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Getting him back – Distance

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Sara Asks:

Hi

My boyfriend just broken up with me 5 days ago (distance relationship), we had a call afterwards and I was asking for reasons while trying to keep him on the phone as I got a taxi to see him with the thought that I can change his mind or at least for him to break up with me face to face.

Him and his housemates didn’t let me in and threatened to call the police. So I sit outside in the cold/rain in shock not knowing what to do as it was quite late already. After a while they probably heard that I am still outside so his housemates called the police. The police came but couldn’t so anyrhing really as I wasn’t causing any problems but it did make me leave. He was waiting through the door until the taxi came but he didn’t come out and talk to me at all.

I went to see him 4 days before the break up and it was good and we were fine. He is a fresher at uni and because of uni and I’m his first girlfriend, those are the reasons he broke up with me and did that. He has blocked my FB, I saw his snapchat stories that he is home but I didn’t do anything and he just blocked my snapchat ytd after looking at my stories. I’m not sure whether he has blocked my number or not as I haven’t been texting him or calling him since that night but he didn’t block my whatsapp which is how we’ve been texting before he broke up with me. He made me seem like a psycho to him and to his friends when I only went because I don’t want to lose him

I know it’s crazy after all these has happened and I still want to be with him but I really think when we’re together were amazing and he said that himself as well, it’s just distance made it tough and uni has definitely changed him. I’m also quite high maintenance so because he used to text me loads I find it hard that he texts me less even though he did put in effort and then it ended up being him texting me less

I have no idea how but I really want him back. Do you think I have a chance? Please help me! He’s coming home for Christmas, I don’t know whether I will get the chance to see him or not but I really want him back and make this right because I love being with him.

Any help will be much appreciated!


Sara,

To me it doesn’t add up even with the long distance on how he would all of a sudden just want to break up. In my opinion, there has to be something in between that happened which he was simply keeping to himself or that the foundation of the relationship was faulty from the start, so to speak. Like from your end, four days before everything may have seemed rosey, but to a certain extent it sounded like an act on his end.

Of course there are a gazillion scenarios for this which I can’t say for sure since I don’t know all the facts. But as an example to what I wrote, it could be he had low self-esteem where having a girlfriend boosts his social status of sorts. While of course feelings will develop as the relationship goes on where the feelings itself can be authentic, the foundation is that this was more for social acceptance. Therefore, as time went on he found other things that appeared to be giving him better social acceptance such as maybe hanging out with a new group of guys. Therefore, it makes more sense to appease to them now.

That could then range from things on how they tell him that they can hook him up with a “better” person or that somehow its “uncool” to be with a person like you. Example, you mentioned the high maintenance part with a lot of texting and I could easily see his current social group telling him you are crazy and all which further pushes him to “jump ship.” Something like that to me would make perfect sense as to why his housemates were at the door and all.

If you think about it there, pretend I am his friend and you arrive wanting to talk. Why would my first reaction be to stop you at the door and then threaten to call the police? If I was completely neutral I would probably convince him to talk to you face to face so that you two can sort it out. However, there obviously was some kind of negativity thrown amongst the group about you to generate that reaction I feel. So don’t just assume all those times where everything seemed fine and dandy that there wasn’t something going on.

Do you have a chance? I would say yes, but if what I said was true I don’t think it is wise. This is just my personal opinion of course, but these kinds of scenarios are like you are trying to mold the person into your ideal mate as opposed to them being it. Example, one likes that you are this but hates you are that. Therefore, one continues with the relationship thinking I can “fix” you. He seems emotionally immature at the moment where he is still discovering what it is that he needs and wants.

Of course, that is a personal prerogative. If you really want him back I would start investigating what he has been saying about you and you can adjust it from there. I don’t think you should change who you are though personally for another.

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2 Comments

  • Sara November 20, 2015

    Hi

    Thank you for getting back to me

    Now that I have some time to myself to think about what was right and wrong in our relationship, it’s both of us not trying. He did put in effort when he first left and when I told him he didn’t text me enough he did try but then even if I did appreciate it, I did not change myself. I keep going to him about this which after a while, the comment is invalid and he stop tryin which I admit is my bad. I’m not trying to change myself only just so we can be together and all, but I think it is something that will make me into a better self as well

    His housemates was there at the door because I was knocking/banging at the door and it was late at night which I did say sorry after realising what the time was and one of them just say to the other housemates to not let me in so I understand that situation as to why they wouldn’t let me in and was annoyed with me. But at the same time I do understand what you meant that there must be some negativity going around.

    I really don’t know whether it really is social acceptance or not but before he left to uni, we would see each other everyday. Sometimes even if he has something with his friends he wouldn’t tell me and just come stay at mine or we would go on a date which I then realise later and told him so many times that he has to spend time with his friends.

    While I was on the phone to him, he did say that if I go to the same uni as him we would work perfectly fine, and did ask whether I want to do a break instead and try again during Christmas and we can see as well whether we really want to be with each other or it is that we’re just in it because we’re used to it but I said no as I do not want him to be with other girls during that and bare in mind we have only been together for 3 months so it’s a bit too fast to be used to each other but as I’m his first gf, 3 months is quite a while to be with someone and we used to be so close that it’s like we’re living together

    He did also say that it is too serious and he’s only 18 but from my PoV I’m his first gf so ofcourse if it going to be more serious than what he have had before. Tbf our relationship goes quite fast but at the same time we both say that it feels like we have known each other forever really so if we do get back together slowing things down a bit is something we have to work on

    With me being high maintenance, I can see his friends saying that he’s too attached and all as well that’s why the amount of texts has reduced as he would try not to text me when he’s with them

    I’m thinking through what he has said to me and trying to see things through on where the problem is, now I know that it’s both of us getting a bit comfortable with each other and stop trying but not allowing the other person to stop trying if that makes sense

    I really want him back and I don’t know how, you said I have a chance. How can I make that chance higher? As now he blocked my FB and snapchat even though he still leaves some options open for me to contact him but I know that now I have to give him space but after that what do I do? As when he’s back he still doesn’t live that close to me and I don’t think we will run into each other or anything?

    Thanks
    Sara

  • Alan November 20, 2015

    I feel a key piece of information you need to evaluate is how the relationship was made “official” per se. For example, was it genuinely in the moment where it just felt darn right for the both of you as an example without one trying to convince the other? Or were there constant pushes to make it happen where like for him it’s an “Alright, let’s give it a try” sort of deal?

    I ask that because for a person like me if I am head over heels about you we will go the extra mile to try and make it work. Things like “a break” shouldn’t even be in the vocabulary. Just an example that may sound kind of similar to yours with that scenario, I entered into my first relationship with a girl largely because she kept pushing for it. This was actually a long distance one too. While based on my knowledge of her I didn’t think we would work out in the long-term as some of her values didn’t seem match, the guilt trip kind of made say “okay, let’s see how it goes.” We did have a lot in common like you mentioned though where it felt like we have known each other forever.

    She was extremely needy (I think that is the term you mean instead of high maintenance) too in the sense of always wanting attention where like you say it was texts. I did give more and just like your example too she never changed. In my situation anyhow I kept giving to the point where she just drained me non-stop without consideration where the relationship was very one sided. Just as an example of the one sidedness, I was perfectly able to help her with her issues to make her feel better by listening to her issues and all. However, when it came to diving into an issue I was experiencing where I wanted her support by simply listening too she would say things like “I can’t as it would make me sad.”

    So throughout this relationship too I always had the same type of feeling where things were going way too fast I felt whenever she tried pushing to go even further. Because as you can tell, I wasn’t receiving enough of what I needed to go forward.

    That’s something to think about and is kind of your answer too I feel in terms of having a chance in getting him back. For example, you said you don’t want to be in this relationship just to be together as opposed to you feeling that it will make you a better person. Okay, that’s what you get for you two being in a relationship, but what does he get? At the same time, what does he need in life to feel like he is becoming a better person too? Are you giving him this?

    I say you have a chance because based on what you wrote it doesn’t sound like you parted ways based on say him thinking you intentionally tried to hurt him so that you can gain something sort of deal. With that in mind, it sounds like you just need to focus in being more of a positive energy in his life to show him clearly that being with you re-energizes and motivates him to be the best in life. I mean is there anyone who wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with the other if that’s how they feel with your presence? Because to me, it is clear that you aren’t at the moment giving him what he actually needs/wants right now and he has another source for it. That could be many things and it is up to you to find out.

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