pisces man go with the flow
Personality And Mindset

Having To Make The First Move In Approaching A Pisces

This is a real conversation that I heard which actually helped inspired me to create this site. I was with a group of people waiting for a production to start which meant a lot of waiting around. Within this group happened to be a lot of females and a conversation came up about relationships with a Pisces man and how they are so quiet and never seem to ask you out despite how many signals you give. Basically, you have to be the aggressor and many times that just ends up scaring them away. They wondered, why are they like that?

Now I’ll admit, to a certain extent I am like that. However, it just kind of amazed me when they were discussing that as if people are like that because of the date they were born on. So for myself, here is what I am thinking if it was me in that type of scenario and you can take what you want from it.

For myself, I grew up as the youngest child and one of my older brother had a girlfriend. As years went by, break ups occurred which meant heartbreaks. Likewise, I had friends that often went out with who you could classify as the “pretty” girls. As kids we thought forming couples was the thing to do too as we got older. In virtually every case I saw, despite how everyone “looks” like a good couple it seemed like eventually when they got to know each other’s personalities a lot of clashes and disputes arose.

The solution to the problem in my mind was if I wanted to avoid that you have to go out with the girl based on her personality. So what I did was I approached a girl that has been super nice to me throughout the years. I was not physically attracted to her at all and didn’t factor interests, but thought this was the answer on how you begin establishing a lifelong relationship with someone. Nope, wrong as we didn’t even become a couple.

We didn’t really have anything in common, it felt so robotic and for the most part it seemed like I was trying too hard to build something out of it and the same wasn’t being returned. The funny thing was I didn’t take it personally at all though and just asked her straight up if she even wanted to be a couple. After thinking about it, she said no not really and I literally just didn’t pursue her anymore and used it as a lesson to try and figure out what the perfect formula is in finding the right girl for me. It was like a science experiment for me as a kid.

Eventually when high school came and I became a teenager, it was like this couples thing just erupted as you start seeing people everywhere in a relationship. Same thing though, the factors I observed as a kid seemed to hold true still where people break up and get extremely distraught over it if they are not right for each other. As a result, in my mind there is no reason to rush this then as I don’t need all that drama that will arise as a result of being with the wrong girl.

As it turned out, I was actually approached by a few girls in my early high school years and I can definitely tell they were looking to possibly establish a relationship with me. Example, same girls in a little group giggling and discussing amongst each other as they took turns asking me to dance.

Thing is, in my mind they knew nothing about me and so my assumption was that this is all based on a physical attraction only and I figured it wouldn’t work out as a result. So while I danced with them and all and was nice, I gave no return signals of any kind afterwards that I was interested in going further. Based on my past experiences, my new mindset was now that the key to establishing a successful relationship was to be with someone that has similar interests as you too where you can openly communicate and be relaxed around each other.

Of course, this resulted in many people wondering what the heck I was thinking and all as I seemed to be so hard to read compared to say another guy that was all about being the loudest and coolest where you could get his attention easily. It’s one of those constant analyzing the facts scenario and trying to determine the person’s intentions in wanting to be with me. Because in the end, I want it to work out for the both of us.

Let’s fast forward to my adulthood now. Generally speaking, I have experienced a lot more in life while being able to see characteristics and signals that shows a person’s true character. I will dive more into specifics with others posts. For the most part, a lot of my beliefs as a child and teenager remain true. The main thing is that actions speak louder than words in finding out a person’s true character.

My mindset is that a relationship is all about balance and being able to bring out the best in each other. As well, since I am a very loyal person who would go above and beyond for you once I feel that I trust you as a person, the barrier I have is greater to minimize the possibilities of surrounding myself with people that I don’t want to associate with.

So why is it that a women has to take the initiative in approaching me first? It’s not because of shyness for me. A strong quality that I am looking for that I believe is a good match is a mature minded women that is confident. I’m personally not exactly the type of person that flashes expensive gear or tries to impress people with smooth talking.

The first theory is that if a women approaches me there is a good chance that she is confident which I respect a lot. If she is more blunt about it that is even better. As well, I want a women that I can openly talk to and since I am a listener I want her to feel comfortable in talking to me about things too. I personally don’t think you can change people. So, if there was say a women that was giving me all the signals but didn’t have the courage to actually ask me directly, I won’t go for it as that just makes me think that is how it is going to be like in an actual relationship setting. Example, you are having a bad day and to get my attention to ask you what’s wrong you just keep throwing and kicking everything down. Preferably rather just have the person talk it out.

Afterwards it becomes kind of a confirmation process where I am trying to see if you are genuinely the type of person you appear to be upfront. Cause everyone knows that people change depending on circumstances. But in general, I’d say a person with my personality type wants you to take charge mainly for reassurance in various things. Speaking for myself, once you get pass all of that everything will pour out. No more mystery mode, if that is what you want to call it.

Is this a drawback for myself in many ways? Absolutely. In many ways you can say that is way too picky. I actually find it funny when I hear women say it’s hard to find good guys and this and that as I think that is the case with finding a good women. Lol. But I treat it with humor as I know it’s a choice that I am this way as there is no point in rushing into things I’d say.

You can choose to believe an astrology type of direction in approaching this personality type or simply read things like this and take what makes sense to you logically and rationally. Like with my example, I kind of explained some of the psychology and reasoning as to why my approach is that way and what I am hoping to find first. For someone else, the reasons may be different, but the intentions can be the same.


  • Nabully August 8, 2009

    Hey, it’s nice reading your blog and posts.

    It’s great insight to Pisceans. I’m a Taurean…I know trust is a big thing for Pisceans…but I didn’t know that there’s so much thought into it and analysis on the intention part. We, Taurean, based on gut feeling and history when it comes to trust issues.

  • can't stop thinking about him May 31, 2010

    So glad to come across this post…i met a pisces while on a mini vaca in jamaica. I was instantly attracted to him the moment I saw him. he was the manager at the hotel I stayed at. just to scratch the surface a bit…my friend told him that i was interested in him..he ran over to me and said “hi, they told me to come over here, and they didnt have to push me.” ugh,, he was soo soo sexy! anyway, i saw him at the end of the party and out right flirted with him..i dont know what got over me but I wanted him. I said “oh, thought you would saved the last dance for me.” he smiled at me as i asked him if he remembered my name. he didnt but begged me to tell him once more..He told me that i should stop by tomorrow and we would hang out..sadly, i did not go because i origianlly made other plans. The morning i was checking out of my hotel, i just couldnt resist the urge to see him one last time. at this point i was sure i was not going to see him. I sat down to have breakfast but kept looking around to see if i would see him..to my surprise, he was standing beind me and came over to my table and gave me the biggest hug…of course i melted so i had to ask for another. Anyway, he proceeded to ask me about myself, made it clear that he was not seeing anyone becaue he was soo busy. i was happy to know becasue i made it clear that i was interested..he walked me to my shuttle, we hugged and i gave him a kiss goodbye…I really didnt think he would call, but he called two days later after i got back to New York. i was soo happy to hear him say that he wants to get to know me better. he told me if i ever wanted to talk i should call him whenever or wherever no matter what…he said all the right things. within two week period we spoke anout 5 times..ugh! kinda suspicious for some one who claims to want to know me better 🙁 One night i called him because I had not heard from him in a couple days. i told him that i was calling to hear his voice and that i had not heard from him, he said ” I’m soo sorry baby, i’ve been soo busy!” hmmp.. ok i get that he has two jobs but, everytime i called him, he would pick up the phone and we would talk, so why isnt he calling me just the same? I told him that he needs to take some time for himself as he was expressing his frustration of working so much…he then asked me what i wanted, and i told him that i wanted him…he said I’m here have me I asked if he felt the same way about me and he said, I wouldnt be calling you of i didnt..after my last phone call to him, three weeks went by, he did not call..ugh..FML..it was soo frustrating but i kept my self busy but I guess it wasnt enough because he was constantly on my mind. So yes i buckled and called again with the extra push from my friends telling me its no big deal to call again…i then called him again, suprisingly, he picked up with a sexy hello good morning, it so nice to hear your voice, sorry i have not been calling but my schedule is so crazy! we started tallking but apparently his battery died. i didnt know this at the time. but i called back and left a message for him to call me back because i was in a bad spot (thinking it was my fault the call dropped). He called me a couple hours later telling me that his batteries died and now he could talk to me for 6 hours and then some. 😛 I told him that would call him back as i was attending a class. i blew him a kiss and he blew one right back at me… i later called him back and we had conversations where he asked what was going on in my life, my kids etc..he asked me if i wanted to talk about any problems i was having in my life…i told him that i missed seeing him, he said I know baby, we are long over due to see each other.. and i’m planning a trip very soon! its been almost two weeks and he still has not called me back..so because i’m so caught up with the idea of this pisces guy..should I hold out to see if he will call again? Is he interested or not? i was aggressive, he showed interest, so now what, is he playing games? why bother to call me ? I’m just looking for any feedback, because i just cannot seem to get him out of my mind..:sad:

  • FeYtAZ April 14, 2012

    I had a similar situation. I’m 24 and I had gone to Greece recently, I met a Piscean there. He’s from Minnesota and I’m from South Carolina. I had been there for a month. We talk and whatnot. a
    And on the last day, he asked for my number. He’s been calling everyday since, but I just don’t know where I stand with him. Sincerely, Taurus girl.

  • marlin May 9, 2016

    Is there any exception to where you would take the initiative?
    I just tend to be the kind of person who hates the mystery I like to be raw and forthright from the start and to everyone. I don’t like the idea of shielding my deeper emotions–my true self–from others.
    I just want to further challenge your “personality type” given you already acknowledge some of its drawbacks. Don’t you think it unfair to want someone to trust you first before you trust them? Or have them give first so you can give in return? Is it an insecurity? Do you hide your deeper emotions because of some deep desire to hope someone can read you without you having to expalin yourself to them, just by observing you? Because how can anyone do that if you’re shielding the deeper emotions? You don’t allow yourself to give any sort of signal of what you’re truly thinking or feeling so it doesn’t make sense to what someone to read you and uncover your underneaths. It seems kinda of selfish to me that you want someone to be blunt when you dont want to be. It makes it hard for people like me to trust people like you because there is no way you can truly be honest and genuine while hiding most of what’s going on in your head. If you’re analyzing my reactions I WANT to know. I personally perfer someone that is equal to me in there approach to find a relationship and that would mean I want a person who would take the initiative as much as I would.

  • Alan May 9, 2016

    If you are referring to a relationship point of view I would take initiative when it feels right per se. I am not sure if you read my other posts, but for myself I prefer to have things happen organically. So like the ideal scenario is that I would be getting along with the person so well for so long where one day with the right mood and right moment I would say kiss her. It’s just most people “want answers now” and can’t stand things to happen slowly/organically in that way as opposed to treating it like an interview.

    In my opinion, you shouldn’t see it as a person like me “shielding my emotions” as opposed to having an unorthodox path compared to most. There is a difference. Example, locking the door on you is shielding. Me standing on top of a mountain is not shielding. It’s more of like a design, based on life experience, where I feel only people who have like say the natural energy and passion to climb that mountain are the ones I am most compatible with.

    Everyone does that to a certain extent. Example, like for yourself if you were to enter into a relationship with someone would you blindly move in and get married together right away? Most people would say no as they want to “see what it is like” before they commit to something. Hence, they have their own method of evaluating people. A person like me is no different except most people want the instant gratification stuff right away whereas I don’t. Hence, a lot of stuff that would probably work on men that want some “action” doesn’t work on a person like me as I am looking for a true and meaningful connection.

    The thing about trust too is I don’t expect say you to trust me before I trust you. So in that sense there isn’t really anything unfair about it. Again, I want things to happen organically in an ideal situation. I don’t expect people to do things that I wouldn’t do. Example, want to establish a “relationship” with me? Don’t treat it like a “Hey, we are going on a date now to see if you meet my checklist.” Instead, I would rather like just walk around and talk as regular people. Do stuff like this for quite a bit of time in a natural way and we will both eventually see the true picture of each other.

    At the same time it’s not like it’s a “Hey, you give me one dollar first and I will give you one dollar after” in terms of trust. Actually, a funny way to think of it are the posts I have made here. If you think about it technically I trusted you first just now. How so? You have read intimate and personal details about my life on how it has shaped my personality yet I know nothing about you. So in that sense if I was to reverse your question don’t you think it is unfair that you expected me to trust you first?

    But that’s the thing about this “trust” topic you speak of in my mind. I did it naturally and organically because I thought it would help people understand a person like me better. Hence, I am assuming based on me opening up and such it inspired you to want to learn more. If a person ever wants to “give first” to me in my mind it should be the same thing. Example, you should be wanting to naturally do whatever it is you wanted to do because you say care and not because you think it is like a business negotiation where I owe you after. So when I see like that natural side of that person that is how one naturally builds trust with me. It’s like the other post I made on how I wanted to kiss the girl on the spot because of what she did.

    Your question about the deeper emotion is interesting. Personally in my life I have had quite a few people say to me that they are flabbergasted as to how I could say read or understand them so well without them even saying anything even though they are “shielding” their emotions. It’s not that I am a psychic as an example. But rather it’s just a genuine desire and care to want to know and say help the person. I guess like anything, when you do it enough times you start to develop a knack for it. But that bares the question too. If I can do it for say a person like you then why can’t you do it for say me?

    In my opinion, it just comes down to the type of person you want as there are a lot of different personality traits that people can mesh well for a relationship. Example, even though what I write mostly sounds like my ideal match would have to be super sensitive and all, in many ways even an aggressive person could be a good match too.

    It’s bit more complex for me because I don’t say necessarily “hide” my deeper emotions. It’s more that it is put in a scenario where in my mind only “authentic people” would have the ability to reach it. Almost like saying if you want an athlete you are going to put that prize where only an athlete can jump that high to get it.

    Now for signals that is a bit inaccurate to say I never give it off. Like in my other posts people like me show it differently. Example, how fast do I reply to you? Am I actively engaged with you as a person? This is versus the traditional route of things like “He has to call me first otherwise that means he hates me” routine. Hence, it is my hope that writing various posts and such helps to open up your mind on the different ways a person like me thinks and approach things.

    To me it feels that you are misconstruing the part about being blunt I think. When I say I like it if the person is blunt as an example that is in context with the person clearly trying to do indirect things to say “attract” me to them to get me to say ask her out. Because for a person like me who always tries and reads through people, hence how I can often know exactly what a person is feeling without them saying anything, that is basically an “act” from the person if you think about it. Instead, just being blunt at least shows me things like confidence and comfort around me as opposed to an “act.” Again though, I would ideally want it to be organic between the two of us.

    If you were my friend with no expectation you could probably just easily say “Hey, let’s go to that event tonight if you are free.” Like there, to me that is being blunt. But it’s more about how you are naturally confident around me where we can just be ourselves. If I ever wanted to approach a girl bluntly I would do it as an example too in that way. Hence, I am not expecting anyone to do things that I wouldn’t. However, again my preference is to have things happen naturally and so I don’t opt for that route.

    Similar for your last phrase about trust and emotions what exactly am I “hiding” per se? Again it is more just an unorthodox path to reaching that information compared to what you are used to. If you can’t naturally just be around me and spend some time to learn about me as we both take a meaningful journey to truly learn and understand each other why would that be selfish in your mind? Why can’t a person like me who takes that approach be honest and genuine in your mind?

    Over exaggerated example would be do you just show your social security number to anyone and everyone? Why not? Would it be fair to say you make it hard for me to trust you since you aren’t willing to give access to that information in a way that everyone can access right away? Or when a store asks you to give them money first before you can walk out of the store with the item does that mean the business is dishonest? Or does it necessarily mean they don’t specifically trust you per se? You may say that is a ridiculous comparison but in many ways in terms of mindset it’s the same. Basically, people each have their own process based on everything and like many say “seek to understand before being understood.” Like there understand why the business has it set up that way before making judgement.

    Speaking for myself anyways that’s why for life in general I often listen to so many people as I get so much knowledge and perspective as to how people are, the way they communicate, etc. One culture may express and expect things differently than yours as an example. There is so much on how you can understand a person and not just from words. The body language, facial expression, eye contact and the list goes on. I would find it a little difficult to believe if you are telling me you don’t try and read these types of cues from people as well.

    I support your opinion that you should find someone that is equal to the way you approach a relationship. So why is the way I approach it wrong even though I don’t really expect anything different in terms of approach? But, maybe this helps to make things a little more clear as it felt like you were taking some notes out of context in many ways.

  • marlin May 10, 2016

    My object wasn’t to condemn your way of thinking, just to clarify, I just wanted some clarity from my confusion so thank you.
    From reading your posts everything just sounds so systematic like the way you describe what you want your ideal partner to be and how you would act in response to them, and I guess that’s just how it comes across as you try to diagnose and analyze it all. I just wondered whether you were like this, all analytical and stuff, while having a conversation with someone, but now I know you are not but truly encaptured in the moment, the diagnosing stuff and looking at the situation as an outsider comes after. As in blunt I guess I don’t just mean blunt with words but also with your body and eyes and a person like you from what I gather seems very conscious and aware of their actions so i wonder how conscious you are of your body langauge while being with someone. Because being too self conscious kinda blocks you from trying to honestly portray yourself with body language and stuff. And as for what’s personal that depends for each person. For me it’s more of a feeling then what you say. For example, what you write about like the actual content seems personal but I don’t really FEEL that it is because it feels informative most of the time. Personal for me would be saying something and feeling vulnerable about it at the same time. Sorry, it’s just hard to read someone through text. And just to give more perspective here I have no experience in romantic relationships, i’m still in high school, but in friendships I do, so some stuff I say are merely opinions and thoughts as they come from being unexperienced not so much beliefs or like my official values if you can detect the difference.

  • Alan May 10, 2016

    Oh, I didn’t take it as a you are “condemning” me route. You wanted to “further challenge” my “personality type” and so I am being thorough. 😀 As I always say, no one way is perfect as each method has their pros and cons. Like for what you said as example on how for you it’s more about a feeling a lot of the drawbacks of that can be found in some other reader posts as well. Look at how many scenarios there are of people who just relied on a feeling just to have a reality check that they are being played as an example as there are people who are very good at doing that. So like for me again no one way is perfect but from my experience thus far I find it to be the best balance.

    I would personally expand your repertoire about your concept of “what you feel” as “what they feel” I think anyways is more important if your goal is to understand a person. Especially when reading a bunch of plain text. Like here you implied it’s hard to read someone through text where at the same time you suggested that for you anyways many of the items I wrote is just informative. To that I would ask an honest question. How many posts did you read overall before making the decision to ask the question you did initially in terms of “challenging” the way I think? That’s including every person I replied to in the comments as well. As well, is sharing one’s life on an open platform in general like this not being vulnerable? Like there if you actually told me you read everything and your answer is “Heck no, that is not vulnerable” then I can only say that you have had extremely different life experiences thus far.

    It’s almost like saying maybe watching someone sing a song on TV is just them entertaining where you don’t see how that is being vulnerable in any way. But then you factor in the perspective on how after their performance or whatever they are going to be judged by people in general. To me anyways that is being vulnerable. Just because I am not on that stage to exactly feel it doesn’t mean I can’t understand exactly what they may be feeling. At the same time, understanding the perspective that for many people when they sing a song in a great way they are digging deep in their life to make those words authentic. Hence, another form of vulnerability as they are reminding themselves of those moments in life to be able to be authentic. Or like there in my mind being vulnerable isn’t restricted to if the person starts crying when they sing the song. It could be anger too. There are a lot of complexity when it comes to emotions.

    In my view this just comes down to life experience. I find that once you meet a wide range of people and their lifestyles your perspective and ability to relate to others change. Like for that example you would probably never feel that until you do it yourself. Or you could claim it takes no skill to play a certain sport as it looks so easy and so when people talk/write about being “exhausted” you may treat it like they are just whining. Until you try it yourself where you realize personally just how hard it is where then after you would classify it as being a sport that requires skill. Something to think about if your original motivation to ask me the question that you did was to try and understand or become closer to someone in your life that you may feel is like me.

    I agree with your comment on how being too self-conscious prevents people from expressing themselves honestly. At the same time, in context to your original question think about that like say if someone is trying to approach me by not being themselves. While I don’t “hide” my emotions and such you kind of implied here that you don’t really like it if someone is not portraying themselves honestly correct? So by the sounds of it you would probably just walk away after right? Almost no different for me when people feel that they shouldn’t just be themselves around me. Except for me I don’t really walk away from it per se but rather the path you are going simply isn’t the destination that you intended.

  • marlin May 10, 2016

    I had probably read only 5 posts…and I guess it’s obvious to read the frustration of me trying to understand someone similar to you by the way I so boldly “challenged” you.
    I happen to have such a deep bond with art like english, music etc. so I can understand that vulnerability is conveyed in many different ways, so I know that it is vulnerable to write a blog, I was just very frustrated at trying to understand someone and since the posts I read didn’t really help me understand that person (although it did give me insight to many other things) I thought to question you as if you were the that person because…idk, I’m deperate I guess to get answers.
    Okay so I do like people being honest but I wouldn’t walk away if they didn’t seem to be honest, hence why I chose to reach out to you after I thought you were the type of person to “hide your emotions” therefore not entirely honest. I like to get inside of people and try to understand them but I perfer not to have to put an unequal effort into it so if I were being honest and trying to understand someone but they weren’t budging I probably would walk away then.
    And finally, it is really hard to try and find a method in approaching and understanding a person because every person is different and I can try to come up with a method but the truth is we have to feed off of one another kinda like go with the flow, because once I put in too much thought into a method it starts turning into me trying to predict how it will go from previous patterns and it just kind of takes me out of the moment of trying to understand someone naturally because everyone is different.
    Anyways thanks for this, really. You definitely have a new subscriber 😉

  • Alan May 11, 2016

    Maybe in your situation it would have been better to use the “ask a question” as there it would be situation specific where I do try and answer questions from that person’s perspective to the best of my ability based on what you provide. As I say to people too, all of my post here are either inspired by things I hear from real life or the type of topics that people tell me that they want me to divulge into.

    Speaking for myself, it’s never usually “equal” when I am trying to understand someone in the sense that it’s usually like the other person who is doing 90% of the talking while I just listen and learn. Nor do I expect it to be equal personally. Example, like if I was trying to understand you for myself in many ways it’s not enough for me to come from the perspective of just listening to you as exactly me in my everyday life. I would do things such as research or divulge into the world as an “artist” as an example until it “clicks” with me on how to “speak your language”.

    It’s kind of like saying if you were trying to communicate with a foreigner it’s one thing to know the words to speak to talk to each other. It’s another to understand the whole culture and structure behind the way they communicate.

    This might sound weird, but if you ever want to “practice” your listening and understanding skills then hang around like some infants/children and see if you can like get them to consistently smile. You could say like there everyone is technically different. However, even I find in like those situations there is a method to communicating and understanding them to the point where you can achieve similar results each time. I have often had people puzzled as to why the child seems so dang attached or responsive when I show up. Again, it’s just about understanding to a certain degree how a person thinks. The fact that they can’t talk makes it even better when it comes to testing how well you can understand and communicate with another.

    Yes, you go with the flow and such as you need to see their reactions and adapt appropriately. But again there is a process to it. Example, like for the infant show that you aren’t a threat first(Which in a funny way is still the same even for when people grow up). Now how you do that can vary depending on the person and scenario. But generally speaking like from my personal experience the foundation is universally the same.

    It’s not a fluke that I asked you how many posts you read too as an example. Like you said the frustration was obvious and you came in the exact same way that many others have done too where like you say they pictured me as that person. I get it. Of course this is just my way of thinking as what works for me may not work for you. But just some perspective if you say you are frustrated and desperate for answers. Good quote “The dentition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.”

  • marlin May 12, 2016

    So you tend to alter the way you approach a certain subject with every person once you get a solid idea of their “style” in communicating, right? Well what if you do not get a solid idea of that person’s style, what if that person is the one to first ask YOU questions and want to listen to YOU? What approach would you then take in the way you answer their questions if you do not yet know the best way to make them responsive by the way you say things? Would you slyly make your response reverse the attention to the other person untill you get a hold of their style?

    As someone who adapts to another person’s style will someone ever know you’re own personal style, the style you communicate without the influence of other people’s style? Do you even think yourself to have a style?

    Or is that thing your style, apadting to others people’s style? Isn’t that frustrating? Isn’t it hard to feel grounded? I guess this is why it’s so hard to understand people like you.

    I would just love to see how people like you act when they’re caught off gard because people like you comminicate with extreme care once they think they have someone’s style figured out to the best of their ability. But if you’re caught off guard in the way someone reponds because they respomd in a way you completely didnt expect, how would you handle that? That’s what I would like to witness.

  • Alan May 12, 2016

    You mention you are desperate for answers about the person as an example. So really re-read what you just wrote to me just now. How do you think it comes across as a result? You say text is hard, but put everything into perspective. If a guy is like me I could easily see why he would in a sense not open up to you as you aren’t truly taking the time to understand the person you are talking to. Hence, you are always walking in the wrong direction.

    This is why I am suggesting you things to say practice your understanding skills per se as this is something that takes time. If you are confused then think about that for a bit as to why that is the case. Like really think about it. This is to help you because in general you shouldn’t expect like an exact dictionary type of answer. Don’t expect to read a person like me as if I am math problem. You have to treat it more like you are growing a plant.

    What would it matter if the person was the first to ask me questions? Like with the infant example what if the child was the first to crawl to me and “ask me questions” as opposed to me picking them up and asking them? In essence it is absolutely no different. I am not looking for “answers” per se. I am seeking to understand where that naturally guides me. Even there that can be accomplished with what you show me in terms of how you respond to my answers.

    Technically you just asked me questions first too correct? What difference did that make in terms of me learning about you? Example, the way you “challenge” me already says a lot about your potential personality and life experience. Like maybe the environment you have grown up in people are way more blunt. Think about that too if that is the case like say how a blunt person tries and communicates with a soft minded person.

    Your definition of a “style” is not the same from what I am communicating it seems. Example, if this was like a martial arts your interpretation thus far is that it seems like you think I have a style where it’s like I am either a striker or a grappler where I am always say self-conscious that people are going to attack me and so I have to always try and predict/learn to adapt in what to do. If so that means what I have been saying to you thus far is going over your head. Hence your comment on how you would love to see me when I am “off guard.”

    Like there that isn’t the case nor the point. It would be more like I have studied the art for so long that I have the confidence to just be myself in life and adapt to any situation as it comes to me. I don’t need to jump into a fighting stance with people I meet. That would be ludicrous. Or it’s like saying my “default fighting stance” is my normal life stance that looks and feels just like your everyday walking and standing position. I don’t need to ask people ahead of time what “style” they practice so that I can “adapt” to it. You as a person show all that for me one way or another.

    Actually think about that too. Right now with the way you are coming in it’s almost like you are that person who says “Show me how to kick and punch so I can fight this guy.” Instead I am like that guy trying to tell you it’s about learning yourself first and conquering your own fears if your goal was to “learn how to fight” in a sense as in many ways it’s more mental than physical. It’s not a “style” in the way you are thinking of it. It’s a “lifestyle.” Or like there initially you may have wanted to learn this so that you can fight people as you feel you have to. But afterwards you learn that you don’t need to fight. It takes a while to reach that kind of mindset and understanding.

    Again, with your quotes such as “because people like you communicate with extreme care once they think they have someone’s style figured out to the best of their ability” means you haven’t even started to try and truly understand the person you are talking to first as opposed to jumping to conclusion based on your personal idea of people in general. You actually have a great opportunity to do that here but you are opting not to for whatever reason. So again, really think about it.

    You being in “high school” as you say may play a factor in the sense of time as the there are just odds you don’t have as much life experience with people say outside of your own culture that you are used to. Hence, it is potentially foreign to you as to how to understand and communicate with people who aren’t you or the people you are used to associating with. But there could be another “high school” student who grew up in a completely different environment and so they would get it faster. It’s more about whether or not you have the actual genuine desire to learn which would entail in a sense throwing away how you personally think something must be based on your own life experiences to truly see and understand it from the other. I learn every day for example.

    In many ways in a sense of “style” using like the martial arts example it’s almost like you have practiced your own “style” so much that when you are presented with something so unorthodox compared to what you believe is the “right” way you just can’t grasp at it. Have you ever thought on the possibility of how much of this may have to do with you actually being the one that is say “shielding” oneself here as an example?

    You also say things like “Isn’t it hard to feel grounded? I guess this is why it’s so hard to understand people like you.”

    While obviously that statement is in context of you assuming what you said about my personality type is true, for the sake of being on the same wavelength here is a definition of the word grounded from an online dictionary:

    Simple Definition of grounded
    -Used to describe a person who is sensible and has a good understanding of what is really important in life.

    Full Definition of grounded
    -Mentally and emotionally stable : admirably sensible, realistic, and unpretentious.

    So by that universal definition why would my lifestyle and way of thinking make being grounded difficult? Food for thought. You mentioned you got frustrated in trying to learn about a person. In my situations I usually don’t as again I genuinely seek to understand. So in that sense of the definition aren’t I in many ways more “grounded” in life than you possibly? Something to think about.

  • marlin May 12, 2016

    Alright *deep breath* let me try this again and break down the miscommunication errors done from my part; I don’t want to give up and I don’t want you give up on me on trying to understand you.

    I confess I did not expect to be misunderstood this much so let me first explain how I came to achieve some of my conclusions.

    I thought it would matter if a person was the first to ask you questions because you mentioned in your previous comment that usually the person you are getting to know is doing 90% of the talking while you just listened and learned. From this I inferred that you are the one to ask questions first when trying to get to know a person, or most of them. And you also said how you don’t expect it to be equal in that regard so I then wondered, “what if it wasnt how you expected and someone FIRST asked YOU questions about yourself what would you do” because I gathered that you had to rely on the other person to talk first so you could listen and learn, to therefore know how to respond to them adequately. But now I realized that just because another person is doing the talking it doesn’t necessarily mean that it was because you asked them questions about them first but maybe because that person just voluntarily chose to talk without you havin to ask them to.

    I recognize that having answers and being guided by someone is different but I cannot exactly identify how they are different. I mean you must have answers from a person to allow yourself to be guided from them right?

    What I meant by style is “the way someone communicates” or the way someone “speaks their language”, like you said. So by that I know it’s not something you ask people about but something you gather.

    I concluded that you were the type of person to handle a “conversation or a person with extreme care once you have figured out there style (or how they “speak their language”) to your best ability”, because you had mentioned in some post, I forgot which one, that you handled people delicately because of how you keep mentioning how people organic and ever-changing. So that’s where I interpreted that from.

    By grounded I meant like stable in the sense of knowing who you are. I wondered whether you had ever personally struggled with losing who you were because of how you are able to adapt to other people. I wondered that because I have struggled with that. I’ve been in theatre ever since 7th grade (I am now a senior) and I find once I get really good at being a character I find it hard to go back to who I was or better yet my go back to my prior default state. Like you do so well in “mimicking” someone’s personality that you kinda can’t stop acting like them and forget how to be “you” again. But you are absolutely right that in order to adapt to others with success you must be more “grounded” because in order to find your way back to yourself you have to be certain of who you are.

    I am not as blunt as I have given the impression to be I am just not used to having a conversation in this form, like on the internet. It does require more patience because face expressions and inflection is eliminated. Namely, I was not saying the things in the same way I would have if I were talking to you face to face. I did not have the patience to elaborate everything and ask you ONE question at a time instead of a billion, as I would if I were speaking to you face-to-face.

    I hope I have explained better where I am coming from now. 🙂

  • Alan May 12, 2016

    For an interesting change since you mentioned you do theatre then let me try to change and speak in an “artist mode” and we’ll try it this way for fun. 😀 I am going to assume you have understanding of basic terminology and such for it.

    Let’s try the topic about having answers and being guided. What’s the difference you say? The way I would describe it for that mindset is pretend we are doing improvisational theatre right now. It’s just you and me on a stage. All we know is that the “director” gave us the scenario of “two strangers that just met and are trying to figure each other out. Marlin, you are super frustrated. Alan, you are more reserved”. That’s it. No scripts. No time to talk amongst each other. And…action.

    How do you decide who says a word first? How do you know how to respond to make the scene continue? Is there a way to determine if this story is going to be improvised to be a comedy versus a drama? How do I know what choices and actions you are going to throw at me when we didn’t even get to ask each other questions ahead of time? Like you say, you feel it to a certain extent.

    As well, what is one of the worst things to do when doing improvisation for a scene this way? They say “blocking” the other person’s initiative is one of the worst things you can do to kill a scene. Like here now you may say something like “But that’s what I mean…it’s all about feeling……..you can’t establish a method for it.” But there is. Example, me saying that you shouldn’t “block” the other person’s idea is a method in a sense. Keeping myself open to every possibility is an approach.

    Then a big thing after would be “chemistry” in the sense of two people who can like literally read and bounce energy off each other so naturally. You often hear people say that for most artistic things such as “Those two have such great chemistry together on stage.” I don’t need an “answer” for you to guide me. Your presence and energy should do that. We know what the “objective” of the scene is in a sense which is “figure each other out.”

    It doesn’t matter if the director in the background now all of a sudden decides to throw a wacky curveball to the scene such as shouting “Marlin/Alan a bird just pooped on your head.” You are going to choose how you react to that and likewise I will choose how I react to it. Again, we both don’t really know. Maybe you reacted first in an angry way which I would then feed off of that. Maybe I was actually the one to say a word first which you then feed off of that. But like there, regardless of whether you talked first or I did I learn about you.

    So think of the bit where you say “you must have answers from a person to allow yourself to be guided from them right?” Like in this case, no not really. In my mindset I understand very well and made strong choices about my “character” in a sense. I know what opens me up, what scares me, etc. But other than that I leave the situation wide open with a sense of openness and curiousness to learn and to be explored. I don’t try to “block” you nor do I try to directly tell you what to do or not do. This is our moment to see if our life experiences have prepared us to be able to read each other despite what kind of character comes out. In many ways being able to relate to “characters” comes down to your diversity of experiences.

    At the same time, if we have natural chemistry then we should be able to know exactly what to say and do for each other in a sense to create that spark on stage. Imagine other ways that can create a pitfall here. Example, you go towards a direction which I at first follow which is extremely dramatic. Then in the scene I suddenly decide for whatever reason I want to turn this into something comedic. However, you insist in keeping it dramatic. Like there we are on stage live. People can’t stop you and say “He obviously did that to change the direction of the scene so go with it.” You should in a sense naturally know that. Hence, a way to determine if we have natural chemistry.

    In my view the essence of this is the same for real life. There is a huge open path for virtually anyone and everyone to say learn about me. I can’t and nor should I have to tell you exactly where to go. Cause who knows as there are limitless possibilities of what can and can’t work in a sense. I just strongly know who I am and what feeling in a sense needs to resonate for me if we are talking about like a relationship.

    The thing about acting too is they say it’s not “mimicking” per se. You are becoming the person. Kind of like the saying on how if you want to be good as a performer learn not to “act” but to be it. I would imagine this is the part where you kind of implied for you it’s hard to get back to yourself. But the quick way to express it would be when you are “being” the person in my mindset I am not trying to copy them in the sense of like you jump and so I did too. I try and understand why you jumped in the first place.

    Let’s say it was because of excitement and I wouldn’t normally express it in that way. But there I then analyze how would I put myself in that position where I would jump? Like for me as “Alan” that would probably mean I supressed a lot of emotions. I stressed myself for days just focusing on this one little thing that I really don’t have control of. So when the day comes where that good thing actually happened it’s like opening a shaken soda can. My body can’t help but to release all that tension in the most explosive way possible. Hence I jump. Imagine “all that” just to copy a person’s jumping action. But in my view anyways that’s really the only way you can genuinely and authentically understand the other person. Otherwise like there I could jump but you can harshly tell that it say “has no feeling” and such compared to the other guy I was trying to “mimic” as you say.

    Because I am performing this action “as me” in a sense but with the same authenticity as you that’s where truly understanding oneself and your emotions come into play. Like maybe you read this or maybe you haven’t from my posts, but like for me personally I don’t do things such as smoke cigarettes, take drugs or drink alcohol. I don’t drown out my emotions or try to hide them. Not everyone is the same of course and maybe their own unique lifestyle habits enables them to be just as effective in understanding their own emotions.

    The only other thing I would comment based on what you wrote is the part about you not having the patience to elaborate everything. Actually, this a funny example of you talking about being “equal” too and kind of relates to why a person like me seems so hard to reach normally. Like for me, I want to give it my all. For the person I want to be with I want to give them the world. From a relationship point of view I am not here for a fling nor do I want to give you “half my effort” as I want to give the person everything each day. Hence, like the concept of me standing on the mountain most people just don’t want to give it their all for whatever reason and so there is no point in a sense wasting time for the both of us if our values aren’t the same. I’d climb the mountain for you. So why would it not be fair to expect my significant other to have the same values?

    Think of it like reading a script. I would attest it to like you are basically only reading the dialog for the scenes in which your character shows up. Basically, only the parts you think you need to read to understand the person you are talking to. However, there is so much context on the other pages of the script. It can tell you the history behind all the characters. It would describe what the world in general is like. As well, in terms of the script there could be details from a logistic end that tells you about what kind of pacing and style the show is aiming for which can completely alter the way you need to portray it. That’s what I mean by learn to understand who you are talking to as well just for further clarification. Hopefully this “artist” style of talking helps to make things more enlightening.

  • marlin May 13, 2016

    The artistic perspective did help a lot, thanks.

    So to sum up, in order to be ready to understand someone without having any prior knowledge of who they are you have to like eagerly gather up all your experiences ready with them to throw anything at you that allows you to relate to them based on those experiences. But what if you don’t have an experience to relate to them but you still want to be able to understand them, you said that “I can’t and nor should I have to tell you exactly where to go,” but what if I need and want you to tell me exactly where to go at times because I have no prior experience to help me understand you. Wouldn’t then I need actual direct “answers” ?
    In theatre we tend to usually play adults that are going through situations way more complicated for us to fully initially understand. Like falling in love, or having a son murdered. And we are asked to substitute those things with things similar to them. So I would substitue being in love with really liking someone and having a son die with having my dog die, but that is not enough. The director would usually pull me out one-on-one and say that I am not giving it enough or I am merely mimicking so it isn’t real enough. Directors sometimes HAVE to exactly tell you what to do and where to go, so far as blocking. And yes initially it is only mimicking, you are like a puppet not really emotionally involved in what you’re saying or doing, but i have found that through repetition you start saying the lines and doing the blocking automatically without thinking about it and that allows your mind to be free and explore the emotions and as you allow you’re inhibitions to vanish you slowly start understanding. And I believe you can understand such an extreme situation without having personally gone through them because as humans we are able to resonate with things that are honest. We might not understand it logically but we feel it and sometimes in order to do that we NEED someone to give you answers, such as in this case the director would do. Yes, they don’t give you ALL the answers but they have to sometimes give you an answer to allow you to figure out the rest.

  • Alan May 13, 2016

    Just to make sure, with what you just wrote you seem to be mixing up the term “blocking” with like setting up stage logistics in a “scripted” play versus “blocking” from an emotional point of view with “improvisational” theatre. So here is a quick wiki description:

    “In order for an improvised scene to be successful, the improvisers involved must work together responsively to define the parameters and action of the scene, in a process of co-creation. With each spoken word or action in the scene, an improviser makes an offer, meaning that he or she defines some element of the reality of the scene. This might include giving another character a name, identifying a relationship, location, or using mime to define the physical environment. These activities are also known as endowment. It is the responsibility of the other improvisers to accept the offers that their fellow performers make; to not do so is known as blocking, negation, or denial, which usually prevents the scene from developing”.

    So now that it is clearer maybe re-reading what I wrote will give you a better perspective incase you were mixing the two up. A director or whoever should never be jumping into an improvised scene like this. If they do it’s more for like theatre sports such as that curveball or to stop the whole thing in general.

    I don’t mean this blocking:

    “In contemporary theater, the director usually determines blocking during rehearsal, telling actors where they should move for the proper dramatic effect, ensure sight lines for the audience and work with the lighting design of the scene.”

    So if you are comfortable using this as an analogy then you have to in a sense stick with the same circumstance (No cheating here). Example, in real life you won’t have a “director” to tell you what you should do and feel. It would be the stage of real life with you in real time just like the improvisational theatre example.

    Think of it. What if you don’t have the life experience and skill to match up with that other performer to create that magic on stage? You are probably going to get more experience somehow then right? Maybe that’s through training, from watching like a documentary, volunteer at a community centre, going to a different country, etc. Think about it. How can I “teach” you to be sensitive per se? Like exaggerating here, if you grew up in a very entitled environment do you think anything I say will necessarily help? If you have never felt the pain of loss and defeat as example, like literally never, I can’t teach you that. All you can really do is research and analyze where the most sensitive people are and “study” the things they do and maybe try it for yourself. Like there I could recommend you to attend a class but I can’t do the leg work for you and nor should I.

    Like I mentioned before, odds are you grew up in an environment where say being blunt is more socially acceptable. So if you have surrounded yourself with these types of people then how in the world would you ever get the skill and experience to talk to a sensitive person? Like there the solution would be pretty straight forward. Genuinely want to be around people who are sensitive and learn the lifestyle, so to speak.

    Think of that too. If you were say going to a new class to learn a new skill you are doing it to improve yourself overall. That would enable you to like work with someone like me better. So like there the focus isn’t so much of you doing things specifically for me per se but you are improving yourself in general which it would then say enable a person like me to communicate with you better. Really read and digest this bit of information. Don’t rush it.

    As I indicated for it to be authentic I have to feel it. That doesn’t mean I have to literally experience the exact same thing you just did. I don’t have to have a kitchen sink fall on my head to know what the pain would be like. That’s why like I said to get me to jump in that same way I have to do things differently such as thinking in a way where I bottle everything up or that I constantly worry about the things I have no control over.

    There are probably thousands of ways for you to learn about the person but you are choosing not to. Like example, I assume you have read less than 80% of the content here correct? If you truly were passionate about learning about me you could literally read every single post (Which I don’t expect people to btw). Would it make sense if I was like the guy in real life now that you say you are lost and that you need actual answers? I would say no as I am inclined to say you probably have similar types of resources/opportunity to get to know him but you aren’t taking advantage of it. He may not have like a blog as an example, but I am pretty sure you can like find stuff such as hobbies he is into, favorite subjects, etc.

  • marlin May 13, 2016

    I knew what you meant by blocking the first time.

    I might be reading this completely wrong but it seems like you think I’m not really taking in what you are saying. I AM thinking about it, i’ve read your comments more than 3 times before I reply, I am not “rushing” it. I do want to get to know you but that doesn’t mean I have time to read 80% of what you’ve posted. I am spending my free time i get REPLYING TO YOU LIVE. I wonder if maybe to you it seems like I am not “experienced” enough or want it enough to truly understand what you’ve been preaching to me but I do understand it. The guy I initially came here to understand hasnt even been on my mind for the most recent replies i have made cause i have now just been talking to you for the sake of me wanting to understand you.
    To me it seems more like you are wanting me to think what you think instead of wanting me to understand what you think, because you are not asking me any questions on why I think the way i do. You are not like “oh you think a person can give you answers, i personally dont, but why is it you think that?” Instead you like think im wrong for thinking that, or i guess thats what it SEEMS like to me. yes, there was times when i directly asked you questions to hear what you have to say, and im not talking about those times. But when I make the statement, “I think..” you are not asking me why I think said statement , and if you are you have to try and persuade me to think like you instead maybe hearing me out?
    But no actually maybe I am the only one being closed minded here and you are approaching this conversation absolutely perfectly. Because as far as I can tell you’ve made no fault in your communication it’s just me. maybe I just spent this whole time replying because I want to idk boost my ego? Because I really don’t care at all about who you are. Why would i? I am only a teenage girl trying to get some guy to notice me!!!!

    I wasn’t even thinking about “him” but now that you’ve mentioned this mysterious him I should clarify the reason that I am not approaching him the way I should and want. Its because I can’t. He is older than me, and by older I mean OLDER. He is my teacher and he is already in a committed relationship and I am crying now as I type this because I really really really like him. Sooooooooo much. he has made me look at things differently he has challenged me he motivates me and he does all this without him even knowing. And I can’t tell him this ARE YOU CRAZY. I CANT. You might not think that a person can change you but I feel changed because of him. This is not infatuation but I also know it’s not love. I just know I FEEL IT SO MUCH that there is the potential that I could fall in love with him I just can’t take the chance to try to make that happen. How can I in this situation?

    And I am not even blunt at all. I am actually shy, like I hardly talk at all except to friends. But I don’t even have close-close friends to talk about the deeper stuff I feel and think. I guess that’s why at home I usually always talk to myself as if someone was there who was listening. I’ve actually been a lot better at talking to people these past 2 years and I do not give the impression of being shy because I try and act all confident, because I don’t like being shy I want to be confident it just personally hard for me.

  • Alan May 14, 2016

    This is going to be like a double response as there are kind of two topics that came out. So treat it as two separate topics. Point of note too, the second topic actually may answer a lot of questions anyways so keep that in mind. You can actually just jump to that second topic if you don’t feel you have the energy to handle the first topic.

    First Topic:
    I’ll use a simple example which kind of demonstrates why I ask you to read things say carefully and to take your time. I am keeping in mind your phrase too of “I am just not used to having a conversation in this form, like on the internet. It does require more patience because face expressions and inflection is eliminated.” I gave you this phrase:

    ”There are probably thousands of ways for you to learn about the person but you are choosing not to. Like example, I assume you have read less than 80% of the content here correct? If you truly were passionate about learning about me you could literally read every single post (Which I don’t expect people to btw)”

    Does the word in brackets saying “(Which I don’t expect people to btw)” mean anything to you in terms of changing the context of the statement if I was to not have those bracket words there? Why do you feel I placed those words there in the first place? Give me your exact interpretation of that whole phrase in context. What was I saying to you in your own words?

    If you are trying to learn about me too read this line you wrote.

    “I am spending my free time i get REPLYING TO YOU LIVE”

    Do you honestly don’t see something wrong with that sentence in context with what you are asking for on multiple levels? There is no shame in admitting too if you are truly that oblivious to it. Like generally speaking why do you think things on this site are structured the way they are? Tell me in your own words the rational and technical reason for it where you can use this post as the basis. And yes, this is to help.

    My last reply of the blunt too as an example I said “Like I mentioned before, odds are you grew up in an environment where say being blunt is more socially acceptable. So if you have surrounded yourself with these types of people then how in the world would you ever get the skill and experience to talk to a sensitive person?”

    What does that have to do with you specifically being blunt or not? Like for this one I will actually explain it(You should still try and answer the others above if possible). I am emphasizing your environment and how it directly affects your ability to hone your skills. Like saying even if you don’t personally say cuss words every day, if literally everyone around you treats it like it’s normal then it is going to feel “abnormal” in a sense when people start talking say more formal and intellectual. Hence, it would be like saying if you want to learn to talk to people who speak more formally or intellectually then just genuinely start to surround yourself with those people.

    What is not true about that in your mind? Why would you respond by saying “And I am not even blunt at all. I am actually shy.”

    Would you actually do this in real life too? Example, you go up to someone saying you want to do better in theatre and to learn how they think and do things. So let’s pretend they say “here is a book I wrote that you should read first.” How would you respond there? See if there is any consistency or inconsistency as to how you respond both offline and online. How do you think people would generally react to whatever the response may be that you give them?

    Second Topic:

    For your line of:
    “But when I make the statement, “I think..” you are not asking me why I think said statement , and if you are you have to try and persuade me to think like you instead maybe hearing me out?”

    Think of that rationally. Who is trying to learn about who here? What did you say your objective was in asking your questions initially? So for me why would I in a sense go off topic? Is not a big point of you understanding me, if that is truly still what you want at this point, involve you thinking like me too? Otherwise we are going all over the place.

    Just generally speaking, with your last few paragraphs about your teacher and the older age this is what I mean too. That conversation has zero to do with me or you trying to understand a person like me. It took a while to pop that out of you, but with what you wrote there the real questions you have are more about you and trying to explain these feelings that you have which make absolutely no sense to you.

    If you think of it in context that makes sense too as to why you are emphasizing so much on why I am not asking you things like “why do you think” this way and such. Because the objective here is completely different. In my view it’s not that you want to learn about me necessarily or how people think like me are per se. Instead I feel it’s more about you needing someone to say sit down with you and be a listener to have those deep conversations with to get you answers about the stuff you are specifically feeling. Am I right or just so dead wrong in your view? No one should have to talk alone for example.

    If we were to change this topic to you instead then in my opinion this conversation is all wrong in terms of focusing on the perspective of personality. With the way you reacted just now you shouldn’t even rule out the possibility that there could be like say a “scientific” reasons for this. Example, what is one of the things that guys usually joke about in terms of what they dread over when it comes to girls? Based on what I hear usually anyways it’s the three letter word. PMS. I am saying this in a very serious way too as to my understanding anyways that stuff makes woman react in very emotional ways (Think there is another thing called PMDD too). I can only imagine that at a younger age too it’s harder to deal with if you are going through stuff like that.

    Unfortunately in this case I am not a female so of course can’t technically say I experienced exactly what you are going through in terms of the weird things we have to go through when growing up as a teenager. Nor am I doctor to give you like scientific medical advice for this (Again, assuming there are scientific factors to this which again I wouldn’t rule out the possibility). It must be extremely worst as you say to not have anyone close to talk to about it.

    So first thing is first when it comes to this topic. Am I right or am I wrong in terms of what you truly want here? Cause only then can I find the proper way to in a sense help you.

    Just to bring the conversation to a whole circle too, you mentioned “I do not give the impression of being shy because I try and act all confident.” Just to emphasize one of the key underlying points overall that I have been saying to you and many people where we have to start with ourselves first. You talk about having trouble getting out of character for example. I would say that journey starts by you having the courage to stop being someone else and learning to just be yourself first.

  • marlin May 14, 2016

    Okay, so in reading,
    “There are probably thousands of ways for you to learn about the person but you are choosing not to. Like example, I assume you have read less than 80% of the content here correct? If you truly were passionate about learning about me you could literally read every single post (Which I don’t expect people to btw)”
    It seemed like you were implying that in order to convince you that I am truly passionate in knowing you I HAVE to read 80% of your content: “IF you TRULY were passionate…” ya, see? To which I replyed, “I am spending [the] free time I get REPLYING TO YOU LIVE” meaning I don’t have the TIME to read 80% of your content, but that doesn’t mean I’m not passionate about learning about you it just means I’m not obsessed about you to put off things more important in my life and read everything you’ve ever posted. So I don’t get what’s wrong with that sentence. Why does it seem contradicting to you or whatever?

    Ohhhhh, I understand your, “odds are you grew up in a blunt enviornment…” reply now! I misinterpreted it to mean like, “JUDGING FROM HOW YOU RESPOND odds are YOU grew up in a blunt enviornment…” like implying I am blunt. But that statement wasn’t personally directed at me, it was like stated about everyone, like you meant that “odds are I grew up in a blunt enviornment” because MOST PEOPLE do not because you think I personally, unlike everyone, has. And I thought that’s what you meant. I’m right now, right? I can’t help but doubt, myself at this point about whether I’m interpreting things right, lol.

    2nd topic:

    Yes, I have to try and think like you to understand you but that doesn’t mean you have to force me to think like you, I’m exaggerating of course. In my goal to understand you, you could assist me better by understanding ME, therefore asking questions about why i think things, not by solely explaining yourself to me and like implicitly saying how what i think is wrong, which you mostly seem to be doing. But if your goal hasn’t been to help me understand you but to help me understand the guy I had initially mentioned you ARE going off topic because after I mentioned him you never once asked about him. ?? Now i must ask, what do you think you’ve been helping me with this entire time?

    You must know that I’m the kind of person that once they realize they do something they become really aware of themselves to try and not do it again. So when I admitted that I came to you too boldly because I wanted answers about someone other guy and was frustrated, I realized that and did not do it again. When I admitted that I’m not used to conversing online, I started trying to elaborate myself more and tried to be more accurate in my word choice and stuff. So ever since I admitted that I was having trouble understanding a guy, I wasn’t focused on him anymore but you. And that might be hard to believe but it’s true. If you didn’t catch it this whole paragraph I wrote:

    “But no actually maybe I am the ONLY one being closed minded here and you are approaching this conversation absolutely PERFECTLY. Because as far as I can tell you’ve made NO fault in your communication it’s just me. maybe I just spent this whole time replying because I want to idk boost my ego? Because I really don’t care at all about who you are. Why would i? I am only a teenage girl trying to get some guy to notice me!!!!”

    Was. Pure. Sarcasm. I capitalized some words just now so the sarcasm could be more easily detected.

    Yes, you are right I do for a change just want to sit down with someone and pour my feelings out but understand that that was not at all what I was focused on this whole time I’ve been talking to, only initially when I had admitted it about my frustration.

    Why do I want to get to know you? It’s simple, I just have a passion of understanding others, I find it cool and I feel like in doing so I learn more about myself than in any other way. It shouldn’t be hard to believe, especially for someone like you who likes helping others.

    Okay, I know you’re being serious about the PMS thing but I can’t take it seriously, lol. I just find it funny you bringing it up, it’s not that I disagree with you. I am not so much confused as why I feel the way I do but rather at what I should do in respect to those emotions, yanno? What CAN I do?

    Talking to myself helps. Yes, it looks like I’m crazy but I get my emotions and thoughts together and I find clarity when I do. Just because it seems abnormal doesn’t mean its something someone shouldn’t do. It makes me feel really in-touch with myself. But of course i only do it at home, haha.

  • Ocean May 14, 2016

    Dear Marlin,
    First of all, you are not crazy. You are just overwhelmed with thoughts. There is nothing wrong with talking to oneself. In another way, it is called self reflection.
    My dear, Alan was trying his best to provide you assistance. To say he wasn’t asking you about yourself and the other guy in your life isn’t fair. If he didn’t want to help, why would he spend his energy explaining so much to you? Even as his reader, I find difficulties in trying to address your issues too because it just comes in hapazardly. As initially, you come off as you wanted to know about him as a pisces. Then suddenly, you brought in yourself, your unresolved feelings about how you should do for your life, and third, you bring the other guy in into the picture.
    If you jump from 1 problem to another without solving the initial one within yourself, you just end up confusing and tiring yourself and everyone who is trying to help.
    Just from my point of view.

  • marlin May 14, 2016

    Thanks Ocean, I appreciate an outsiders point of you.
    I will take the blame for causing initial confusion and not really resolving it. I know Alan is trying to help I just later on felt like he was being condescending towards me, but that’s just because I am all over the place, I see that now. I am curently trying to make myself more clear because we were never on the same page to begin with.
    Gosh, thanks for taking the time to read all those comments, lord have mercy on you for also having to put up with me!
    And I trust your opinion since I’ve noticed that you are very involved in this blog, i’ve seen your comments here too. 🙂

  • marlin May 14, 2016

    Ugh, I meant point of view not point of you

  • Ocean May 14, 2016

    Haha. Thanks Marlin for the blessings.
    At a point of my life I was like you. There are many whys within me, many questions that I want an answer to. But that answer is actually within yourself.
    How do you want to view it yourself. When someone throws you a criticism, will you want to take it negatively or positively. Do you want to beat yourself up or you want beat that person up, or perhaps do you want to continued being low morale etc and stay in that depressive state or accept that remark and improve yourself and thank that person after he had made you stronger?
    You mentioned that he gave you a feeling of condescending you, re read what you wrote to him too. Your tonality and choice of words and capitalisation too. It might be being blunt that he could converse to you better? To morph into a person like you to be able to talk to a person like you better? I am just making a guess here. Of course as you said, you realised it thereafter that you should have been more tactful like in your choice of words.
    Yes, I am kind of involved in Alan’s blog. I almost read all of his posts, some meaningful ones I re read over and over again because every time I read it I gain a new insight. It’s like visiting a favourite place of yours, eg. the sea and you get different sceneries every time. Therefore, I am very thankful to him.

  • Alan May 14, 2016

    For the first section of answer you have completely avoided one very important question. So before I continue here are the questions again:

    “Would you actually do this in real life too? Example, you go up to someone saying you want to do better in theatre and to learn how they think and do things. So let’s pretend they say “here is a book I wrote that you should read first.” How would you respond there? See if there is any consistency or inconsistency as to how you respond both offline and online. How do you think people would generally react to whatever the response may be that you give them?”

    You have also missed the question of ”Like generally speaking why do you think things on this site are structured the way they are? Tell me in your own words the rational and technical reason for it where you can use this post as the basis. And yes, this is to help.”

    These actually play an important part for the second topic section too as you clearly still don’t get it to a certain extent(As in it does seem you are super oblivious to it maybe ). And based on your new response of the “odds are you grew up in a blunt environment…” there’s proof that re-reading things a bit more even if you think you got it the first, second or third time if you are coming from a not so positive mind frame can be a good idea.

    I’ll address the second topic after once you answer the above, but just a quick thing about really thinking again is like the PMS comment since you say you can’t take that example seriously. So, for a different example I can even change that to why do you think most places have laws where you have to be a certain age to sign a contract? That’s not like to say an insult either as people are trying to use real “scientific” stuff to determine why you are the way you are and again you should factor these types of things in.

  • Flower May 14, 2016

    Hi, sorry to interfere in this kind of complicated conversation between Marlin and Alan.. Im a regular reader and biggest fan of Alan, but from last few days i couldn’t understand where this all conversation is going.
    Ok to start from beginning in her first comment Marlin has written “I just tend to be the kind of person who hates the mystery I like to be raw and forthright from the start and to everyone. I don’t like the idea of shielding my deeper emotions–my true self–from others.
    I just want to further challenge your “personality type” given you already acknowledge some of its drawbacks. “… Means if we take these lines to be pure intentions of Marlin to approach this blog 1) she implements that she is very ‘raw’ and straight forward. 2) she wants to challenge a person with a personality like Alan or Pisces.
    In my mind from all comments i have read of Marlin these two points sum up all her personality and aim to come here. My dear marlin if you really intend to ‘Learn’ anything from this site, you first have to take a deep breath, sit down, and empty your all mind. Empty it from all previous conceptions and emotions that you have been feeling all through your life for once. Feel yourself like a student who is in class ready to learn something he really wants to know, but the ‘blackboard ‘ of your mind should be definitely clear and empty for new information to get written on it. This is the only way you can be able to acquire this knowledge that you really require. For once in your life do not ‘question’ but just listen to what Alan has been preaching to us through his blog. There are some very interesting topics that he has written in his blog in sections ‘Love and romance’ and ‘ personality and mindset’. Im sure if you will give it a read, some of your sought questions could be answered correctly. But again I have to emphasise here that you have to really make your mind believe first that previously you knew nothing about this ‘Knowledge ‘ or about someone with Alan’s personality , so you could prepare your mind to seek the new knowledge.
    But on the other hand if you insist on being ‘raw’ and kind of ‘challenging ‘ or ‘insulting ‘ every single person who tries to help you out here, what you will gain?
    First just decide for yourself, are you here to ‘learn’ something about personality like Alan/pisces, or to ‘Challenge ‘ his personality or some aspects that you don’t like? Just like our friend Ocean said, be clear about your questions or problems that you want to be solved here.

  • marlin May 15, 2016

    To Alan:

    Sorry, I wasn’t like avoiding those questions or anything.

    Okay for the book thing, regardless if I really were to read it I would be like “thanks so much, I am looking forward in reading this!” And give a nice friendly smile. Like I would say that even if I weren’t to really read it for whatever reason. Is that bad? And what I would really do, is most likely read the book because if they’re explicitly telling me that I should read it first to get an understanding of what I want I would. Now, its also like how big a book we talking here? And if it’s really big then I’d read some of the beginning and if I see that it really helps then I’d keep reading but if it doesn’t help much I would most likely skim the book till something that helps comes up. I would let the teacher or whatever know how much content of it I really read in a kind way, like I wouldn’t be like “yeah, this didn’t help at all” Instead if it really didn’t help at all I would be like “I still have a few questions…” hope that helps.
    Now, in general speaking with the structure of this site. First, you read posts, which mostly consist of your answers to other people’s question, to try and figure out what your goal is with this site to get an idea of whether you yourself want to ask a question that you think this Alan guy can help with. And that’s all I can say for structure…like listen some so you can then be listened to?
    Okay they’re laws that put restrictions on people of certain age because sientifically parts of the brain don’t develop till later so people are “supposed” to be more mature and responsible once they’re whatever age it is. I know you know that some people’s brain mature faster than others so one could be 17 and have the maturity of someone who is 25. And some people that are 30 can possibly still be very mature. Science can estimate the average age at which one has fully matured but you can never really be certain. Yanno, like how you were raised and stuff like that also play a role. Society overall tends to decide when they think people are old enough to do things as if the biggest thing they think people have in common are their ages when determining how valuable our voices are. But they couldn’t be more wrong. One of the biggest differences we have as people is the pace in which our brains matures, society just wants everyone to conform to their expectations to try and establish order but we are far too complex to conform successfully, that’s why some people always end up feeling misunderstood and like imprisoned in the system.

  • marlin May 15, 2016

    To Flower,

    Hi flower I’ve noticed your activity here as well and I’m sure you mean a lot to Alan as well 🙂

    I don’t want things to get even more complicated here with 3 different conversations so i’ll get right to the point with your concerns about me.

    Yes, I said I perfered to be raw and what not but just because I prefer to be a certain way doesn’t mean I am, yanno, it could mean that it’s a work in progress.

    I do want to be more clear in my objective and I realize I haven’t been the whole time, I appreciate your “interferrence” and also value your opinion, being someone that truly has seem to have grown as a person due to Alan.
    I honestly, take what you’ve said to heart, thank you, I really liked what you said about emptying your mind, I’ll try and be more aware about that now. It is extremely hard to do that, at least for me.
    After my conversation with Alan “resolves” or comes to be a more productive and positive experience for both of us I would very much enjoy your final critic then on whether I improved any, thanks.

  • Flower May 15, 2016

    Besides for your scepticism that you have used for Ocean and then me, I still would like to help you in a way like a younger sister. Let me tell you how can you get help from this site and from ‘insight’ of Alan. If im not wrong in perceiving your real problem, it’s about all that frustration and confusion that you get where as a teenage girl you are involved or interested in a mature and older teaching figure at your school. Its not very uncommon and tend to happen a lot in schools. So if you put a question to Alan that ‘ Alan, im confused as im attracted to a pisces man who is older than me and he is my teacher. ‘ here you can add further that how he treats you, in which ways he is helping you but still he doesn’t tend to understand your feelings for him. You can explain here how are you approaching him, what qualities he has that you find unique and attractive, how he is affecting you in a positive way. Tell Alan about how you feel for him in detail and what’s confusing you in this whole matter. This way will answer your all frustrations im sure. This will give a single direction to all your queries and problems. And you will give a better chance to Alan to help you out in best way.

  • marlin May 15, 2016

    To Alan,
    I meant people that are 30 could possibly still be very IMMATURE, you probably figured it out but just in case

  • marlin May 15, 2016

    Dear Flower,

    I think that’s a good idea, I would really want someone to listen to this problem and get their point of view; however, I would feel uncomfortable talking about it and posting it in public…
    I have told some of my friends because I had to tell SOMEONE, I couldn’t take it anymore, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell them the severity of it because I know they wouldn’t take me seriously. I was just like yeah I have a crush on my teacher. Which sounds normal enough but in reality it’s way way more than that is way more complicated.

  • Flower May 15, 2016

    Dear Marlin,
    Im so happy to see you opening up to the idea of sharing your problem with Alan on this site. To tell you this is beauty of Pisces or personality like Alan that are none judgmental. Just try to notice all stories shared by people on this site. It ranges from simple flings to serious obsessions or even sexual involvements. Nothing to worry and do not feel awkward at all. Without mentioning any names or places, share your whole story with all emotions and feelings that you are experiencing. Just feel like you are taking counselling from a counsellor. Do not hesitate. ?

  • marlin May 15, 2016

    I would just like to apologize to Alan and all his viewers for having misrepresented what his site is all about.

    I hope you guys know that it was never my intention.

  • Alan May 15, 2016

    Oh, your last reply kind of makes my response a little awkward. Makes me curious as to what exactly your mindset was in the first place, which we were all trying to narrow down, and what exactly caused the epiphany, so to speak, to make you change course just now.

    For educational purposes though this is what I was going to reply to you with if you wanted to answer it as maybe it will help with the whole communication aspect in general as again you mentioned having conversations like this online is like new to you. So I am assuming you now “get it” but this can be for fun if you wanted to imagine yourself on how you would of replied before and after your epiphany.

    To reemphasize the question it is:
    “You go up to someone saying you want to do better in theatre and to learn how they think and do things. So let’s pretend they say “here is a book I wrote that you should read first.”

    Now you did reply with answers such as saying “Like I would say that even if I weren’t to really read it for whatever reason. Is that bad?” The size of the book is irrelevant in the overall picture. But to make it crystal clear you just said “regardless if I really were to read it I would be like “thanks so much, I am looking forward in reading this!” And give a nice friendly smile.” So what if that person saw right through your “Nice friendly smile” so to speak? How do you think that makes you look? Do you think it is very hard for the person to tell?

    Combined with a follow up of “I would let the teacher or whatever know how much content of it I really read in a kind way, like I wouldn’t be like “yeah, this didn’t help at all” Instead if it really didn’t help at all I would be like “I still have a few questions…”

    Something to really think about here. With the circumstance why in your mind do you automatically assume for this scenario the “teacher or whatever” will still be there? At the same time, why do you feel in your mind you are automatically say entitled to have the person still be there? What extra detail for the scenario did you just add in your mind to make that the case as an example?

    Your answer should be consistent. You dubbed it as “teacher or whatever” change it to anything specific. Remember, the scenario is you went up to the person and they asked you to first read the book. That can be a teacher, a stranger sitting in the library, a veteran theatre director, a well-known actor, your friend, your parents, the CEO of a large corporation and the list goes on. I can change this from “book” to anything else but the essence of the question is the same. Let’s hear your answer.

    For further clarification the question for the site is “Why do you think things on this site are structured the way they are? Tell me in your own words the rational and technical reason for it where you can use this post as the basis.”

    The question wasn’t along the lines of “What do you think the purpose of this website is for and what is your personal approach to it?”

    The non-website oriented question would be along the lines of “Why do you think this building/house/gym/studio/restaurant/supermarket/(whatever else you can think of) is structured the way it is? Tell me in your own words the rational and technical reason for it where you can use this room as the basis.”

    The way you responded to the age law restriction issue is pretty much exactly why I am asking you these questions too. Noticed how even from a word count point of view you spent so much passion/energy answering/elaborating that than say the site structure question?

    Although, I am keeping in mind your response is before you read all that stuff from like the others. So let’s see what your answers are with all the information that was given to you.


    Again, this is more just for a “fun and educational” perspective if you still wanted to answer it with the two mindsets you had as there may be more people who think the exact same in the future. Would be for me to know too if there was a technical reason for it.

  • marlin May 16, 2016

    The one thing that would be genuine no matter what, in my response to the book thing, is the “thank you.” Because I would be appreciative that this person willingly chose to help me. Now if I knew from the start that I wasn’t going to read it but said “..I’m looking forward to read it!” And smile, honestly I would think the other person would find it hard to see through my smile, just due to the plain fact that it’s not hard for me to pull off a friendly smile. It’s not that I want to be decieving or anything I mean that person deserves a friendly smile regardless because they made a friendly offer, and they deserve to have they’re offer taken seriously. That being said I would most likely read the book unless I didn’t have time or something. But I probably wouldn’t know that I couldn’t read it right when she offered it, I would probably realize that later. I guess the only reason I would know that I wouldn’t read it right away is if I was sure that the person offering it to me was not a credible resource to accept that offer from, but not likely.
    I thought about a teacher as the person offering the book unconsciously because that’s just what came to mind in my brain in order to relate better to the question, I thought you weren’t aware of how vague you were so I wanted to like make the question more specific but now I see that you are intentionally making it general. So since I thought about my theatre teacher I just assumed that she would still be there since I see her everyday.

    I’m still confused about what you want to get from the structure question. Like if you want to know the REASON behind the structure of your site isn’t that the same as me asking me the purpose of this site? I know you are refusing to directly give me “answers” to why you are making these questions and what you are wanting me to respond with, because you are asking me these questions as a tactic for me to figure it out on my own, but it’s frustrating especially when I’m conscious that you’re doing it. And like I want to figure it out I just wish I could already!

    Yes, I was more elaborate in that other response because It was more clear to me what you were asking.

  • marlin May 16, 2016

    Okay, just to clarify like I still have this new “mindset”, I realized it by reading different comments from other posts and seeing how kind and sincere you were to other people and how kind they were back, it’s really great what you’re doing here <3
    I'm just curious to see how you would have made me figure it out with these "questions". And you're right, it is kinda fun :p

  • Aly August 14, 2016

    Ugh! I knew a very kind Piscies man that I am pretty sure he was interested in me. He stared at me a lot. Pop up in places I would be. Run in front of me, just to open the door(gosh, I wish he knew how much I loved that). I was always nervous to look into his eyes because I feared he would know what I was thinking. He had such a deep intense stare. We always made small talk and never had long conversations due to both of us being a bit shy. I so, more than he. After 2 years of intense staring and small conversation, he pulled me aside to talk to me. I totally panicked, I couldn’t make eye contact, I think I started sweating, I didn’t want him to see me like that, so I quickly excused myself and never went back to talk to him. Well, little did I know, it’s been a year and I haven’t seen him since. I use to see him at work, but he got a knew job and I missed an opportunity to at least make a new friend. By reading this, people would probably never guess that I was an adult Leo woman. I am painfully shy. Don’t people grow out of it? Where ever he is, I wish him the best. He certainly didn’t deserve to be avoided. If I could say anything to him, I would say that I am an idiot. I was so attracted to your mind, body and soul. The way I left probably made you feel rejected and I am sorry for that. You deserve so much more and so much better.

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