How to Get to Know Him Better

Lucy Asks

Hi Alan,

Firstly I would like to thank you for creating this website! It has been most helpful, especially as I try to understand this Pisces guy I am currently seeing. To be honest, I see similarities in the ways you two think. A lot of the things you have shared are ones he himself has said/done, and perhaps would even do given the situation. One example would be how he prefers to have (or at least pretend to have) a business/ professional reason to come see me, even though the meeting in itself is personal.

This brings to mind your advice on inviting people with your personality type to an activity-based arrangement (as opposed to directly calling it a date)! We have been seeing each other once a week for almost a couple of months now. I appreciate the pace that we are in, but I do wish we could begin building some emotional depth?

Whenever we meet, I am my best and happy self, and we always have fun. I see that this is good, though sometimes I do wonder whether he might be only liking the happy me? And this brings us back to the question on emotional depth. How do I begin to build it (or is it too early)? My sun sign is Cancer, so I do value emotions deeply. And in that process, how do I get to know him better?

My situation is a bit weird in that I can’t travel to places. We both have to plan something, and he has to come get me. We do talk a bit online, but right now I noticed he has not been sharing much, and so I inevitably mirror him, as I don’t want to bother him. He is very attentive in person though. And I wish I could show him that I want to learn about him as much as he wants to learn about me.

Thank you, Alan!

Lucy,

It’s kind of interesting that you brought up the point on how you are afraid that he only sees the happy and fun side of you and whether or not he would accept you during the less ideal times. In many ways that’s why a person like me take so long to “evaluate” people. I want to see people in as many scenarios as possible ranging from the best to worst.

If I was this guy as an example with the scenario you have mentioned I may actually be evaluating you emotionally deeper than you may think. It goes to the point of wanting to see things happen organically. Example, in your conversations are there ever times he asks for your opinion? Did he ever voluntarily tell you about a future goal or passion that he has? These are technically some ways to gauge you emotionally whereas many other people use them as simply conversation starters of sort.

To me personally if he is seeing you once a week that is a big deal. If you are telling me he is say initiating it too then there shouldn’t be anything to worry about. I guess we have to define here too on what your definition of “emotional depth” is. My assumption is you mean talking about more serious topics such as one’s fear, how they view love, listening to your life and understanding your values, etc.

If we are going on the notion that he is like me then I am inclined to say he is having these conversations with you all the time. You may be saying like “What? How?” It’s all in the actions. I don’t know your exact situation but as a hypothetical example let’s assume he is the one initiating all the “dates” at the moment. If you keep letting him do this without you taking initiative once and while too then that can translate to a person like me to feel that value wise you don’t think about him in terms of the effort he puts in if that makes sense.

Since you mentioned the listening aspect I think that is a great example too. Like for myself I listen a lot. So imagine me as him at the moment and literally the entire conversation was nothing but me listening to you attentively. You seem happy, I seem happy and we end the day. This happens weekly as with your example and we both seem genuinely happy.

Now all of a sudden as you say we talk a bit online and I don’t seem to be sharing much and so you don’t want to bother me. With this example it’s easy to understand why in my view. Essentially with all the meetings we had the relationship has been defined as me listening to you as an example. A person that thinks like me won’t stop this and say “Hey, want to go in a different direction?” Because in many ways like with my personal mindset if you really wanted to say change the topic to learn about me you would. It’s not like this is a situation where he say explicitly restricted your access to him. That would be different.

Because again, it would seem the relationship has been defined so far as he is say trying to make you happy where to genuinely reach that goal better he needs to be attentive with you when present. Unless I missed a point here there wasn’t any tangible action on your part to say “Let’s learn about you” if that makes sense. To me anyways I feel that is a huge mistake if you aren’t sharing much because you feel he isn’t sharing. Because if what I wrote is accurate by doing that you a reinforcing the belief that this relationship is defined by say him being attentive to you and so he has no expectation or desire to share his deep inner self with you.

I think a good analogy for this is pretend you are like the bird or whatever at the park and I am the guy that comes by once a week. Every week I come by I have some food/seeds on me which I throw out. You are excited to get that food and I am just as happy giving it to you. Every day I do that we both walk away happy and each week you recognize me as that guy that has food for you.

Similarly here the relationship has been defined as the guy giving you food and you as the bird receiving it. Afterwards I simply walk away with no expectation from the bird to do anything for me. Now you say that you as the bird wishes to show me that you care about me or want to learn about me. Do you think I would stop and say “Hey bird, come learn about me” per se? I think not as again the relationship has been defined in my mind for the most part.

What can potentially happen is you as the bird will now jump and fly to my shoulder. How do you think I would react now to that bird? Of course to me in my mind that signals that this bird cares/appreciates me. If it’s persistent like it wants to go home with me then to me that potentially shows even more of genuine desire that this bird cares. Although maybe it just thinks it can get more food….. 🙂 But hopefully you get the point.

So relating that back to your question, if you wish to learn more about him then in many ways you have to just do it. Example, is he a busy guy? If you want to do it the “passive way” since you mentioned he is initiating these meetings with business/professional related items then the next time he does that find out something that you know he was say interested in learning or accomplishing there and kind of bring it up as if you were like the missing partner in his life where you wanted to genuinely help him grow.

That doesn’t necessarily mean like literally doing a job for him. But it could even be something as simple as you see he is stressed and you then personally share him something funny that he can relate to. This builds the emotional bond as in a person’s mind like mine the fact that you took the time to think about me brings me closer to you emotionally where eventually I can just freely have those deep emotional conversations with you.