When a Pisces thinks you arent ready for a relationship

Jessica Asks:

Hi Alan

I have a (long) question about a Pisces male – we have been involved for nearly a decade on and off but only really anything of substance and real for the past 12 months (prior was more purely physical and he had some evolving to do from the darker side of Pisces and age). We seem to have a rather complicated history but there is something there that neither of us will ever remove ourselves from though we probably should. We seem to have a big case of when one is ready the other isnt and one pushes the other away then switches or one has too much to deal with such as being out of work, or family issues which create a form of un-readiness at the moment the other is ready – life stuff noone can do anything about. I believe he is searching for a level of perfection that doesnt exist or becomes disillusioned with the fantasy (of me) once the person becomes real and human.

He is definitely of the mindset to go into something firing on all cylinders as the r/l starts so it has the best chance of success. I’m a little more of the mindset of supporting both as you go and grow together and have each others backs. Just recently we gave it our best shot yet but it didn’t work for whatever reason and he pulled right back. He is not one to be very upfront verbally or in his actions so it is like a constant guessing game trying to work out where he is in his head. It’s like he creates the action a woman looks to see form a man but then always does something really strange last minute combined with that action that creates doubt. Like the action is always surrounded in mystery and layers covering the intention. His constant evasiveness and guessing games (or really just the way he is) drive me to a place of craziness where I appear needy or react but its more than any person can take when their heart is involved but that neediness drives him away and makes him think im not ready and in his mind he just thinks I shouldn’t care that he acts the way and just get on with my own things . He has admitted he knows his mind is always in fantasy and he doesnt give straight answers etc and he is trying to change to a degree with certain things in life.

As an example a few months ago he moved countries to the same city as me and then never called me to see me when he arrived as he was stressed with work and couldnt give me a straight answer why and had me guessing and pleading why he wasnt contacting me where I told him to never contact me again as it hurt me so much. He said ‘we weren’t in a relationship so he didnt owe me anything” though we discussed in the months prior us working towards the goal of or even being in a relationship when he came -and he was choosing moving to my city over one he prefers in my country as i live there. He went back home immediately as he had nowhere to live even though he declined to move in with me last minute out of pride with no job after we had discussed for months him moving in and us being together – so its like the action was there but then he made it look like he wasnt interested when he had done something huge like moving to me. This has gone on further like this in varying degrees but the back end of the situation is always something similar.

Anyway apparently my needy behavior both these times drove him to a point where he sees me not ready for a relationship and with other issues in my life he thinks I have too much “baggage” and has shut the door on us romantically – but really it’s like his constant confusing behavior is more of my baggage that anything else as it always breaks my heart so much watching him slip through my fingers. He said to me the other day that he thinks its beyond his luck in life that a pretty woman would be single and available at the right time without “baggage”. He wont shut the door on me though and really opened up to me of late telling me deeply personal things I know he wouldnt tell many. I feel closer to him than ever ironically and it makes me love him more as a person knowing his struggles (similar to mine) and he tells me how much he wants to find “the love” but its right there n front of him yet he wont accept it from me and it hurts so much. He is always available to me to talk immediately and he said he sees good things in me and that I will flourish when my family problem reveals itself but he shuts himself off to love from me in the now and wont talk about the future even though no matter how many times he thinks he is done he returns or never disappears even though he should like he cant shut himself off completely from me.

I am just not sure what to do from here – do I cut this off completely for my own sanity or do i keep showing the love and support as a friend I know he needs in his life I feel for him. It would be really hard to cut it off as I love him so much deep down but if he is in the mindset of someone else must be better for him in the now then how can I watch that and pretend it doesnt break my heart even though logically I have to look at it the same way also as clearly he is not for me either now and it just doesnt ever seem to come together. If a Pisces has decided you arent “the one” (at least for now) which is my gut feeling how it is do they think you could be “the one” later or is he sort of saying to me there is love there but not “the one” love. I feel I should walk away for my sanity to find someone who does think Im the one but I dont want to stop loving him and caring for him ever as he is so important to me and my life. Any assistance you could provide would be great.

J

Jessica,

Your letter has a two part question to it. Let’s first try and tackle the relationship as is. While your story sounds complicated it seems kind of simple to me in the overall picture. My thought would be that he has a desire for you to cater and adore him in the sense that he is like say a celebrity of some sort that people go gaga over. Basically it comes down to confidence in himself as I would be inclined to say he doesn’t get these types of feelings much on a daily basis. Unfortunately for you in a sense since you are kind of close with him he is using you as that source of emotion.

The easy way to think about it is why do family members feel more at ease in yelling, screaming or cussing words at each other? Whereas if you put them in-front of casual acquaintances they would never dare to show that side? Because to some extent for many they know family is there “forever.” So one could be yelling and cussing at each other because of things such as they take the relationship for granted since family is supposed to always be there anyways or that this type of relationship is meant for you to vent things out.

Based on what you wrote I don’t think he is doing it maliciously. He just sounds very “immature“ emotionally per se where he hasn’t really developed into the person he needs to be. At the same time he is taking the relationship for granted in many ways. To me that would kind of make sense with all of the actions such as moving close to you only to then say things like you are too needy or whatever. Because ultimately he does want that attention and level of control in you I feel to help fill in the insecurities about himself.

For you I would sit down long and hard to think if this is the right relationship for you. Because in some ways I feel maybe you are sticking at it more out of habit. I don’t doubt the feelings and personal connection you feel for him of course as I know when you say relate with someone that bond can seem like it was just meant to happen. But we all must think things through rationally too.

Now to answer your question on how I would approach someone who I don’t feel is “the one” as of yet it really depends on one’s life experience. I can give you a personal example. There was one person who really wanted to establish a relationship with me but based on analysis I originally deemed it as not a match. Her values just didn’t seem to match with mine. However, because she seemed to be going through so much distress I essentially became involved in her life.

Throughout this time she would constantly try to push for a relationship. In my mind though she truly wasn’t the one even though there were some personality aspects I liked about her. Ultimately though I felt guilty with all the stuff she was saying where I “could” be in a relationship with her as she seemed so depressed without having a person in her life that way. So, I actually did enter into a relationship with her. Keep in mind I still didn’t think she was the one at all. But in my mind I figured that I could “learn” to love her in that deep way as some people say you can learn to love anyone.

In many ways I treated her like “the one” although I didn’t really feel the reverse was true. In my mind my approach was to always give benefit of the doubt that for the values I felt she did not have it would balance out by her being extremely lovely in a different category. Basically, I can make it work that way emotionally and they usually say a relationship is about making each other better.

So throughout my time with her I was essentially waiting to see her excel at certain categories. Example, if for whatever reason I was sad by normal standards just being present with me is usually good enough. Since I didn’t think she was “the one” as you say though in my mind I expected her to do something more extraordinary per se. Example, be present with me and actually help me to tangibly solve whatever it is that is causing me grief.

A silly way of thinking of it would be let’s say “the one” for me must love to watch theatre but she happens to be a TV person only. So with that in mind I hope to see that if another interest of mine is like cooking or something then she doesn’t just like it but she loves it. So there in my mind it’s like a balancing act in trying to see if there are enough other positives to counter balance the extreme negatives.

It can essentially go on forever until it makes sense to me in that way or if I feel the person did something malicious. That’s why for me at least in many ways it can be the simple notion of whoever grabs me first gets me. Of course like for me having gone through an experience like that it means I developed a mindset for me to expect to be receiving just as much as I am giving for a commitment or why I am less inclined to enter into a relationship if there seems to be some big no-no’s.

I personally feel for you that if you truly want to make something out of this, assuming you are dead set positive that you aren’t clinging on to this due to habit as an example, that the simple list of “wants” from both your ends would be the best course of action. For example, maybe his list of wants which he claims you can’t do is live close to him, someone who is ready to have a family financially, etc. Afterwards you would then with confidence show that you can do all that and have a plan. This is a big difference from giving an ultimatum too.

If he still avoids the relationship developing aspect then rationally I would say time to move on. But I would imagine this should in a sense unlock the real reasons as to why he isn’t moving things forward as you are essentially taking away all the excuses in a delicate way to unravel the truth.