How to approach this hurt pisces man?
Four months ago I met this pisces man online dating. We played video games all night and I don’t remember much of what we said, but that was when I felt most like myself. We seemed to really like each other. A few days later we met for the first time and had a lot of fun.
First let me explain his story. He married his high school sweetheart and was deeply in love with her. I asked him why marry so young and he said it was just love, not religion or money or anything else. A year later she was pregnant and he was very supportive of the pregnancy. Until he found out the baby wasn’t his. He wasn’t ready for a baby and couldn’t handle raising another man’s child on top of that, so they divorced. He still mentions his ex all the time (always with anger) and seems to be in pain over it. I don’t really know much about who he has “dated” since then or what he really wants right now. It’s been about a year since the divorce.
In the beginning (four months ago): we both gave off the vibe that we wanted to “keep it casual” but we never openly discussed what that meant. For ex: he mentioned that a girl had bought him something a few weeks after they started hooking up and he asked her “what do you think this is?” At first “casual” was actually what I was looking for as well. So I was cool with it.
I am a very open and honest person. I started to feel like I couldn’t be myself around him. I didn’t know if I could tell him about other guys I was dating or talk about what I was thinking about relationships, as I didn’t want to be misunderstood. For ex: If I was going to go out with another a guy, I would tell him I was hanging out with friends. Not because I was hiding the fact that I date other people but because I don’t want him to think I was purposely telling him about other men to make him jealous. That is the sort of thing I do before feeling comfortable enough to be myself. It felt like he was holding back, so I held back, so he held back.
At first he persued me more than I did him. He texted me a little bit more and asked more questions when we were together. He used to say things like “you are hard to understand”. He texted me cute things like “if you did that I would never leave”. We do have a lot in common. We both love video games (the same kind) and play constantly. We both love animals. I am very successful and indepedent for my age. I own a house. He was impressed by this.
Over the next two months I saw him about once a week. With him seeming more distant and uninterested every time. He has always tried to drop hints that he doesn’t want anything serious without actually saying it. Like he has to have an exit strategy if he comes to my place and we have sex. He always: has work after, needs to go help a friend with something, etc. Instead of just saying he doesn’t want to spend the night or a lot of time with me. I think he does that to keep from hurting my feelings. Or to avoid confrontation. But he does it in an obvious manner, to send a message, but trying very hard not to be mean about it.
It seems like certain actions in his mind are promise of commitment. So he will never do them, so as to not feel like he is doing me wrongo or leading me on. He rejected any invites I made go out and will definitely not invite me anywhere. He limits seeing me to one time a week. He will not spend the night or let me spend the night at his place. Obvious and indirect messages that “this is nothing serious”.
He really avoids cofrontation. He will start ignoring me if he wants me to leave instead of just asking me to leave. The other night (after we had sex) I actually asked him if he wanted me to leave. He hesitated for a long moment. I think he was afraid of hurting my feelings or maybe he even wanted me to stay, but he wanted to follow his unspoken rule, so he finally said yes. It actually did hurt that time (as we had a good time together) but I played it really cool and left.
This is because he has an impression that I am very sensitive and my feelings are easily hurt. I asked him if he thought I was crazy once and he told me no, he just thought I was butthurt. I sent him some long stupid text messages the second month in. It gave him the wrong idea (that I am insecure, clingy, sensitive). I also made him angry by accusing him of being a player. He has never promised me anything and always tried hard to make that clear.
After I realized that I appologized. A few days later he accepted the apology (he had basically cut ties before that) but he still avoided me for weeks. He acted nervous at first, scared I would get mad at him or something. I have been trying really hard to prove that I am not angry with him in anyway. I really do feel like hasn’t done me wrong. We have really only had this issues with texting, I wish I had been brave / patient enough to discuss it in person so he could see how unemotional I was about it. It takes a lot to make me emotional.
I am not sure if he started being so distant because I acted clingy and insecure, or if he was planning to move in that direction the entire time because he is afraid of commitment. I really don’t mind if he wants to take things very slow. I just want to be comfortable to be myself around him. I don’t mind being rejected if I am being myself. But if he rejects me when I wasn’t being myself around him, it feels like “we” didn’t even get a chance.
I want him to feel comfortable around me, like I am not going to judge him or take his actions personally. I am a very strong person and I can handle it. I am independent and I like being on my own a lot. I just really like him (a lot) and I feel this crazy chemistry / connection with him I can’t explain. I have “dated” over 30 guys in the past 8 months and this is one of the only one’s who could hold my attention after more than 1-3 meetings.
There are definitely other guys out there for me, but I also know that they are rare and hard to find. I feel like he is special in many ways. I still feel like we don’t know each other well. I don’t know if I want a relationship with him yet, I just want to get to know him better. We are on okay terms right now. The one thing I am scared of: I know he is very active about seeing new girls. I am scared another girl will come along and blow his mind. I actively date to try and keep my self from getting too invested in case he disappears on me completely. It feels like maybe he just talks to me out of boredom sometimes. I don’t think he is just using me for sex or to stroke his ego…. but he also barely seems interested anymore.
He was sick a few days ago and actually asked me to come take care of him, which was unexpected. We had fun and I did try very hard to make him feel better. But I am also scared about coming across as creepy or pushy by trying too hard in such situations. I am looking for advice on what to do and say to make him feel more comfortable around me. Should I invite him over or ask to visit? Or just wait again for him to initiate? Also if your first serious relationship had gone the way his did, how do you think you would have reacted? What do you think you would be doing a year after?
Before I answer your question, I’ll put it out there that I am going to assume that the premise of the story in regards to things like his ex-wife and all is 100% true. With that too I would ask are you 100% certain the things he tells you are all true? I ask because this little detail can completely throw my analysis upside down in terms of my opinions about his intentions and all. Because the way he is coming across to you gives me that “something doesn’t quite add up” feeling here where I would urge you to do some fact checking if you haven’t if we are assuming he is like a person who is simply hurt in life. With that said, let’s tackle this where we assume the story is true.
My impression based on what you wrote is that he is trying to control the situation emotionally using suggestive thoughts. For example, saying things like “you are hard to understand” is like a passive way to get you to unnaturally drop your guard because he wants something fast. In this case, to me it clearly sounds like one of the things he is after is sex. While normally that would be an “oh no” type of thing it sounds like you are okay with that or at least told him so correct? It kind of adds up with him doing things when he wants something and then disappearing.
For reference, a person like me who is looking “for the one” to “love forever” will take my sweet time to observe you in various scenarios/circumstance as an example because to a certain extent I am scared to give my love and devotion to an inauthentic person. To me, his “holding back” feels again like he is controlling you in a technical way. Almost like he got you to take a drug where he knows it will get you addicted yet on a surface level he tells you “This is just like drinking a cup of tea that we will do once a week. Nothing More.” While he doesn’t tell you it was actually like a drug, you are now addicted to it where you want more. With this, he has complete control of the situation in every way. He can get whatever he wants from you whenever he wants as he knows you are addicted and at the same time he can get rid of you whenever he wants without looking like a bad guy and you as the crazy one.
With that said, it makes perfect sense to me on why he is trying to cut you off. I feel it’s not so much because of a “whoa, you are getting too close so I need to back off” but rather it’s more like “I must continue the act to build the illusion as people are going to see right through me. I don’t want this to end.”
Just as an example to push the point even more, there was a story about a guy who loved a girl and was spending tens of thousands of dollars on her as she always seemed to have finance problems. He felt they had true love and all so it’s one of those things that you simply do for the other. Then one day he became suspicious that he was simply being used for his money. She then freaks out and then gives him back this $1000 cheque that he wrote for her that one week as a way to show “I am not a gold-digger” type of thing and made him feel bad for implying it. However, in reality she knew the type of person he was where there was a high chance he would give it back and that this action would manipulate people. Sure enough, he did give it back and continued to get drained. I think you know the sad ending to this afterwards.
With all this in mind, I then think of the point you made where you asked him “Do you want me to leave” where it took him awhile and he said yes. To me, it would make sense based on the consistency of actions so far where he was debating and analyzing your personality on the odds of you still coming back to him even if he said “yes, go” where it will help to further maintain that illusion. Based on what he knows about you and the way it has been controlled, there is like a 70% chance you will come back anyways and a 30% chance you will leave. If you do leave, then oh well it was a gamble as this was all about getting say sex anyways. In that sense, I personally agree with your notion and feelings when it comes to things like it seems like he talks to you out of boredom because odds are you are like some kind of fix to him it seems based on actions.
Now maybe what I said is non-relevant to you as you mentioned yourself you won’t take his actions personally as you want to just get to know him. If what I said is true about him, then to get closer to him you simply need to consistently offer him more where he feels there is no strings attached or the obligation that he needs to pay you back per se. Example, if you are one to always receive these free DLC and demo codes before the public where you always have free ones to give away, you being like that type of “special person” in his life will make him want to be around you more. Really, that is all you need to do where you keep giving and not expecting anything in return. To me, he will be extremely comfortable around you after. For me anyways, that kind of goes against almost every morals and value that I have personally. Especially if you are actually trying to find love.
Interestingly enough, if you want to get to know him deeper you can probably do so in indirect ways through his hobbies such as the video games. Especially if it is one of those games that require online interaction. I have often found anyways the way people play, act and react is a good indicator on how they truly are like. Because for many, these types of environment has “no consequences” which means you often see the raw and unfiltered version of a person.
Now you mentioned you are afraid he will see other girls and may essentially get swept away from you. This is really confusing and heartbreaking for me in many ways because I interpret concerns like that as you are looking for love whereas everything else you wrote indicates that you don’t really care and just want to hang out with him to find out more. It has to be one or the other I feel. If it is I love then I would think you have to expect more and be a little selfish as to what you need too. If it’s just hanging out and wanting to get to know him, then as I said above just keep offering him things that no one else can with no strings attached and allow him to approach you. For me anyways it seems like the thing to keep in mind is that he just doesn’t want to look like the “bad guy” in this story while still getting what he wants. So if you fulfill that need and requirement there is no reason he wouldn’t hang around with you naturally.
To answer your question too, if I was to imagine being someone who went through a relationship with his circumstance I would be even more paranoid or closed off when it comes to a relationship. Keep in mind I am envisioning it through the mind of me actually wanting to find love where things like “casual hookups” are not in my vocabulary. I could imagine myself taking a long time off where the only real way someone could get me to open up quickly is if they demonstrate factually some kind of similar life obstacle that would be reminiscent of the pain that I went through.
Because a person like me spends a ton of time observing and analyzing people where in these cases I want to be sure the person is the one. So if I allowed myself to marry a person then I must be so darn confident that my year’s of analysis are correct. However, a betrayal like that would mean I truly don’t know as much as I thought I did and therefore need to re-evaluate my “guard” in life. So I would be trying to rediscover all over again as to the qualities an ideal person should have.
As well, I would probably feel a little “less worthy” of love as it’s like someone robbed me of my innocence where I wouldn’t feel I would be able to offer another person the same level of care and excitement as if they were the only one to ever be able to receive my love in its purest form. Almost like someone opening up a brand new game system that has just been released in the market where a person used it for awhile and then dropped it just to abandon it. While it works perfectly fine and there is someone else who would love to have it, the feeling of it being brand new and all is gone where that means you can just go get another one that has been untouched.
The last point I will throw in there is how you mentioned you can’t explain this crazy chemistry and connection you have with him despite dating over 30 guys. The thing I got out of your writing here is that he is a guy that married young and experienced hardship. You also mentioned that you are successfully independent for your age. To me anyways, that can actually perfectly explain why you feel this crazy connection.
Example, you probably experienced a hardship at a young age that pushed you towards in creating say a successful business or whatever. Therefore, you are more inclined to naturally attach and relate to people who have crazy struggles at a young age. I may be wrong of course, but that might help you better understand your own emotions so that you aren’t pursuing these kinds of relationships because of the “mysteriousness” as a lot of woman say attracts them. This can be a little dangerous too at times where we will see things in people that aren’t really there as we assume they must be like us if the experiences are similar sort of deal.
Similar to the dating to keep yourself from getting too invested in case the person leaves. Like there, thinking deeper I am assuming you had an incident or something at a young age where maybe you gave it your all to someone, not necessarily a relationship as it could be like a job or competition, only to have the other party to essentially leave you in the dust when you needed support. Therefore, a very common scenario is you kind of grow from that to not want to be dependent on others or risking everything in one basket as they say.
I bring this up because I hope you truly do understand emotionally why you do these things in a deeper sense. Because if your goal was to say find love with someone who is loyal to you, speaking for a personality like mine seeing a person date that many people would scare the living daylights out of me. People can’t necessarily see at first glance you are doing it out of like “fear” or getting “hurt” yourself.
But again, aside from the fact checking that I suggest if your goal is to pursue him more then just continue to offer him things that no one else can with no strings attached. Like they say too, you can’t control how others react but you can control how you react. As well, I would kind of encourage you to tell the truth and stop hiding about dating other men. Yes, a person like me would probably take it the wrong way, but if your goal was to create a genuine and loving relationship then the foundation of the relationship is kind of faulty at the start without that honesty.
If you think about it, at face value he is telling you this is like a no strings attached thing too right? So why should he get upset? If he doesn’t want that then he needs to make it clear he is committing to you too I feel. You say you are not afraid of being yourself, so don’t be. That doesn’t mean just dump everything on him at once. But instead, I feel that you should approach this with a more what you want approach too. He needs to reciprocate this care and interest that you give him.
This is probably more than what you were expecting to hear, but I feel it’s something you need to think about which would help your situation too.