Am I dealing with a sociopath? or someone who cant deal with her own emotions

Jalen Asks:

About five months back I met this Pisces girl whose caught my interest and she is aware of that. Within these five months I have managed to see her 6 times (I know) this last one being the most bizarre. Basically we see each other once a month, which i don’t have a problem with because when we do see each other it is always a lovely time. (at least to me) Over the course of these past 5 months however, she has sent my mind spiraling. To the point where i couldn’t tell if I actually like her as a person or just like the mystery surrounding her. She is a very selfish person, she hits me up when she wants to, otherwise if i tried to text her it could be three days to a week till I get a response. That definitely is bothersome but I as well am not the greatest texter and have done this to others so i try not to let it get to me.

Her response times got a little worse around the three month mark. the point where it actually did take a week to get a response. At this time, no real progress has actually been made because we see each other only once a month. No hugs, no kisses, or anything yet so I was assuming I missed the window of opportunity and she found someone who didn’t miss it. But she continued to hit me up just sporadically. There is no real pattern with her response times other than the fact that she makes it so we see eachother once a month. As if i was penciled into her schedule. We flirt, I can make her face turn red like a tomato and it all seems so genuine but at the end of the day, there has been no progress. Nobody and I mean nobody has been able to decipher this girl.

Ive gone to most of my friends, Male and Female, to ask for their opinions on her behavior and they all say the same thing. “I can’t read this girl” and neither can I but I know that I genuinely do enjoy my time hanging out with her. If we fast forward to the events of hangout number 5, this is where my mind began to feel like it was breaking. Two texts a week if that so i saw no point in continuing the “relationship” because it just seemed like wasted energy and thought process.

The week of hangout number 5, she hit me up that Tuesday asking if Friday at the harbor sounded like a plan. I replied but got no response back(the usual) but she texted me the following day saying “okay cool how does 3 sound?” in which I replied again and said “yeah that works, where did you wanna meet up”. she responds within minutes and says “I thought you said you wanted to hit the Harbor? did you still wanna do that? This was red flag to me because I am not the one who said lets go to the harbor.

I responded and said “Yeah im down for that, I was referring to a landmark in the area” and as you can guess..I got no response back and we are supposedly hanging out that coming Friday. I got annoyed with her ability to remain consistently inconsistent so i texted her thursday saying “Don’t think tomorrow is going to be able to work out, take care”. Again it felt like wasted energy so i wanted it to be done because i obviously wasn’t getting anywhere. She responds within minutes with “sure, you okay?” i said “im straight.” and she attempted to call me right then and there but i didn’t pick up so she sent me one text saying “im callin bullshit”. i texted her back and explained that our conversations might as well be sent using carrier pigeons. “Im not interested in playing games. What is the point of wasting thought process on a conversation that isnt going anywhere” and her response was again and odd one at that:
“Alright, I dont do drama. You are an absolute favorite of mine, and i’m here if you want to vent or talk. My week has been an absolute mess. I’ve been dealing with fallout from my sexual assault that’s been becoming harder to manage. I get called out on playing games by almost everyone I’ve met–Its why I stress how preoccupied i normally am because its so frequently misinterpreted. long response times stem exclusively from that.” That was her response.

weird factor 1: this is the first time i’m hearing about a sexual assault.
weird factor 2: you are a favorite of mine.

her word choice is odd but she gets her point across. (i guess) Because it was literally my first time hearing about this sexual assault thing. It just seemed really convenient but i did not deny nor acknowledge her statement instead i spoke on exactly what she had told me ” if you have got a story/issue ive got ears. I am always down to listen but that is only if you actually wanted me to/let me” she responded and managed to “convince” me to hangout the following day. she said she was still going to be there and that she wanted to see me. she would drag me if she had to she said. It was cute and i let myself fall for it. So the day of the hangout arrives and i get my very first hug and a compassionate one at that. the kind where the guy goes in low and the girl goes in high and wraps around your neck kinda hug.

As the date or whatever its called continues, she brings up that we should talk about what was said which lets me know it was bothering her because i came with the resolution not to speak on it. The day continues and i think its going well. though she is still an oddly vague person, our time spent together was enjoyable. we shared ice cream. Mine in a cup while hers on a cone. and we hung out till the last minute possible till she had to work. Mind you we got ice cream from the place she works. So our hangout was still convenient for her (selfishness?). The day ends and i get a hug goodbye right outside of her job, the same kind as before and that was a wrap. had good conversations and a good time so i thought. I get home and a few hours later at almost one am she sends me another weird text. “two things: we need to step our adventure game up. Ive got a lot of ideas and its going to be next level. You need to keep your feelings regarding me on lock. We are talking first thing being contingent on this second thing”

The message was meant to confuse me I believe. Initially took it as her saying we are only talking at this moment being subject to chance on anything more than that. But as usual i got no response when i asked for clarification. As i thought about it, her message really could only mean one thing. as in I need to keep hush about my feelings or else we aren’t going to hang out. Yet she chose to say it the way she did. I replied simply saying i get you now. i didnt attempt to hit her up after that.

A week and exactly one day goes by from our last hangout and she calls me. Its now saturday. And she says i just got a new apartment so when i get my furniture in order i thought maybe you can come over and I can bake scones. my current profession is a baker. but it was just such an odd twist. I was assuming that she simply wanted sex. but she told me it would be a little house warming party so i assumed others would be there and i agreed.

The day finally comes and I head over to her place. but there is no house warming party. just me and her. and the day went well as usual. flirted, wrestled, listened to music, ate dinner and baked. and got into more serious conversations as well. one of which was her struggles with guys who only become her friend to try and have sex. I asked if she was sure she doesn’t make these guys feels like she wants sex. i got a vague response on how she has to mind every step she takes as to not get hit on by guys. like being aware of her sexuality.

It was all just odd. She the flat out asks me whats my big dark secret ( as if i would just tell her) so i just told a little story of my past and how ive struggled with girls since she wanted to speak on guys. we first saw each other at 5 pm and at this point its nearly 1 am so we are talking on the rooftop and specifically about her and my purpose for being over here. ( i couldnt tell myself) She was telling me she is not that complex of person and that she really is not trying to fuck with my head but she is ridiculously intelligent so i kinda refuse to believe that she is oblivious to what shes doing. after asking her, her response goes exactly as followed “80% of the time, im not flirting with you..almost 90% but its actually really late and im cold so I wanna ask you if we sat in my bed would you be able to take it in a non sexual way?” mind you, I am not a guy who craves sex all much.

I prefer to save myself and she hadn’t actually done anything to sexually arouse so i agreed (I as well didn’t think she deserved to be pleased so I didn’t want to) we get in her bed and continue the conversation till its done and its now almost 3am. I told her its late so im gonna drive back home and she said its worse if you drive while you’re sleepy. I don’t want you sleeping on the tiny couch and I don’t want to sleep on the couch either so you can sleep in the bed so long as you know they are boundaries. i didnt ask what the boundaries were. i simply said i get you turned my back to her and went to sleep( not my best move ). I did exactly as she said to show that i respect her boundaries but i woke up to her hand resting on top of me. sure it coulda just been from her rolling over but why is it that i feel it was intentional? Why call attention to the boundaries but still allow me to sleep in the bed. Is it reverse psychology? or is she just that twisted and wants to know what she can make me do?

allow me to shed a bit more light. This girl follows the Buddha, is a vegetarian and a feminist. and every single one of our dates including our first one lasted well over 5 hours. this last one being the longest. I left as soon as i woke up. At this point my mind is telling me she is seriously dangerous but something else is telling me she is just really emotionally disturbed from her last relationship. I thought i gained more insight on where i stood with her but i’m still lost and I am definitely not playing for the other team and she knows this but her actions don’t make any sense to me.

Her talk about the sexual assault and dudes only wanting to have sex were just all so oddly placed to me. over the phone before she has told me that she thinks im cute and is attracted me but what is she doing? I dont shower her with money and if i text her and dont get a text back i dont continue to try and get her to respond so i don’t think it could be attention shes getting. But what is it? I dont think it is possible for men and woman to have a platonic relationship so what is this. Thanks for any and all opinions on the matter. At this point i have her blocked because it is too much frustration although i enjoy her unusual presence. She has a special talent for reading situations fairly well so others moods come quite easy to her. she can read my actions like a book almost but not 100% accurate. I feel like i have seen a pattern with her.

Jalen,

Just generally speaking keep in mind that I can’t officially dub someone as a “sociopath” as I believe you would need to be like a doctor to do that. What I can do is break down the person’s potential process based on what you wrote. To be on the same page too, the definition for a sociopath is “a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience.” That would generally mean a person who say lies, cheats and steals without remorse while using emotional manipulation as a weapon I guess you can say.

I think the key factor to think about first is taking away all of the “relationship” or potential “romance” stuff out of this. What is it that you are offering her tangibly and socially? Example, something tangible could be money and something social could be to help her image. If you are worried that everything is too coincidental with like the encounters these types of details usually opens up a huge light.

Now based on what you wrote it would in “essence” make sense to me like this. This person has a history of some sort where she feels she has it under control. Some examples could be like a person was in a relationship with another where they were actually the abuser. However, the “victim” is like say in another city far away so there is no way people locally to them would ever find out. Or, another example could be the person was like a horrible worker at a job where they were fired. Instead of being honest they told everyone they quit and how they were supposedly mistreated there. Like there, they assume they have it under control where no one would ever bother to research that as the story is generally “believable” in a common way.

So what would make it hard for most regular people to decipher a person like this is that they are using emotionally relatable stories and narratives to guide people in the direction they want. It can be scary as it’s almost like by being the “abuser” in a sense and by constantly abusing others they are essentially training themselves to know what buttons to press to get a response out of people based on the reactions they observe. Of course, in my view the tried and true way to counter all this is with facts.

So going back to your example, to me it sounded like she wasn’t really into you in the beginning. However, it feels like you were kind of “profiled” in a way as she did her “research” on you. When you in a sense began to contact her and disapproved her actions it almost feels like she took it as a threat to her image. Example, now when people ask you what happened you can say she was inconsistent and all. For whatever reason this is bad for her “image” and so almost in like a textbook way now she threw out the being abused story.

It turned this into a “game” now to change your mind about her. That would make sense with things like you keeping your feelings hush or “on lock” and all. Because this is about changing your mind for her to kind of get control of the situation as opposed to a person say struggling in being open to profess her love to you sort of deal. Like your ice cream shop example I don’t think it was out of selfishness in like a “it’s more convenient for me personally” way. With what you wrote I would be inclined to say that was to get others to notice it that you are with her based on the circumstance.

Your comment about saving yourself for marriage is interesting for this I feel in the sense of does she actually know this about you? Because the more typical example, which I wouldn’t doubt that she is more accustomed to, is being around guys that could more easily be subdued with things like physical intimacy. So if she is on the more less than honest side this actually gives you an advantage to just focus on the facts.

Again, it’s about the facts. Example, if she was truly abused granted some people don’t want to talk about it. But sometimes there are valid reasons to do so. Example, you two live in the same community by the sounds of it. Why not ask her little things such as who the person was as you are curious in wondering if you know them? Like there from my experience deceitful people would often try to deflect and hide that as much as possible. If she is truly a “sociopath” which you are concerned about then you should document everything as this form of emotional manipulation is going to turn into a your word against their word. Example, you staying the night with her can then turn into a story on how you were the one who were all over her despite her constantly having conversations with you about like a boundary.

On the flip side let’s assume she is just distraught over past relationships. In my opinion, when a person is hurt from the past then they need to talk about it in a sense to recover. Same thing there that requires one to open up and reveal the facts about the experiences. If they refuse to give you the facts then there honestly isn’t much you can do. Some people are persistent but many times it can be better to spend your energy elsewhere. Either way, whether she is a sociopath or not your initial journey requires the same path of details I feel. With those facts you can truly determine what the real story is.