pisces man confusing
Reader Questions

Always a silent way

Livi Asks:

Hello Alan!

here is another pisces man, he got suddenly distant because he felt me cold once and he said he thought I was in an hard moment (that was true but I wanted him close) so he wanted to leave me alone for a while to let me solve my problems………. saying this to me after 2 months……. before he was telling me he had troubles to solve…. when I texted him he was answering though but rarerly him first.

I decided to declare my feeling and before I asked him to tell me what he was feeling for me… but he was not clear… several times… after I said him that I am in love and the answer I ve got back is: mostly me too I think.. so I freaked out a bit and I said that I understood what he was saying clearly… (that he was not in love) but he was annoyed by it saying just: so yes if u think u understand then!

Have been almost 5 days without no calls and texts.. I don’t know what to think.. why everytime for u is better silence than discussions????
why not saying things instead.

Thanks alan and sorry I wronged the section before ?


Based on what you wrote I would personally say he felt like you trapped him in a corner with no way out. For myself as an example, I prefer to have things happen naturally and organically. Example, when the time is right and we feel just so close with each other then things like say a kiss will happen. However, to come out and say “I love you. Do you love me?” without this type of build-up is very awkward. I would attest it to the equivalent of someone giving you a gift where you have yet to fully open it. They are then already asking and giving you that look of “Do you love it? You love it right?”

Like there, it may very well be true that they don’t “love” it per se, but because they haven’t had to time to fully unwrap the gift and digest everything to make a clear analysis to say yes or no they are kind of put on the spot. So imagine like here he felt he only unwrapped the present half way where you then implied that you know what he is thinking where he doesn’t love it. To me I would agree with you in a sense that he was “not there yet” in terms of love. With the gift example though it wouldn’t be unusual for a person to then not want to open the gift further and just walk away. It’s too darn awkward as like there it is essentially putting the person in a position where they must say yes even if it isn’t 100% true.

Ideally I would say you should have re-affirmed to him it is okay if he isn’t feeling the same thing you are yet right after. Again with the gift example, it wouldn’t be unusual if the person responded by saying don’t ever buy them gifts again rather than talking about how they feel.


  • livi January 27, 2016

    Thank you, was a clear explanation.
    I was offended, because I wanted to know if we were feeling the same, sometimes he needs time alone and is hard to know if he is into me for real. So I wanted to know what were his feelings… he didn’t say them straight away, he was evasive.. So I declared mine… now I know was not the best option. I won’t text him because I feel it a kind of refusal… do you think he could come back and text me again one day? mmmm…

  • Ocean January 27, 2016

    I don’t know if I am right or wrong but I do think that pisces men does not want to “talk” about these feelings but they rather expect the other person to feel it if they are really have a true rapport or connection with each other thoughts somehow. I understand what you meant, like why don’t you just tell me straight out what you are thinking instead of guessing, as guessing leads to more question marks as you don’t even know if you are guessing it right cause they don’t really “explain” and just go with the flow with what you suggest. I will advise that you just let him come to you, although he might never due to the negativity he experienced before. If it is too long like weeks and months, and you miss him, you can still seek him out, be natural, I believe he will still be open and friendly if your approach is non aggressive. They are just that nice. ? Just a piece of my thought. Don’t know how true is it but it works for me. Correct me if I am wrong Alan.

  • livi January 27, 2016

    Thanks Ocean… you understood correctly .. I need to know if we can walk together and if we are at the same distance with our feelings…you should be clear about what you feel, if you want me to count on you… otherwise it is difficult to trust in somebody if you don’t know where he wants to go.. also I need reassurances… after he can take his swims away and come back when he wants and I can understand… I am not looking always for explanations or reassurances but sometimes I do. I am patient and calm but I have a lot of pride.. so I won’t be the first calling him… I don’t actually know if I should feel rejected or no… It’s very hard understand somebody that “don’t speak with words” ..
    Probably he was not there yet as Alan said but why don’t just say it? and of course you could feel annoyed by somebody that want to know your feelings while you are unwrapping your present.. but would you really stop unwrapping it? If you really like the present I think you are even more excited to see it as soon as possible…

  • Ocean January 27, 2016

    From what I know, when Pisces decides to commit to someone, they are in it for a lifetime. The good ones are definitely able to provide for you and you can count on them. They want the right person so they need the time spent and life experiences with that special one to “ensure” it. They are sensitive and gentle so they are definitely not going to “try out” a dating relationship, they wouldn’t want to get hurt and hurt another person when it doesn’t work out and save the unnecessary heartbreaks. In my personal view of pride, does it really matter when you meet a person you really love and wants to treasure? If he really doesn’t initiate to seek you out and you won’t either because of pride would you really be okay if he is gone? If that is fine, you probably don’t love him as much or in a way your personalities and values ain’t compatible. Because Pisces are self sacrificing, they willing to do so for the one they love, that are worth them doing so. They think far and deep. Give him some time, and be there for him. It is actually a blessing in disguise that you’ve already expressed your feelings for him, so he “knows” for sure. Don’t worry about feeling embarrassed or losing your pride because took the first step. Usually, they don’t mind this just don’t push them further, they won’t do anything except to disappear. I apologise if I meddle too much, but that’s what I feel.

  • livi January 27, 2016

    Thanks Ocean, no your analysis are precious!
    I see, I have to say that in the same call he said to me the he would liked to spend a week with me or more to see if we are good together.. we have been dating for 8 months, and known since one and half year..even if we don’t see that much cause we live some miles away. You are right with pride, I am not fine with that, but you could love somebody in silence, thinking he is not loving you back and respecting his choice… I was the first seeking him several times, but this one had wound my pride.. especially the silence after the call..
    It is hard to decipher his silences, I told him that I don’t like that moments but seems he really likes be silent. Do you know if they keep they silent periods even if they love somebody?
    How make him speak immediately instead of waiting for the confession after the swim (just if you guess it right) ?

  • Ocean January 28, 2016

    I have no idea that you have been dating him for 8 months as what you mentioned to me feels like the relationship is just budding, with the confessions and all that followed. I believe they could still love someone even when they are silent, probably because they are still contemplating or simply don’t know what to do to you for now. What I personally think that it could also be his main priority in life now isn’t love, but career instead for example… You should know him better as you have been like with him for 8 months. In my opinion, I guess one of the ways to get a reaction from him is when he “knows” he is on the verge of losing you. Of course, not in a dramatic way of faking suicide or posting gregarious photos of you and the hottest guy in town as such… It has to be real as they have keen sense. Hope that helps.

    PS: Thanks Alan! 🙂

  • livi January 28, 2016

    Thank you Ocean.. ok so I’ll disappear for a long while… let’s see…if he texts me I just don’t answer or cut the discussion. Yes, in my opinion in 8 months you should know more or less your feelings… of course everybody has their timing.. but still, you know if you love or you are getting there, and you should share the doubts if somebody is willing to know what’s going on in your mind… or say: “sorry I think you are not the person for me…” he said just vague things… ridiculous 🙁

  • Alan January 28, 2016

    I should sit back and read the comments to see how it goes. 😀

    If you think deeper with the gift example and your question this gift can come across as essentially “not genuine” in the sense that you are potentially giving it because you want to make yourself happy only if that make sense. Another way of putting it is like if you were a charity and I was going to gift you thousands of dollars that for sure you would materialistically love, if I was to push it to you in a sense where I demand that you must now promote and endorse a certain business would you still fully accept it? Is the meaning of this donation the same where at first you thought they were doing it out of the goodness of their heart because they believe in the cause? I would assume no as a lot of people wouldn’t take the money after.

    So let’s try to specifically use this same mentality essence with your situation. I am not saying you specifically feel or are this way just to be clear. But a common scenario is there are a lot of people who want to be in a relationship just to feel needed or sexy per se for themselves only. It’s not about what they can do or create in the big picture with the other at all too but rather how the other makes them feel only. In any relationship it should go both ways. By coming off too strong you can trigger this kind of fear.

    Forcing a person with this kind of mentality to say they love you too when they don’t truly feel it yet is like they are simply being used like how many people are used for one night stands. Basically, you are like “riled up” and just want your needs fulfilled. The fear is it doesn’t have much to do with having a deep connection with the other. It’s an extreme example, but imagine that right now where it’s like he doesn’t want to have sex in the relationship but you are sitting there in the bed implying that if he truly finds you attractive he will do it with you no questions asked. Otherwise, you tell him in your mind you know he finds you “ugly” if he doesn’t follow through. Would he just walk away instead of talking about? Very high possibility and that he will simply become more quiet and distant to you after.

    Like there, I perfectly get it in terms of your need for confidence and reassurance. But imagine how he feels too when he is truly not ready. Keep in mind that for a person like myself the word “love” can be extremely more significant than most. For a lot of guys they say it in a way to say “I like you a lot” whereas for that to come out of the mouth of a person like me it is more along the lines of “I want to marry you.” So I know for like myself you forcing me to try and say that word is essentially telling me to like put a ring on your finger even though I am sure that is not what you mean at all. That’s why I often say too base it on their actions around you not the words.

    Thinking for myself, if what I said is true and this guy thinks like me then it is a mistake I feel to not contact him. Cause each day that goes by, based on the incident, it just adds to the list that you simply saw him as like a temporary fix for your personal wants in life. If I were you I would open up with something as simple as you feel there was a mis-understanding and you would like to talk whenever he feels like it and leave it to him from there. He should initiate it back as long as he doesn’t feel you did anything malicious. Because right now a person like me would use times like these for self-reflection in a sense where in my mind I evaluate “everything” I have known about you where like a librarian I start to put information I was unsure about you into the appropriate categories.

    Example, one day I heard you make a cruel “joke” about someone and I can’t really determine if you truly said that for fun or if you are in a sense mean spirited. So the information sits in the middle of the library. Then consistently in other days I saw you pushing people out of the way with no consideration for them because you just cared about getting things for yourself. So like there, as each day goes by I can now confidently file that chapter of the day you made that “joke” into the “you are mean spirited” category until there is no more information about you to be filed. The same goes for good stuff as well. Hopefully that wasn’t too much to digest.

    What Ocean wrote is correct for the most part I feel where a person like me doesn’t really like to express things in words much as opposed to hoping that the other would naturally feel this with our presence, so to speak. Thanks for helping to answer too. 😀

    Ultimately, it is your prerogative to contact him or not as you have to think if this personality type and him as a person is worth it to you in a sense as you are clearly expressing it is driving you crazy. Cause for many they would rather have a more straight forward and blunt speaking guy. No one’s perfect and being more quiet and reserved just comes with the territory for a person like myself if you are looking more for the commitment type of person, so to speak.

  • Flower January 28, 2016

    Wow Alan, when you answer a question in such detail it seems like a dark room is lit up with rays of light.. Where in this case these light rays are the ‘knowledge’ that you share with us. I just wish i had read your these lines about not breaking contact etc six years backwhen i acted totally the opposite. Thats why we insist to write a book someday…???

  • livi January 28, 2016

    Hi Alan! welcome back 🙂
    I understood what you said, but you know it is hard to accept silences and distat periods if you don’t even know if the guy is interested or not. He may not be honest as you are for example…
    I would have express my feeling anyway though, because it’s what I feel, I was not begging for attentions, of course I would have been happy knowing that he was sharing the same feeling but I felt ready to say it and in my opinion it’s very bad control the impulses (as say that you love someone when you feel) just because the other person could feel awkward.. I want to be honest and be myself, otherwise how could somebody love the way I am? What is making me angry everytime is the lack of comunication, if he is like you why just don’t say your meaning of “I love you”? It would have been totally fine.. why not sharing your inner thoughts? It helps to know you better, it is a way to know if you are really the right one.. guessing is always bad because it is not about the other person, it’s about yourself, I can suppose something but it is connected with my own experience not with who you really are. So I won’t know you, you like don’t allow me, you cut me off. I don’t really like this because for me “to share” is the first verb in a relationship.
    Is it so difficult for you sharing who you really are and what you really think? why?

  • Alan January 29, 2016

    But you can know if he is interested through his actions. Example, like mentioned here how fast does he attend to you if he knows you are in trouble? Kind of like that cat video I posted before. A person like me uses actions as our preference to show “love” or “interest.” It should be better than words in my view.

    People like me are the way we are because of our life experiences. Like for the word love I can give you a real example of a past experience I had where I was open about it as you say. Generally speaking, my initial thought was like now where that word is very serious to me. From observations, people usually use that word very loosely though. Hence, in my mind the majority of people are like that and so the word itself doesn’t hold as much weight to a person like me if it comes out too fast. I was with a girl who kept saying she “loved” me and wanted to hear it back from me. I actually did openly tell her I couldn’t as that word means so much more and I can’t just say it.

    While she says she “understood”, throughout my time with her she would consistently tell me things such as it shouldn’t kill me to say those three words because she as a “female” needs that reassurance. Essentially, she was making me feel guilty where it’s like she is thirsty for water and that I wasn’t giving it to her. So eventually I did start to just say it even though I didn’t truly feel it which she knew. However, she was still happy of course even though it made me unhappy to say it in a “I like you” kind of way. In some ways at the time she made me think maybe all woman are just like that and so I have to compromise and adjust my personal definition of the word.

    Long story short, at the end of it all I pretty much put her needs over mine each and every day. When the day came where I simply couldn’t solve an issue on my own and needed assistant she simply focused on herself still. Hence, for me it re-confirms my belief in a sense where if a person is forcing me to say these kinds of things in an impatient and unnatural manner it is potentially more for self-serving reasons as in my mind if she truly “loved” me she wouldn’t have done that. Not a good reassurance for others like me that people like that don’t exist as an example.

    Now most people like myself wouldn’t even dare to try that to “verify” if their belief is accurate or not by jumping into a relationship. In my case I did. I don’t think most guys with my personality type wouldn’t even dare to write their inner thoughts like these too yet I am. I can’t speak for the guy you are speaking specifically as I don’t know what his life experiences are. If you think about it too, a person like me isn’t expecting anything different from you that I wouldn’t from myself. I wouldn’t be forcing you to say you love me as an example for my personal reassurance or if you liked me as more than a friend. I would be expecting it through the same way such as you are engaged with me and my life while being there for each other in times of need. When it just feels right then the connection will happen.

    In terms of sharing inner thoughts instead of guessing, if you think about it you are always guessing about someone in your own unique way as you simply have a different style of confirmation whether it be through words or action. People judge and guess about people’s real inner personality based on things like their appearance, who they hang out with, their education, the tone of voice use to say things, etc. Even if certain words come out of people’s mouth, you are still guessing and analyzing based on things like facial expression and body language.

    For myself, my personality type and style is basically like the photographer example I mentioned before. I want to see raw genuine emotions and reactions. The second I tell you that there is a camera on you most people start to be unnatural and feel that they have to “pose” for it. It’s like me saying in terms of sharing inner thoughts, for an ideal type of person in my mind they should genuinely want to come up to me and explore my inner thoughts as opposed to me just telling you. It’s not the same thing either.

    Like saying, if I want to learn more about you this isn’t a job interview where I give you questions so I can see if you are the real deal(Hence, how most “dates” are like). Instead, I would genuinely want to like walk with you in the park and see how you naturally react to your surroundings. Your natural presence in everyday life situations tells me all I need to know. I am naturally curious every day to explore the beautiful person that you are. In many ways, it’s like learning about an animal that can’t directly talk to you. How would you determine if like that lion is friendly and likes you even as a person as an example? Not by words that’s for sure. I would imagine you want to naturally observe it. Even if the animal could talk I would still base things on its actions. Through observing it and all you can eventually fall in love with its spirt, determination, courage, etc.

    You can say it is “guessing” but with the amount of time a person like me spends in analyzing a person I would imagine it’s the most effective way of “guessing” if you still want to call it that. Just because a person says certain words doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true either as sometimes they don’t even truly understand what it is they want. The stereotypical example would be a child claiming they know what love is versus an adult.

    Even in that case I personally feel actions speak louder than words where in a sense it just reverts a person like me to approach the things the way I do. So it’s not about being like say unopen for you to learn about a person like me. It is wanting to see the real you in the most authentic way possible and increasing the possibility that you genuinely want me for who I am as opposed to only like what I can give you.

    If you think about it, you expressed concerns where he may not be as honest as me as an example. But realistically, even if he did say he loves you yet everyday he ignores you would those words be good enough after? Which one is more important? Like for me, that would tell me those words that came out of his mouth are in a sense “fake” as I have to base it on action. Generally speaking, I am cutting to the chase when it comes to like the analyzing process. Want to really find out if he “loves” you? See how fast he reacts in certain circumstances.

    If you think about it based on what you wrote, he did kind of open up to you and you “scolded” him for it because it’s not the specific answer packaged in the way you wanted. So he didn’t just leave in a sense where for no reason he never allowed you to learn about him.

    I agree you shouldn’t feel that you have to hold your emotions back, but this situation is more about trying to force an answer out of him in a way he isn’t comfortable with as oppose to you being able to express yourself. If you were just like “I love you. I wanted to say that to you” and left it as that then that is a different story. But that’s not what happened based on what you wrote. Again, I don’t know his life, but you did demonstrate an action there in the way of immediately judging him and making him feel bad. Yes, you may not be like every other girl he has met so it’s not particularly fair to immediately classify your actions as every other girl. But you did do it and so far in his eyes you probably don’t seem very apologetic or remorseful in any way about it. Hence, it’s all about you in his mind and it’s a mistake to not contact him in my view if you wanted to salvage this.

    If you were in a bank and a random stranger in a mask points a gun at your direction are you telling me you wouldn’t have the mindset that you should get the heck out of there because it isn’t fair to base that person’s intent on your own knowledge and experiences of this type of situation? I would assume you would run if you can as your knowledge of what that situation potentially means is the guy wants to steal money and may do bad stuff to get it right? Like in reality they could have just been filming a movie. But I think it would be normal for most to run.

    Again it’s a preference thing too. We could easily say that you demanding that the person open up fast is bad and is simply connected with your own experience as well. That’s why I gave you the examples I have so that you can hopefully open up your mind and understand the way he potentially thinks. If you believe it’s just not right despite everything I told you about his potential fears and how it makes him sad then maybe this isn’t the guy for you. That is the preference thing I was mentioning earlier.

    I don’t know your situation exactly, but if you have been with each other for a while I am inclined to say he probably shared a ton of inner thoughts with you. The problem is you aren’t accustomed to understanding the way he communicates. Like the example of love I used before of a baby crying to a parent. If you have that natural connection and care then he/she doesn’t need to speak for you to “know” what to do. Cause like for me that is how I am for the other person and I wish to have the same. So if we can’t read/connect with each other in that way then in my mind for both of our sakes this isn’t a right match for like a marriage.

    That’s what I would factor in for you too in terms of him as it should go both ways. Example, you state he felt something was wrong yet he decided to leave you alone to let you solve your own problems. That should factor in on whether or not he is worth it to you as a person to continue to pursue. Cause assuming you have done things for him, he should be all over the situation in trying to find ways to help you. Unless you specifically told him to go away of course since the problem technically involved him.

    Oh, still researching about the book idea too Flower. At this point though I simply don’t have the knowledge and resources to make it happen.

  • livi January 30, 2016

    Thank you very much Alan, I think I felt in love with the wrong person then… I was waiting he would open up during these months but with your explanations I understood is just the way he is… I need a straightforward person..

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