Ask A Pisces Man Mailbag May 26, 2013

Rodrigo Asks:

Hi Alan,

I know your blog is not specifically targeted for gay men, but I have found it to be a great resource and would appreciate any knowledge you can share about the Pisces man, after all, love is universal and astrology is fun!

I’ve gone back to your blog several times, and find your incredible advice, insightful opinions, and practical information quite helpful in trying to understand a young Pisces man I recently met. It has been about 6 weeks now. Except for growing up with a brother that is a Pisces…I have never had to deal with one in a relationship…so it is quite a challenge and new for me. I am Sagittarius…and tend towards Taurus and Scorpios, and vice versa…not sure why. Some of the comments on your blog are seriously “right on” regarding the Pisces. We are now at the point, where some of his Pisces characteristics are surfacing…and I am a little concerned about continuing to date him, as I don’t want to get hurt. I feel he is using me as a “transition” friend or support, and is confusing it with a more serious relationship.

Some background: Because he is younger…I was reluctant at first to date him, but he truly initiated and we have established a friendly attachment (no sex yet) that has turned into a lot of texting, late night phone calls and dinner once a week when we can manage to get together. We live 2 hours apart, and I have initiated so far by going to him. He very happily picks me up in his car, and we meet for dinner when I visit good friends of mine who live in his area on the weekends.

He is a workaholic, and is in school as well, pursuing a career in nursing. He seems to be VERY focused. He claims he is old fashioned and very connected to his family. Even though he is not “out” to them yet about his sexuality, they know. He has also been in a previous relationship with an older man, that he chooses to put behind him. He is in his mid-20s, and is determined to live independently on his own terms. He has mixed feelings about living at home, and is at the cusp of creating a new life for himself.

So here is my question: It has been 6 weeks, he “seemed” to be really into me for most of it > asking me personal questions, probing my lifestyle, being flirtatious and suggestive with no intention of having sex. He claims he is romantic, and not like other gay men. No hook-ups. He is looking for the real deal. He has made it clear that I am a good candidate, and we have discussed dating to get to know each other more seriously.

Am I just “jaded” or should I keep my guard up? Obviously, I want the relationship to move along faster, but he seems to be fine moving along at snail’s pace. He is very sensitive, needs a little self confidence building and somewhat self-deprecating when we are having intimate conversations. This week he has been caught up with his work…and he seems less engaged and much less interested. It’s quite baffling to me how much less. I am guessing he is just busy, and giving him some space.

On our last date, if he wants to continue seeing each other, even though it’s limited….he replies back very clearly…by saying “of course”, “why would I think that?” …lately his actions don’t match his words. Is this common with Pisces…I find his motives very difficult to “read”.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks Alan.

Rodrigo,

The first thing that I was trying to clarify in my head was how you mentioned he was clear that you were a good candidate. It would be very odd for a person with my personality to be like “Okay, I think you are marriage material. So let’s go on a date to find out” kind of thing. So I assume you mean he was telling you that he say feels you have similar interests and such and therefore wouldn’t mind to get to know you more.

With that in mind, to me your mention of things moving at a snail’s pace and essentially it seeming like based on actions that he doesn’t care one way or another if it moves forward is an indication that he still feels rejected/intimidated by you in one form or another. Another way of saying it is that his walls are up. To me this explains perfectly why he seems like he is so much more into his work as if you didn’t exist after as it gives him an excuse of sorts to not having to deal with situations that he is uncomfortable with.

Now I don’t know the person personally but that could be anything. For example, maybe he feels you have qualities that are so much better than him that it makes him believe once you find someone else you would quickly jump over. Or vice versa, maybe he just has this idealistic view of the type of person he is looking for and until he naturally sees all those qualities for the time being he has the mentality of let’s keep it stringing along until one gets the answer that they want. Basically a very passive way to do it whereas a more aggressive person would probably say interview style their date.

Ultimately this is a personal preference as to me this is nothing out of the ordinary of a passive style person. However, I’m sure a lot of people would find it irritating and too much work. From the sounds of it, the best way to put it is that he is simply trying to protect himself and doing what he thinks is right to avoid getting crushed or falling into a scenario where he doesn’t want to be like “other men” which you mentioned.

This is one of those situations where I feel again a good way of testing the scenario is if you have a genuine problem or challenge in life at the moment where you know he would be able to help you with. Cause usually in this case, despite all the passiveness how much they go out of their way per se to try and help you after is a good way to see their level of care for you. This could be something even as simple as needing help with an assignment or something too.

Becky C Asks:

I met a 57 yr male Oct 12 in my home state. I am 59 female/we went out twice and he went home. We have been texting/calling/emailing since then. He appeared to be honest, sweet and very interested in me. He talked about when we were together how much he missed me etc. We both have same type of sense of humor and laughed all the time. I asked him if he would like to meet in a half-way state for a long weekend. He said that would be great….After that phone conversation, I never heard from him again. I texted 3 times/ left phone message nothing. I sent e-mail stating I was shocked as he appeared to be such a nice guy etc. Still nothing. Was he playing me the whole time??

Becky C,

I can’t really analyze much here other than by the sounds of it either something happened in his life that’s preventing him from responding or he is simply ignoring you for whatever reason such as maybe he is actively seeing other people at the same time. This is probably one of those situations where it’s best to simply move on though while focusing on other people that you may be a good fit for. The bottom line is if he wanted you to know where he is and such he would have given you ways to stay in touch and all I say.

Maxine Asks:

Dear Alan,

Well my story is defined as “gone thru so much within a short period of time”. I have been dating my Pisces for over a year. We both got together at a very dark time in our lives. He had just broken up with his ex who was getting married right after and I had been binge drinking for the 2 years since my ex. Our love for booze n music brought us together and we began to think it was happiness..I being a Cancer have very severe mood swings.

I did not understand his need to escape and took it as rejection. My sever depression led me to try to commit suicide and once him inadvertently putting me in jail. This all happened wen he got custody of his kids. He was trying to be a better father and I was still in drunken party mode. I since, got help and have totally turned a 180. After a while he came begging me back and we tried a positive relationship which included doing more things with our kids and less boozing. We got into an argument which had to do with his ex and a gossip spill which was not my fault yet I was to blame. However he was very angry. He later came back around but web have not officially been back together. The hard part is we share the same very close friends and its almost impossible not to be around one another..we have had multiple deep conversations and have both evolved and changed. For the better

.he recently has found out his kids will be staying with him permanently. He told me to get over us and move on when I drew out all the cards on what we did wrong in the past and how now that we have overcame that I understand him more. But he said to move on. I told him okay and that I am not the type to give up on people easy but I hope he understood y I never gave up. Later that night he was messaging me” its crazy how I can’t want to be with you but want to talk to you” I decided to focus on some constructive and positive activities for me and my kids. I got into a situation I need his advice on because I truly feel he is the person that most understands me. His advice was right on the dot and helped me.

Also that day he lures me to go over to talk. All this back and forth and. I really don’t know if I should move on. I know we have definitely touched each others lives and inspired one another to make positive changes. I just can’t decide if that was our purpose n its time to open new doors or if he really does love me but feels inadequate to continue the relationship now that he has so much responsibilities with having his kids.

Maxine,

I don’t think this deals so much with trying to analyze a certain behavior as opposed to point blank if you two feel that being with each other hurts or helps your ability in life to say get over your drinking habits. It’s almost like a parent wanting to separate two kids as they know that putting those two together means they are prone to want to say steal or take drugs. Like in that case it’s best to split them apart.

You are both obviously adults so it’s basically an adult decision you have to make on what’s best for him, the kids and yourself. Based on what you wrote it sounds like he does care for you, but again it comes down to whether or not you two feel that being with each other will bring one or the other back into a lifestyle that isn’t acceptable.

For example, you say that he has so much responsibility now. If this is a relationship that you are trying to work in becoming closer with then I would think a priority would be to think how you being in his life is going to make things better in that regard as you have to integrate his kids into it. Like in that case, I would imagine being the person that is willing to go to parties with him isn’t what he needs.

That is really for you to decide. Do you want to be with him solely because it makes you feel good for example or do you genuinely want to be a part of his life and the family that comes with it? From there on you will be able to answer your question on what kind of role you believe he plays in your life.

Confused Leo Asks:

Hi, Alan. I apologize for the lengthy question in advance, but I feel I must provide enough context.

I, a Leo, met a Pisces guy online, on a dating site. I’m 24; he’s 26, about a year and a half older. He contacted me first, told me he was very “excited” when he saw my picture and profile. From day one, he basically told me he would like to make out with me sometime during our first meeting to determine if we had physical chemistry, so as not to “waste anyone’s time.”

Well, to be perfectly honest, I very much wanted to make out with him, lol, so I said alright. But then this is when things start to get pretty confusing.

We’re both virgins and are clear on our profiles that we’re looking for something long-term and don’t plan on having sex until we’ve married someone. (He seems even more vehement on this point than I am in my profile, actually.) However, he’s also admitted to being fearful of emotional intimacy. On top of that, after talking with him over the course of 4-5 days (and by now I could tell there was some very strong chemistry between us), this Pisces is suddenly quite certain he’d like to have sex with me!

Confused, I asked why he changed his mind; he said it just seemed “like the right time” and that I seemed “like the right person.” (Me being a virgin like him was also another one of his reasons.) I told him point-blank that while I’d love to have sex with him one day (I find him very attractive), I didn’t think it was a good idea right now. He seemed embarrassed by this and suddenly, the next day, wanted to call off our (first) meeting because he said he felt I was looking for something more serious (??) and that I “deserve better.” I explained to him I didn’t even want something serious right off the bat because I don’t really know him and was working on my career anyways, so I was perfectly fine having a casual relationship until we got to know each other better. He said ok and seemed more comfortable with meeting again.

Well, when we *did* meet in person things were VERY intense. He says he has social phobia (non-diagnosed professionally, though his opinion is that of a clinical psychology grad student), and yet the entire time we were conversing he couldn’t stop staring baldly into my eyes and always wanted to touch me! He pretty much handled me as if I was his girlfriend, holding me by the waist and buying me things here and there, brushing my skin here and there with his hand… I had to ask him to pull back a bit, since we hadn’t labeled our relationship as anything more than casually “seeing each other.” (I mean he had his hand on my upper thigh, at one point.)

He did respect my boundaries afterwards and wouldn’t try to push things beyond what I was comfortable with, though, after I spoke up. All-out sex did not come up, but we did make out a while. (Actually, we went so far as mutual masturbation, tbh.)

We went out a second time at a restaurant. (Funny thing about that: he got there an hour late because he had to stay later for work. Then, when he *did* arrive he sat in his car for over five minutes just flipping through his phone! I only know this because I was waiting in my car and saw him and the light, but he didn’t see me. I got out and approached him in his car to see if he was even still eating out, lol. He looked rather surprised.) He was less hands-on this time around, though, after I told him I wasn’t yet comfortable with such bold displays of PDA. He stared at me a little less, too, but he also started to open up more about himself. Actually, he did most of the talking that night. After making out again in his car, we ended with us DEEP (French) kissing in the parking lot and he didn’t want to let me go right away; we’d linger for like an extra 15 minutes (same as our first meeting). Said we would see each other again soon.

Ever since this night, though, he’s been avoiding meeting up again. He still talks to me every few days but it seems like he always has an excuse for not wanting to meet–too busy with school or work, something came up with family…

I finally had a talk with him (online) and asked if I scared him or something. He said, “Sometimes you do.” He explained that I “question things” and “worry about the wrong things” concerning him–mainly when we’d get to meet again, I think. (I told him I’d at least like to meet once a week–which he said he was fine with but it hasn’t happened in over 2 weeks now, which bothers me.) He finished by saying, “I just think you will have to wait for me to want to hang out again,” and has asked me to be more patient with him, as relationships with him can be both “exciting and frustrating,” as he put it.

I said okay, I’ll try to be more patient, but if you really want to see me again you’ll have to speak up and make it happen. I won’t ask anymore. (I’ve been more the initiator so far, which I kinda hate myself for, at this point, even though I’ve read this is common when Pisces men are involved.)

To further complicate things, we kept talking and he opened up about how stressed he’s been lately with work (he makes excellent money as a bartender but hates it) and the PhD program he’s on scholarship for but isn’t so sure of anymore, of how he plans on traveling Europe this summer for 2-6 months to “clear his head”… And then I open up about things that have been bothering me…

…and suddenly he’s suggesting I come traveling WITH him and asking me about sex AGAIN–in PARIS!

“When are you going to have sex with me?” he asked. And I said, “When are you going to bunker down and actually see me again?” His reply? “You want to have sex with me?”

Like we haven’t already been over this before!

YES, I said, I want to have sex with you because I’m really attracted to you, but only under the right conditions–i.e. both of us are comfortable and committed to each other. But then he comes back and says he has a fear of emotional commitment and that for him sex and commitment are intertwined–that is, he feels he should only have sex with someone he’s committed to. He also finds my honesty about wanting to have sex with him confusing, since sex and commitment go together in his mind. I asked if that’s all he wanted was sex without the commitment, and he said no; he actually wants BOTH, but it has to be with the right person.

Well, I put to him, why do you keep asking me when I’m going to have sex with you if you’re not ready or sure I’m the right person? Then he disappeared!

This was only a day ago, and I haven’t talked to him since, but he usually starts talking again after 2-3 days of giving him space. I’m just totally confused by this Pisces guy! Obviously he’s attracted to me and likes me enough to share details about his life and be somewhat physically intimate with me, but I feel like he also has some very strong reservations about me that are holding him back from having a third meeting.

I don’t know what to do–keep being “patient” and being there to talk to, at least? I do like him a lot, feel comfortable with him in person (despite him coming on so strong at first) and even think we have a strong connection and tons in common (both introverts, musicians, free-thinkers), but he has REALLY been trying my patience lately, saying we’ll meet again but then failing to follow through. Then he brings the sex issue up a second time and counterpoints by bringing up his “emotional commitment” problem.

WHAT is really going on with this Pisces man, Alan??? Is it truly just a deep-seated fear of commitment (to anything) or his emotions, or could he just be toying with me? He says he would like to see me again but just isn’t ready, for some reason. Even in his personal life he seems so confused right now. (He left being a teacher to study clinical psychology and now isn’t even sure about finishing that.) I really do want to be supportive, but I’m just not sure what’s going on with him…

~Confused Leo

Confused Leo,

Based on what you wrote, to me it sounds like his primary goal is to have sex with you. At the same time, all this talk about him needing space and such to me is an example of when a person is using that passiveness to manipulate the situation as opposed to a person being passive because of shyness.

For example, it’s clear to me that he obviously knows that you are physically attracted to him and are willing to be close to him. However, with that in mind you obviously need a little bit of persuasion and that’s where all this talk about things like being a virgin comes in. Essentially, it aids him in winning your trust to essentially in this case get in bed with you. Because generally speaking if the guy is similar to you in that way then you assume he must be genuine like yourself too right?

Think about it. If he has the the same ideology as you where you only want to have sex when you are married shouldn’t he have the same way of thinking as you too where unless you two are married it’s a no-no? Why would he be so rushed into getting you in bed if he believes the same? To me, the most logical answer is he just wants to have sex with you. I’m not saying he is like an evil person or anything. However, his mind and his priorities is clearly not the same as yours. Think about it too. Immediately you said he mentioned he wanted to make out with you even though your interaction was purely based on an online profile. Does that not tell you where his mind is at when it comes to you?

Like for myself, there is no way I would ever say that. If you are looking for “marriage” or “relationship” material even for myself I would be so super skeptical about blurting any kind of emotion like that until I know you more.

Maybe a big part of the confusion is the notion of having someone you are extremely attracted to come on to you. While I can understand the thrill of it and the feeling of being wanted for example, try not to let that cloud your judgement based on all the facts you see about the person and the blatant signs they are giving you.