Forbidden or Destined Love?
Hi, the history with the Pisces man I love is 7 years old. He had a fiance at the time, but never told me (I did know he was involved with someone but assumed it wasn’t serious). I felt some detachment 3 months later, and in the fourth month learned he’d gotten married a week or two prior. We were almost in business together but I moved on professionally and personally from shame and hurt; he disconnected completely after assuming I’d left him a nasty vmail of my reaction to his wedding. Almost 2.5 years later, he saw me and initiated conversation where I learned of this vmail and he realized I wasn’t the one who left it. He wanted to reconnect…I told him things were different since he was now married and ran from him for a month.
He pursued me heavily and I ultimately gave in. I felt like I’d let something go that I cared for and it came back, maybe it was destiny. We fell in love, he kept saying “if things were different, where would we be” and “I wish we could rewind the time”. I heard from him every day. He asked me not to see anyone else. He was the first to say I love you. We conceived a daughter a year and a half later who is almost two now. The pain is excruciating and the time away from him is heart wrenching but he is a wonderful provider. I’m a stay at home mom to our daughter, we live comfortably in a large home, luxury suv, etc and I have been so strong but I’m breaking down.
He is a successful businessman but is facing legal woes and his drivers license was recently revoked. It’s taking a toll on him in every way, including financial and the stress plus distance (he works 17 hour days at times and is out of town a lot) is causing me to feel resentful. I plead for him to spend quality time with our daughter; he feels that he puts us first in a lot of ways ($) even though he is not here often. Holidays, vacations, etc do not exist for us but he’s been there for our daughter’s special events (birth, first bday party, christening). I’ve told him I would move on and start over and he makes excuses, more promises and pulls tighter (but still working his ass off to take care of two homes and legal fees).
I’ve been so supportive and patient but it’s at a breaking point for me. I’m looking to secure a job so I can support my household, I think he will always help financially but I don’t want to need him for anything if he doesn’t desire to be present in our lives. He says work is the burden, not us but we haven’t even seen him since November. I don’t feel like the same confident, sexy woman anymore. It feels like he’s hit the disconnect switch again and either way if I fight to hold on or let go is so hard. I feel love, pain, confusion, and rage. Sometimes I wish I’d kept running but I can’t imagine or would ever want life without my precious daughter.
If you asked me what I want, it’s for us to be together, yes. He’s never stated he’s in love with his wife, but he doesn’t want a divorce bc of financial – she would sweep him clean. I know my daughter and I deserve more and maybe I’m to blame for not asking the right questions before proceeding in our first or second time in a relationship. I have communicated as lovingly and clearly as possible for months but have started detaching also as a defense. I didn’t wish him a Happy Birthday this week. I’m an Aries. Please tell me something to make sense of this.
This situation is a little unfortunate as it sounds like you are essentially his mistress where he is using money as the main bond in all of this as opposed to love per se. In many ways it feels like you already have all the answers. It’s just a matter of which direction you want to go with and then taking action.
The only thing I can do is break it down in in a more technical way. Based on what you wrote, he is basically living a life of lies where not admitting and taking responsibility for his actions is making him work hard just to try and keep everything in the closet. Example, with you it sounds like money is being used as a big way to say “Hey, keep quiet”. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had another dozen closets full of skeletons for example where it is causing him to work overtime in a similar manner.
Example, instead of a side love interest it could be that he is misleading people business wise about his past or that that he is a big shot per se. For the people that do know the whole truth he wins them over with sympathy telling them how hard life is for him and that he just needs them to be quiet because if they tattle on him his business will be ruined. So to try and maintain that relationship with these people who know the truth he constantly takes them on lavish events to show how cool he is to continue winning support. That is just a hypothetical example, but you get the point.
In my personal opinion, if you continue to accept this then you are essentially being an accomplice of sorts to these lies too in many ways which I don’t think would be good in the long-term for the child. The decision is up to you of course. Just my other thought too, even if he was to financially lose a lot by being truthful, I can’t see how being rich but living life every day in fear and stress is better than living life moderately and happy with the people you truly care about.