Feelings For Two Women
Hi. This is a bit long sorry. I know a lot of people will judge me for this but here goes… Whilst in the process of divorce, 2 years ago I met a pisces on an online dating site. He lives 1000kms from me but we both travel, and given I didn’t want to jump into anything serious (given I’d just left a marriage), I was happy to accept long distance even if it meant only seeing each other every few weeks. We met and clicked immediately.
The only issue was, he told me he was in an open marriage. That him and his wife married for convenience, not love, although they care about each other, so they both have relationships outside the marriage, and they don’t even sleep together. I really liked this guy and was lonely, so chose to believe him and decided that if he had lied to me it was on him. I’m very open minded about relationships and I was ok if she was consenting – which he said she was.
I guess I didn’t pursue further and ask to speak to his wife because I thought he might think I didn’t trust him. And I wasn’t really thinking. So everything was going very well. I knew I wasn’t just some girl he wanted for sex. We spoke every day. One day, a year down the track however, he was acting unusually distant. He told me that his wife was pregnant, that she didn’t know about me, although they both did have a general agreement about other relationships, and they slept together and I had misunderstood his situation.
I was shattered and felt misled. And that if I had known from the start they slept together and he wasn’t going to tell her about me I wouldn’t have touched the situation. But, I dod give him credit for eventually telling me because he could have hidden everything – living so far apart how would I know about any of it? The problem is, a year on in I had developed very strong feelings and I lacked the strength of will to walk away. I know people will judge me for that and will scoff at my naievety, but it’s very easy to sit on the sidelines and judge when your emotions aren’t involved. So we are actually still together and we have a very close bond. Right or wrong. We’ve never told each other we love each other though. But to be honest, I’ve fallen for him. My question is – how could he have feelings for two women? Or am I just a form of escapism? How can I know what his feelings are? I’m sure all of this is quite doomed, but I’m ruled by my heart.
I personally feel the underlying hurdle here in a sense is you both seem to have different values. With what you wrote he has more of a “partnership” type of mentality whereas you treat it more with a “romantic” type of mindset. Nothing wrong with that per se as to each their own. But it’s important to keep in mind I feel.
With that in mind it’s easy to think how one can have feelings for two woman in a sense in this scenario. Try thinking of it outside of your idea of “love” and what it should look like for a minute and think of it as he is looking for “partnerships” for his life. Like you mentioned that the first woman was for “convenience” and he was willing to enter into a marriage for it. So it’s more about looking for the “win-win” situations as opposed to the “grow old together” route. Again, to each their own.
What I would hate to see is that similar to how you said in the beginning you kind of went with it partly due to the loneliness factor. So I hope you aren’t being influenced by “pride” in a sense where many people try to salvage something they invested so much time into even if it is very wrong. Maybe I am reading this wrong too, but doesn’t this sentence you wrote say it all on what you want? “The problem is, a year on in I had developed very strong feelings and I lacked the strength of will to walk away.” If so, I would say focus on that instead of him.
As to how to see how he truly feels about you I think it comes down to something very logistical here in the sense of is he willing to like move to where you are or have immediate plans to bring you closer to him? Because I would imagine if he isn’t truly serious about it there will constantly be no tangible plans for it but rather empty promises and words to keep you hooked. It can be vice versa too where if you are literally doing everything to make that happen but he is rejecting it then that should make you think.