guy is on drugs. I don’t think you can expect rational behavior from people in that state. It would be like wondering why someone drunk is saying all these hateful things. As well, saying how he wants to marry you after that incident which made you feel guilty kind of shows me the foundation of this relationship is more about the fear of change in a sense. That’s never a good idea in my opinion if so.
Just to make sure too did you already write this question before? Because your story sounds familiar and with the same name. But either way both stories seem to be the same thing in the sense of making sure this whole relationship is actually being pursued and stuck with for the right reasons. I guess an analogy would be like if you ran a business and you were giving a person a job because they are unemployed and elated to you in some way. At the same time they don’t truly want to do that job. It’s easy to see there how the person can take the situation for granted as an example.
Like there too if the person insisted in constantly not showing up or doing bad things would it be a good idea to keep them employed with you? I would personally say no until they fix themselves. At the same let’s say he rage quits so many times. Would you keep re-hiring him? Obviously work and personal relationships like these are fundamentally different but the essence is the same I feel. Like there I wold really ask yourself why you keep in a sense rewarding that behavior or wanting to be involved with it where to the person it says that’s okay to do that.