pisces man confusing
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He says he’s a “bad” person.. Help!!

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Nia Asks:

I’ve been talking to this Pisces guy for a few months now, I’d say probably mid-November. At first, I always had a mini crush on him but I was pursuing this Virgo male so, I never reacted on my feelings for him because I respected this Virgo man and was in love with him. So after this Virgo man and I stopped talking to each other, I decided to get to know this Pisces guy more. The first time we “spoke” was when I dm’ed him on Instagram regarding a surprise party a friend and I were throwing for a girl he knows (he used to go to middle school with her) and he responded so quickly but said he couldn’t make it because he has two jobs and told me to tell her that he’s sorry and so I told him not to worry about it and not to beat himself up for it. This was August of 2017.

Now, fast forward, November— I added him on snapchat and we’ve been communicating since. When I added him, he viewed my story quickly and I noticed he posted a story cradling his newborn baby sister and I LOVE kids so I sent it back to him and we started communicating like that. I’ve done a couple of favors for him such as giving him a lyft to go to school twice and after a track meet, ordering him food once. We’ve never met before and I’ve brought the topic of meeting a few times but, he’s always working or he always has track practice or meets and on top of that, he has three younger siblings: the newborn, a 2 year old brother, and a pre-teen aged sister. Our conversations are always interesting, we connect on music, art, and just deep topics (we’re both pisces; i’m a pisces female). In the middle of us talking, we’ve exchanged a few jokes, and we’d ask each other questions about one another. There was a time when he was working late so, I offered to help him with his homework because I felt bad and I just genuinely wanted to help him (he’s an A and B student and I’m a straight A student so we both take our academics seriously).

However, when I offered to help him, I kind of was flirtatious because the conversation was going so well so I felt bold I guess you could say. I told him: “okay handsome, since you’re working late and I have nothing to do, i want to help you with your homework because i know how tired you’ll be” and he took a while to respond, he was in the chat for about 3 minutes before he responded telling me that he doesn’t want to lead me on because he feels that i want more than a friendship and he’s just not thinking of a relationship right now so, I told him that I understand and that i’m not exactly trying to rush into something right now but i do like him and i think he’s a great person.

My friends are always talking about how friendly he is and just how good he is as a person in general. He hit one of my friends up (they used to go to school together and she occasionally takes pictures of him since she loves photography) I guess after that incident and told her that I was being too affectionate and it scared him a bit but, we’ve gotten closer over text after that incident and i’ve limited my flirtatious texts. He’s sent me videos of himself and a video of his baby brother, which melted my heart. He’ll even ask me how my day is, how my mood is, and if I went somewhere, he’ll ask how that went (I went on a class trip a few days ago and he asked). Sometimes he’ll respond fast like in seconds or a few minutes tops but other times he’ll take a while, whether it’s a few hours (if he’s at work or at a meet). I send him good luck texts before a meet and he always thanks me.

An example of him being sweet would be when he was supposed to go to a concert in December (his favorite artist came to New York) but the day of the concert, I sent him a mini message telling him to enjoy himself and have fun and to send me snaps and he opens it in seconds, telling me that he can’t go anymore due to “Family stuff” and offered me his ticket. I couldn’t go because I had work so, we just spoke and I realized that the artist was coming back in a few weeks so I sent him screenshots of ticket prices and he tells me that he won’t be able to go for a while because of the family stuff but tells me “thank you so much”.

Talking to him has become a daily routine but, he posted a Snapchat asking who wants to FaceTime him weeks ago and I responded but, he didn’t give me his number. Then, when I ordered him food, i wanted to see if he’d finally give it to me so I asked once again and he said to just tell him when the food arrives and so i asked him if there’s a specific reason to why he won’t give me his number and he said he just doesn’t feel comfortable giving his number out like that and i told him that i understand but it’s not like we’re complete strangers. So yesterday, I expressed my feelings to him because he gave me his SoundCloud name so I can listen to his playlist and this song came on and it made me think of him and how I feel about him.

So, I send him a paragraph expressing myself but he tells me that he just can’t be in a relationship and tells me that I’m looking for a heart that’s not there. He proceeds to tell me that he’s a bad person and that he does bad things such as hurt people and he’s a player. I tell him to elaborate on how he hurts people but he doesn’t. I tell him that he isn’t a bad person— because he’d send me videos of himself and once, a video of his little brother and once, I was talking to him while he was taking his sister out to target to go Christmas shopping— i told him that i don’t believe he’s a bad person and that he has a big heart and obviously cares about other people. I also tell him that i know he isn’t bad from what I hear about him.

Whenever his name is mentioned, no one ever has anything negative to say about him. They’re always saying how nice and chill he is. I also tell him i know through his music because his playlist has songs about love and heartbreak so I can sense that maybe that’s a sensitive topic for him. I also brought that up asking if he’s ever been heartbroken before and he brushed off the topic by sending laughing emojis and insisting that I’m asking too many questions and saying no he hasn’t.

He told me that I don’t want him because of how bad he is and has been ignoring my messages ever since last night. However, has been posting on snap this morning but deleted the snaps. We haven’t met yet and I really want to meet him but he’s just always busy but now, it feels like that’ll be an even harder task to accomplish because of the way he’s speaking and acting to me. It’s like his personality switched and he was a completely different person when he was speaking to me yesterday and I hated it. I don’t believe he’s the bad person that he thinks he is, I think he’s being too hard on himself. I really like him. I need advice please.

Nia,

My general thought is usually if the person is really that into you then they will make time for you. With that in mind, based on what you wrote it sounds like in many ways he is creating this imagery of himself of being say stressed yet kind hearted. This might not be the ideal analysis you are hoping for but it is very inconsistent in many ways for someone to show you all those videos of like his little brother which would normally demonstrate trust but at the same time you say he won’t give you his number. In my mind with that circumstance odds are he knows how to butter you up per se which is what I would be thinking.

Kind of reminds me of like those long distance relationships where one person has never seen the other and every time the person wants to meet the person always has an excuse. Usually something is wrong in scenarios like that. For your situation it almost feels like you meeting him or whatever would maybe show something such as during the times he says he is busy he really isn’t. Essentially you getting his number technically brings you closer of course while at the same time brings you closer to seeing what his life really is like which he doesn’t want at the moment. That is different than someone being emotionally scared to go forward as an example.

In situations like this I personally feel if you really want to get to know him you kind of have to be passive about it too and analyze the facts. For example, you mentioned he kind of backs off when you ask about past relationships. That can be because of a hurtful past event or at the same time it could be skeletons in the closet too. Basically try and find consistencies when it comes to values through other means when a person is being that evasive to answering questions because things like a music list or published videos can be a very controlled way to portray an image.

For example, for the work/job that he does find out why he does it and what he loves and hates about it. If someone starts talking about how he despises a co-worker and wishes extreme negativity towards them you can start thinking how does that make sense with your current portrayal of his character? If he says someone has hurt him really bad when you start asking who they are and where they are from do they all of a sudden get evasive? All these little details can tell you so much.

On the flipside let’s assume he has low self-esteem then the general solution is to usually just think of something that you actually genuinely need, in a non-romantic way, where even he knows he is the guy that can help you with that. In either situation this can be the bridge to establish the communication and to eliminate that excuse of sorts where the person says they aren’t good enough. Just remember to keep an open mind in analyzing everything and the possibilities that can come out of that.

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4 Comments

  • Nia January 27, 2018

    Hi, Nia again,

    The other day, I just found out from a friend of mine, who used to go to school with him and still sees him around, that he is a “player” and that the recent thing he did to a female that liked him (in November) was talk to her and try to get her to be comfortable around him then, apparently he went to her house and had sex with her then, cut her off. She told me that in his relationship with his ex, he cheated on her multiple times and that’s the reason they were constantly on and off. But I told her how he warned me of his “bad” nature and she told me that’s how he is and how he lures in girls, I guess you can say. But, he hasn’t shown me any signs that he’s only talking to me for my body.

  • Alan February 1, 2018

    I would imagine you kind of got your answers about him in many ways. This will be one of those scenarios where with all the information you have it’s ultimately your choice. What I would say is though with all the warning signs, including from what I said based on what you wrote, there is a high risk of things going wrong.

    From my perspective with your additional information too I personally would say that is the sign he is potentially using you. People often say the phrase “learn from history or you are doomed to repeat it.” Like saying if an animal is known factually to attack literally everyone after a while then that is a huge stretch to say it seems so nice and friendly to you and shows no sign of aggression for you to take the risk in getting right up to it. Would you in that case?

    I would think with your new information, assuming it’s all true, it should be super easy to verify everything through him too. Example, if during a conversation he says he has never been with anyone or has never heard of the girl then that should be your cue to go the other way.

  • Nia March 25, 2018

    Hi Alan,

    so a lot has happened since I asked you a question.

    He and I spoke on the phone and we got to know each other: he would ask me questions about myself and I would do the same. We’ve been texting I’d say every day now and on his birthday, he was okay with seeing me and let me go to his house to give him his present (I drew his hand and put his traits behind the hand on branches in the background to symbolize how the traits are a tree that is created by his hand. I framed this: painted it, and shaded it and wrapped it in red gift paper because it’s his favorite color. I also typed him this letter explaining the hand in which i said:
    ” Dear (his name) Happy Birthday! I thought long and hard about what I wanted to give you for your birthday, which is really special considering that you just turned 18, and it was hard coming up with something. I didn’t want it to be materialistic; I wanted to give you something that showed depth and emotion. I wanted you to have something that you could look at every day, no matter where you were or how far away from home you are but, just by looking at it, you would say “wow” and see what it was about you that I tried to convey in your gift. I asked you for a picture of your hands and you took a perfect picture of your palm and so I thought, why not draw it? This is where the idea of your gift came to life. I wanted the drawing of your palm to be perfect because I wanted it to look precise and exactly like the picture you sent me. Yet, I didn’t just want to draw your palm. I wanted your gift to be more than that. So, I thought, why don’t I incorporate some traits and characteristics of yours into the drawing—in the background—and on tree branches that would represent a tree sprouting and its structure forming at the base of your hand. So if you want to look at it more symbolically, your palm is creating a tree that represents who you are in full. Although I didn’t put all of the traits and characteristics I feel describes you, I put the most important ones in the drawing because I feel like they are either ones you try to hide, ones that those around you see and know, but most importantly, ones that make you, you. They’re pretty much straightforward and don’t really need much of a description but, I feel that loving, devoted, indecisive, and humble are just the ones that could use a brief explanation because i’ve never focused on them before. So loving: I especially decided to choose this out of the list I created of your traits and characteristics because I feel that you possess this loving quality yet, you don’t really accept it because you don’t realize how great of a person you are and how you are capable of feeling and giving that quality. Devoted: this really goes to explain how much devotion you put into the things you do and love such as track and being a big brother. Indecisive: usually, it seems that i’m the one that’s always trying to push you to make a decision about something because you’ll usually respond with the typical, “idk”, which just shows how when it comes to making decisions on the spot, you don’t know what to say. Lastly, humble: you’re not one to brag about what you have. Instead, you’re more appreciative and silent and I feel that that’s honestly one of the most admirable characteristics that you have. I’m going to end this letter here considering that it is your birthday after all and you probably have other things to read and a day planned out. So, I just want to wish you a happy birthday again and I truly hope that you love your gift. “Signed (my name).

    Before i gave him his gift, he hugged me (this was the first time we met basically) and then i handed him the gift bag and he was smiling the entire night, making eye contact, and his feet were positioned towards me. He asked me if i wanted him to open his gift in front of me and i said yes. I made him read the letter i wrote for him first: in which he read some parts out loud and then when he finished reading it, he smiled and gave me another hug. He then proceeded to unwrap his gift and couldn’t stop smiling when he saw it. He asked me if i drew it and asked what i used and how i did it and even put his hand up to compare it to the picture. He gave me another hug and i joked, “you really like giving hugs huh?” and he smiled telling me it’s to show how appreciative he is. He told me he has a special place that he’s going to hang it in his room. So after a while, we jsut stood outside talking and then his mom called him to tell him that they’re waiting on him so they can cut the cake and he was telling her that he’s waiting on me to get a ride back home and he was going to wait until my lyft came but after he got off the phone, i told him that it’s okay and that he should go inside and celebrate his birthday with his family and that I’d be fine and he was like nah, he’ll stay and wait with me so i didn’t argue with him but then his mom came outside a while after to throw the trash away and she asked me how I’m doing and shook my hand and i introduced myself. And he was standing in the corner so embarrassed lmao and after she left, i asked him: “was that supposed to happen?” With a laugh and he was smiling and laughing and was like now she’s going to ask him so many questions like who was that and stuff. We were talking about tattoos and how he’s planning on getting it this Friday and i said “oh wow that’s right there” and he was like yeah and was so happy explaining how he’s going to his aunts’ friend and that person is going to do it for $80. So asked, will you take the tattoo money if i give it to you? And he was like you know how i feel about that and i was like yeah but to add onto your tattoo fund because i put $30 in a small envelope and he was like I’ll take it if it makes you happy and he took it and was like thank you again. And yeah, so i got the lyft after a while and we talked for a bit but then he left before it came because of his mom and everyone else waiting for him and then i left. I’d conclude that he had a perfect birthday.

    So fast forward: we’ve been continuing our conversations and my birthday was on the 17th and i was having a terrible week so i thought, maybe he would make it better but he sent me the dryest “happy bday” text and barely communicated with me the entire day. He was working the entire day so i tried not to let it get to me. That same night, i went out to dinner with a friend and i was talking to him. I asked him to prom and he said yes, and then i asked if he’s going to prom with someone and he says yes he is and i ask if it’s a friend and he responds “eh not really” and says that he talks to her. I was hurt, it felt like a big slap in the face. He told me it’s not like we were talking like that and says how he doesn’t get why it’s a big deal since i never asked. I told him to forget about prom and he got offended. he also says that it was recent. So now Alan, I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m trying to play hard to get and distance myself a bit but, I really like this person and i feel that he could be the one because we share so many interests and it feels like i’ve met him before. He always watches my snap story and the other day, i invited him to this party that the girls track team of my school was hosting and he said he was busy and then when i posted the party on my snapchat, he watched quickly. He also posted this snap that said, “Party at my house right now since everyone’s at a party and i’m bored” and i sent it back to him minutes after he posted it and said, “you should’ve came. it’s not too late” but after 30 minutes, he left me on open and ignored me. Another good sign about him is that he told me one of his favorite movies is The Great Gatsby, and you have no idea how much I love both the novel and the movie. What do i do Alan?

  • Alan March 28, 2018

    Unfortunately there isn’t really much to add as you were given advice and perspective on what to do but ultimately it’s your choice where from the sounds of it you decided to pursue him. Really liking a person for certain traits is not the same thing as the person being right for you, in my opinion. Or another way of thinking about it is it’s almost like you love chocolate but hate cookies while being semi allergic to it.

    But because you saw this one cookie that has these specific chocolate chips that you love and rarely see you are insisting in eating that cookie that doesn’t suit your taste buds just for those bits of chocolate chips. Like there if it is really just the chocolate chips of that cookie you like why not just find like a dedicated chocolate bar with those exact ingredients instead? You can eat as many of those cookies as you want but it will never change.

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