Want to understand

Lulu Asks:

Hi!

I’ll try to make it short. I’m still in love with my ex boyfriend, which is pisces man. It’s over since 2 years ago.

He broke up telling hurting things, but without violence. I’m really a stoic person. The most my feelings are hurted, the most I’m stoic. Maybe a capricorn thing. So I didn’t do the all drama about trying to make him change his mind. I just couldn’t. I respected it. But it made me feel so traumatized lol! Because I intuitively feel how sensitive he was, and his eyes were so frankly telling me he is in love…he didn’t say it. Nor me. So he told me that I didn’t love him. I was so hurted that I cut the contact. During a month. Then, we write sometimes and sometimes not. I didn’t pursue him, I thought he played with me, broke my heart consciously and doesn’t mind. Last year, I told him my feelings, saying the 3 words. But, he was in a relationship. I was convinced in my heart that he never loved me, so I thought he loved her.

But, some months after, maybe 3, I once initiated the contact by writing him on Facebook. Since that day, we are evolved in a sort of thing I don’t know what it is. We started being aggressive to each other, since I could no longer take…I re-said the 3 words, I stopped fight with him. Since that day, he changed. He broke up with his girlfriend. I Don’t believe it’s because of me. We spent time together, but I don’t have sex no more since one and half year. And I want to with him, but I refuse to be that easy. He could, but never tried to touch me in a way to go there. But all his non verbal language says he is attracted, and he cares. But his verbal language doesn’t.

There is a huge contradiction in what he says and what he does. What he does (express his internal feelings about the life, his life, talking about what stresses him out at job, what he is afraid to, being jealous of other men, trying to make me jealous, ask for advices, and so) doesn’t match what he says (search a girl, doesn’t compliment me, telling me he doesn’t care but searching me if I disappear for 3 days on social media or network, saying this other girl is hot, but become hard when I walk in front of him with my mini short in my house, and so).

I don’t know what to think. He is able to say he doesn’t have feelings for me while he can’t help himself stopping stare at me, or trying to catch my eyes. It’s so bizarre

Lulu,

Based on what you wrote I don’t really understand the backstory as to what caused things like the breakup. However, with what you wrote my interpretation would be that he simply sounds really scared and insecure. A stereotypical example would be two guys getting ready to fight each other in a match. One guy is in the other guy’s face yelling and screaming how he is going to annihilate him and that he isn’t afraid. In reality, inside he is terrified as he feels the other person is more skilled. However, he feels that he can’t show that he is scared where it would give the other guy a confident boost and so the natural thing to do for many is to attack with words and all to hide this fact.

As mentioned, I don’t really know the specific details, but even based on what you wrote that fear and insecurity seems to be pretty evident if what you said is accurate of him being jealous of other men and such. To put it in perspective, maybe in his eyes you are like “model quality” when it comes to physical appearance and in his mind there is no way a person like you would naturally want an “ugly duckling” like him. Therefore, one gets extremely insecure and starts to find other reasons that you must be “using” him for.

So in that case it would make perfect sense as I can easily see how one would constantly try to sabotage the relationship in a way to justify their own insecurities. Because at this moment it’s like one feels you are so much higher than them in terms of “desire” and such where they then feel the need to bring you down to their perceived level of themselves for it to work.