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Helping the Dreamer, dream

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Knives Chow Asks:

Hi Alan,

I hope that you are well. I’ve read your blog a few times now and I do find it very interesting. Like you, I feel like it’s hard to paint everyone with the general brush that astrology often does. However, I do find the coincidences very intriguing. I have had my fair share of Piscean interest, admittedly there are some qualities of their personalities that are consistent across the board. Currently, I am in a relationship with a Pisces and my housemate, who happens to also be a good friend of mine is also a Pisces. I love them both very much, equally for their sensitivity and strength. I find them rather resilient. I write only based on the two that are close to me now, for two people who don’t often have much direction in life, they are strong and rather resourceful.

My Piscean man is beautiful in many ways, and very naughty in others. He has disclosed a lot of his past, many of which should have sent me packing – in a way it has created a lot of question marks for me and how to proceed in our relationship. More recently, we hit a speed bump. Being the sensitive being that he is, he is taking it a lot harder than I feel it should be taken. This bump has given us an opportunity to real expose ourselves though, and I am appreciative of how vulnerable we’ve become because of it.

After a very intense night, which involved me crying over trivial life problems and him trying to console me – I made the silly mistake of asking him where he saw our relationship going, as a means to clearly make myself feel better. This naturally backfired and ended in us each calling for the week to ourselves to think things through. After a week of not seeing each other and fewer than normal texts – we finally met up. I could tell by the little nuisances in his face that he wanted to hug and kiss me. Me being stubborn to the core, gracefully greeted him at the door and invited him in. No hug or kiss, just a smile. We sat on the couch next to each other, facing each other and being comfortable. Clearly wanting to make contact but reserving ourselves because we were on the brink of breaking up.

I let him talk. He said that he was constantly going back and forth with wanting to break up. Half of him believes that it shouldn’t be this hard. The other half thinks I am good for him, that he loves me and that some of the reasons why this isn’t working is his inadequacy in never feeling good enough for me. Again, back story: I earn double what he does. He and I just started new jobs when we first met. He is at the start of his career while mine is just kicking off after being in the position that he is in now. He had to take a huge pay cut in order to start working in the field he desires. It’s a lot to process on top of having a new relationship.

During our conversation I wanted to ascertain why he wanted to leave – I am not the type to accept these things without a logical explanation. After all, I do love him. He explained finally, that expressing himself was hard because it made him emotional. I said, that I understand doing so is far more difficult than to walk away or not talk at all. However, this conversation is bring us closer to together and closer to finding a solution. He agreed with that. He is torn between the fairy tale and feeling worried that he may never live up to my expectations. He also disclosed that he cheated on all but one of his girlfriends.

On that last note, he said that as a younger man he was not a good person. This need to be with other girls, apparently, doesn’t have any explanation other than he was a jerk. But it doesn’t explain why he did it again in his last relationship (even though he said he actually felt guilty this time) and why he would chose to tell me. To me, it’s like he is trying to give me a reason to move on from him.

After this weekend, when I went over to his place and showed him the sweet and sensitive side that I know he needs – he changed his mind to say that he wanted to stay with me because I made him happy and that he loved me. Is all of what he has said to me a result of being afraid and too sensitive? I am not as romantic as he is but I am known to be very nice and patient. And of course I love him too but I feel like I should walk away from this as his feelings seem fickle – like they are too much based on how he feels at the point in time. All relationships will hit a bumpy ride – I don’t want to have to worry that he’ll run to the arms of another person or mess about just because he is unhappy. To me, that isn’t what true love is about. I will always have faith that people have it within themselves to change, but the change can’t happen because of me – it has to happen because he wants to and sees the benefit in changing. I know deep down all he wants is a happy family life, much like me.

He is just too deep in old habits and methods of thinking and therefore, acting that he runs away or sabotages a good thing before it hurts him first.

Knives Chow,

I feel in your case it’s all about consistency in the information he gives you if you truly want to take it that far. This is just my opinion of course, but based on what you wrote it sounds like he is in a way taking advantage of the side in you that wants to believe in the best out of people or that they will change because of you. What commonly happens from what I have seen anyways is that a person like you then keeps giving to be betrayed by the other where the person’s answers is either “I don’t know why I do it” or that they jump on to the next person.

Here’s an example. There was a guy I knew where at the moment way back he broke up with his girlfriend. I asked why and he said she was verbally abusing him. Fast forward to years way after where I saw him again and he wanted something from me. He was actually telling me things like he was scared to approach me because he thought I wouldn’t want to be friends with him and all since it seems like he was very unstable in life professionally. It was shortly after when I asked about things like his relationships where he revealed to me that he actually cheated on the girl that he broke up with way back. Long story short, I found out that he kept doing this currently with all the woman he was with pretty much.

To me that was a warning sign that this guy is bad to have in my life. However, wanting to be helpful and all I allowed this person into my life. That was definitely a bad move as he just exhibited pretty much the same type of behaviors of constantly lying to people and all while using “confessions” as a way to get people sucked into his trap.

If you are one that is really into logic then you can approach it that way too. For example, he stated he cheated on his girlfriends and all. So what did he do about? If he didn’t do anything, then in my view that means he hasn’t changed because he never directly addressed and owned up to what he did. If he claims he did do something to help make it up to them then confirm it. At the same time, ask past people in his life on how he treated and acted around them. Like in my case above, you’d be surprised on how technically similar the whole process can be in terms of things like his confessions if he is on the deceitful side. You may think you are so special where the person is only revealing this to you just to realize it is like a textbook strategy of theirs.

That might not be the case of course, but there are more odds of that being the case then the opposite from my personal experiences anyways. Again, how far do you want to research into it? Based on everything you wrote, to me him telling you those stories isn’t to give you a reason to leave per se in a noble way. It’s more like in his mind it is a gamble where he is throwing the dice as based on your history it is like an all or nothing bet at a casino of your gullibility and tolerance in a sense to keep things going.

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4 Comments

  • Kc February 13, 2016

    Hi Alan,

    Thanks for your email. Your response was very helpful.

    I was going to leave it at your response but seeing as you helped me clarify a few things and how this has benefited me, I thought it would good to close this.

    As an update – after being apart from each other our relationship hit a lull. I tried to pick things up again but it was obvious that he had given up. So, I called him around to discuss our situation again. Knowing that if I had left it, it probably have ended awfully which wasn’t what I wanted.

    I asked him about his last ex and wheter or not he did anything after he cheated on her, he said he felt extremely guilty and tried to make it up to her but she left anyway. Then I asked if he ever told her what he did, to which he replied – no.

    I asked him why he felt compelled to do this, to which he still responded with he didn’t know why. But after tracing back on his history I put it down to either boredom or the relationship not living up to his idea(ls).

    I asked him if he cheated on me, his response was no – but thinking back now I see that that was a silly question for me to ask and I deserve that answer. Either way, it doesn’t matter.

    Based on the fact that he was half unsure, I broke it off because I knew he didn’t have it in him to do it, constantly tooing and froing.
    Of course this hurt me a lot. He wants to remain friends and we obviously have a lot of chemistry/in common. But I am hesitant because of what you’ve said of me that resonated – that maybe I am being too gullible and he is indeed taking advantage of me.

    I would often want to cut contact, which he’d respond with – if you think it’s best then maybe we should until you’re ready. He says the space has been good for him , I can see that it has been too, and I’ve helped him be a bit more ‘adult’, I’ve yet to clarify what that means though.
    I told him that one day I will move on, at the minute it’s hard to walk away but also hard being friends. He said that he obviously still has a lot of feelings for me.

    I noticed that we’ve both become too overly curious about each others whereabouts and who is keeping us company. So for that reason, it’s better I cut loose from the friendship until I can actually love him platonically. I Have done it before, I can do this again.

    He has also said, somewhere amoungst the above, that he doesn’t see himself dating anyone for a long, long time.

    While I miss him a lot, I’ve noticed that like many girls on here we hold onto ‘friendships’ with exes, fooling ourselves in thinking we can be the change. But the truth is, if we were right in the first place we wouldn’t have to constantly try being ‘that thing that changed him’.

    Anyway, based on what I’ve written I don’t know if you have any further thoughts on him.

    Thanks for everything, you’re a dime in a dozen. I hope you’re getting something out of all of this as you’ve given! 🙂

  • Alan February 13, 2016

    Based on what you wrote I would be inclined to go with the “boredom” direction in terms of his mentality in a sense.

    The part about helping him to be more like an “adult” in context feels to me he is using that as a way to imply to you that you are doing something good for him and that you should continue. Basically, a way to hopefully get you to cling on as who in the world would want to just let go of someone where they feel they are creating something positive for another right?

    I think the over exaggerated comparison would be like a devious child breaking everything around you where you know it is bad and you tell them to stop. The child then tells you how they are becoming a better person because of you and that they are trying to change themselves. Like there, he/she softened you up to stick with them and their behavior and so don’t be surprised when they start breaking stuff around them again. I would imagine like there you simply need to be firm and not reward actions and behaviors that don’t match your personal values and beliefs. It sounds like he has continually gotten the things he wanted in life with the methods that he uses. So why would a person change?

    My personal thoughts are similar to the comment about him saying he doesn’t see himself dating for a long time. It feels like guilt trip to the extreme for you in many ways. But based on what you wrote it sounds like you made the decision to walk so I am assuming this is all irrelevant now. I agree with you based on everything you wrote that if you were right for each other you shouldn’t be the one to have to change the other. If anything, you both should naturally make each other better.

    P.S.

    On a funny side note this may be a cultural thing, but the term “a dime a dozen” is usually used to imply something that is say cheaply made where it is not valuable and you can get it anywhere in abundance. In context I know that is not what you meant, but thought I would bring that up incase you have been using that phrase and being oblivious to its meaning. That wouldn’t be a good thing to say to a guy like after a date as an example. 😀

  • Kc February 14, 2016

    Morning Alan,

    Thanks again for your prompt reply. I’m slightly embaressed by the quote, haha but I am glad you understood what I was trying to say. Sorry about that!

    About the whole keeping around as a friend – I know he seeked to find excitement elsewhere because I wasn’t exactly fun at the time. To be fair on him, I was going through a lot myself but that doesn’t excuse the him wondering about other options. I just don’t see the point of keeping me around if it’s just constant texting? I guess maybe because he said from the beginning that I was good for him and yes, I am patient enough to listen to his stories and not judge – maybe that’s where I am going wrong?

    Anyway, it’s a tough one because walking away isn’t something I do unless I can see you are genuinely a bad person. He helps other people a lot – especially when there is no benefit to him whatsoever or seemingly so. I am of the same mind set, I enjoy helping people – it’s nice to see when you can contribute to someone else’s happiness. Ah, there I see it. It must be so interesting listening to people on your blog. Especially when people like me have lightbulb moments as we’re writing!

    You are right about me having made a decision already. Whilst it is civil and nice, I just don’t see the point in staying, especially when he has said he is worried about hurting me again. Based on the fact that I may not be able to let go whilst remaining friends. He has said that he cares for me a lot. If he does truly care – then why hasn’t he made the decision to not contact me for a while? Shouldn’t that be the first thing you’d do? While I am writing this I keep laughing at myself for constantly only wanting to believe in the best in people. Darn it Alan! Haha

    P.S. Soo sorry about my incorrect use of ‘A Dime in a dozen’. How horrible! But I’m glad you cleared that one up. :p

  • Alan February 14, 2016

    I can’t speak for every guy in the world of course as everyone is different, but generally speaking you should stick to your thought I feel about how regardless of the mood you were in that shouldn’t be a reason for him to “wander” as you put it. Like speaking for myself, my mindset would be if the person I care about is in trouble or distraught in some way that is the time they need me the most as opposed to only the “fun” times. That should be a reason for him to be closer I feel.

    The only time I would personally like say end the ties with you in those kinds of situations is if in the exact same scenario with the roles reversed you don’t reciprocate the care. Then it makes a person like me not want to be around you as it is a lopsided relationship. I am assuming that wasn’t the case with you to him.

    It would make sense to me on why he would keep you around for texting and all too with the factors we have discussed so far. It explains why he seems like a person that gets “bored” too and wanders. In general, it feels like you were there to fill in a need for him. Would be like saying, why would some “friends” only hang around with you to have “fun” yet stay far away when you are going through a difficult situation? Like there I would say those particular friendships are limited to the fact that they want something from you such as making them laugh and smile. To be fair, many friendships simply are like that for many.

    I would say it’s not you as a person that they genuinely care about but rather what you are offering them. So, they leave you to recover on your own and welcome you back into their lives when they feel you can give them more. Hence, just like those people and the texting they will still maintain some form of contact with you as they know what they can get from you when you are 100% well. It’s just a nicer way for people to not look like a bad guy in sense. On the flip-side there are those good friendships where like two people genuinely care for one another.

    As to why I write and listen to others here, for me it’s about knowing I may have an ability to help and I understand the feeling of being stuck and having no one to turn to. Like they say, those who know what it is like to fall down are most likely the ones to lend you a hand to get back up. This isn’t exactly a romantic video to show as an example even though it is Valentine’s Day, but I saw this video not too long ago that kind of expresses my sentiments in a similar manner in terms of being that “one guy” who may be able to enlighten and help you with your ordeal.

    People probably aren’t necessarily getting that stressed, but I assume for almost everyone who reaches out to me they are missing like that one person to help answer and reassure them of things. Can’t really expect more other than hopefully people like yourself get that light-bulb moment as you say and the confidence to do what you feel is best.

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