How do I get him to forgive me? I made a HUGE mistake

Amber Asks:

Hi Alan,

So I’ve known this pisces guy since I was about 11 years old. We’ve been really good friends. We’ve never fought ever in our friendship. We’ve known each other for about almost a decade now. The only problem is he’s all the way across the other side of the world. He’s in China and I’m in the U.S.

When he was in school, we only talked twice a month bc he went to boarding school but during summer we’d both practically not sleep bc we talked with each other all day, every day. I would always ask him when he’d come home so I could talk to him & sure enough, I was always there. Like screw my plans for that day this was my best friend that we’re talking about here. I would do anything for him. We respected each other, we were both very conscious of the other person as to try and not hurt them on purpose, & communication between us was fantastic. We’d hide absolutely nothing from the other. We’d tell everything we know to the other person. It was a really great friendship. The point is, I made a HUGE mistake.

But there was a time that I don’t know what overtook me but I was just done with him for some reason. He did absolutely nothing wrong. He was not at fault at all. It was really all on me. I suffer from PTSD, anxiety, depression, & paranoia. He knew that & I’d have a panic attack/mental breakdown & he’d be there for me. Anyways, I emailed him & told him how I didn’t want to know him anymore & that I didn’t want to see his face or talk to him ever again. And shortly after I sent that email I deleted my email & deleted all the accounts that I had that I had him on like skype. I don’t remember his email bc in China they have a platform called qq it’s kind of like yahoo. But with qq, all the email addresses are a series of numbers and there was no way I could be able to remember a set of numbers. I mean I probably should have bc I really miss him now. He’s really all I think about day & night. I plan to go to China & meet him face to face instead. How should I approach the situation? Again, I really do miss him. I really don’t know what overtook me to write that email to him. He was literally my everything. I mean it’s been almost a year now since I wrote that email back in 2017.

I mean I know him. After he read that email he drank a lot. He’s a very heavy drinker. He always drinks to forget about his problems and he doesn’t like to burden anyone with his problems so knowing him if he was on a TV show that say “spill your guts or drink” he’d drink the entire game. He’s really sensitive and I just don’t know what prompted me to do that. I mean if I was in my right mind (which I can assure you I wasn’t), I truly wouldn’t hurt him like this by making him drink. I wouldn’t hurt him at all. In fact, when we were friends, I would always try to help him find his way through reality because he really was lost.

He’s a pisces guy with a cap moon
and I am a scorpio-sagittarius cusp with a cap moon.

I wish I could get him back. No. I NEED to get him back. He is my everything. I can’t lose him. Not after the first time I hurt him. Not anymore. Help me. What do I do?

Amber,

I was trying to imagine where if I was in that scenario how would I react? It would come down to how many times in life has he encountered a situation like this I would say. I wasn’t clear if you two actually ever met in-person even once or if this was purely an online communication meeting which would change the dynamics too in regards to the motional investment in this.

To me the best way to get him to forgive you is to actually understand why you say just blew up all of a sudden. If you can’t really answer that then more than likely the person will feel you will do it again. It’s like saying if your friend was next to you where out of nowhere he/she literally just punched you in the face one day I don’t think them saying “Sorry, I don’t know why I did it” is enough. Regardless if they say they suffer from a lot of stress in life. So I think that would be the biggest challenge first which is clearly understanding it yourself first. Fundamentally speaking you wouldn’t want to do it to him again right? You need to fully understand it yourself I think to do so first.

For example, just an educated guess maybe you two have become a bit too codependent on each other to the point where if you feel you aren’t getting exactly what you want then you blow up on them. That’s always a dangerous situation I think and it starts with yourself.