My Pisces husband of 17 years whom I have two children with has been having an affair for the last few months with a foreign woman as he is currently deployed there. He has fallen madly in love with this woman and has turned his back on me and the children. He “forgets” birthdays and holidays….did not even send Christmas gifts to the kids.
And gets angry when told what he has done wrong or being irresponsible. This is so out of character for him as he has always been a family man type of guy. I’m still in shock! The woman he is having an affair with and wants to marry is about 10 years younger and cannot even speak English…I’m not exactly sure what is going on in his head but he is due back next month and I’d like to know if I can look forward to his attitude still remaining cold and hard or is there a chance he could come back to himself once away from her and back to familiar ground. Please help! Thanks.
Just to note that in thinking about this I am going with the mindset that there is actually nothing physically wrong with him as a result of his work or he is somehow being forced to do all this. Exaggerated example would be head trauma or something where people now have a lifelong memory loss kind of thing or he got blackmailed for some reason.
With that in mind my initial feeling with what you wrote is that he has actually been “unhappy” for a very long time to the point where he doesn’t care. He has just been hiding it per se as the social responsibly of being the family man and the image of it is important. That all would make perfect sense to me why he is having such a crazy affair with this woman out of nowhere in your mind while getting angry at you for telling him what he is doing is wrong.
It makes sense where if he was keeping this thing together say for the kids and family in his mind he has been sacrificing himself every day for it. So when you tell him what he is doing is wrong when he is enjoying those moments it creates that emotion to want to tell you off not because of what he is doing now but for all the other stuff.
Not saying that is morally or ethically right of course but that all makes perfect sense to me in that way. Imagine if all he wanted was the good and no responsibility. Basically him being with that woman who can’t even speak English means there is no emotional effort I guess you can say. I don’t know what her motivation is of course but for the sake of trying to understand the situation it makes sense in that way to me.
Of course the million dollar question is what you should do. Ultimately I think it’s about discovering how long he has been unhappy and why as to me he clearly hasn’t been happy for a very long time. These things don’t just happen out of nowhere I always say. Another way to think of it too is that he is in a mindset where he will simply not care to make you mad so you take the step in breaking it off so he doesn’t feel like he is to fully blame as you wanted it too per se.
I think the only real neutral way to go about with it is to ask him what he wants and why. Telling him how he should be will only create that tension I feel. This way you can at least get answers to a certain extent and analyze that. This might not be a popular item too given the situation, but constructively analyzing why and how he ended up with that lady can tell a lot too in terms of things like his needs and desires. Ultimately it is up to you of course.