Dumped two weeks ago today

Amanda Asks:

Hey Alan,

Reading your blog, made me think I probably have no hope of getting him back, but wonder what your take is on this. So we met about 3 months ago, something bigger than me took over and him and I just merged. I know when relationships aren’t working, I have even been the one to hold on too long, but I always knew they weren’t mean to be. This one however, in every way worked, just worked. Met his family, he couldn’t wait for me to meet his Nanna (he is 44, she is very elderly).

He spoke about marriage next year and said everyone was so proud of him that he had finally met the woman he had been looking for. I trusted him completely and I am a sceptic, this guy was so lovely, got up early to drop me off and pick me up from work even when we weren’t seeing each other that night when my car was off the road getting serviced, bought me thoughtful little things, but frequently made comment that I was too good looking for him, how he didn’t earn anywhere near as much as me, how he wasn’t as intelligent as me………..I told him he was the man I had been looking for, he was my dream come true and to shut up (in a jokey way). Once or twice he got irritated, once when I got his eggs wrong, once when I made a joke about something and he really took it to heart and told me people had laughed at him his whole life.

All blew over quickly, I just put it down to sensitive, always re-assured him, wasn’t a big deal, only once or twice in the time and it was lovely, we loved the same things, equally as thoughtful and romantic and affectionate as each other. So, we came back from a lovely weekend two weeks ago and he won some money which meant he could pay his car off, he was over the moon. I had felt sick for a while since I had a flu and was concerned it might be something more serious, so organised for a friend to meet me form work to go with me for tests.

I told him not to pick me up after work as I had something on and then avoided the question of what as I didn’t want to bring him down, he was so so super happy after having a great weekend away with his awesome lady and winning the money to pay off his car. So the Tuesday morning he asked where I went again, I avoided and eventually I said I felt like he was being controlling, that as he was being that way I wasn’t going to answer him and sometimes I would be somewhere he wouldn’t know about. I was a bit petty, he got just as petty, I changed my profile photo on Facebook to a photo of just me (it was me and him) which was petty.

I know, I wish I hadn’t done it and so he removed me as his partner and removed me as a friend on Facebook. He now says our values are different, quit at he first bump, says I should just move on as he sees no future with me. It seems such a waste, I have written him a few emails the past two weeks but have now decided to stop as I am chasing him too much, I told him I would do anything to make this work as even a blind man could see what we have is worth working for, we are so comfortable together, so cuddly and affectionate and we laugh all the time, go great places, organise great dates with each other, weekends away, very much ourselves, all his quirky bits I adore.

It is like we both made a mountain out of a molehill and I wonder, because what you say sounds like what he has said to me, that he really sees no future with me now and that he will not return to my life (it just seems like such a waste, we have both looked for so long for this and then found this thing I didn’t even know I would ever find…………we are both in our forties, just seems a waste).

Thanks Capricorn lady missing her Pisces guy

Amanda,

Sounds like things happened pretty quickly in all avenues. From what you wrote he seems to have some self-esteem issues that he hasn’t figured out how to overcome yet. But one thing that stood out for me is how you specifically said that he told you that people laughed at him his whole life. This is kind of tricky as in many ways I feel this is a situation where your apologies and reassurance won’t actually do much in terms of completely rectifying it as it lingered on. Maybe it’s a way too ideal thinking, but if he is someone like me than the assumption is if my heart is completely opened to you then I trust that you wouldn’t even try to do things that would reflect the negative parts of my life experiences.

Actually, here is a real example. When I was in like elementary I did get bullied by people that were bigger than me. Pretty common scenario right? They would tease me, call me a dork, etc. Afterwards I would develop a mentality where those words and actions don’t mean much to me coming from people like that. Then there was actually one day where I showed a girl who I was pretty close with this funny picture. It was actually pretty “geeky” which was the point of the joke. She laughed of course and then followed up by calling me a “dork.” I’ll tell ya, I didn’t even expect it to happen but it felt like someone just stabbed me in the heart as they say. Really, if you think about it should mean nothing. She was joking and I knew she was joking. But that is kind of a good example I think on the profound difference of having a “guard” up versus not having one at all. So you do have to be super careful at what you say as even for me in that case it made me “doubt” the connection we had.

To me that kind of aligns and makes sense as to why he decided to end it after that Facebook incident you mentioned where you feel this was just the first bump on the road when really it wasn’t. Like there it wasn’t just one thing but the other things as well that never got resolved. That would include the being sick incident I feel where you didn’t give him that chance to take care of you. But I would agree with the notion that if you two were meant to be in a sense then not even stuff like that should tear you apart. The thing I am not sure about is his own life experience when it comes to people/relationships which plays a huge factor in terms of his willingness to try and make something work as you say.

Trying to think hard if this was me and assuming you aren’t in the “you are gone” phase I feel this is one of those put everything out there and then leave it. That would kind of mean you have to understand exactly what it is in every way that caused him hurt from your words or actions and throwing it out there, in a authentically genuine way, that you are who he thought you were before these incidents.

I am just making this scenario up to hopefully show the point. But let’s pretend he liked to read books and then you joked that reading books are for losers. You saying sorry or reassuring that you love people who reads books isn’t good enough I say. He is going to have to in a sense see you on your own accord enjoying to read too. So in the sense of “throwing it all out there” it would be something like you mentioning that you know you have something special together and would love to continue the relationship you were building as you are confident it is a misunderstanding. You will be at the library hoping he will come to see you.

That might be kind of a corny example, but again it comes down to you truly understanding what it is that got him to doubt the relationship while genuinely understanding what he values. Like the bad way to do it there I think would be to say that you want to make it work and to give it another chance. That doesn’t say anything in terms of your values and all as a person. I know you mentioned it has only been like three months, but if the connection was super special and all then I am hoping you understand exactly what it is that he values in life to know how to naturally adapt with it. Of course it is up to you.