Will he come back?

Kirstie Asks:

I met a pisces guy at work. One of my colleagues had a crush on him, so me and another friend tryed to set them up. We gave him a lift home and i was under the impression that he liked my friend too. So, when i reached home, i had a friend request on fb. I was surprised! It was him, i accepted his friend request and we started a conversation. He is 20 years old, i am older than him. I told him that it would never work. I was in a relationship at the time but , that relationship was comming to an end.

He was always there for me, and you mentioned smoking, he doesn’t like women that smoke either but he didn’t care that i was a heavy smoker. He used to do everything for me, we were chatting, complementing me, he stood up for me, we never had sex. We only kissed. We had our first arguement because i didn’t believe in his love, and didn’t know wether to end my relationship that i had or not as i wanted children. He even wanted to have children. We argued and he’s been very cruel. After 3 days, he invited me to go for a walk, as angry as i was with him, i went. He was so happy and excited, i felt the same way. I knew i was falling for him.

We had our beautiful love story back. We had our second fight, and he blocked me everywhere, fb, instagram, whatsapp, and i texted him, called him, and he rejected my call. After a while he asked me how i dared to text him, and told him that i don’t hold grudges and wanted to see if he’s ok. And he told me to never contact him again. I don’t understand. He fought for me so much, done so many things, he’s been through a lot of hard times because of me, he even ignored my smoking habbit just to leave in the end??? Why is he being rude? Will he ever come back? Or what can i do? Should i just let him go?

Kirstie,

Based on what you wrote it sounds like he entered the relationship with the mindset that he is sacrificing a lot for you if that makes sense. Like in your situation, you may interpret him overlooking your smoking habit as a sign of undeniable care and love considering he hates it. To me, that would actually say that he is entering the relationship with a very unsure and indecisive mindset about you as it’s like how one has never really confirmed if it truly can’t work out per se.

It’s almost like the feeling a person gets where for years they have never been in a relationship as they have a pretty defined vision on what the ideal mate for them should be like. Because they are still single, fear kicks in that they will never find the right person and so they start to make compromises as to what they can try and tolerate. To me, this actually makes perfect sense with the reactions that were given.

In many ways, I can easily see the scenario where he wasn’t truly happy in the relationship when it came to things that he sort of compromised on to be with you. However, he will look like a complete hypocrite/jerk if he just outright now said that he really isn’t okay with it. Therefore, they stick with it like a job but all that resentment just piles up where in their mind it’s like they are sacrificing so much to be with you. So it becomes like a “how dare you” attitude whenever you accuse them of things like not truly loving you. Cause again, in one’s mind it’s like “You know I hate this yet I do this for you” sort of mindset.

Actually, think of it like working at a job that you don’t truly like in every way. Say you hate handling greasy stuff, which the manager clearly understood, yet you decide to overlook that to work at a place that requires you to do that because you want a job. During your employment you find that it seems tolerable. The company seems happy with your presence and feels that you have grown to love it. For yourself, you even go out of your way to promote the company as well when others give it a bad review. In many ways, them insulting the company is like them insulting you since you are with them.

Then one day the manger says to you he doesn’t believe that you truly love the job you are doing and therefore can’t see you growing with the company into a higher position. What would your reaction be? For a lot of people, they will simply react with guns blazing as they know themselves they sacrificed a lot of personal wants to work at this job as well as doing like things to help it grow. Therefore it’s an insult that even though it’s true that you don’t really like everything about the job the company should be going out of its way to make you happy just like how you are going out of your way to be able to work for them in that position.

I could say the same thing there. You have done so much for them, fought for them when needed and ignored the fact that it is a greasy job. Would you question after as to why you are being rude or why do all that just to leave in the end? Obviously a relationship is a little different to like a job, but I feel the essence of the scenario is the same.

If what I said is true, then the way to win him back is to kind of show that you understand he is sacrificing a lot to be with you per se with like the smoking habits and demonstrating that you go above and beyond for him too. But honestly, don’t you feel this relationship is not meant to be per se if someone feels like they are constantly sacrificing their happiness in a sense to be with you? It’s not fair for either of you I would imagine. Especially if he is say weak willed, there is a high chance you can drag him back into it only for him to be unhappy inside.