Pisces men and commitment

26 Comments

• 

  Michelle October 5, 2016

  Follow up:
  It felt like we were magnets, a strong attraction and we just couldn’t stop talking. Our conversations were about everything from what we wanted in marriage/relationships, career goals, fitness goals, he would constantly ask questions and I would to and we spent hours every night just digging deep in to our minds. He then moved to NY for work and tries to end things and told me it was for the best and that time would tell if we were meant to be together/friends. After a week of being in NY he is communicating again and we decide to email. (our emails are as long as essays)

  What is confusing is that he wants me to be open with him and wants to talk about everything and sex without any filter but I am reserved and like to share those things with someone I am in a relationship in. I was afraid to open up from the beginning but he reassured me and motivated me to do so. He asked me about other men and tells me talk to others too. I showed him and told him about guys but that it didn’t go anywhere and he was excited and said he had been the winner.

  Yesterday I told him that he was contradicting himself because he pushed me away and then wants me to give be open with him again but I can’t have feelings for him or even hope for a relationship anytime soon. He seemed upset and said I was being negative and that he doesn’t want to promise anything since he’ll be moving again and because he will be in another country that maybe we shouldn’t talk for a while. Saying that I should meet other guys and talk some time for myself. Later that day he messages and acted like nothing. I haven’t replied since because I feel like a fool for having such strong feelings for him. He motivated me in every aspect of my life and has pushed me in my career and education .. even fitness goals. He’s dug deep within me to figure me out and always says he wants me to be happy. I feel like I’ve been friend-zoned. He leaves in two days for Germany.. I feel like I just shouldn’t contact or reply his messages anymore. At this point can I salvage a friendship after I’ve been hurt? Why did he devote so much and ask for so much just to be my friend? Is he really career driven and focused on that? I admire it since I am the same but I wouldn’t have started something like this with someone I didn’t plan on dating.
• 

  Alan October 5, 2016

  My immediate reaction with what you wrote is that you are missing something for him which he really wants in a relationship. It can be something that is say “impolite” or “inappropriate” to just outright say. To me factors like that perfectly makes sense with his actions/reactions as you are kind of like in the “if only you were this” sort of deal. I wouldn’t call that friend zoned per se but rather odds are you won’t change whatever that is but he will leave it to fate per se. However, it’s like saying “One can only dream.” Basically, whatever it is should be a “deal breaker” in his mind but for whatever reason it’s something that he feels maybe things can change and he will leave it to fate.

  I am going to just use this as an example to make the point as it’s the most common one I say. Let’s pretend two people matched so well in every way possible except for whatever reason that spark wasn’t there in terms of the physical attraction. One person or the other simply doesn’t get that butterflies in their stomach feeling. However, everything else feels so right. Because of that one starts to self-doubt themselves on whether or not their mind is completely wrong or not in terms of what they need/want in a relationship.

  However, they continue on with “relationship” if you want to call it that in a carefully distant way because they cherish the connection between the two. Hence, talking deeply about life ambitions and even things like sexual desires. Again, it puts the person in a spiral as these conversations and all is a constant reminder that everything else seems so perfect but that one factor is something they believe in where In the long run it won’t work out.

  Because of that too one then pushes you away in a sense by encouraging you to see others. It acts as a way to confirm too to themselves that this factor that is keeping you two apart is big enough where in the long run it would kill the relationship. But in the meantime the person feels like you two can share those special emotional connections with each other until it becomes inappropriate such as you actually entering into a relationship with a person.

  To me in essence it would all make sense that way and how he easily just acted like nothing happened as you say. From what I gather you basically have two routes to go with. You can try extremely hard to find out what this factor is which is going to be like finding a needle in a haystack I think. I would imagine though the only way to get a person to say that in these circumstances is if you could somehow get them to be like so mad or careless in life where they will just tell you things like it is in an unfiltered way.

  The other option of course is like you say you can choose to just not open up your deep thoughts and connections with others unless you are in like an official relationship. You shouldn’t compromise on your own values I feel personally.
• 

  Michelle October 5, 2016

  Hi Alan,

  See that would make sense and it is something I have always thought of. Judging by some of the things he has said regarding what his parents have told him to look for in a woman, I would say that me not having graduated be a sort of deal breaker. He completed is masters and is continuing his education and his dad has a Phd. I am still working on my bachelors. This would make sense as to why he is always motivating me academically and telling me to work hard, etc. I’ve never asked him if that’s it but I have mentioned other things like my personality or a physical attraction. I know he is attracted to both and he says it all the time. Do you think that’s it? His career is very important as well as his education so I think he would want proof that those values align with mine. He told me to learn coding and set up a website and to send him the link when I was done. He told me I could make a lot more money if I learned, would be helpful in the field I work in, and since I like a good user interface that it would be a great field for me. I haven’t finished it yet but I will send it to him.
• 

  Alan October 5, 2016

  You might be onto something with the education and all as that can make sense in terms of the reservation. Especially if he has grown up to believe that unless people have certain degrees then they will not be successful as an example.

  Actually, you mentioning about the making more money part could kind of fit in well with that puzzle too. This is probably not exactly the case, but I could imagine a situation where like mom and dad would forbid their child from being with an “uneducated” person because in their mind people like that can’t make a decent living to start a family. However, if that person found themselves creating like an extremely profitable business through hard work and determination where they are say making more money than the other person in question then that eliminates the reservation about the degree. This is assuming the education is it of course where one directly ties it with like financial success.

  My only other potential thought is he is trying to think of ways on how he can possibly integrate his life with yours to make it feasible in a realistic way. Otherwise it’s like he has a mindset where he has to greatly sacrifice something to be with you. I think an easier way that is non-confrontational to kind of find out if that is the reason is to engage in conversations on what it means to him for someone to be educated per se versus someone who isn’t. Maybe you have already, but I feel that way you can get to the nitty gritty.

  Like just as an example one person may say to them an education means the person will have more opportunities in life to create an ideal way of living to own the things they want such as a home and all. So there I would say it comes down more to how much money you make and can you get the things you need. Another person may say an education means they are more informed to take on the challenges in life now while being able to meet a diverse range of people which showed them you can do anything that you put your mind to it. So like there I would say it comes down more to do you have the positive outlook and direction in life where you have the confidence to constantly learn and grow through every phase and challenge?

  Because quite frankly too I don’t think you would get a direct honest answer by just bluntly asking if that is the reason one is holding themselves back to you. It turns it into an awkward pressured situation such as asking someone if they like your cooking where they will be inclined to just to say yes even if it is not true. Can you imagine there like someone saying “You are uneducated so you aren’t going to make a lot of money” or “you are uneducated so that means you won’t have any drive/direction in life.” I highly doubt one would where you have to learn that through passive means usually.

  P.S. You don’t necessarily need to learn coding to build a website.
• 

  Michelle October 6, 2016

  Alan,

  This is something I understand because my family is the same. That’s how I was raised to think and one of the things I look for in a guy.

  We decided to not talk for a month and that with that time questions would get answered. Yesterday we talked for several hours and the last night on video chat for about 4 hours. We talked about what we had learned from each other and the negatives. He said he would miss me a lot during this time and to contact him if anything important happened. I think this is to see if what kind of feelings we have and if it’s possible to stop talking. We’ve tried before but to no avail. Like I said we are different.. he is open minded and leaves things to chance and time. I am logical and like to have answers or plan as much possible. In this we’ve both seen that we need a little bit of both to have a balance.

  Do you think the one month is weird? I wonder if he wants to forget or simply needs space. I don’t want to lose him.
• 

  Alan October 7, 2016

  I don’t think the one month period is weird. People often say it takes like 21 to 30 days to form a habit. So from a relationship perspective it can make sense where right now maybe the mindset for the both of you is that you two are the only ones who can comfort each other conversation wise. So imagine within this 30 day period both of you put in the effort to seriously find another person where you found that you could easily transfer your attention to them now instead. So the sad thing there would mean the thing you thought that was super unique isn’t that unique if that makes sense.

  To me personally it still sounds like there is that one factor or whatever in play here. As a result I don’t think it’s space he wants but rather he is actually doing it logically to prove or disprove his theory/belief about you two being together even though it may not look that way. What you interpret as leaving things to chance and all I personally see it as like a constant technical analysis of the situation in his head. Like saying for a person like me you may think I am not doing anything by just sitting there and observing versus everyone else who is loudly talking and writing things out. But that is kind of misleading as I am probably doing just as much if not more analyzing than everyone else. In this case I would be like the guy where when they speak they feel they have the definite answer or solution.

  I can give you a personal example that is actually similar in many ways. There was a girl who I met before who was always down in life it seemed. She had been through some relationships and all. She eventually started to talk to me and I often encouraged her to be better. She would say things like I was the only one who was ever able to help her. I then noticed she started to pursue me for a relationship. However, in my mind this was an immediate no as she had a factor about her which I personally associate as being incompatible for a relationship. Despite that I still was supportive and such.

  She actually did eventually ask me if we could ever be a couple and I was pretty straight forward as I didn’t think it would work out due to many factors. Funny enough, in this case things like distance and travel were a factor too which I openly communicated to her. I encouraged her to meet people and that she could share whatever she wanted with me as I was there to support her.

  She kept coming back to me though in terms of pushing for a relationship. Eventually, it turned into a situation where we just kept talking to each other very closely. Although in my mind it still wouldn’t work out because of those factors. I essentially still encouraged her to meet other people and that in my mind if we were meant to be then it will happen.

  Like for me it wouldn’t be that I want to forget about it or need space. I just don’t see it working in the long run and that this could easily turn into a compromising position. Example, as unhappy as I may be where I don’t think this is the ideal fit just talking and being with a person for so long and closely will likely bring two people together. That’s not necessarily always a good thing here either as that can mean one person compromised something that was important to them where odds are it will just pop up in the future. Like there, it’s better to have a clear head where both people have their essential needs/wants where both people naturally want this relationship.

  That’s something to think about I feel. For example, when you say you don’t want to lose him do you mean that in the sense of being a couple only? Because what if theoretically you two tied the knot and secretly inside he was never fully happy? That’s a serious question too because I know even for person like me I could theoretically enter into a relationship without actually being 100% happy about it with enough persistence as it can be a struggle to want to make the other person happy versus my own happiness.

  Another way of putting it is I personally don’t think it is “normal” where if two people felt equal where the both of them were so perfect for each other that they wouldn’t do everything possible to be with each other. Granted nothing can ever truly be perfect as we are all human, but whatever that factor is that is stopping the person must be pretty big in their mind. I think that’s something you need to define for yourself in terms of what roles can you accept him for in your life too I feel.
• 

  Michelle October 7, 2016

  When I say lose him I mean lose the friendship. Since it has been positive for the both of us I would many want to lose it.

  Here are some things he said:

  “Yes I don’t want us to talk for sometime so that we get into friendzone and then we can start talking and meet if future has something interesting in store for us”

  “if it is good it will stay and if its not meant to happen it won’t – true real fact”

  we should refrain sending mails and all..or any contact for soemtime to retrospect and feel “friendly”.

  ” i am too much into work n all and moving here and there that it won’t justify to be on anything currently
  thats why saying to cut off talks for sometime..until we become normal and then we talk again”

  “I am gonna miss you and our talks about everything..it has been wonderful and i cherished evrything about it..i dont know what will happen after 1month but no matter what, il wish the best for u in life.keep smiling, work hard…”

  At this point if it is something about me that isn’t right for him then I have no control over that. Life does not stop and both career and personal goals are motivated by other things. Nothing stops for either of us. But I can’t get out of my head the last few minutes of our FaceTime. Because we kind of said goodbye but he stared at me for a while and would smile.. I didn’t have words it’s like we both wanted to hold on to that moment. He didn’t want to hang up and it was 4am at that point and 1am for me. But that look was different but I caught a lot of those when we would FaceTime but this one was profound. I may be analyzing too much but sometimes the eyes reveal more than a thousand words.
• 

  Alan October 8, 2016

  With what you wrote the only way I can really see you losing the friendship is if either of you are actively pushing the relationship in a direction that one does not want or is not ready to take. By the sounds of it you two have the chemistry and all. For whatever reason he doesn’t want to dive into a certain boundary. Think of it this way in terms of talking to each other again and such. Let’s pretend you are a photographer and he is a videographer. Despite you two saying no talking for thirty days something in life came up where a once in a lifetime career building opportunity arose where the two of you working together would be perfect as you both wanted this. Would the both of you not be legitimately excited to work together from a personal and professional standpoint? To me that builds like the relationship too and fits the mentality of if it was meant to be it will happen.

  Now let’s think of it in a different way. An opportunity came up where he could do the job but it wasn’t exactly ideal for him. However, you thought this would be a good way to get to spend time with him to get closer with him. So you then try and convince him to do this project with you even though he has reservations about it. Like there I would be inclined to say you would be damaging the relationship to the point where you can lose it as you are pressuring him to do something he is not entirely positive about in a natural way.

  With that in mind, if I was to read through those words you said he wrote with the situation so far my interpretation would be that in virtually every line he was expressing how your time and interaction together is basically serving one purpose per se. It brings you two closer to a couple’s type of relationship which in his mind isn’t appropriate for the situation. Although it is probably very tempting as there are a lot of other things that feels right to him.

  Even though that may be technically true that the work keeps him busy and such, who in the world would not want like their dream person or whatever to be by their side if possible? So to me if anything it’s more of a legitimate technical excuse of sorts. Unless you are saying he has had discussions with you to see if that is even feasible which you say denied.

  What if your FaceTime moment was like this as an example. The foundation is the same where he doesn’t see this relationship working in the long run. To clarify too that factor can be anything. Example, it can be one of you are vegetarian and the other is a meat eater where for him that lifestyle choice signifies ethics. Things like that are technically changeable too in a sense with time for many people.

  Despite that he finds you insanely attractive in various ways which pulls him to you like a magnet. He kind of pushed the limits with you though as you say where you didn’t want to share such deep intimate thoughts with people who you are not officially attached to. In many ways it would be no different I feel where if we were to just use the common physical attraction scenarios again it can be like the guy staring at the girl in a sexual way even though for whatever reason he feels it wouldn’t actually work in reality. So when the girl then says “Hey stop looking” his only real choice in his mind is to just avoid her completely as he knows he will just continue to stare again due to his self-control which she clearly said no to.

  To me personally even with that example the fundamentals are the same in terms of how to keep or build the relationship. Like there if you were to ask the guy to hang out I wouldn’t doubt he would just say like “Oh, I have work” or something like that based on what happened. If there was an actual legitimate life reason for the both of you to naturally be together though while putting emotions aside then that changes everything.

  With what you wrote too I don’t see what there is to be afraid of if you feel the bond you two have is genuine where you can live your life and he lives his. As long as neither of you are closing access to each other in the sense of your number is now blocked sort of deal. Unless I am mistaken he even told you to show him some work when you were done. So that sounds like he wanted to find ways to stay engaged with your life at least. That is just as good as talking from a connection standpoint.
• 

  Michelle October 8, 2016

  In regards to the work thing he is spending 3 weeks in Germany on a work project. So as of yesterday we are on completely different time schedules. We have talked about hanging out before and what we would do. We both love to talk to each other and cook so we had decided on activities that involved both. It hasn’t been dismissed but it is something that we planned for later on. I know that when people want to be with each other they’ll do anything but I also believe timing is important. I would love to be with him but I also strongly feel that we can’t just jump into things. I don’t mind taking the time to know him but what scared me was doing that in vain.

  He’s is waiting on my project and the last day we talked I told him I was almost done and that when the month was over I would show him.
  He told me to email him if it was done before then or if anything important happened. For some reason he was really excited about the project though lol

  “Are you serious? F yes
  So make sure that when I go to your website I should get to know everything about you by pictures and text
  Also user friendly
  But yeah I am SUPER HAPPY”

  We talk about a lot and we usually just discuss different courses we are taking and obviously he is a lot more advanced but likes to show me what he does or get my opinions.

  But in the end, although these past days have been tough I’m glad we did this. I’ve analyzed myself and my reactions to him and I think that I have been critical and have had unrealistic expectations given our circumstances at the moment. I haven’t allowed myself to fully enjoy our friendship because I had this ideal of what I needed us to be. I was always worried I was would get hurt or used. One night I questioned all his motives and even told him he didn’t genuinely care about me. I think this may have caused him to step back. I was pushing to be something that we aren’t ready for yet it just has to happen on its own. This is something he is always talking about and I saw is emotional honesty as something negative or rejection. And I am like this with other people in my life but for some reason I had never fully understood why people got mad at me. I mal interpret honesty, set high expectations for myself and others. I over analyze or stress minor details. That’s the difference between us, he always understood this about me. I claimed to understand his thinking but I didn’t until now. Looking at the root of each emotions and reactions to us not talking helped my understand myself and why it maybe he feels the need to have some space.

  I’ll continue to respect his space and the one month and hopefully once we discuss we can be on the same page. I think we both complement each other and that’s why it was always so intriguing to simply talk to one another.
• 

  Michelle October 8, 2016

  One last thing: The whole working together scenario you mentioned reminded me of something he said the other day.

  We were discussing the project and he said that once I got the back end or basics that he would support me with all the other parts of development and then Id be ready for a software dev position at the company I work at currently or another.
• 

  Alan October 8, 2016

  I would say the foggy part for me in what you wrote is combining the two thoughts on how you would be afraid of doing this in vain combined with above where you clarified to me that it’s the friendship you don’t want to lose. So when you talk about things like pushing for something you are not ready for yet unless I am mistaken in that context you mean like a couple’s relationship correct?

  If I am interpreting this correctly he wasn’t pushing for a couple’s relationship at all but instead is trying to enjoy your company/presence in his life. Granted there were some stuff that you feel is crossing the boundary, I’ll dub that as a “friend” for now even though it sounds like he is dreaming for more. So if he isn’t pushing for a relationship and you are solely content in just maintaining a friendship too why would you need to be concerned about anything in the sense of losing him as a friend? As an exaggeration, if you talk to him just once a year can he still not just be the friend per se in your mind? Why would you fear that getting to know him would be in vain? Goes back to the point before about clearly defining the role you are expecting him to play in your life.

  As I read your other comment about telling him that you don`t think he genuinely cares for you I think for virtually every type of relationship whether it be for friendship or as a couple if there is no trust then there is no relationship. So then I would ask you, as this has nothing to do with him per se, why are you even entertaining the possibility of him being in your life if you don’t trust him? What were you in a sense trying to prove to yourself in the big picture by doing that per se?

  The other part that isn’t clear to me was about recognizing if people truly wanted to be with each other then they would do anything along with you personally feeling that you can’t just jump into things. Again, unless I am reading stuff wrong here he sounds like he is taking things super slow at a distance due to his uncertainties whereas you wanted to see certain things right away to demonstrate care and all. So if you agree things take time to see and all then there should be no issue or concern at the moment correct? Especially if you are content with just the friendship part. Or did I get this wrong where you are like saying he is the one that was requesting this to be an official relationship where you told him no?

  The parts about your project and his eagerness makes sense in terms of him wanting to be attached in your life I say. That can be good or bad depending on how you view and feel about the relationship. Example, are you confident about your trust and connection with him where you would want him to be attached with your life through your work in a sense? Because to me it is coming across as he is taking a rather strong initiative to put himself in your life this way. At minimum this would tell me again that there shouldn’t even be any fear of like losing him as a person at this rate. It feels like it is more about your mindset, wants and needs to accept or reject what he gives you and how you view him in your life at this moment in time.

  I personally don’t feel there is anything wrong with having high expectations or standards as they say. I would think the only conflict is if you expect everyone to be a certain way as opposed to them being who they naturally are. It would be wise to understand exactly why you have say these high standards too which may not be an easy task for some as this often goes into the category of one’s personal fears and insecurities in life.

  When you think about it he is kind of setting high expectations for you too based on all those comments you shared. The main difference I would imagine is how he approaches it in a sense of you are who you are and so he will appreciate you for that. If you happen to grow into a certain way that fits with him in other aspects in life then he will entertain that possibility. Sounds like you are trying to do some self-discovery and evaluation too so maybe this cooldown time is a blessing in disguise.
• 

  Michelle October 9, 2016

  – To clear up the foggy part, if one of us wants something the other one doesn’t, then we shouldn’t talk until we can be on the same page. I know we both want to communicate and be in each other’s lives but we want to be on the same page. Otherwise one of us will get hurt and the other person will feel bad because we are both sensitive and just nice people.

  – No, he always expressed that he isn’t stable because at the moment he is solely working on his career and there are endless opportunities with the company he works for. His goals are to start a company, buy a house, marry all within the next 3-4 years. But first career and go with the flow in everything else. Although he expressed that he didn’t want a relationship right now, in my eyes his actions were different. Constantly pursuing me and wanting to know more about me each day. Asking me what my dreams and ambitions were and what I wanted out of life. What kind of man I wanted to marry, marriage in general, kids, his parents, etc. He always says that he didn’t want to meet yet because he knew he would be all in and that because he would possibly leave soon he didn’t want to start something he couldn’t finish and hurt me.

  – I didn’t doubt the trust until he left for NY and pushed me away then a week later was seeking me like nothing had happened. I felt like he was playing with my emotions. Once I questioned he got like upset and said that I was being negative.

  – It is about my mindset, wants and needs but they should also align with his. Not long ago I told him that maybe it would be best if we were strictly friends because of how much we were attracted in many ways to each other but couldn’t be in a serious relationship at the moment. He was visibly upset, this was during facetime and all he did was hide his face from me. After an hour or two of talking the “just friends” idea was forgotten and we were really happy talking like we had been.

  – I know he has high expectations. They just too clear and he doesn’t discuss them. All he said is he wants to have a connection with that person and talk freely about everything, be himself and comfortable, she must be ambitious, family oriented and educated. He probably does appreciate that I am who I am, as I do with him. For the second part yeah and hopefully he will grow into a way that he can fit into my life then I’ll want more. It isn’t just about what he wants at this point since my needs are becoming more clear to me. I don’t want more now; I do want more eventually because how great our chemistry is and just how much we enjoy one another. The right thing was to take some time off from each other to create that friendship boundary otherwise we will continue to indulge and bond then it will be hard to stop.

  So, I would love to end up dating him and getting to know so much more. But I feel I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now. I am not ready for it because there are things I want to accomplish; it would be unfair for me to expect things from a man that I don’t offer. I can’t expect him to have a degree if I don’t, just be ambitious and want more in life if I don’t. This is me being real about my circumstances and emotion because obviously when he pushed me away I freaked. No one likes to feel rejected. Even if he asked me right now to start something serious I would think about. I know it seems contradicting because I mean here I am dissecting this whole situation. We have connected in ways I never even knew were possible I’d never experienced anything like it. I think he’s weird but incredibly charming and this experience has shown me parts me of myself I hadn’t seen.
• 

  Alan October 10, 2016

  When you just mentioned that you two never actually met and he said he didn’t want to as he would be all-in that honestly makes me a little concerned. I thought this was more you met online at like a dating site or something, met like once or twice in-person and then because of like the schedules and all you had to then opt for like phone calls and video chats. Without getting too into that part though I hope you were actually able to say at least verify the details he has told you about him and what he is up to.

  It kind of makes me feel that things like this project and all is actually more integral to this relationship than it should be. It’s a personal prerogative of course as people treat relationships differently, but to me with those factors it doesn’t quite add up to like someone who is like say in love with the other where the sole problem is there is literally like a physical wall between them that is stopping the two from being together. You can replace the wall metaphor with things like money, career, etc.

  It would kind of go back to your original question too as to why he was potentially devoting so much time with you. In my view, it would be related to the ambitions that he has in life. I think the most typical example is like say someone who wants a house but they can’t do it themselves. For whatever reason having a house is a big deal for them. So therefore they want a person who would help them with that goal. Again, in saying that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with that as everyone has different perspectives on what a relationship should be of course. But in my personal opinion if we are having this discussion to unravel intent such as if the person truly loves you while wanting to be with you and all to me personally that “house” is playing too big of a factor.

  I definitely agree with the notion that people need to be on the same page. Unless I am confusing again though for him he states he wants to be friends because he is like unstable or whatever. For you, to my knowledge you just want to maintain a friendship too. So that would be the confusing part as in that case you both want the same thing as of now and it’s not like you are fighting for a couple’s relationship and nor is he. So in context to the comment about having a fear of losing the person in your life basically to make sure there should be zero fears at the moment. Basically no need to stress the mind in that sense. I am assuming too to my understanding that regardless if he is a friend or lover in your life you want him in your life at this point.

  That’s good too that you try to look at things realistically in a fair way. The thought I would add again, since you mentioned it is something you placed on others in your life in terms of things like expectation where people get mad, is that everyone is different where their gifts and skills may actually be the same thing you are ultimately looking for if you break it down. It’s just hard to actually see it unless you invest the time to in a sense wear their shoes for a day.
• 

  Michelle October 10, 2016

  Sometimes I wonder if he ever even moved to NY. Because he didn’t sell his place and said he’d be traveling back and forth because of meetings. I wonder if he’s even in Germany right now too. He for sure works with where he says because I know the company well.

  I almost hope he didn’t so I can just forget about all of it, that would be the easiest way for me.
• 

  Alan October 10, 2016

  I would imagine verifying details about the travelling to like Germany should be super easy and straight forward if you know the company well as you say. That’s assuming you actually know people, aside from him, who work there and should be able to verify that pretty quickly if that is something that is bugging you.

  Although, honestly I would probably only suggest that if you are confident in approaching all of this with like a professional mindset as opposed to an emotional one. It’s almost like doing very basic research of people you are interested in working with professionally as if you are the human resource department. Because by the sounds of it too that’s what he wants to do in many ways in terms of being involved with you in your work.

  So that starts with you first I feel based on the situation to place him entirely in like the “friend” category in every way. In my opinion too, I wouldn’t forget about any of this in the sense of if you say you want this person in your life, regardless of the type of relationship it is, then every interaction you have had with him so far is like a relevant chapter between you two to determine if you would like to go deeper. I think it’s more about having the right mindset to truly accept what it is at the moment and approaching it without any pre-conceived notions as to how it must unravel. As you implied too, it’s all these experiences that help you to build yourself in life to grow.
• 

  Michelle October 11, 2016

  Thank you for your time and dedication in discussing all of this. He e-mailed me yesterday and told he really missed our conversations and that it’s been very hard not to call me or see me these past couple of days. I told him it was the same for me but that it’s been good. We want to stick to the plan and he said he’d really like to know at the month mark how I feel and how I have felt during all of this.

  It was really nice to hear from him thought and it kind it brought clarity and acceptance. He said he knows he doesn’t make sense sometimes and that it’s hard for anyone to understand. That Sometimes it’s just hard for him to convey things or express himself. That’s not my fault at all and that I’m a clean soul. (whatever that means)

  But he did make it clear: “I push you to talk to others so that you can find a nice person for yourself in future coz I still think you deserve much better than me. Coz you are too pure and good soul but not that good lol. I am good as well, but you are just +1. No one can push you and I wanted to do so that you don’t get really close to me since I have no plans of settling down and I don’t want you to wait/XYZ.”

  So with that I completely agree with that last part that you said. It’s kind of rough to accept and it will take time. It’s refreshing somehow and it will be enough to be in contact with him and maintain a distant friendship.
• 

  Michelle October 12, 2016

  Update: After that mail I simply said that he didn’t need to worry me getting too close because I didn’t have those kind of feelings for him and that I never intended on waiting for him. I told him I wanted someone who would want to be with me and that I didn’t have plans of settling soon either. Then I just asked about his work and unrelated topics. He didn’t respond then I told him to take care and talk to you in a month. He responded and said that he was honoring the time off. Several hours later he says he’s in NY, pretty much implying that he wants to talk. I said “welcome back” and then he started texting me. He wanted to talk but told me that if I felt we shouldn’t then to let him know and he’d back off.

  We ended up Facetiming for four hours last night. Unexpectedly, he had clarity and told me that the whole reason of this time off is to confirm or prove feelings/define us. That in the end of the month we will know if we simply can stand to be “away” from each other because of habit or because we truly have feelings for one another. This is something I suspected and I told him I understood completely. He was happy and I was too because it’s nice for him to have clarity. So, he said he knew he was getting older and didn’t want to waste more time and that if we are both on the same page and still have the same feelings at the end then we should start dating and figure things out.

  We talked about everything as usual and it was perfect. I could see how calm and happy he was and I felt the exact same way. The great thing about the distance is that although we are physically attracted to each other and have sexual chemistry, we are completely satisfied with our conversations. It is incredibly fulfilling and he says he loves that about us. So we talked this morning for and hour and said that he had missed me so much but he wants us to be sure of what we feel before going forward and said goodbye until next month.

  Hopefully we are on the same page for either outcome, and I really hope that there isn’t one of use that disagrees. For some reason I truly believe we will both reach a consensus that will make us both happy.
• 

  Alan October 13, 2016

  The timeline is confusing me a bit as I thought he was supposed to be in like Germany for three weeks when you mentioned it. And to make sure you guys already established the 30 day break and he just e-mailed before this expired correct? Judging by your most recent comment though it sounds like the 30 days is starting now.

  Because one thing I would personally keep in mind is when you asked about his work it sounds like he completely dodged it by using the time off reasoning yet he continued to talk about your relationship with him afterwards. The speech with that type of action would often say to me that something is wrong here.

  Personally speaking, in many ways it gives me the feeling of the not entirely honest approach where one uses flattery and self-pity comments to win trust in a sense. I guess an unrelated example would be like someone taking something from another where when doubts are raised and they think the cover is blown they then talk about how life is hard where they don’t want to drag you into it and so they are say leaving. Not saying that is necessarily happening here, as I don’t know all the technical details, but in the sense of the something isn’t right feeling it’s what I personally get from what you wrote at the moment.

  Again though, taking it one day at a time for what it is as opposed to psyching yourself out emotionally is the way to go I feel still.
• 

  Michelle October 25, 2016

  The timeline was just as confusing for me. Yes, he was supposedly in Germany but traveled back to our state. I decided to just ask him if he had really ever left and he immediately responded by saying that it feels like he never left because we continued to have communication. He didn’t necessarily dodge the question when I asked him about his work, all I said was that it sucked that he didn’t like Berlin and he texted me soon after.

  To update, after that night we spoke over face time for 4 hours and he seemed excited to see me again after a week. He told me that he wanted to figure out if he really had genuine feelings and if I did too. If we were on the same page at the end of the month then we would start dating. We both agreed, filled each other in on our lives, then stop talking for another week. After that week ended I told him that there should be an easier way to find out our feelings and that we should just meet for coffee before he left to Berlin that weekend. He agreed and told me why I hadn’t mentioned it before. Then he asked me what I’d do if I didn’t like him. Which was weird to me and I just told him that my attraction to him was much more than physical. That week he said he had a lot of meetings with managers to decide where he’d finally stay. He expressed that he did not like being back and forth and that he preferred to be in on spot. The day of his meeting he told me that his manager offered him a leadership role in Berlin and that he’d be there for 5 months. Said he was sad and that he didn’t want to leave and that it would be the end for us. YES THE END, right after he had told me we’d hang out and that we would date if we both had genuine feelings. I did not seeing it coming even though I should have. I was devastated to be honest, I got angry and we spoke for about 3 hours and he just told me to go off and say what was in my head. All he’d say was that he was sorry and that he just couldn’t do a long distance relationship that he had done it before and it never worked out. I wanted the chance; I have to try things to know. He said that he didn’t want to hurt me more than he already had. Late that night we video chat and I could not say anything because I was said. He seemed sad almost in tears but also just wanted to talk. He said all these nice things as if he was buttering me up to soften the blow. The next day we argued and I told him that he had probably never left and was in relationship with someone else. I told him that none of his actions or words made sense that he was constantly contradicting himself. The arguing eventually pissed him off and he said he wanted to end things on a good note and that he did not want to talk anymore. So I sent him a voice note with my goodbye. I expressed what I felt for him and how he had made me feel, I thanked him for everything and wished him well. I don’t know how I did it as it is not my nature but it is hard to tell him to f*** off if I don’t have proof of anything and since he is never rude. He replied with his own and didn’t say anything special other than someday we’d probably meet and that it was necessarily a goodbye since we don’t know what could happen but that he would not be contacting me. He wished me well, told me I was awesome, that what we had was great and goodbye. I waited until the next day to hear it because I was almost scared to hear something that would make me feel sad. His tone seemed so nonchalant, as if he was happy to be saying goodbye to me. I smiled and felt calm when I heard it even though it seemed as if he didn’t care.

  This is hard because I have to know everything. I am a curious over analyzing person and when things don’t add up I won’t sleep until I solve things. I have no solution, there is a lot unknown and I could probably just variables of XYZ that can be a million things. Is it really the long distance excuse? Did he ever really leave? Is he gay? Am I just not his type? I cannot get past this because I something is off and I feel like he is lying. But why waste hours talking to someone each day? We all the support and genuine interest in everything I had to say? What did he gain if we never were physically intimate? If I am going off a gut feeling I find it hard to believe that he didn’t have feelings for me. I can be emotional and stubborn but I have always known deep inside when a man didn’t care for me. I always felt he did though, maybe I liked him so much that I made myself believe that he was. But again, he insisted on talking and he insisted on breaking down my walls. The whole situation is a mystery and he hasn’t contacted me in about a week now. I did email him last night but I didn’t get an answer.
• 

  Alan October 26, 2016

  It feels like the stuff I wrote above makes sense with this still even though you are expressing you can’t figure it out. So what I am going to write is purely hypothetical based on some of the details you wrote to me as I am not personally there to know all the technical details. So keep in mind I am writing this to hopefully open your mind in a way to fully realize the underlying point on how this guy doesn’t sound like he really wants you in a relationship way for whatever reason and so you need to accept it for what it is in my view.

  I would imagine a situation where he is a very career oriented person where for him things like money and career equals respect and major social status which he really wants in a sense. Therefore, one of his missions in life is to find ways to help him with this goal, which he isn’t doing as good as he wants in a way where he can brag to people as an example. Since you mentioned websites here let’s pretend you are a graphic designer and he is a programmer. One of his professional goals is say creating an online store as it would be a good backup if no other good opportunities come up in life. However, he doesn’t have like the design or marketing skills.

  When he met you and discovered that you were a designer that is a positive in wanting to build a relationship with you of sort as you are like a potential opportunity to help him realize his dreams in that way. At the same time he wants a relationship of sort too. However, there is a big factor here such as he just isn’t that into you per se. At the same time, he isn’t doing that well as he portrays himself to be and so many details he tells you are to simply keep you moving along.

  As a result of not being that into you but wanting to maintain the relationship just in case you do end up as the person that can help him in his career he continues with the act while pushing you to do various website stuff. Because if you can do this then this is exciting as to him you truly do have all the skills and such to potentially help him realize his dreams too if he say partnered up with you somehow.

  Now for you it’s all about a potential real relationship so you want to meet. Not for him though as he still wants to assess everything on whether or not you are the one that can help him elevate his career. Therefore, he makes excuses whenever you two try to meet as he doesn’t want to reveal these details and getting personal with you in an in-person way and all makes it very hard for him in a politically correct way to dump you to the curve if it in the end it turns out he doesn’t need you after all. Things like the too busy excuse is the easy way to do it.

  He needs to see if you can like say create sites and make it a success and so he needs to see the proof. Like saying, even if he isn’t that into you it’s worth the “compromise” to be with you as it helps him achieve a big goal he wants. Now often times during these periods there seemed to be potentially better options for him in terms of a woman or something else that can better help him with his goals and desires. Therefore, you are just an afterthought.

  By spending time with you too he is understanding what you want while in a sense still getting an “emotional high” that many people often get from having like intimate conversation with another. It’s strategic in the sense where if you made that website a hit and all and he sees a great opportunity for him too then he knows exactly what to do to jump in relationship wise to convince you he is he one. At the same time, it is setup in a distant enough way at the moment where politically speaking he can “end this relationship” without looking like a jerk if you don’t end up being like the good website maker. Or, if it turns out he doesn’t think you have like the skills to do it he will just hope that you blow up instead emotionally so then he can say it was all you going nuts on him.

  Again, this is just a hypothetical example to hopefully help steer you on the right track in terms of the mindset you need I feel. For example, why even e-mail him for more answers at the moment? If he isn’t being honest what makes you think asking him directly will result in honest answers? That’s one of the points I often say too when I write here where some use things like deep intuitive senses and all for good and some bad. So base it on the facts and not entirely on what you feel emotionally or hope for in a benefit of the doubt way. Even like I mentioned before from my experience people who sound like they are the exact same as myself in terms of mannerism and such can turn out to be the most manipulative people as the values are different.

  So like for myself in this case while granted not everyone is exactly like me, I can tell you from my personal experience and the amount of time and energy I spend analyzing people this guy’s action so far with what you wrote doesn’t match up with a guy who is super into you while being honest in a raw way. Again, I don’t know the exact technical details here but the signs all point to you needing to see it for what it is where it doesn’t seem like this guy really wants you in that loving way so far.

  I feel if you can reach that point then after you can do the simple fact checking in a rational way about him if you so desire for answers in that sense.
• 

  Michelle November 14, 2016

  He parents want to arrange and approve the person he dates an marries. He says his parents won’t approve of me because I am a single parent. We met to say goodbye and had dinner.. It was perfect. He wrote me a poem and sent it to me after I got into my car to leave.

  So, that was the mystery and reason we could not go forward. He always knew that his parents had to approve of who he dated but didn’t tell me, he also never left to NY or Germany and after I got incredibly angry he didn’t admit to it. It’s still hard to understand because even though he told me to talk to other people when I mentioned a guy I was going to hang out with he got so upset he started crying. A lot of positive things that he said about me that I know are true but it sometimes felt like he was trying to soften the blow. Honestly, this whole situation was major BS.
• 

  Alan November 15, 2016

  I would imagine if you are super analytical all that information you have should make sense. If anything I would think this is more of like an emotional hurdle for you of sorts as by the sounds of it you have all the facts to make a conclusion despite all the fog he threw out.

  The child factor can be a big deal for many as an example and it makes perfect sense to me anyways in correlation to pushing you to do well in the career as everything still feels the same in essence. This is just my personal opinion of course, but I would be inclined to say despite the rhetoric about the parents approval and all it would sound like to me again this whole situation was like a trying to balance out the “unsureness” to him where the positive will extremely outweigh it where it is worth it. Pretty sure if you were like the leader in your country for example this whole jargon about the parent’s approval would be a non-factor.

  Maybe use it as a learning experience for example where before opening your heart to a person they must be able to genuinely accept your life as is.
• 

  Michelle November 15, 2016

  I understand that you read this all and try to respond in a helpful way, but it seems like this always comes back to me being at fault. Everyone else I have explained and mentioned to has understood both sides but you.

  After the first two days of non stop talking I told him about my daughter. I also very low key asked him about his parents and if they believed in arranged marriages and same for him. He said they were very cool and since they have lived in Europe they are open minded and that for him me having a child was not an issue. He made it clear it wasn’t.

  This situation is both our fault but he know all along about his parents and did not mention it.. the importance of them approving of someone he dated and married. For months he put up lies and convince me otherwise so don’t give me that bullshit that “maybe you shouldn’t open up your heart bla bla bla”. There’s a lot of details of talks and interactions you don’t know and the only thing I should of done is not deal with such wishy washy personality. Coward is what comes to mind because if everything he said was true then he should have talked to his parents, if he didn’t mean it then he shouldn’t have wasted all this time talking and making me feel special. We never had sex so none of that was ever a motivation.

  Your advice is biased and pretty shitty to be honest because all sounds Like you are blaming the non Pisces. There are two people in relationships and in the end both are at fault.
• 

  Sally November 16, 2016

  Hi Michelle,
  I read your question and felt for your situation.i wouldn’t blame you if you are angry at everything that’s happened.

  To me, what Alan has said comes across as beware who you trust with your heart.
  Because you shouldn’t be treated like this. Being misled etc. That’s always good life advice I think.

  Your story helped me see a little mire clearly with something else I’ve dealt with in my own life. As have Alan’s responses.

  So thankyou very much to both of you.

  I hope things start to look better for you soon. I feel for you in your hurt.
• 

  Alan November 16, 2016

  Interestingly enough, my writing for you isn’t to place the blame on anyone per se. Instead I am giving you my honest analysis of the psychology and actions to the person you are questioning. Now what you do with that information is your own prerogative of course and my personal suggestion as you may be able to tell is to in a sense “move on” as opposed to spending your energy trying to change the situation per se. Again, that is your prerogative.

  It’s kind of odd that you state I am “bias” and “blaming the non Pisces” as you put it. Are you selectively ignoring as an example on how I wrote you things such as “this guy’s action so far with what you wrote doesn’t match up with a guy who is super into you while being honest in a raw way.” How is that blaming a person like you? If anything if I was to take the extreme side I would be telling you to “run, run now”. Combine that even with my last quote of “Maybe use it as a learning experience for example where before opening your heart to a person they must be able to genuinely accept your life as is.” Does that really sound like blaming or me trying to advise you on what I personally feel is the most productive course of action? Again, it’s your prerogative though.

  What I will say is the underlying point in these situations for almost every aspect of life is that it does come back to you in terms of how you react to the situation with what you have. That’s not “blaming” in the sense of like you were the one to start the fire. Cause quite frankly even with everything I wrote I am giving you a breakdown to my knowledge on how he is potentially “playing” the situation. It takes two to tango but it’s your choice if you want to keep going on the dance floor with all the information that you have personally obtained with your own due diligence and the perspective of a third party. Hence, you do have control over that at this point and that is really the only closest thing to a “blaming” I can think if you want to take the extreme negative route here while ignoring everything in context.

  Think about it too. You write “For months he put up lies and convince me otherwise.” Now think of that quote while you re-read my comments for you. Are you telling me everything I wrote above was not me essentially saying the same thing in many ways? Again, with quotes like me saying how things don’t add up? What does that mean to you when a person says that?

  With you saying “so don’t give me that bullshit that maybe you shouldn’t open up your heart bla bla bla.” By the sounds of it you agree that he has lied to you a lot and I have been essentially in essence saying the same such as suggesting you fact check stuff and take the romance out of it. I mean again, it’s your prerogative if despite this for some reason you still want to pursue him. That’s not my decision to make. If it’s “bullshit” to suggest to a person, which would be you in this case, to use this as a learning experience to hopefully prevent this from happening again then that is simply something that is beyond me personally. To me personally it would be so wrong, based on the facts you gave, to give like a fantasy answer in like encouraging you to say stick with him where say all signs point that he is the one for you.

  Although honestly, based on your remarks just now I personally don’t think you are reading what I wrote with a clear head as you seem to be interpreting everything extremely negative out of anger. I understand if that is the case.
• 

  Michelle November 16, 2016

  You are right, I am just really upset about it all. I haven’t been in a relationship for almost 4 years now. I have talked and gotten to know people but he was the first person I opened up to. Mostly because all the other guys I had talked to wanted to do everything fast or just wanted something physical. I used those two reasons to compare him to the guys I have talked to/dated in the past and since he wasn’t rushing me in those ways I thought it would be safe to open up. He constantly pushed me to open up and always told me to “talk” more and communicate whatever was in my head. So I slowly opened up and I had never shared so much with a person.

  The lesson learned here Alan is similar to what I learned with my last relationship. Last time I gave too much physically to someone who did not value who I was or want a serious relationship. This time I gave too much emotionally and mentally to someone who didn’t want a relationship with me. I am always eager to give thinking that if I do then I will get what I want, which is a loving relationship. I have a lot to learn but again thanks for all the input and for being honest. Sometimes we choose to see/hear things and analyze them from a different perspective then blame others.