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Reader Questions

Understanding a Pisces

Mary Asks:

I have this problem that hopefully you can help me with some insights. I’ve known this Pisces man for quite sometime, he’s actually my younger brother’s bff, but just gotten closer to him this last few months (been roughly 4 months). Prior to that, we’ve had a very few interactions, but since then, it’s been nonstop. Before, I go on with my story, I want to let you know that I am a married woman and he does live on the otherside of the US (I live in NJ; he lives in CA).

I also want to mention to you that prior to this; we went on vacation together with my brother and a couple of his friends earlier this year. So moving along, online conversation started about 4 months ago right after vacation. I’m the one that reached out to him. It was just an innocent conversation about me owing him money and me wanting to pay him back. It went on from there. At first, our conversations are the usual friendly banter. Then the flirting started. 1-3 messages per week at first.

Now, we chat online almost everyday. Mind you, chattiness stops or very few as soon as I get home or during weekends. Recently, he started opening up to me about failed hook ups, and wanting to get an insight of a girls point of view. I asked him a couple of times as well for some guy advice. In June, we are going to see each again for a few days. We are going to be in a group setting but I want to make sure that I don’t get awkward around him. I have a ton of questions as far as how do I proceed with this. I don’t really know if he likes me or not. That’s probably why, I’m reaching out to you. Help…


The first thing I am a little unclear about is the hope of the outcome on your part. Example, you mentioned that you are married. So like there are you saying this as a way to express that you are worried that he is getting romantically attached to you or is it the other way around? Example, if it is for the scenario that you are committed to your relationship and worried that he is maybe taking things the wrong way then simply being natural should be the answer I feel.

Because in my mind at this point there is a possibility that you are the distant close relationship where he can semi feel comfortable in trying to get insights from. The example would be there are a lot of people who would talk to maybe a person they only met once or twice about a lot of personal details as opposed to the close friend. The reason would be simple as since they interact with close friends everyday they may feel the topic that is bothering them will make them look bad where they will be constantly judged for it. So like there you are his brother’s family member so there is at least that tiny sense of safety but at the same time you two aren’t like bff’s too from what I gather. But things are growing as you say.

The fact that he is asking you for advice simply tells me that for whatever reason he values spending time with you. There isn’t enough information based on what you wrote to me that suggest it’s like for romantic reasons. If he is asking you about “hook ups” with the way I define a hook up is I think this is more of a comfort evaluation technique. Hence, it didn’t seem like you judged him for it but rather are supportive. So it’s simply a signal that he can open up more. Again, it doesn’t say anything about it being romantic or not yet I say.


  • emv879 May 10, 2016

    Hi Alan,
    You’ve asked me about what I wanted to get out of this. Call me selfish, but I say both. I am little worried that he is getting “romantically” attached because I do value my marriage, but at the same time, as much as I do not want to entertain the feeling, I like it.
    I don’t understand either, why he chooses to spend time with me. That’s where I get confuse. Our daily conversations usually lasts 4/5 hrs. Talking about things we like, don’t like. To me, I feel like he wants to get to know me but then at the same time have some reservations because of my status. He keeps repeating that the only thing he wants right now is friends with benefits relations. Can you please elaborate on the comfort evaluation technique you we’re talking about?

  • Alan May 10, 2016

    Okay, so if I am interpreting this correctly for when it comes to yourself it’s the thought that you are being extremely desired, so to speak, where that feeling is addictive in a sense. As long as you truly understand why then hopefully that gives you the proper perspective to make a rational decision as opposed to an emotional one.

    For comfort evaluation an easy way to think of it is like this. Let’s pretend we are two kids and I really want to break something. Now let’s say in my mind I know it is bad and most people would see it that way too. But I still want to do it because it just feels so good to break things. So instead of being upfront about it for the fear of being labelled a certain way they would say to people things like “It would be cool to break that and make the guy mad.”

    So people can either respond by saying something like “No it wouldn’t, that’s bad” or something like “Yeah, that would be kind of funny.” If you said the “kind of funny” response then to him that indicates you are someone who can help him acquire his appetite for destruction without judging him. Or as the conversation goes and you seem more curious/interested in it you may even break the stuff with him.

    I personally feel his use of the technique is similar considering the circumstance is “friends with benefits” as you say. Like how many woman here view a relationship where a man just wants to have like sex with the person and then leave as a commendable trait in a sense? Everyone’s belief on the subject is different of course. But I think it is safe to say that the majority of people view that in a negative light by default.

    If you think about it, for your sake this is more about you dictating how things will turn out based on your actions not his. Let’s say you see each other now and the crazy scenario is he comes onto you. It’s your choice to entertain it or not as for him he is just kind of throwing stuff out there at the moment it seems and seeing what happens.

    Think of it from this crazy perspective actually. “What if” he is just like you in a sense right now where he loves the thought that a woman, being you, is potentially desiring him at the moment? The fact that you are “taken” too kind of ups the confidence that he “has it” to entice you out of the arms of the man in your life. Considering he is being rejected by so many woman at the moment, which is what I assume is happening, would you coming on to him give him that same sense of desire to follow through? I would say that isn’t a far-fetched emotional decision scenario that happens frequently with people.

    That’s something for you to think about as I personally feel you need to be really clear emotionally and rationally at what you want. Maybe this isn’t the popular answer, but it’s like saying if these feelings are actually enticing you to do things that you don’t feel entirely right about then maybe it’s better to first do the wise thing and understand a little more deeply on your needs and what your significant other can do for you so that your mind doesn’t have to wander like that.

    Because if you are confident with that aspect in your life then this should be a non-issue I feel in terms of how you are around him even if it is a giving and receiving relationship advice from the perspective of the opposite sex. I don’t know you personally of course, but maybe your significant other doesn’t say compliment you that much anymore and so this guy’s conversations with you kind of triggers that same kind of desired feeling.

    In my opinion, if you can confidently and clearly answer all of that then you shouldn’t ever have to worry about being awkward around him because in your mind you understand exactly what you want out of the relationship/friendship. Whether or not he comes onto you per se afterwards shouldn’t matter. If you are clear on what you want then you basically have control to steer the ship in any direction that you want.

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