Online/long distance relationship

Wendi Asks:

Hi Alan,

I would be grateful for any thought/opinions or advice you could give me on this, please. I live in the U.K. and have met through an international dating site a Pisces who lives in the States. In his initial email he seemed very sincere and wise( he is 14 yrs my senior) he told me he doesn’t play games and I should trust him. He told me his previous relationship which ended last year lasted for eight years till she left him. Later, when we started using an IM site he told me he had a bit of a breakdown after the failed relationship, but he is over it and ready to start a new life with me.

This all started in July. We had a bit of a hiccup but things are ok now. We haven’t met yet but it looks like we will meet in January.

How would a Pisces behave in a relationship like this? Can I trust him? I am crazy about him. Sometimes I’m not sure what’s the right thing to say or talk about. I’m a Capricorn if that makes any difference? I’m very positive and enthusiastic and want to live life to the full, but I’m afraid to be too full on if you know what I mean?

He seems very sweet and I think he’s quite lonely as it is just him and his dog, any family he has are in Europe.

What kind of conversations do Pisces like and how best can I compliment him or make him smile?

Any advice great fully received?

Wendi,

Have you two actually physically seen or heard each other’s voice before live like say through video chat? Generally speaking, my personal advice for you overall is if you haven’t don’t commit too much emotionally into the whole thing until you do. Because many times when people just commutate through text we can get a very distorted reality on what is actually being communicated based on what our current state of mind is. Or in instances where people meet long distance like this and say they constantly refuses to meet in-person then something is usually wrong. So please be very vigilant first and foremost.

About trust and how one would behave that all depends on the person’s intent which I can’t really conclude as I don’t have the specific details to analyze. That is something you would have and would need to do your research on to fill in the puzzle. But I can give you two hypothetical scenarios on how I personally feel the situation would play out if the person was in some ways deceiving you or was really serious.

For a less than honest person I can imagine this situation where the person would constantly try and build a profile on you with an extra emphasis in understanding your current life weaknesses. While one always talks a good game such as always seeming to know what to do to make you smile or his sad life stories that makes you want to care for him whenever you make an attempt to push things forward he would always make an excuse as to why you shouldn’t. You technically can’t say he has done anything wrong to you per se so you can’t automatically classify that action as bad. So in a way you can easily be persuaded to just trust the person.

For the person who is being raw and honest with you I would envision the situation to be more about listening to you in a caring way while simply being open to the love that you are willing to give them. In a sense it’s more like a relationship is a plant. It will always be there for you in the best and worst of times and the more you water it and give it your sunlight the better this plant will become for you and themselves. Like for a person with my personality type it’s not about necessarily telling you things but rather being fully open in a way where you can decide how you want to treat this as it should be clear as daylight. Example, you see a plant turning brown that can mean water it more. If you tell the plant that you want to try taking this thing to the next level by going to a warmer environment then it would go with you as long as it I possible.

So like the question of what conversations a person would like it really depends what type of guy we are dealing with here. For the person in the first example I would imagine the best conversations are “submissive” ones in the sense of you are giving everything emotionally to them while they don’t in return. Because what they want is the feeling of control in many ways. With the second example the best types of conversations would be just natural care. Ask them how their day was or take an active interest on the things that are important to them in a natural way.

Again, at the moment I personally feel you really need to really meet each other along with other types of fact checking before just pouring your heart out. I would imagine even things like video chats should be a common thing nowadays as most people have like a phone with a camera on it.

On a side note, I was actually confused about him being in the US with all his family being in Europe for the loneliness factor. Example, 8 years in the US with that last person and he hasn’t developed like a social circle in that time? Would be stranger if they were married too as technically her family would be his as well.