Ask A Pisces Man Mailbag December 31, 2012

Alright, one quick round of answering e-mails before 2013 hits. Happy New Year Everyone. 🙂

BrokenHearted Asks:

Hi. I need your advice. I’ve been dating a Pisces man for a little over 5 months now and we’ve become best friends. Everything was so effortless so we moved REALLY fast. He brought up looking at a place and brought up the topic of moving in together a couple of times and I went with it. He also talked about marriage and kids with me. All of a sudden he gets scared and steps back. Keep in mind, I NEVER brought up any of this. I just went with it. Later he needs some space to figure things out (if he wants or is ready for this or not). He told me he wasn’t ready for how quickly he let me in and he wasn’t ready for me to be ready to move in with him, even though he brought it up. I don’t understand. He keeps acting like he wants to be with me (forever) and then he fights it.

Now his ex is in the picture… They dated for less than 2 months and she left him with no explanation 7 months ago but they had gotten very close when they were dating… He saw her recently (he was in the hospital and she visited him…) and became even more confused because it turns out he still has feelings for her. Because she left him with no explanation, that door was never closed… He was hurt by her. Now he wants space to decide where she fits in. This just complicated things so much more. He’s obviously attracted to her and he has been flirting with her the last few days… I feel like I shouldn’t even be asking but should I just give him some space to figure things out? Isn’t it likely that he’ll just end up dating her or becoming physical/intimate with her while I’m giving him space?

BrokenHearted,

Based on what you wrote to me it feels like he is trying to determine how much flexibility he has with you in terms of how much more in life he can get while still having you as well. Let’s think of it like where he knows that a sports team wants him no matter what and will pay him whatever he asks. As well, the team of course simply says yes all the way. It’s natural I feel in that case for the person to wonder is there something more they can get regardless like in this case if he says he wants to be with the same team forever.

Essentially, at this point he doesn’t really have a fear of loss when it comes to you for example I think. This is a tricky situation as if you purposely go with the route such as giving a time limit he could just as easily say “okay fine then, bye” in an act of pride and rebelliousness. Assuming this is true, I would say the key is finding out what exactly is he insecure about. Just trying to put myself in that situation there has to be something that I feel I am compromising, so to speak, in being with you that makes me not want to jump into it. I personally don’t feel giving space is the answer here as I know for myself I would want the person to try and find out while understanding what my concerns are. Of course you have to do it in a non aggressive way too. Open him up as he is asking for it I say.

Julie Asks:

Hello,

I’m glad I stumbled onto your site. I’m hoping you can give me some clarity regarding my situation. I met my Pisces in March and we hit it off since day 1. Our relationship moved pretty quickly, our connection and chemistry was amazing. In July we eloped and just 3 weeks ago he decided our marriage is a mistake and wants nothing to do with me. He blames our marriage failure on my ex-husband. He continually tells me that I act like I’m still married to him. However, I have no idea how or why he even feels that way. My ex-husband is very difficult and would constantly say mean things to me and my now current husband. I kept my contact with him to a minimal because we do have children together. My current husband claims that I like to go “hangout” with my ex when picking up my children from his home. First of all, this is untrue. Secondly, he needs to understand that my ex will always be in the picture, we have children together. Lastly, I do not “hangout” with my ex. On the contrary, my current husband’s best friend is a female and he goes over her house and sleeps over at times. So I’m not sure why being at my ex-husband’s house for 5 minutes is so upsetting to him.

The whole female bff thing is a whole other issue. She’s engaged and lives with her fiance. They all get along great and think I’m crazy because I’m the only one who feels disrespected for feeling uncomfortable with the sleepovers. I’ve never even met them yet and when I told my husband to introduce me, he says he will but gets angry and claims that I do not want to meet them and hate his friends(which is totally not true).

In any case, last month we got into a big argument and he tells me that our marriage is over. He said he can no longer deal with my ex husband and that I have not done enough to keep him away. Yet not even 24hours after our argument he ran off to try to hook up with his ex-lover. This is the 2nd time he’s fun off to another woman and attempted an affair. He excuses himself and says that I drove him to want to be with those other women but what he doesn’t understand is that two wrongs don’t make a right. I don’t run off to other men when I get upset with him. He can’t continue to blame his bad behavior or action on me.

In any case, just the other day he told me that he wants me to return our wedding rings to the store. He admitted to knowing he’s making a mistake by letting me go. He told me he knows he should be facing our problems head on & together but walking away is the only way he knows how to deal with his problems. He flips on me from day to day.. one day he’s nice and approachable, then the next he’s angry. Often times he drowns his sorrow by drinking and then messages me angry things. He likes to use alcohol as another excuse of his running to other women as well.

I’ve suggested he see a counselor regarding his childhood emotional scars and a marriage counselor would be great as well. He doesn’t want to see any type of counselor and wants nothing to do with me. I’m willing to work on our marriage and help him in any way I can but he needs to want to help himself first. I’m not sure what to make out of all this.. should I totally walk away from the marriage and leave him alone or??? I’m so confused.

Julie,

Before I give my thoughts, in general in these types of situations this is a personal preference in terms of how much one feels they should be supporting the other as everyone has their own tolerance limits.

Based on what you wrote, without knowing the specific details in his life it makes perfect sense to me why he blows up or blames your ex for all of the current difficulties. In my view, it feels like there is some part of his life that he is very insecure about such as having sacrificed a lot for others and not getting the same in return he feels. Essentially, I think he has a specific view in terms of how things should play out based on his ideal view of things. For example, give a charity $1000 and the fantasy is karma will return the good deed. However, in his case he views it as life has just continued to throw mud at him. Now for myself I personally don’t try to hide these disappointments with things with the use of like alcohol, but as you can tell many people like himself do.

Now let’s take the scenario you have given me with your ex husband. My assumption is he entered into the relationship assuming he would be like your protector and because you expressed say your dislike for your ex in his idealistic view that means you should treat him like the plague. Example, you may have kids with him and need to see him but he feels other than that you shouldn’t even give him a smile. Or if your ex mouths off to him then in your view you would like throw a rock a your ex. I’m exaggerating of course, but hopefully you get the point.

As a result of his idealistic view in terms of how things must go, by not doing it the way he thinks it should be done it is making him extremely insecure as to his place in your life. At the same time, it may simply be reminding him of the bad things in his past. Example, imagine a childhood where you got scammed. Therefore, you associate certain things as warning signs and have learned to dealt with it a specific way. Then imagine you have a friend that looks like they are being scammed too but they don’t agree with your method where in your mind you are 100% positive they are going to get scammed. It’s frustrating right? You will probably start to question things like “Am I truly your friend if you don’t trust me?”

Sleeping over at his BFF to me in this scenario shows me that he envies something in that relationship that he wishes he had with you. At the same time, accusing you of not wanting to get to know his friends is more of a way to say he thinks you will reject the things he cares or is passionate about in life. Example, a guy who is a geek who feels it is socially embarrassing to admit they have geeky hobbies and so instead of facing the possible chance of rejection they just label you as “just like everyone else.”

Bottom line, he needs help I say to kind of dive into his way of thinking and suggesting different ways of handling things in life. Do you want to be the one to do that? It is up to you as again that is a personal preference.

Simone Asks:

Dear Alan, Thank you in advance if you have any thoughts on my own pisces man saga.

I am 39, a Scorpio female, fairly easy-on-the-eyes..No problem attracting men, some solid dating experience, and pretty confidant.

I met my pisces through an online dating site. I was new in town, and after the urging of my co-workers began testing the online dating waters. I was not amused- but was told I was going about it wrong and not let men come to me..To spend hour sorting profiles, contact the men instead, one at a time so you don’t get too overwhelmed or in danger. I did just that and found the man I have been dating for 6 months.

Initially when I first saw his picture, I had a very good feeling. Very unusual for me as I am pretty fussy about who I find appealing or interesting. We hit it off right away through email, though he is 9 years younger and worlds different then I am. It took awhile to meet up. I flaked on him due to having too much going on in my real dating word, not online. I could not quit thinking about how I wanted to meet him though and contacted him again, finally met up, and started an actual courtship so to say.

The first three months were very trying. It took me about that long to realize I had to pursue him. Days would go by, I would not here from him, he would only occasionally initiate plans or call to say hi. Finally, I would break down and call him and he would drop everything to see me for days on end and was really wonderful. I would subtly ask for clues as to why he does not go after me-could he be not that into me? Someone else? etc…He told me he just has not had many women in his life romantically and he is self conscious. He drove me bonkers at times but slowly he began to assimilate me in his life, though I had to be a little aggressive and bossy. Not my style. He has many friends/work/ and family obligations. I knew all that going in and knew it would be hard but felt he was worth it. Eventually he took the hint to start being more communicative and so on..He would do great for a week then revert back to how he was. I know the Pisces process, I know it is hard for them to plan things and how they get carried away easily. He surprised me and told me he loved me several times while intoxicated a couple of months into it. Finally, after a few months I confided I may be falling for him. He coughed as an answer and was not sure about me for a while. I let that go and eventually, we decided mutually we were in love.

He is nearly impotent. It took him three months to have sex with me. He claimed at first he liked to take things slow and I respected that. I urged him to please see a Dr, when I found out, though it is yet to happen. He also has a drinking problem he wants to control, is a workaholic, and let’s just say has issues.

He is an insatiable partier and has blown me off a few times to hang with his friends. Sometimes he invites me along if I am conveniently around. He is always fiercely apologetic and remorseful when I say he is hurting me but it happens over and over again.

Now, Christmas went by..The week before he texted me that he has the whole weekend free and wants to get together. I said great I’ll call you tomorrow.I did and got a ters reply that he has bad reception, is sorry, at his mother’s and will head out in an hour. I never heard from him since. His brothers are in town and I knew i would be likely ignored, though he insisted he wanted me involved. Christmas came and went, no contact…He is fine as I see pics on Facebook parting with his friends he is tagged in.

So, I know there is A LOT already riding against this relationship. We are just such an excellent match and truly happy together when we are actually together. I have had enough relationships in my past to know when something is real…This is it. I feel like I can help him see through his issues and visa-versa…I am no walk in the park either.

We have an amazing psychic bond and potential for something great. He needs a good woman in his life to put him on a more fulfilling path. I dont express this to him but I know he can feel it. He is scared I am sure…How can I get him to quit being such a baby about it and fess up to reality without being harsh and controlling? I detest fighting and drama and avoid it at all costs. I am also open to breaking up at this point, I am so livid..but pity the next girl and wish I can get through to him. Just so he can improve his manners and relationship experience if anything.

Thank you for reading this rant!

Happy New Year!!

Simone

Simone,

Based on what you wrote I’m willing to bet that at this point he simply doesn’t have much self confidence or outlook that a women will ever want to be with him forever. Therefore, with like yourself it’s kind of like that “Okay, she is going to be gone eventually anyways as no one wants me forever and that there is a better guy down the road.” The straight forward answer in terms of how to get him to open up is to make him feel special and that what he offers in like a relationship is integral to you.

To me too that explains the excessive drinking and partying too as he doesn’t really have anything else to feel he is like a big part of something aside from like waking up and going to work. That fits in with why he would blow you off for his friends too at times. If you feel you are the women for him then again it’s a matter of instilling the confidence in him that you are going o be there forever and that you need him as much as he needs you.

Leonine-Aries Asks:

Hi Alan,

Love your site!

Here goes my question, and thanks for doing this 🙂

Met an amazing pisces man over the summer online, and quickly started texting and making plans to do things together. It’s obvious to both of us (and we have said so in the past) that we seem to be on the same wavelength even though personality-wise we are quite different.

I think my big mistake is that, while things were going well, I pressured him to deciding if we were classified as dating; to which he replied that it takes him a long long time to decide such things (especially because he has a child to consider), and though he thinks we are suited as friends, he’s open-minded.

We get along famously well, and he has admitted to feeling like he can be himself with me. He does things for me no man has ever done (and Imnot talking about the physical; I mean, in gestures, in actions, ongoing above and beyond).

He disappeared out of our usual rhythm for a bit, busy with work and his child, which I completely understood, though the odd reply of a text would have been nice. But when I reached out to ask if I had offended him in any way to let me know, otherwise it’s kind of difficult to be friends when one disappears. He finally replied to that, to let me in on all of the pressures he was facing, and to mention that he still thinks we are better as friends.

So I get that.

But lately, he is going above and beyond for me, even meeting my family and extended family over the holidays, playing with the bracelet I wear as we sit, sharing food plates, and later feeding me a bit of his dessert.

We are still platonic; but I sometimes wonder: is this just normal of a pisces man to be to his female friends, or at some level is he interested beyond such?

Aside: he knows I do want to have kids down the road; he is open but leans to no; not sure if that’s anything of value.

Thanks Alan!

Leonine-Aries,

In my view that is not “normal” for a person to be that close with someone if they strictly see it as “just friends” with the way you are describing it. To me it really does sound like he is just trying to get to know you in the most indirect and non invasive way as possible. Speaking for myself as an example of a person who has a more passive and reserved personality, there is no way I would even dare to get close to you like that if I didn’t see there was something potentially more.

Like for myself, while I try to treat everyone as nice as possible and offer as much of my energy as I can doing those gestures like you say of playing with your bracelet when you sit with each other is in many ways like flirting. Essentially one is giving out actions to see what the reaction is to determine where to go next.

It could very well be the child issue is a mix up in his head at the moment. Example, he already has a kid and wants no more yet you do want kids. So the conflict of having a lovely person where everything seems so good but certain life goals are different. So therefore, slowly diving more into you and your life is a way for him to evaluate is it worth it to be with you and have kids even though his desire is to not have kids anymore.

All in all, sounds like just a slow process so that you both can decide what is best for the both of you I say.