Am I really in love?

Javier Asks:

I’m a pisces male Iv known this capricorn women since the 3rd grade me and her kept in touch but not a lot I never really got to know her the real her but I always felt that no matter what when I got to know her that I would love it simply because she always had this aura this great spirit around her. so I got to know her we linked up started hanging out almost every day and I started to grow feelings for her now we speak every day and communication was there but I felt for some reason she was holding something back or hiding something from me. we started getting intimate very intimate it was a mutual thing it didn’t matter who made the move once it was made whatever happened next was the mystery of the intimacy and I loved it.

now we got intimate and we got to know eachother really well but when I tried to make the move to get serious with her that’s when she gave me look it’s not my time speech yet she would give me such love and attention that It was hard to grasp on this supject. so me having faith that maybe it isn’t her time yet maybe I should back off and give her some space and if things go well we should be good. we’ll I was wrong when I backed off I started noticing something different about the way we spoke to eachother the intimate encounters stopped happening now yes I did ask for this I gave her some space I should expect someone to start acting different right? and suddenly I got this gut feeling that she gave me that bullshit about give me time just so she could do whatever she wants with someone else now grant it we never were in a serious relationship but it felt like it.

then out of no where the communication died along with see each other all the time I felt her being distant I tried looking at the whole situation and to try and understand what happened we were good we did have arguments but nothing too crazy it was always fun and peace when we would hang out but basically towards the end of it all she ended up being with someone else as my gut feeling told me that something was up i have been hurt this way before its nothing new to me i expected i would get over it in a little amount of time but for some reason i couldn’t help but feel an empty feeling inside it was a burning feeling I couldn’t eat I couldn’t force it either I wasn’t hungry but I knew I had to eat I was sad I couldn’t shake off the fact that she ended up with someone else I kept asking my self why am I hurting so bad I never felt this was before usually for any fall out with relationship I would be okay nothing like this though.

it’s been a couple months I have progressed in being more positive and having a better attitude about meeting someone’s else but for some reason I find myself constantly thinking about her every day and we don’t talk anymore i deleted her from my phone book and social media because I couldn’t stand to see her with the other guy. I honestly want to see her happy but I cant get her out of my head when we were together it was the best I felt like I finally met the girl for me but nope it didn’t turn out like that i don’t know if I’m in love with her just obsessing over someone who doesn’t even want to be with Me my question is what should I do what can I do

Javier,

I personally think the key is understanding your own emotions and why you feel the way you do. As you expressed, you are struggling with that at the moment. In my opinion, your question kind of relates to the whole conversation of why a person has like a “guard” or a “wall” when it comes to allowing people to enter into their heart. Keep in mind this is just my personal opinion, but hopefully it helps you to better understand what the answer is for yourself. I feel what I am going to say is the root of your emotional struggle and I’ll just use myself as an example and you can decide how true or not true it may be for you.

For myself I have more of a reserved personality. There is no real mystery as to why I developed this mindset as for the most part it was due to life experiences on how at times when I feel I have given something with extreme care or thoughtfulness to another the outcome wasn’t what I was expecting. It can range from something as simple as making a thoughtful gift for a person only to have them throw it aside to someone pretending they are in need just for them to end up using you. Hence, you start to develop this guard in life where you accept the realities that you have to in a sense be careful on who you fully “surrender” your love and support to. Like saying it’s one thing to get hit by an object where you were expecting it to a certain extent. It’s another having it just blindside you.

So in your situation it sounded like you essentially dropped all of your guard for this lady. You fully trusted your instinct and belief that because she gave you these special feelings that you fully released yourself to her. While it’s a fantastic feeling to be able to meet someone who you can feel that free around, on the flipside you are completely defenseless if you are dead wrong and they decide to “abuse” that trust.

I don’t think you are so caught up about her per se. It’s more about yourself on how you don’t want to be wrong in a sense. Example, maybe you never opened up fully to people this way and only do it if you are 100% sure you are right about the person’s authenticity and connection with you. So when it turns sour you tend to want to latch on to them and salvage it because you don’t want to be wrong about your choice in life in terms of how much of yourself you have given to her.

If I was to use a more tangible example that may be common let’s use sex in a relationship. Some people treat it in a very personal way such as they only have sex with like the person they marry or if they are 100% sure they are the one. Others see it as an activity that feels good and don’t mind doing it with as many people as possible as long as it makes them happy.

So imagine “person A” being paired up with “person B”. In this scenario, let’s say person A just thought everything was so right that person B is their life partner. Therefore, he decides to have sex with her. He then thinks they are going to get married and all. However, person B then leaves him. Can you imagine the turmoil emotionally that person A is going through right now? He had this mindset that he wanted to save himself for his one true love as to him it is something very special. As a result, he will obsess over person B now as that is not how the story is supposed to be. How could the person be so wrong? Surely they must be destined to be together one way or another right?

Again, this is just my personal opinion but based on what you wrote I feel you are kind of experiencing that emotionally in a sense. My assumption would be too that in your past relationships you have never dropped your guard and opened yourself up as much as you did for this lady. If what I said is true for you, then for myself I found that developing a deeper understanding of people and emotions helps a lot. Because in situations like this you should then be able to easily look back at the situation and map everything out logically as to why something occurred, where were the warning signs, etc. Basically, don’t just think of it entirely with emotions as if everything must end in a fairy tale fashion.

That’s why like for myself if I get “taken advantage of” per se it “sucks” of course. But through emotional growth and development I just developed a system that works for me. This would relate to like the post I made about “zones” and all in terms of where I place certain people in my life. Because like you demonstrated, just opening up can sting you for a long time with utter confusion and distress. I don’t doubt that you fell for this girl. At the same time, I think you are in a bit of denial possibly in terms of how she felt about you right from the start. Which is understandable with like the scenario I used as an example.

Finding some supportive people in your life would probably greatly help too. Because in many ways you just need to know you are not alone as there have been plenty of others who have been in the same situation as you.