Will he come back to me?

36 Comments

• 

  Veena October 12, 2016

  Hi – I have an update since your reply to me…but before I get into that, let me reply to your questions..
  We spoke / chatted with each other for a total of 2.5 days. While I do admit that I have not been happy in my marriage I also would like to point out that I have taken all possible efforts to make it work which also includes marital counseling before I took the decision to divorce. I will elaborate more during my update.
  I would prefer to come out of the marriage and pursue a relationship with him but I can’t do that with the current situation…again I will elaborate during my update further below. He also had mentioned to me before we parted ways that he would have taken me in immediately had I been single and that this is the only thing that is stopping him from moving forward.
  Based on my life experiences so far…nothing is in our control…not even our own lives…I mean we can control our individual personal goals or our emotions but anything outside of it where it involves another person then you have very limited control over it….I’m a living example!
  Mine is a love marriage and I got into it with dreams of having a happy married life, kids…a great future..set milestones and boom my life turned upside down. Who would ever guess that I would land up in a situation like this?! That we would be childless…that we would live like friends despite me taking every effort to make this marriage work…like I have a high level of confidence that no one can turn around and ask me what efforts I took to make this marriage work because I can list them out…and nobody can find a hole in it! even my husband till date admits that I’ve been the one to take the effort and that he can’t find fault with me. That’s the true Capricornian spirit in me to do what it takes to make a relationship work!
  So what I’m trying to say is…we can’t predict what’s ahead of us and so when this realization hit me recently…I just decided to live for the present…enjoy each day as it comes and to control my personal milestones and nothing more because I crave for love and affection…I have no other expectations…not even materialistic.
  You are right in 2.5 days I don’t know his dark side / moods as yet and I loved the fact of him making me feel special and loved because he did it in a beautiful way rather than having only sex written in it. It was more of an emotional connection. I am willing to take that risk and give it a try if I know he’s a genuine person – my gut feeling says he’s a true gentleman. He could’ve used and thrown me if he wanted to but he was sensitive to the situation and reacted accordingly.
  I have a question on your last para about his urge being pretty high and that being the reason for blocking me in the social media site – so here is the update and then I will ask you the question..
  So I gathered enough courage to make a call to him…I could make out from his voice that he was excited to hear mine and then I told him that the 10 days was crazy and I missed him like mad and I did a lot of thinking and I was scared and that was the reason that I did not express myself to him on those days that we chatted and that I agree with him that we cannot be friends and hence this call was to let him know that I am wholeheartedly ready to take the relationship to the next level and do things together as a couple. While his voice was cheerful and happy he did still make it a point to say that it may not be right to proceed forward because of the current situation and conscience and guilt issues etc. So I told him that my mind was clear and I will have no regrets but if he was confused and not clear then I am ok to wait if he wanted to think about it because I told him that its important he feels the same way as I do. I was a bit surprised by these words of his because I thought he was ready to “go with the flow” knowing I was married and I was the one putting up the block but I told him to go ahead and think. He even told me that during those 10 days he didn’t think about me and that he had moved on with his life and so here’s my question linked to that last para of yours…is that possible being a Piscean? or was he bullying me by saying that? cos it kind of hurt me when he said that…
  Well following that call, he became romantic, expressive, cheesy, flirtatious…we spoke on phone and chatted..exchanged more selfies (decent ones..nothing intimate)…and I’m probably asking the same question here again…how can you again transform back into the same person that I love when you just told me that you didn’t even think about me for those 10 days…how the hell is that possible?
  So we continued the chat and calls for about 3 days and during those 3 days we asked each other more questions to get to know one another better and he asked me questions surrounding my sex life and when was the last time I had sex..I told him 3 months ago and he asked me why and I told him we live mostly like friends then he asked me if I had been looking for someone other than my husband and I told him that at some point of time when I had asked for a divorce..yes I was looking but now I am not and that at one point of time for 8yrs my husband and me did not have sex (this point I know registered deep in his mind because while he did not express it on chat…he made a point to mention this when we met in person). He asked me if I was committed now and I said yes I am. I answered all his questions honestly. Then when I asked him why he was asking me all these questions…he mentioned he was thinking..so I told him ok go ahead and think and that I would hug him virtually while he sat and thought (I meant that in a warm way with no intention of being cheesy…you know what I mean?). When I said that, he was all cheesy and I just went with the flow but didn’t encourage the conversation too much and I slept off (this chat happened in the night).
  The next morning, he messaged saying he had thought about it for long and felt that he did not want to take the relationship forward stating the same reason. I asked him if he could call and talk to me about it rather than continuing on message and I clearly told him that my intention was just to listen and understand what was running in his mind and nothing else and that I would never force him into anything…and he said ok he would call me later after work. I waited for his call all day and evening and when I didn’t hear back I messaged asking him if he was done with work…that’s when I saw the change in the way he messaged..it was kind of blunt..he said he was outside..so I asked him if everything was ok and he said yes. Then later in the night when I saw him online I messaged him and asked him when I could expect his call and he said he would call the next day morning since it was pretty late. I said ok but kind of got the feeling that he didn’t want to speak and I felt that I was forcing him into speaking to me when he clearly told me on message that he didn’t want to take it forward.
  So I decided to not message him and left the choice to him as to whether he wanted to message or call me. The next morning he messaged me saying he was busy with chores and that he would call later..I was very sedate in my replies and just told him an ok. I’m not sure if he felt bad because immediately he started chatting with me (normal conversation) on how the day went etc and then out of the blue he asked if I wanted to meet him…I went with the flow and said an ok and we decided on a place and time to meet later in the evening. He then chatted a bit cheesily with me asking me what I was going to wear and if I like dressing up hot..I picked the hint told him I am yet to decide but I wore something that was chic considering the city we live in is pretty conservative and not the place to dress sexily. He even asked me if I would hug or shake hands and I told him I am ok to hug but would you respond back and he told me to do whatever made me comfortable and he would respond back for sure.
  Well I hugged and kissed him on the cheek when we met and he hugged me back…we asked each other if we looked the same as in the pics and he said I looked the same as what he saw in the pics. We met at a coffee shop and had a real long sensible, non-cheesy conversation surrounding my marriage…what went wrong…me going for marriage counseling as a last resort to make it work and all the efforts I took to make my marriage work and the current status of my marriage…I told him the reason I was still sticking on was because in all the negativity of my marriage, I was blessed to get a wonderful family…cousins..aunts..uncles..that my SIL was like a huge pillar of support with my MIL causing our marriage to go downhill…he was touched by that. I asked him back about a previous relationship he had and why it broke..he said it was a no strings attached relationship and they had mutually parted ways….I have a question here…I remember before we parted ways the first time he had told me that he was scared to get into a relationship and here he was telling me that he was in a no strings attached relationship and had parted ways mutually….I am wondering if this relationship had hurt him in anyway and that’s why he’s scared to get into another relationship. I don’t know if he’s still in touch with his ex because he told me that the last time he had sex was like 3 months ago too. Then he said that on his way to the coffee shop he had a premonition / intuition of a dog biting his hand and he was kind of taking it as a cue that he shouldn’t take this relationship forward….while it was highly disappointing and hurting to hear him say that..I told him that I respected his decision and asked him if this would be the last meet..To this he replied that the world is small and we are bound to meet again so this may not be the last meet. We shook hands, parted ways and he was the first to get out of the parking lot and when he hit the main road…a little further down..he called me to ensure I was out and till I drove past him….now this is where something funny happened…I waved to him and drove on for about 5 min…when he called me again and asked me to pull over. I pulled over and then he came upto me and asked me if I had left my wallet behind at the coffee shop – I said no..rechecked my handbag to make sure and even asked him if he was pulling my leg and he said a no…why I found this weird is because 1. he was the first to leave the parking lot and hit the road and he was a bit further down when I drove past him so I’m unable to believe that the coffee shop guy called out to him (that’s what he told me) 2. he was keenly looking into my eyes in a sort of longing way and I don’t know if he came to see if I was crying or whether he wanted to see me one last time…I am clueless..what do you think?
  We messaged each other that we had reached safely after we reached our respective residences and that’s it…this happened on Oct 1st…so from then till now there’s been no chats or calls and I have not initiated anything and neither has he. I thought he would delete my number but strangely till date I am still able to see his time stamp…so that confirms that he still has my number on his contact list.
  So my question is…what is running through his mind because I feel like he’s keeping me in suspense. On one side I feel that he’s still unsure and hence he’s holding onto me and not deleting my number Vs the first time when we parted ways where he was able to delete my number and move on. On the other side I’m wondering if he’s moved on and if I should move on as well? My heart still loves him 100% but I feel helpless and I don’t know what I should do. I am also wondering if pisceans have a tendency to stalk eg.. in this case…would he try to see or observe my online behaviour by coming into my chat screen to see my time stamp or would I be totally ignored?! I also want to know if there is an element around the way I looked…his preference is thin and curvy and I am well built and curvy on the road to losing more weight and I am pretty….would it matter that I am not thin?
• 

  Veena October 13, 2016

  In addition to my long note.. I also wanted to mention that during the course of our conversation when we met..he indicated that he had not been to a pub out here in our city and was wanting to go and that a friend of his (a girl) had been calling him for like ages. He said he would prefer to go with a girl than with his male friends as it would be more cost effective…my reply was jus ok cool yea you should go n vouched for a pub he named agreeing that it was a good place to go to….I am wondering why he brought this up…was it to make me jealous?
• 

  Alan October 13, 2016

  Alright, that was a lot to digest so I’ll try to break everything down. I’ll start with diving into the topic of you saying he wasn’t thinking about you in 10 days and how the heck can someone turn things on and off like that. The simple answer is for whatever reason you don’t completely have his heart and devotion to you. It’s as simple as that in my view. So with that in mind I’ll try to describe it in more detail.

  While keep in mind everything is my own opinion and perspective, I have had plenty of people ask me the same type of thing on how I can just turn it on and off like that. People often say a person with my personality type is the hardest to read. I feel that is due to how I process and handle emotions. For most people I would say they would follow what they feel. For myself I would say I go with what I bring. I’ll use an analogy and metaphor to try and explain it.

  Let’s say there is an unknown forest we need to walkthrough and you are at the entrance debating if you should go through. What do most people look for first? I would say they look for signs of safety and comfort. Example, lots of daylight so you know where you are going or friendly plants and animal life. All signs that you would love to proceed. However, hearing like loud roars or seeing darkness will scare you off. Minus those bad factors most people would go through and naturally say pet the furry animals that they see on the way and so fourth.

  For my type of personality the friendliness of the environment and all is irrelevant in the beginning. I don’t walk in there all paranoid that like a lion is going to try and devour me in that forest where I better carry a weapon of some sort as I walk through it in a constant state of alertness. However, I am going to walk through there with a clear mind while wearing my invisible full body armour. Now think about that. Because I have this armour on I can’t technically literally “touch” others with feeling and nor can they touch me.

  What I can do though is walk through that forest in a neutral state of mind while calmly observing all the actions and sounds around me. With this armour on too and the animal example I could technically pet it like you would where it would get a similar feeling of warmth and love. I can “see” and “sense” the connection we would have. Think about that though. That animal would technically “feel” the touch but I wouldn’t as I can’t unless I am willing to remove the armour. If you think deeper too you aren’t technically feeling the real touch of me because I am wearing this armour. Normally I would have to walk through that forest quite a bit of times and seeing how the animals react in different circumstances before even thinking of taking the armour off.

  If you think about it that’s why a person can turn things on and off so easily whereas a person like yourself thinks that is crazy. The situation isn’t the same. If I say walked without that armour too then it would be similar. I would be inclined to say that is why so many people say the connection feels so strong. Think about it using the same example. With that way of thinking and approach the person has to truly have a deep connection with you “mentally” in understanding what makes you happy and how you react. So if you already feel so “touched” with them having the armour on imagine how you will feel when they take it off.

  Make no mistake as with many examples I have given before in other posts. If I say took that armour off where I am completely in trust with you the sensitivity to what you say or do can seem extremely high compared to most. Hence, the part where people sometimes complain a person like myself is way too sensitive. Generally speaking this can be extremely good or extremely bad depending on what kind of person you have. As I say, some opt to use things like deep intuitive senses for good and some bad. That is why I always stress to base things on actions and facts.

  About his past relationships it doesn’t sound like you were able to ask him much. It’s only fair you should I think as it sounds like you told him a lot about yours. I will personally say that being in a “no strings attached” relationship isn’t consistent with someone who is like dreamy and is looking for the one that is for sure.

  The part about him asking you about the wallet seemed like an excuse to get you to take action which you didn’t. Example, imagine the typical scenario where you and another person is off work where you are about to leave. The guy likes you and wants to talk to you further but feels awkward. So they just ask randomly if that pen on the table is yours. Like there, the hope is you would stay and continue the talk. Because based on what you wrote he said to leave so he can’t exactly in a reasonable way just say let’s stay longer.

  What’s running through his mind you ask? Combining everything you have said so far I would personally say it’s a very basic risk versus reward kind of mindset. Emotionally I think it would be very similar to you having a pair of dice where you are told if you roll a seven right now you will get one million dollars. If you don’t you lose one million. That’s what it sounds like for him. While the non-finalized divorce is probably a legitimate technical factor for that, I am almost inclined to think based on the pattern the potential real reason would be something like he is afraid that the fire won’t last between you two. But if he commits to you then socially/culturally he has to stick with it. Hence, the rolling the dice part.

  I wouldn’t say he “moved on” but again it’s more in the lines of I don’t think you ever completely had his heart and devotion. I would imagine people in general would only “stalk” if they are trying to get information on people in an untrusting way. In terms of being ignored, I know for myself if you are ignored you are gone. But you have to like do something very malicious to get that kind of reaction.

  About your physical appearance that is entirely a personal preference as everyone is different. Like for myself I mentioned about this before where I don’t really care about physical appearance in the traditional sense. It’s all about who you are. However, with that said like for myself physical appearance can often mean things like your physical stamina and endurance. Example, if I wanted someone who would be able to enjoy the outdoors with me such as climbing a mountain then that often requires a certain fitness level.

  Like you say his preference is thin and curvy. You need to find his underlying reason why that is his preference to really say whether or not that is a factor. At the same time, whether or not you agree with the reason for it as you need to be happy in a relationship by being who you are too.

  For the last note about the pub I must say that is very unusual that a guy would say to a girl that it is more “cost effective” to bring a female. Was that supposed to be like a bad/corny joke on his part? If so I would say personally that was just a very “lame” way of like asking you out to go with him.

  Just a thought about life control and all, I personally believe everyone has control on how to live with situations that are given to them. Even if your destination is pre-determined per se you still have a choice as to the types of paths to take and the life to live. Like saying doesn’t matter if at the end of the chapter we will all fade away. We all have a choice as to how the journey unfolds.

  I am saying that too because your line of saying you are living for love and affection combined with you asking about your appearance is making me worried that you are potentially looking for someone to show you that you are special per se as opposed to knowing and believing it yourself. This is just my opinion of course, but I wouldn’t want to hear you get into like another decade of marriage believing that a person was going to do that for you just to potentially be disappointed again. Things like this should start with yourself first I feel.
• 

  Veena October 17, 2016

  Hi Alan…I wanna thank you for patiently reading through and answering my questions with a lot of incredible detail. With my moon in Pisces..I can relate to a lot of his traits as I display contrasting behavior at times. I understand what you are saying but need to read through multiple times to absorb and see if I have any additional questions..meanwhile thanks so much once again for the clarity you provided! Truly appreciated!
• 

  Veena October 18, 2016

  Hello Alan – I see and understand what you mean. I do this with my friends…I can make a lot of friends but if someone were to ask me to point out my best pals then that would be just a handful because I always wear my invisible armor around me. I’m a sucker for tender love and affection and so when I meet a probable soul mate I give my heart and soul without proceeding with caution..this is a good lesson for me and I must learn to apply this to a soul relationship…
  I stand corrected about 1 area where I believe I may have been misinterpreted…the part about coming into my chat window to check on my last online stamping and profile pic and status…I didn’t mean to say stalking in a negative way but more of “miss you” type..eg. I miss him terribly and because I know he has my number saved and because I can see his profile pic, timestamp and status…I go very often to his chat window to read the old chats we shared, his profile pic and his status..his time stamp makes me feel that he is somewhere close by or just seeing him online..hope this clarifies! I am wondering if he will be doing the same?
  …and no after telling me he had a premonition about a dog biting his hand (that kinda hit me bad!) I guess I was in no frame of mind to take a hint Alan to even ask him whether he wanted to stay and chat. I guess that’s where the contrasting personality comes out right? when your heart and mind are not on the same level…his heart wants to be with me but his mind is screaming caution…correct me if I am wrong..
  In the process, fear has crept into my heart and an invisible armor formed around me currently because I do not want to get hurt again…to cut it short..my heart still wants him 100% but my mind is cautious on the next steps I tread…I am also sensitive to his feelings and so obviously out of due respect I have not bothered to chat or call him and so has he from the time we met, till date..
  I have a couple of questions..why does he still have my number? and there are chances of bumping into each other either alone or while we are with our respective gangs because we seem to frequent the same places (another of our compatibility areas)..what should I do in this case if we end up getting to one of these places around the same time…ignore him if I see him unless we make direct eye contact or….? (I am giving one of the options as ignore purely because I do not want to disturb him or cause any confusion in his mind unnecessarily)
  I also want to clarify that my physical appearance was just a curious question and nothing else…I am what I am..I cannot change a physical attribute just to please someone…that would be so unreal in a relationship. I know that he places a higher value on the emotional quotient than physical appearance.
  On being ignored..I have not done anything malicious…we’ve never fought in whatever little time we spoke or met and I’ve been entirely honest with him. Our conversations have floated between being emotional, sensitive, romantic, honest and sensible – I can’t think of anything negative here..
  On life and control – you and I are saying the same thing..I just put it across in a different perspective based on my life experiences. Eg.. I wanted a happy married life where we do things together as a couple..my husband feels happier doing things with his friends…something which he never told me prior to us getting married..I tried talking and convincing and counseling as much as I could but when I realized that bringing him out of that comfort zone to spend time with me was making him less happy..I let go because like I say..life is short and we have control over the path we chose to our happiness with limited control over the person we spend it with..

  By the way..on a lighter note..you make a good Piscean psychologist 🙂
• 

  Veena October 18, 2016

  Sorry…another question…if you were in a similar situation…would you stay in touch or work towards moving on?
• 

  Alan October 19, 2016

  Speaking for myself, if I keep some kind of communication channel open with another person then at minimum that means I am in your life and will be open and prepared to venture whatever the reason is we met in life if you want to think of it in a “spiritual” kind of way. Example, often times people who have helped or inspired me in life I have maintained some form of contact. Even though we wouldn’t necessarily speak all the time as if we were best friends or anything like that I stay engaged with what they openly share with me about their life. Whenever something comes up where I feel I can help then I often come out of nowhere to do so as an example.

  To me that would explain the still having the number part as it is unclear what to do with this “relationship” between you two. To clarify too, by saying “relationship” I am speaking generally as to like what it is that you two provide each other in life. That can be like friends, partners, soulmate, etc. But obviously with what you wrote stuff beyond a friendship seems like a no-go at the moment.

  For the taking the taking the hint part I don’t feel it has to do with contrasting personalities. Because in many ways even I could possibly react the same way if the circumstances were the same. Unless you mean mindset which is what I think the main factor is in this. Example, it’s very easy for people to be criticizing others in a high stressed game show of some sort on how it looks so easy and they can’t believe the contestant can’t do something correctly. However, actually being in the moment and having to actually go through the mental and physical stress is way different than say sitting on a couch where you can actually relax and analyze everything. So give yourself some credit for actually going through the whole experience too. And yes, to me it does sound like a situation for him where it’s like the heart says one thing but the mind says another.

  Trying to imagine if this was me and you bumped into me with all these circumstances, I think ignoring is the wrong way to go. Unless this is what you want, by ignoring you would be telling a person like me that you don’t want me in your life. That would probably result in scenarios such as even if I have your contact I wouldn’t even take initiative to stay engaged with your life anymore. Or in a bigger sense it tells me that your “relationship” with me was not pure where you genuinely liked/appreciated me for who I am. The stereotypical example would be people that add each other as “friends” on social media sites where when they meet in-person they purposely just pretend they didn’t see them. You can imagine how “phoney” one would think the relationship is after that.

  The best thing for you to do I would say personally is to learn and be content to treat the situation as it is at the moment. He is like your friend. So treat him like one. If something changes in life where the relationship will be redefined then you can worry about that. So this is more of a goal for yourself at the moment in terms of your mindset I say.

  For your question about being in a similar situation I am a little unsure if you mean from the perspective of if I was him in this situation or if I was you. So just to cover the basis I will write out my thoughts on both perspectives. First let me try and write it as to how I would interpret it with his mindset.

  If I was him with that scenario and assuming everything about the invisible armour analogy is true then I would simply live life as is while staying in touch with you in the sense of keeping the communication lines open because you never know what may happen. While things may change and life may flow in a way where we will both meet again my hope is you will meet someone that will make you happy for what you need or that the universe would in a sense give me some kind of sign we were meant to be through “coincidence” and such. Again though, my mind would be a go with the flow until something feels and sounds right. It’s almost like waiting for those “ah-ha” moments as they say.

  If it was me as you then personally I would use this whole experience thus far as a way to reflect upon my current way of thinking along with the results that it has gotten me. With that you should have a better understanding on who you are as an individual and to better define why you made the decisions that you have. My personal mindset anyways is that experiences like these often teach you so much about yourself and people in general. In the end we are all human. But it’s interesting to see the paths and choices that people take to become who they are where when you start to really understand people it enables you to accept situations for what they are.

  Therefore, my mindset would be that all these experiences are meant to move you forward. Since there was no animosity of any kind here from what you wrote I would stay in touch in terms of having open contact but not allowing it to stop you from moving forward in life. Generally speaking, standing still means you are limiting your search to find the right person in one place where you are expecting them to like fall on your lap. I guess a funny way to think of it in context of the theme is if you are catching a fish you could technically stay in one spot hoping to catch one or stress out trying to actually chase after it.

  While I am no fishermen, to my knowledge it is more productive to actually go to where the fishes are heading to instead while then presenting the right lure or whatever to catch the type that you want. It’s actually more important like there to understand where that fish is swimming to and if it is an area/stream that you actually desire to go to. Because we have to imagine too in this case you are not only catching the fish but you are essentially choosing to live in whatever environment that it will constantly swim to. So if it is not a match I can imagine each time you try to take the fish out to be in a place that you actually want to spend the rest of your life in it will just keep swimming back to the place it always naturally goes to. If you find that the streams/rivers you go to aren’t producing the types of fishes that you want then it’s time to explore different areas and all I feel. I think in essence it’s the same for a relationship. I usually say too, people shouldn’t ever have to “chase” a person like myself if it is a right fit. Just being yourself in a natural way is all it should really take. Have that natural care and curiosity about one another and everything should naturally unfold to what it was meant to be. Don’t stop moving to where you want to be in life though I say.
• 

  Veena October 22, 2016

  Hi Alan – Thank you for all the clarity…and no my intention is not to ignore so I am keeping my communication lines open as well. I understand what you are saying and like I said before you don’t know what’s ahead of you so its best to just go with the flow that life offers…I am doing that so I don’t become stagnant.
  My question on what you would do if you were in a similar situation was from his perspective and it makes a lot of sense with what you said. I do have one question that was unanswered…and that’s about “missing the person” given that we progressed a little further and he heard me express myself for the first time and I believe that was a motivating factor for him to keep my number instead of deleting, are there chances of him missing me…visiting my profile…go through chats etc…or would it be easy for him to switch off and not think any more about me considering the invisible armor he’s wearing?
• 

  Alan October 22, 2016

  Oh, I believe I did answer the “missing the person” part as I mentioned if it was me I would simply live life while that phone number is just another way of keeping open communication. Basically, it’s no different than missing any other good person/friend in life after. If I am not mistaken you seem to be potentially wondering if it is a missing you in a lover kind of way. As mentioned, if it was me and these factors were true I would just live life and be engaged in your life based on what you are willing to share just like for anyone else. Until as mentioned there is a sign or something that convinces me otherwise to go in a different direction.
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  Veena October 24, 2016

  Thank you Alan for your time and valuable insight! Let’s see what life has to unfold in the days ahead 🙂
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  Veena December 7, 2016

  Hi Alan – I’m back and for obvious reasons 🙂 Where I mark as interpretation of what I think, please let me know if I am right or wrong. Where I mark as a question – please help me with a response…
  I got a text from the pisces guy around end of last month sending me an advanced bday wish…it sounded corny to me and looked like he wanted an excuse to start up a chat (is the interpretation correct?) so I just went with the flow and mentioned my actual birth date so even if he decided to disappear he would take the hint and wish me on the correct date which is end of this month. During the course of the chat he mentioned he was lonely and wanted to go dancing and clubbing and find a girl and if it would work in the city where we live. Question – Was he testing whether I would react angry / jealous or whether I would volunteer to be his date? I responded saying I was lonely too but also told him that if he was looking to pick a girl up then it would work if he was ok for a 1 night stand..and asked him if that was his cup of tea…to this he replied that he really didn’t mind. His replies were upsetting me but I didn’t show them on my msgs..instead I told him about a place where he could meet single women and then he asked if they do only 1 night stands and I told him I have no clue and that maybe the 1 night stand could evolve into a relationship. After that he kept hinting about how he wanted to dance intimately and asked me when I had gone clubbing last. I’ve actually been keeping myself busy and also traveled in between so I told him I had gone clubbing recently…he was really curious and wanted to know what I wore and if I danced intimately etc..I described the dress I wore and told him I didn’t meet anyone but hinted that I would wanna dance like that sometime. He took the hint and began romantically texting me but I had to cut him short as I was on my way to an event…boom he disappeared after that. I feel his physical urge is very high (is the interpretation correct?). Also cut here to one of my messages to you couple of months ago where I mentioned that a girl had asked him to go with her clubbing and I had suggested a club and you had mentioned that it could be a hint for me asking him out..I somehow feel you could be right here because where is that girl now to take him clubbing? and he claimed that he still hadn’t gone clubbing here in the city we live in. I didn’t ask him about that girl cos I didn’t want to sound sarcastic.
  The next day I texted him and asked him if I had said anything wrong and he said a no and that I was super cool…I thought long about his need to meet a random girl…in the sense from all the chats we had had he had given me the impression that he was a very sensitive and emotional person and obviously not the 1 night stand types…so out of concern I texted telling him about an article that I had read where a really sensitive and emotional guy wanted a relationship and if going to a club and meeting a random girl would help and the relationship advisor advised him against doing that if a 1 night stand was not his cup of team..I relayed this info to him and asked him if he was a sensitive and emotional guy and he said not really….I responded back saying if that was the case then its pretty cool and he should go ahead if he wanted…to which he replied that he was pretty busy with work and doesn’t see himself going clubbing…I texted back saying to chill, not work so hard and enjoy life since it was short…he laughed..said ok sure and with that I stopped texting…so please correct me in my interpretation in case I’m wrong…he is actually a very sensitive and emotional person…and is basically trying to confuse me when I attempted to read him – correct? what else is he trying to achieve by doing all this merry go round? and what is it that I should do here? If he’s expecting me to call him out on a date after telling me that he wants to meet a random woman then obviously I’m not going to ask him – it makes me feel cheap actually!
  After a few days of no communication, he appears again..texts me and says he wants to make out with me like boom right into my face…I just went with the flow because I didn’t know what else to do…we exchanged some selfies and I sent him a couple of group pics from the clubbing I did on his insistence cos he so wanted to see my dress..and again boom he disappeared..1 of the pics I sent had me hugging my cousin bro and his wife but he doesn’t know they are related to me…he didn’t ask who it was neither did I volunteer any info..cos he just read and didn’t reply…later in the night I texted him about a really romantic movie that he had seen recently and he wanted me to see it as well..when I told him that I saw it..he just vaguely replied with a mono syllable as if not wanting to pursue conversation..I stopped texting him after my reply to his msg…
  Couple of days ago we had a bit of a unstable scenario in our city that risked riots and offices and shops were getting shut down..I texted him to find out where he was and he responded back saying he was on his way back home and I told him to let me know when he reached..he didn’t acknowledge instead he texted me after reaching home saying that he reached..I just said ok and left it at that…
  So the good part with all the time and gap in my life is that I have been able to get on with normal stuff, move on and focus on my life and travel etc My heart still has the same feelings for him – that has not changed but what I am concerned about is…I do not want to be looked at, as a piece of meat if you know what I mean?! For me there is no point in a physical relationship if there is no emotional connection. I can see that I don’t have his heart still….its like a dog coming to sniff around before marking out the borders and realizes that yes this is a possible territory but can’t be marked out just yet (I don’t mean this as an insult or am not calling him a dog – just giving this as an example that’s all). My question is what should I do? especially since I am currently not in a position to break my marriage…my question is more towards understanding how I should react when he approaches me – so far I have been “going with the flow” but it also hurts me with some of things he does or says. Also it appears there are chances of him dating other women too should the opportunity arise…am I right in saying that?

  Thank you!
• 

  Alan December 8, 2016

  I do believe you are accurate in saying the first text was an excuse to start chatting. I feel the question about the girl was all subtle hints for you to go with him in like a “Well you know I am available” type of routine.

  His reply about the one night stand isn’t too surprising if you remember what I wrote on his belief of a no strings attached relationship. That simply doesn’t match with a person looking for the one type of mindset if that is what you were looking for in him. To me it sounded like you continuing the conversation gave him ideas that maybe you are okay with it too. Yes, you can say he sounds like his physical urge is high. Or as people here would say the guy is “horny” it seems. All mentions of other girls to me sounds like subtle hints for you to hopefully tell him that you want to be that girl instead.

  For the part of the one night stand guy versus the sensitive and emotional person to me it feels like he is saying all that to get your attention. Based on all the facts written so far I would be inclined to say he is telling you the truth where he isn’t really super sensitive and emotional from the standpoint of like a stereotypical “Romeo” if we were to use an example of a character. It doesn’t seem like he is trying to confuse you but rather make you feel guilty/sorry for him to then be with him per se.

  Just to use a crazy unrelated example to make the point think of it like someone who is telling you that they are thinking of jumping off a bridge where they actually had no intent to do it. However, generally speaking I would imagine we would all think for a legitimate situation that is horrible and so we would immediately become attentive to the person while trying to find them better solutions to deal with their problems. So basically by telling you that the hope is you would feel guilty/sorry to the point where you would probably do things like spend the day with them to make sure they don’t do that.

  Now think of it with the same example where he was expecting you to stop him. Instead you actually just told him like “Okay, well if you feel you want to then go ahead.” So now he is kind of shocked as he wasn’t expecting that reaction and so he kind just has to walk away for awhile as he doesn’t really know what else he can do to persuade you.

  What you should do depends on what you want I feel. I am actually confused about your marriage part as I thought you were going through a divorce process at the moment. But generally speaking this sounds very straight forward in the sense of are you going to compromise? Example, value wise it sounds like he has no issue with like “one nightstands” but you do. So like in my mind that should be “the end” for the most part. I am not you of course so it comes down to if you feel he is worth compromising your values for whatever reason.

  Honestly, by the sounds of it you were doing okay just living your life, so to speak, How you react again comes down to if you are willing to adapt to him and his lifestyle choices first and foremost. Would think you would have to worry about those riots more at the moment too by the sounds of it…… Hope all is well with that.
• 

  Veena December 11, 2016

  The riots were minimal and we are all safe – thank you for enquiring Alan..
  To cut a long story short on my marriage…6 yrs ago, yes, I had asked for a divorce, but it didn’t go to the extent of initiating a legal proceeding. I told my husband after our marriage counseling sessions (we attended some sessions and then he stopped coming saying he wasn’t too comfortable on attending and that we could work things out between us) that I would give him a year to change if he really wanted to make things work, but there was minimal improvement and in the process I was also counseled to realize that having the family (his side) and friends (his side again) that I had grown to love over the years and who had been supporting me more than him knowing full well that he was in the wrong was more important and that these relationships were not going to be the same in the event of a divorce. I’ve thought about it, weighed the pros and cons and took the decision to stick on in the marriage for the sake of these people (I’ve had several memorable moments with them and continue to experience happiness with them). We tried making it work 2 yrs ago until early this year but the truth is we are better off as best friends…it’s like we are living in a cocoon with the comfort zone of providing each other with the essentials and devoid of intimacy. We lead independent lives under the same roof and come together for family and social gatherings. We share things and laugh and joke and discuss just as 2 best friends would do but we do not do things together as a couple or soulmates would do. After careful consideration, I have also decided that should he find someone that he wants to spend the rest of his life with then I would be ready to let go, give that divorce and move on. So the uncertainty of whether I would remain married or not still remains..
  Right now I crave for an emotional bond…a soul mate. I am open to being intimate as well. My conscience is clear that I have done what it takes to make my marriage work so like I mentioned before no one can question me. Having said this, you are right I am not open to one night stands and on-off relationships. I want to be connected to my soul mate consistently, share things, do things together etc. This is what I am expecting from the Piscean guy as well (let’s call him Pete for conversation ease). I’ve been completely honest with him from the beginning and he is aware of all these facts in my marriage. I also know that me still being married is why he is hesitating to have that relationship with me. I know it’s really complicated. As a person, I prefer having straight forward conversations…I am bad at taking hints and sometimes it takes a person like you for example to shine that light brightly in front of me and help interpret things. Question – why would he talk to me in clues and hints when we had started our chats being straightforward and honest. I mean…we were really transparent with each other initially and all of a sudden after I called him he turns out to be this mysterious guy with his emotions all guarded.
  If I have conveyed a wrong interpretation of myself as a person, then I want to set that right Alan. I want to have that open conversation and tell him I am bad at taking hints, that I am not a one night stand person, that I can’t handle on-off relationships, that I am a sensitive and emotional person, that I do not want to be a stand in, till he finds someone and remind him of what I am looking for in my soul mate and that I still have the same level of feelings for him and would love to spend time with him and ask him if he still is that person I am looking for. Based on that, if he confirms that he is not in line with my expectations, then I am ok to let go and signify it as “the end”. I don’t want to signify an end prior to the conversation because in my opinion it isn’t fair to assume when the direct conversation hasn’t really happened. I hesitate to message him because of the indifferent tone he gives to the messages sometimes – replying in monosyllables etc…especially when it’s me initiating the conversation…that sort of is a signal to me that says “I am unapproachable” please clarify in case I am mis-interpreting over here.
  So I’ve told you what I want Alan. Now you tell me…would it be a good idea for me to initiate that chat and take this conversation forward? Or should I lie low till he messages me again and then I initiate it at that point of time? Also, if you were him what would you do if I initiated that chat and told you all these things? Stay in touch in the “friend” sort of way like you described to me before or delete my number for good?
• 

  Alan December 13, 2016

  For the parts about your marriage I would actually be curious if you ever actually asked like the family members directly on how things would change if the marriage were to end per se. To me it seems a little odd if say they all agree that it’s your husband’s fault where he in sense refuses to change yet they would say insist in you staying in a place where you aren’t happy. It would make me wonder what the motivation in that would be as it doesn’t feel like it’s about you if you are clearly expressing that you aren’t happy. Or at minimum if they are helping you a lot maybe the real help they should be giving is to focus their energy to see if your husband will change.

  Now for “Pete” my take on it with what you shared would be at first it was so straight forward because the intent was “pure and straight forward” in the sense of he wanted to just learn about you. But now he actually wants some kind of action where he doesn’t feel it’s appropriate to be straight on about. Example, it can be like the marriage situation as you mentioned or the “one night stand” mentality. So instead he relies on subtle hints in hopes you take some kind of action where he doesn’t have to feel fully responsible for the decision if that makes sense.

  Let’s think of it like this. Pretend you and I just met. At first you are so straight forward and natural around me as you genuinely just wanted to get to know me as much as possible. During this time let’s say you found out that I was the only one in the area that could create like clean drinking water which you need. However, there is a huge issue with us. The community I live with just happens to despise the community you live with where in-turn it would be like me helping you will create conflict to the point where I will start fearing for my life. So therefore, despite me wanting to help you that fear causes both of use to keep our distance.

  So imagine now you are really thirsty and I am the one that can help. At the same time all those repercussions of me giving you the water still lingers in your head. What would you do? I am literally in-front of you. Like for most people there they wouldn’t dare to ask directly. They would probably just drop hints of sorts constantly that they are thirsty per se. They know the person can give them what they need at that moment but the circumstance makes it inappropriate to ask directly. Hopefully that make sense. I would wager if I talked to someone in that mindest they would always just give mono answers and such too as they can’t directly say what they really want.

  With that said I don’t feel with what you wrote that you have say given him the wrong impression where he thinks you are like unapproachable. On the contrary at this point I would say you have given the perfect impression of yourself where he understands enough about you to know that asking for what he wants out of you is not appropriate per se.

  If what you need is verbal confirmation then in my opinion I don’t see why you shouldn’t just bring it up per se. In my opinion personally the actions speak louder than words though. As well, like for many things with what you wrote I think it’s accurate to say you aren’t assuming where he is okay with a no strings attached type of relationship whereas that’s not you as you want relationships to be meaningful. So one important thing is I feel you need to have a clear goal here in what information you want in the sense of when you get the answer there can be no benefit of doubt and such. Otherwise what I would be a little concerned about is the possibility that because you are craving for this emotional bond you may be more lenient to overlook certain details. It’s probably best to wait until he initiates the chat where that gives you the perfect opportunity to “clarify” what he means.

  If I was that guy with the presumption that his way of thinking is accurate then you initiating the chat would probably put me in the same “distance” mode until you actually show me you are literally gone in the sense of you are actually seeing someone else sort of deal. Because to my understanding he knows you are really into him and there is a “chance” in a way. The number deletion would only really occur if you somehow pose a threat for his other life opportunities.
• 

  Veena December 15, 2016

  Hi Alan, so a cyclonic storm that broke out a few days ago prompted me to initiate a chat with Pete to find out if he was doing ok much before I could get your response, so the city lost network and power and I never got to read your reply until today. I will come to the details of our chat in a bit..
  I live in a country where married women hold a higher respect status than a divorcee in the society. While divorce rates are on the rise and thought processes are slowly changing to accept that, it will take awhile for all of our society to entirely view and accept a divorcee on the same level as a married person. Having said that, few close family members are aware and while they will accept me as I am should I go in for a divorce, the dynamics of the relationship within the family is bound to change if I chose to take the divorce…eg. in the current scenario, I can meet them individually and within family occasions and its fun bonding but should I take the divorce then it wouldn’t make sense for me to be a part of those family occasions, the dynamics of the relationship would change and awkwardness on staying in touch would put them in a spot as in my country, family holds very high value and people stand up for their blood relation even if he / she committed a mistake as in they will take the initiative to make the marriage work which they did try at the time when I asked for the divorce but will finally go with what decision he makes in the end…
  So on the day of the storm, I initiated a message to find out if Pete was doing ok and he replied immediately that all was fine and one thing led to another and we ended up chatting the whole day and night. Strangely the storm was at its worst but we didn’t lose network until the next day after the storm crossed over – advantage for us to have that chat. He was his true honest self and opened his heart out..just like he did on the first couple of days we had met and this also gave me an opportunity to voice out what I had in mind. So you are right Alan, it appears he does not mind on-off dating casually, not a relationship per se…apparently he had hooked up with a girl and gone on a date in these 2 weeks since our last intimate conversation..it didn’t go well with me..I was kinda hurt to hear that and he sensed it and kept asking me if I felt uncomfortable on hearing that, and that the girl he was dating was going to leave town, that he had just recently met her and gone out twice, that it was casual dating, that he was single and not in a relationship with her and that he’s ok with casually dating 1 or 2 but wouldn’t do this if he was in a committed relationship. So that gave me an opportunity to tell him that I ain’t as cool as him and that I was lonely, I’m a one-man-woman, I was seeking a soul mate, someone who I could connect with frequently and thanked him for being honest as that holds top most regard on my list. So he told me out rightly that he couldn’t be in a relationship with me..I told him I understand and was bracing myself for signifying “the end” to him when he started his “hint” conversations..lol. I think I’m learning on taking hints and probably hinting back too 😀 cos he kept asking me if this was the end and if I was going to look for someone and I kept hinting to him that my communication lines were open in the sense I told him that I’ve never “looked” for someone my whole life and that I’ve always been “found’ or “approached” and that I would keep myself busy with things I have a control over and see who finds me and who knows either things will change and one of us may cross over to the other side or we may find partners that meet our preferences and that life has a lot to unfold and so let’s enjoy the journey. He regretted that he hadn’t taken me out and was very romantic throughout and for the first time he expressed that he loves me and even asked me how we could make the relationship long term. I told him nothing is in our hands and I can’t put a timeline or an end date so I told him maybe till he gets married for an example (cos when he out rightly said he can’t be in a relationship and stay frequently in touch he mentioned work, family, friends and maybe his marriage ahead as reasons – hes currently not thinking of getting married but may do so in the next few years)…but he explained that he didn’t want to get into a relationship so I told him its not a problem and when he insisted again on confirming that we were in different lanes, I hinted with things may change and one of us may cross over bit…(see above) to which he replied “True lines. Adore it” that was his last message to me and I did not reply back after that. I chose not to..
  During our romantic bit, I made it a point to let him know that I had gone on a solo vacation all by myself and done a trek and the funny part was…nowhere in our conversation did he mention about me being married as a problem to us going on a date. It looked like it didn’t pose a problem to him any longer and he deeply regretted not taking me out. I responded back saying it was good in a way as I didn’t want to get hurt if after we had dated I realized that his approach to our relationship was casual and not dedicated and that at this point of time its nice and sweet and so if we bump into each other at a common place it would be nice to say a hello instead of pretending non-existence and ignoring due to the awkwardness – he agreed with that and also mentioned that he was not the type to fight and I confirmed back that I wasn’t that type either but didn’t want any awkwardness because we both were on different lanes. So moral of the story..we’ve acknowledged that we are on 2 different lanes and it may not be appropriate to take this forward in this situation. I will keep my communication channels open and move on with what life has to unfold ahead for me – if we are meant to be together or not is left to be seen 🙂 I think he is doing the same too cos he expressed several times that he loves me and that he would miss me..what do you think? are the hints I made to him obvious?
• 

  Alan December 15, 2016

  Holy smokes. Is it that cyclone Vardah? If so again I would imagine pondering over what a guy is thinking would be the last thing on your mind. Stay safe.

  To me it sounded like you handled everything like a pro. From the way he is too it feels like he got the message. This is really subjective but I feel the part where he said he loves you feels too “scripted” based on the actions thus far. Almost like it’s more of a technical way to keep the connection on a good note as opposed to it coming purely from the heart if that makes sense. That’s just my opinion of course based on the details so far and at this point I don’t think it matters too much as it is more about what you want in life and the direction you want to go.
• 

  Veena December 16, 2016

  bang on..it is cyclone vardah 🙂 since we were forewarned about it, we were stocked up and safe indoors..the city underwent quite a bit of damage and restoration work is currently on..life is slowly resuming back to normal..

  You are right, his “I love you” didn’t seem from his heart but it was nice to hear him express that to me for the first time and it also appeared as a bid to kind of convince me to change my mind..I’m not sure. I am glad we ended the conversation on a sweet note…

  Thank you 🙂
• 

  Veena March 19, 2017

  Hello Alan…so Pete has been back n forth in touch with me since my last message to you…we flirt a bit n then he’s off but the intensity has been building stronger each time till he finally asked me out on a date. As I was traveling, I couldn’t make it…maybe kinda good in a way I guess cos I learnt fairly recently that he flirts with another woman same time as in it appears to be one week me and one week her. That made me feel pretty bad cos I dont want to be an option in his life and while I thanked and appreciated him for being honest I also expressed that it took away the special feeling I had felt all along. We kind of drifted away on that note but few days later was his birthday and I sent him a very sweet message..nothing flirty but it was a sweet long bday message and I also mentioned that I would not be in a position to call and wish as I was traveling on an emergency and I would come back n call. 2-3 days later I read his messages on whatsapp and it was quite formal…just a thank you and hope u have a safe trip. That took away the feeling from me that it didn’t matter to him whether I called or not (am I right in assuming this?) and so I jus apologised for reading his messages late. He said a no problem and hope all was ok. Since he sounded formal I jus said all was ok but did not explain what the emergency was about (should I have still gone ahead and mentioned what my emergency was? Cos when he didn’t wish me for my bday and he called 2 weeks later to wish me he apologised and mentioned that he had lost his grandmother and that’s why he was away and couldn’t wish). I thought this ended our conversation but he ended up sending me bday pics and they were quite funny so I gave him some casual comments but I noticed that he took a couple of days to reply just as I had taken couple of days to reply to his thank u msg. I am not sure if this is a tit for tat kind of stuff that he’s doing..do pisceans do tit for tat? But he did end up sending another funny bday pic and I complimented him actually on that for which I got an immediate reply and then it kind of sedated out. So its been 2 days now since I heard from him. 98% of the time its been him to get in touch vs me taking the effort. I also know that his attraction for me is highly sexual like 90-10 where 90% is sexual and 10% emotional.
  While he’s open to flirting with other women and once when we nearly parted ways when I spoke to him about wanting to be found by someone who wants to be in a relationship with me…he sounded possessive and kept asking questions like what am I gonna do to find that man and whether anyone has been approaching me and when I told him a yes and that there are lot of men approaching me..he wanted to know when where and how all details and asking me to be cautious. I am almost certain he didn’t like the sound of it but am not sure…what do u think?
• 

  Alan March 21, 2017

  I actually had to look up what “tit for tat” was. One factor with what you wrote which may be relevant is how all those responses are in the form of like text. The problem with that can be people tend to interpret them very subjectively based on like your personal mood. So with him answering formally you can be potentially reading too much into it. But as I always say, with things like that what you can evaluate are things like the speed in which the person responds.

  Whether or not you should explain what your emergency was is dependent on whether or not you want his presence in your life per se as opposed to his interest in you if that makes sense. If anything I personally feel if the person is genuinely into you then they should naturally just want to ask you about your life and details. Now if you just plain shut them out of that then that is different as you are telling them to not cross a zone.

  For the “tit for tat”, if I am understanding the definition correctly, to me it’s usually about giving equal or more emotional investment based on what the other gives. If I knew you purposely say blew me off or whatever during a time of need then I would say in that context yes a person like me would probably not take the time for you too. But in terms of say message delays I would say no in the sense of if I genuinely cared and such for you then I would be motivated to still reply and such as soon as possible whenever I hear from you. Why wouldn’t if I like say trust and value you? It’s when I know you say purposely put me aside where I feel your value of me in your life isn’t the same that I would start backing off to the point where I need to see the person genuinely put some energy into it.

  To me if you say you know he is flirting with other woman and are certain this is 90% sexual then rationally doesn’t that mean you know what you are getting with him at the moment? Combine that with what we talked about before with his no strings attached mentality which you disagree with. To me it all still equals to this is a guy if you what to have “fun” with. But because that isn’t your thing I actually personally don’t see why don’t just in a sense close him in the chapter of romance in many ways at the moment. In the end it’s always going to be the same guy just carrying around a different package for the day.
• 

  Veena March 21, 2017

  Oh sorry…Tit for tat means when a person mimicks an assumed negative behavior in order to get even with that person..eg. in this case I took 2 days to read and reply to his messages on whatsapp..though it was not intentional and it was due to the emergency. I apologised to him for the delay but did not tell him what the emergency was about…he said no problem sent me those bday pics and my comments to those pics were read by him only after 2 days even though he had come online several times during those 2 days. So that was kind of ignoring me and I felt like he was doing a tit for tat assuming that I did not give him importance…hope its clear now..

  The reason I chose to still be in touch is that somewhere I instinctively feel he has a connection with me eg..in our conversations he has confided his weaknesses (I’m pretty surprised by those confessions as you need to really trust someone to confide to that level) and takes a lot of advice from me. At the same time, he’s really asked me a lot of questions on the men who’ve approached me and when I ask the same kind of questions of the girls he flirts with he says he doesn’t ask these questions to them (at this juncture, I don’t think I got a reply to my question in my previous message Alan in the last about him being possessive – I find it strange that he asks me a lot more emotional questions and just a couple of questions with the other women. I don’t ask names or any other private info about them cos I respect protecting their privacy) but is honest about telling me where and how he met them. I’ve also noticed that he doesn’t get in too deep with them based on the details he’s given me eg. even if he’s kissed a girl he doesn’t want to take it to the next level because he didn’t like certain things in them. So to sum it up, he hasn’t met anyone that he likes as much as me to want to take it further (again this is my observation based on all our conversations). He’s also confided saying that he wants to meet someone and build that trust and get into a relationship and commit eventually…its too early for me to say if that girl will be me or not (I’m not thinking about it either). In essence I have seen him test me, assess me and even irritate me too, to see how I react and to all of these I’ve been totally matured and sedate that he told me once that it’s rare to find someone who is really cool and matured as me….lol..if only he read all my messages to you…thanks to you for helping me understand him better and behave sane with him! all credit to you 🙂
• 

  Veena March 21, 2017

  A very belated happy birthday to you Alan…hope you had a wonderful day. Wish you an awesome year filled with love, peace, good health and happiness! 🙂
• 

  Alan March 22, 2017

  Okay, that means I did have the correct idea of the meaning of that. If you say you know he logged in and didn’t reply right away then similar to what I mentioned the takeaway should be his response time as realistically it does answer what you ultimately want to know in a sense I feel. It ultimately comes down to wanting to know what his attitude is towards you. Instead of trying to interpret the text for that which can be more complex the response time is the easier way I feel. Basically, assuming there was no other valid reason that means he doesn’t truly value the connection I would say.

  Just as general commentary too I always say base it on the actions. Because like in the extreme end of things as I mention to other people everything you wrote that he does can easily be a form of manipulation in many ways. Like saying the good perspective of the person asking you about your life is because they want to see how they can connect with you and make things better. On the other end another person can do that to find weak points to enter. I can’t say 100% how he is as an example as I don’t know him, but I just personally know even from personal experience you can literally find someone that looks and talks in the same manner with the fundamental difference being the values and intent. The only real way to screen it out effectively is through consistent actions. Like saying keep tabs if you consistently get physically sick from eating that apple that looks perfectly good in so many ways.

  That would indirectly answer your question about him being possessive as you say. Like there it could mean he is super insecure as he wants you to just cherish him only as he is pouring his heart out or he is agitated that he is losing control over you. The only real way to decipher it I feel is through one’s actions. As well, am I not mistaken that you don’t know exactly what he truly says to the other women all the time correct? If so I wouldn’t invest too much personally on the thought that he may be more open to you per se because realistically we don’t exactly know.

  The part about not wanting to learn specifics about the women he has been with is a tricky topic as that is a personal choice. In my mind though you should try and verify some kind of detail. Just a general simple example if you asked “Oh, what was her name” then the person shouldn’t have any issues with that. If they start avoiding that then I would wonder why because I feel in your case with his current actions details like those are important. That’s different than “what is her phone number and address” sort of deal.

  I sincerely hope as an example you are in a mindset where you can just cut him off if that makes sense if you see the sign that tells you to do so immediately as opposed to being married to the idea that if you give it enough time he will change. Otherwise it may end up in a similar type of situation that you expressed in the beginning where in many ways you stay without receiving that true love that you are looking for.

  Thank you as well for the birthday wishes. 🙂
• 

  Veena March 22, 2017

  So that’s what I had decided too Alan… to part ways politely and move on next time he got in touch with me…I thought he wouldn’t get in touch till a couple of weeks or more but he got in touch with me yesterday and he apologized again for being in an extremely busy schedule all of last week. Of course I am not convinced by that answer and its just an excuse to start up another chat with me. This gave me an opportunity to also mention I was busy too and explained my emergency situation. He empathized with the situation and showed concern. We kept chatting and he was clear on wanting to meet me on a date and here is when I expressed my disinterest to move forward. He was initially saying he was not going to change and accepted that he flirted but said that I was complicating matters since he did not take any of the other relationships to the next level and was not thinking about it in the near future. I guess his tone sounded irritated and finally he said its totally my choice and then he asked if we would ever meet or speak to each other in the future and if this is the end and I said I have no clue and I cannot predict the future.
  The problem is I still like him a lot…what do I like about him? On the emotional side… the fact that he is genuine, honest, kind and slowly building his trust in me. Have I changed as a person since the first time I approached you with this problem? Yes – I’ve matured from a crazy emotional person to someone who is more in control of her emotions and am asking myself constantly whats the worst that would happen should I decide to take it forward. The fact is, we are going to constantly behave like a see-saw and a now-you-see-me-now-you-don’t kind of a situation if I don’t go on that date with him, unless I tell him explicitly that I want nothing to do with him anymore and I don’t have the courage to do it simply because I still like him so have decided to meet him but am mentally prepared to move on should things not work out well post our date. I am at peace with that decision for now! and no I’m not hoping that he will change – Yes I am seeing him move in that direction but am not waiting or hoping..I have just left it to time..maybe we both may move on with our respective lives. I am not gonna strain my brain thinking into the future of this relationship. What do you think? 🙂
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  Alan March 23, 2017

  I would imagine the worst that can happen is you could naturally adapt to be with the person out of curiosity. Then eventually even though not everything is ideal you will stick with it because similar to say how you feel it’s tough to just say leave him now because you really like him it will be the same thing later on too unless he does something extreme. So the bad thing there of course is you would be blocking out other people who may be more ideal where your time could be investing in that instead.

  But if you are super positive that you are 100% in control of your emotions then that isn’t really relevant as to me it would imply your date with him would be no different than meeting a friend.
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  Veena March 30, 2017

  You have a point Alan…thank you for that piece of insight, I did not think of the angle where there could be a possibility of him cashing in on my weakness. If I do go on that date with him, its not like meeting a friend..that’s for sure…it will be a special occasion…that said…I know I can move on…problem is there isn’t a concrete reason for us to part ways even when I tell him we should due to our different goals….he is now in constant touch with me…and I don’t know how long the fairy tale will last. So I am wondering if I tell him a lie and say I’ve met someone who I want to get into a relationship with…build a story accordingly…will that help to part amicably? (How would you react if the same was told to you? and does the impact make a difference if it is told to you before or after the date?) I hate the thought of lying to him or hurting him but can’t think of another way…
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  Alan April 1, 2017

  I am a little confused with that saying personally where you mentioned how there isn’t a concrete reason to part ways even though your goals are different. Isn’t that a pretty important reason? In my view too parting ways here shouldn’t mean like you two are now completely ignoring each other. But rather if you know the goals and values are too different from a relationship perspective then in my opinion that’s a pretty big reason to realistically part ways romantically is it not?

  I don’t think you should need to lie honestly and nor do I think that is the right way to go. Because that would also mean you never truly resolved your feelings and such authentically where you will probably just run back with a “what if” type of mentality. Oddly enough with your question if you told me that I would probably be curious and ask you a bunch of questions and analyze everything from your tone of voice and such to see if you are misleading me or what the real motivation for saying that is. That could make the situation awkward.

  At this point I would be inclined to say go on the date if you agreed already but have the mindset that again you are clear that you aren’t the “option” type of person or “just wants to have fun” for a romantic relationship. Generally speaking that would mean no kissing or touching of sorts I would imagine too. If you are cutting it then it shouldn’t be a lie and it should be done before the date. In my personal opinion, if he isn’t truly what you want but you are extremely firm in terms of your values then he will part ways assuming he was inauthentic to begin with. But as of now he even sees that you continue to in a sense stick with him despite you saying you hate certain things. So why wouldn’t he continue? You have an enormous amount of control here to dictate where it goes.
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  Veena April 1, 2017

  I see it as a concrete reason to part ways Alan…he doesn’t…he feels I am complicating things. The problem is he is probably seeing things only from his point of view and not mine that’s why he is telling me not to complicate matters because he likes me a lot and that’s what matters. Yes I see that he’s probably insecure about losing me and I’ve been putting up with the things I don’t like about him and still being sweet to him coupled with the fact that I haven’t met anyone else and he’s been the only one so far – he is cognizant to all of this and probably using this to hold onto me. Our date I know for sure will involve consensual intimacy so ok I won’t lie and will just state the facts cos I am clear that I don’t wanna be taken for granted and I am clear on my goal. I will do this before the date happens.

  Thank you for your guidance! 🙂
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  Veena April 3, 2017

  Question..what did you mean by him being inauthentic? I know the meaning but didn’t understand the context..
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  Alan April 4, 2017

  Oh, by inauthentic in context here it’s like assuming the bottom line goal here for him was to “have fun” such as physical intimacy. Ultimately that means everything said from him was for that goal as opposed to the foundation of he was actually looking for the serious genuine relationship first. So if that was his main intent then the bottom line is if he gets the clear message with no and ifs or buts that he can’t even say kiss or touch you without being in an actual serious and committed relationship then he will leave. But if he knows you are always willing to compromise and that there is always a chance then why wouldn’t he continue based on his original goal?
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  Veena April 4, 2017

  Ok..got it..

  So I chatted with him and communicated that I did not want to continue. He asked me the reason and I told him that I felt the emotional vacuum and my mind seemed to be blocking out the prospect of meeting anyone cos I have him on my mind. He told me he respected my feelings and asked if we could remain friends…I told him I’m ok to remain friends.
  So his request for wanting to remain friends brings up a question… When he first parted ways with me I had asked him if we could remain friends and he had said considering we had spoken intimate it didn’t make sense to remain friends and I told him I respected his decision and we had parted ways on that note. We’ve been all romantic and intimate over phone and chats all these months and now he doesn’t want to let go of me and instead wants to remain friends…I don’t understand why…
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  Alan April 6, 2017

  It would make sense to me with what you said where you were the “option” where back then he just felt his other “options” were satisfying enough. As his “options” have dwindled a bit he then decided to pay more attention to you. As well, if you think about it before it sounds like he clearly knew you were still into him so your goodbye wasn’t real to him in the sense of “it’s over” when it comes to a relationship. So the staying away at that moment is more for self-image and control. At the same time pressure for you to cave in with an “all or nothing” kind of ultimatum.

  I would say now he still doesn’t really believe you are 100% serious based on the past. But since you initiated the “it’s over” type of routine he essentially has to ask if you can stay friends to maintain that “possibility” because based on history he feels you will go back. Just comes down to being consistent now. This is all my opinion of course, but to me it makes sense this way with everything that has been said. Bottom line is he will let go if you truly let go.
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  Veena April 6, 2017

  Thanks for that Alan…so what does letting go mean here? As in if I say I truly wanna part ways and having nothing to do with him anymore.. Is that what u meant?

  So we had our first chat as “friends” he initiated the chat and it was a totally “friendly” conversation. I also felt like I was being assessed and at the same time he was trying to share a bit more of his life with me by telling me about his weekend plans. Assess in the sense for eg. He asked me how I would react if a random guy walked over to me said a hi told me I look beautiful and wanted to exchange numbers. My reply was that…I would thank the guy for the compliment but taking the conversation to the next level or exchanging numbers would not happen immediately and would be purely based on my comfort level with him after assessing him. Not once during our entire chat whole day did he flirt or be romantic…neither did I. He has a talent for mimicry and sent me a VN dedication in a famous actors voice complimenting on my profile picture… It was funny and cute..
  Romantic in a way but not flirty.
  So here are my questions..
  1. As a piscean is it easy to just switch over from this romantic flirty person to being a friend? I can see he is holding back on his emotions but I would like to know is it possible to be a true friend after sharing so much intimacy (even though its all been virtual)
  2. What happens if I find someone I want to be in a relationship with and let him know about it. Will he want to part ways or will he stick on out of curiosity to see how it goes or will he be a true friend cherishing the person that I am. On the outset he is a good human being so even if I lose the attraction for him as a result, I wouldn’t want to lose him as a friend as I also feel quite comfortable discussing about any topic because of the honesty and transparency we share. Hence this question to you…
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  Alan April 8, 2017

  Letting go in my view would mean you don’t crave in any way for a couple’s relationship type of action or expectation for him at all. In many ways it’s like saying it’s one thing to stop taking a drug as you know it’s not for good you. It’s another thing to have virtually no temptation or desire to even welcome it into your body with the way you know it is. You can have it next to you and such if you want if you feel it offers some kind of value that way. But even then a lot of people will still have “what ifs” and such. Like there that isn’t truly letting go in the sense of how I am expressing it and the person can usually see that too.

  The switching over part I would say similarly comes down to his authenticity from before. If sharing all those intimate moments was simply more strategic to reach his goal then yes it should be super easy for him to switch back and forth as he wasn’t truly giving himself fully to you if that makes sense. Just speaking for myself, if I honestly gave myself to you fully and your reciprocation afterwards was that you wanted to explore other people per se I would probably be gone pretty much as my personal definition of like opening up is truly like a heart on a sleeve. But if I was never truly there then I can easily see that potential scenario of switching back and forth.

  In my personal opinion it sounds like he would stick at it still even if you found someone else as asking you questions right now such as how you would react to a guy asking for your number implies to me personally he still thinks he has a chance. From what I gather with what you wrote it’s not until you literally say find another person and dedicate your time to them consistently where he will potentially be more of just the “friend”.

  Would he still support you and stuff after? Only time will tell with that as it’s almost like asking the question if you made all your friends while you were rich now will they still be your friend when you are poor? Again, it boils down to how authentic he truly was I feel.
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  Veena April 8, 2017

  Well…if he was to give me his whole then there wouldn’t be a need for me to look elsewhere would there? And obviously I wouldn’t too. So I see this like a round robin catch 22 situation…where we are both hoping that the other would possibly cross over to be on the same side…
  So our friendly chats continue with him still being the one to initiate and its funny that he’s now kind of filling in the emotional vacuum for me but cautiously and I have my armor on too and I’m treading cautiously as well..
  So if you were in his shoes and given that you now know about me better (he even expressed once quite recently that he was very comfortable with me now, unlike before when he first met me) what would it take for you to build something serious with me (he is not keen on marriage in general which is fine with me)
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  Alan April 10, 2017

  I think you may be misinterpreting my point about like say me completely giving myself to another. That’s not to evaluate your personal actions but rather his as a key way in trying to evaluate his authenticity towards you that you aren’t a “just for fun option” as we discussed. Basically, I am saying from my personal view I wouldn’t be able to just turn it on and off like that if I was truly 100% there. Hence, meaning I don’t feel based on what you wrote he was ever truly 100% authentic with you.

  That’s what I mean too about letting go where if you mention you still have hope that like say he will cross over then you didn’t let go. Like with the drug analogy even though you have technically quit it per se it would be like a person constantly being alert on the news hoping that some doctor or someone around the world will say one good thing about that drug so that you can justify taking it again right away. Like there if the drug had feelings and senses it would of course stay next to you as it knows you didn’t truly let go. Hopefully that makes sense.

  With your question, if I was technically him which means I have the “inauthentic” mindset per se then to build something serious means I would need to in a sense try out the product as much as possible with no commitment to then evaluate if I want to stay with it. I think an analogy would be like buying something from a store. Now normally a “serious” person like me has a mindset that you have to commit to a purchase first before you get to keep and fully have it in your life. I would do a ton of research about the products, evaluate what’s best for the long-term and then make the purchase. I plan to take care and cherish it until the end.

  He on the other hand wants to try everything. He wants to “buy it” and try it for a few days and then return it if he doesn’t like it. He will keep doing this until maybe he finds the one he wants. Now even though the store has a “no returns once opened” policy he will basically try and convince the store owner to do it anyways. Worst case scenario he will tell them that he is buying it to keep for sure only to then afterwards realize he doesn’t want it anymore. So he then brings it back to the store with like a fake excuse such as saying he was given a faulty product and so forth as the bottom line is he was lying about wanting to keep it as he just wanted to try it.

  Like there you can argue yes there is a chance that even though the person was lying, once he tries it he may actually want to keep it. In my opinion that is a huge risk. I mean the bottom line is that comes down to personal preference. Like with the store example there are some stores that welcome returns on opened and used merchandise. Same thing like with say sex and physical intimacy where there are people who are fully for say having sex right away as to them it’s just a normal thing to do that they want to evaluate before committing to a relationship.

  If I was to change your question of “what would it take to build something serious” with you with this store analogy basically it comes down to changing or compromising your store policy for this person. Or in context to your situation basically adjusting your personal values on how you define what a person can or can’t do with you before committing.
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  Veena April 12, 2017

  Ok..it makes sense…as I recollect him saying this at least a couple of times that he is hoping to find, trust and build a relationship, commit to a girl over a period of time and he was mentioning that if it comes out of his crushes or flings it would be great. No I do not want to be tried or tested in sex to figure whether he can build something concrete with me as I always believe its important for a strong emotional compatibility before getting into bed with someone. I am a demi-sexual so I work along those lines.
  Yes I truly haven’t let go and only time will tell if I am able to do it based on what life has to offer for me and I am not stopping myself on the path ahead…. I am curious however to see how he will build this friendship as 90% of our conversations have always been intimate..
  Thank you once again Alan for your insight and patience and all the clarity you’ve given so far..