Troubled Pisces Male
Hello Alan. I’m a Pisces male. I can’t seem to get it right. For so long I’ve been cut off from everyone and haven’t had a proper heart. I feel so alone. Everyone in my life is a stranger and it’s so hard to get close to people. either i am too warm or not warm enough, and i have issue letting into my life because to me it is very complicated to explain. And the people I’ve been close with…. these days I just don’t feel like opening any messages or replying or talking or anything. I’m not depressed I just…feel very misanthropic and don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m still feeling lonely though.
I messaged my ex girlfriend and asked her if she wanted to go for a ride and she said she was sleepy and had to go to work in the morning, and today she sent me a link to a song that talked about how every girl this guy liked turned out to be a ‘dike’ with no context and i didn’t know if she was telling me that she was in fact gay and didn’t want me to think that there could be a possibility of anything happening between us, just to clarify things (because for me it was up in the air my intentions and the intended outcomes of talking to her again–mostly I just wanted to talk to her and couldn’t find a way to, and I had a spark from a dream that I had a while back that I’m afraid of my passions, so i sent her a message sort of to do it like a test of willpower and strength so that I know that i’m not weak, and i didn’t really have any plans for afterward because I knew that i’m not in a place really to share energy or entertain a woman or step into their world or whatever.
although before when i was driving in the car i felt that if we were to be together i would be very fun and spirited and passionate and we could have good conversation, but of course in that moment my phone was dead and i had to wait until i was home and out of the moment of spirit to contact her. I thought she would reject me but it was about 6 messages long and it was a very nice encounter, she called me “k” which is short for my full name and it was very familiar and there was a heat to it. But the next day, today, i had trouble because i started an old habit of like thinking about everything in my life in terms of a story to tell her rather than just processing it the way i normally would, which was annoying i guess just because it was happening and i didn’t really want to enter that place with her again or something, because i don’t want to think my thoughts in the third person and they’re not as rich and potent when i’m thinking from an outside view.
and as i was driving earlier i was bombarded with these different things, because the night before i had been reading messages of my old ex girlfriends and being amazed at the drama and different personalities and gaining insight about me and my growth, and then i stumbled upon some readings about balance that went into sexuality and balance in your sexuality. and i went to sleep with these things in my mind and woke up thinking about my sexual history and anyway all this wonder creative beautiful stuff about sex, remembering my sex life with my recent ex girlfriend which was very rich and amazing and raw etc, the best sex i’ve ever had frankly, and because sex has been boring in the past or really i just haven’t understood it and have felt disconnected and unstimulated/fulfilled and generally uninterested in it i knew that if i were to be creative sexually maybe i would have more fun, so i recalled the sex that my most recent ex and i had in a forest and thought creatively about it all and it was a very wonderful experience of description and really enticed me and gave me a high and added a new dimension to what sex is and how i might speak during sex, since i’ve always been bad at dirty talk, and saw the beauty of sex more as this grand act of physics, well at least in the instance, and it was very new the vocabulary and point of view and was very trying on the mind but stimulating and satisfying. the point of all of this was that it clouded my already unset intentions with my ex gf and instead of thinking through it all the next morning i just collapsed the thoughts and said essentially que cera cera and kept moving.
so fast forward she sends me the message and it makes me feel like, because she’s said that she thinks she’s gay and i haven’t talked to her in a while, and i think she’s telling me off through this song. so i proceed to say things that do not further any energy or conversation. i ask her if she was trying to tell me something in a humorless fashion because things like this i don’t really know how to inject humor about i suppose and she tells me she’s not.
she just liked the song. so i say “that settles it. i’m crazy” and i was going to go into an explanation of my point of view but my mom called and all of the emotion behind it left me. anyway i proceed to go out of my mind, the words “i’m crazy” sticking with me, start to basically lose all sight of the world and begin to push her away as someone who drives me crazy and is confusing so why do I need to talk to her if she causes me anxiety? and then i figure out that it was my dubious motivations that caused me to be paranoid.
however my conclusions that she is not good for me still stand because always in our relationship since i am prone to think deeply and try and figuring millions of things out, just not in the moment, i end up wandering about lost to the world in my mind with these great questions and investigations, and particulary ‘inventing’ these responses to her, but then my entire day would be me thinking about what she was saying and flipping it over and analyzing and etc trying to find the perfect thing to say back or figure out some truth and it was not i guess healthy and very very distracting if i were trying to get things done.
now i think in the same way but it’s about things that further my interests creatively and enhance my understanding of myself and the world around me. and this is why i am fine with being alone so much right now, because i am in direct friendship with my mind and the world, and talking to people i can’t be in the same space, unless they are people that i’ve known for a long time and am close with currently, which at the moment happens to be only my family members.
anyway. now i’m just thinking that i don’t think that i can talk to another woman for a long time. if i can friend a male friend to have brotherhood with i’ll be very happy. women are confusing and even though i’ve had “luck” with them i don’t feel very lucky. i’m sad that i started dating so early on in my life. i wonder where i would be if somehow i had not been such a romantic or i.e. swept away by the wiles and fancies of women and had my first and second girlfriend in 7th grade, my first kiss as well, and girlfriends very consistently all the way until now, where i am 23 years old. i almost want to say ‘fuck women’ and angrily step away, stomp away like a baby and be upset because of my history of hurts and my seeming inability to bridge between our minds hearts and interests in a working way.
i dont know. im confused about so much. i feel that i dont have any friends and that ive been pushing everyone out of my life, that i can never find success creatively. i enjoy myself but i mess up so often. i feel deeply imbalanced and very much in my head and unable to attend to things around me i.e. responsibilities and appointments etc. they say i need medication and i’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizoaffective disorder in the past, although i understood these things more as part of my journey as a human…and have been mainly focused on understanding the world so that many of the difficulties i had in thinking and relating have gone away.
however i still have many anxieties and i think a long way away from being truly stable even in small moments, like when there’s a minor misunderstanding as with my ex girlfriend. i am trying to push my way through all of it and enjoy the process because it is directly interacting with the fabrics of the different aspects of humanity and philosophy and the sciences and logic etc. however i am far from normal. i would just enjoy it if i could be someplace where my not normal is normal and i can work and be and enjoy myself with creative success and people that i enjoy talking to and supporting and being around. i don’t know if i’m asking too much or if that’s just utopian.
i give up about my ex girlfriend. of course i will always follow my feelings if they tell me to reach out or something but i am not looking to her for friendship or company or anything like that. it is too complicated and right now i can not handle complicated, no not in that way.
I was trying to determine what was ultimately your lingering question in the sense of were you trying to better understand why you think the way you do as an example or how to approach your ex in terms of mindset? I am leaning towards the learning about yourself more aspect.
From what you wrote I would be inclined to say the foundation of your confusion is the inability to go back fresh and do everything again. Keep in mind these are just my personal thoughts too. You mentioned key phrases such as you are sad that you dated so early on in life and because of that you wonder where you would be now if you didn’t. To me that all fits in line with what I am talking about.
Another way to visualize it is let’s pretend you had a choice to stay in school or work at some place where as a result in your mind it would make you look and feel great. There was also another person convincing you to do so. Therefore you decided to drop out of school for two years to do this work.
That didn’t turn out good and the guy now just left you to fend on your own as it was your life decision to try it. Now you are angry at people and life in general because you are at a tough spot. What if you didn’t go for this and decided to stay in school instead? You can’t go back though so now you remain in a sense angry of the situation and are constantly untrusting of anyone who resembles anything to the guy that duped you.
So essentially the problem is in your mind you cannot move on and use that simply as an experience. Instead of simply falling down and getting back up to walk like normal you are constantly walking through life with your back behind a wall for protection. Technically you could say a person like me thinks of like a million things too when it comes to analyzing people. The fundamental difference in your situation and mines is I process that as simply information where you seem to immediately use it as a way to confirm your current beliefs about something. That comes down to things like trust. Not just about the other person but to yourself that you know regardless of what one throws at you that you can in a sense take it. By the sounds of it you aren’t truly confident that you can I would say.
Like saying if you are scared of getting “beaten up” by people you will always go through life paranoid that everyone is out there to beat you up at the school yard. If you are confident in yourself and your ability to handle the situation need be you wouldn’t be like that. Imagine those two scenarios too in terms of meeting and being with people. Which guy do you think will tend to push everyone away unintentionally?