pisces man go with the flow
Reader Questions

Is this Pisces a risk

Valena Asks:

Hi Alan,

I met a Pisces through online dating app, we texted for about 2 months until we had the opportunity to meet. Our conversations through text were great, we seems to agree on a lot of topics and were able to carry on for hours.

When we met I could see in his eyes the immediate attraction towards me. We talked and talked and just enjoyed each other’s company. I had never had such a connection with someone in the sense that we could talk about anything and I had never before felt so safe with someone. Physical attraction was also strong, he would constantly look into my eyes, hold my hands and observe every part of me in such a kind loving way. All I could do was the same, I could not get enough of his smile and everything about him. We did not want to separate that day but it got late for me and we each went out way.

The following days he became distant. He blamed jet lag (he had just flown in from a 2 day trip) and then after a couple of days he immediately stopped texting back. I asked what was wrong and he wouldn’t answer.

Then he called back and apologized for his asshole behavior. He then explained that it had been son long since he had felt such a connection that it scared him and he was having depressed thoughts. He said that it was because he liked me so much that he knew that I was the type of woman that he would want something serious with. His fear arose because that he had been very hurt in his last relationship and that he just wanted to avoid any conversation that would bring this up. He then asked if I wanted to grab coffee and I agreed.

When we met he was so happy to see me and was so different from the conversations. We talked and he repeated what he said and told me that it would take him some time because once he’s in a relationship he gives everything. He told me that he wanted to take things slow emotionally and that if I was willing to persevere and be patient then we should continue. For the most part I feel he is being honest judging by how happy and kind he is when we are together. I know for sure that he likes me but I’m scared to fully believe him. Also how he expressed how hurt he was and I could see that in his eyes too. He told me to help him and to just understand that he wasn’t going to hurt me and that I could feel safe with him.

I really like him and I understand that I am an energetic always trying to plan and make things happen so it can be conflicting to be patient. I’d like to know form your point of view if you think this man is being honest and how I can go about being patient. I know there is no way to truly now but if any insight could help.


My general impression with what you wrote is that it feels like he is trying too hard to explain his “bad habit” per se due to the past. It’s also contradicting in a sense if we are going by the notion that he is so connected with you and all where just like that he then exhibits this “asshole behavior” to you.

Unless I am reading this wrong are you saying that he expressed to you that he wants to completely avoid any conversation about his past that hurt him? My personal opinion is to put that in the list of “what’s going on here” type of deal. Because generally speaking while it is true in many ways that people don’t want to talk about the past, if we are going with the notion that the person thinks like me and is super serious and committed to you being “the one” then wanting to tell you it is like a goldmine of sorts. It’s essentially a part of that deep connection that one strives for in the sense of being understood.

That is also confusing with the “help him” part as in many ways if he truly was hurt and all from the past then I would be inclined to say talking about it is the help that is needed in many ways. In my personal opinion to not want to do that with the notion that he is super into you and all translates more to him hiding something. Like saying it’s more about a side of him he doesn’t want to show. It’s fair if he doesn’t trust you enough, but that’s not the case from what I am reading as it is being used more as a justification of sorts for his actions.

With all that said, in my personal opinion thus far I don’t think he is being fully honest to the extent of how he truly feels about you. A common scenario in a situation like this too from my personal observations is that he seems so dreamy and all to you in-person is because the stakes are higher in terms of being able to make that impression that one wants. A very simple comparison is like say someone having a bad personal home life where they seem unhappy but out in public they are so happy and a blast to be with. In many ways hiding the home life is more about hiding that part of his life from you as it may change your perception of him as opposed to the hurt if that makes sense. That would be what I am leaning towards with him at the moment in essence with what you wrote.

So the question now goes to how can you be patient in these scenarios? The general straight forward answer would be don’t be at that height emotionally where everything is like planned out and you just need to see him walk up that path to you. Instead stay at the level he is at with you and only go up if he is actively going up with you. You can still be energetic and plan for things, but keep it at the level it’s at if that makes sense. Kind of like saying if you were planning for adventure then don’t buy all the tickets and such ahead of time where you assume the person is going to go with you. Instead, the planning should be more in the sense of making the effort to express how much you enjoy whatever that adventure is. In my opinion, if the person is really in tune with you and all then they will work with you in the planning to make it happen.

From there it’s up to you where if he still doesn’t in a sense respond in a desirable way then it’s up to you if you want to continue or no.


  • Valena January 27, 2017

    He’s continued to appear aloof. He still communicates but we haven’t seen each other again. At times I feel he’s just a depressed person and others that he’s just not into me.

    After he ignored my messages this was his response:

    I know my behavior is that of an asshole and you have every right to get mad at me. It’s after such a long time I felt connected to someone. I felt like we were going towards something serious quick. Frankly, I had a really bad experience last time I was in a relationship. It ended ugly and I was left hurt. I stopped talking to you because I wanted to stop myself from getting more involved than I should. I know I should’ve been more open about it but I’ve been more and more depressed lately and I don’t feel like anyone would understand this. I don’t expect you to either but I’ve had depressed thought since after you left. I’m not sure how to cope with that and was trying to avoid any conversation around it..

    We both like single malt whisky so he bought some for one night we hung out. We each had one glass and this was on a Saturday, the following weekend we hung out and he had finished that bottle. When he explained all of this in person it did seem true and I did feel that sadness coming from him. We enjoyed hanging out and it was great.. Since then we haven’t seen each other and we talk but it’s mostly short. He pretty much said that he wanted to take things slow and if I was patient then we should. He doesn’t make an effort for anything at all he doesn’t want me to question his behavior and it’s almost like he just wants to be left alone.

    Since it isn’t exclusive I am getting to know other people and going on dates. I’d like to see him once more since our in person interactions are different. I really like him and am so scared to let any feelings grow since he seems so emotionally unavailable. I would hope that if he just didn’t like me or have any interest in pursuing anything that he’d just say it so I can move on. Anytime I’ve asked he just shoots it down and almost gets upset.

  • Alan January 29, 2017

    He could be depressed or say is seeking constant temporary comfort of sorts. To me it still comes down to the hiding part where regardless of what the real reason is you have full control here in many ways I would say. Do you want to invest the energy to try and “fix him” as they say?

    Overall too it just sounds like you aren’t the right person for him in many ways and in the sense of an alcohol analogy it’s like you are the bottle and he just reaches for it at times when he wants to drown away his issues. It makes sense that way too where you give him that satisfaction in the moment. But long-term it doesn’t seem to be what he really needs or wants.

    From the perspective of no one understands him I would break it down more as he doesn’t want to change type of scenario. So it comes down to what do you want to invest in this? In my opinion I would say the same where just don’t go more than he is offering at the moment.

  • Valena January 29, 2017

    More than anything I’m scared of my feelings because I really like him. I truly care about him and if he is sad it will be hard for me to walk away from him. This is something I expressed to him when he told me how depressed he’d been feeling. I told him that before anything we were friends and that if he felt bad that he could tell me. He said he was shy and that it was hard for him to be open about it. I don’t like to push or anything so if it seems like he doesn’t want to talk I back off.

    It’s not about fixing, people have to want to fix themselves. Depression is hard and if he’s going through it then he at least will need a friend at some point.

  • Alan January 30, 2017

    The sentiments are still exactly the same essentially which boils down to you know the basic scenario for the most part. So how much, if any, are you willing to risk for this relationship to see where it goes?

    In my personal view there is a fundamental difference between wanting to change and not wanting to change regardless of what you want to label it as. Example, I could give you a complete different scenario where if it was me and I was say “depressed” I probably wouldn’t ever ask anyone for help per se due to the way I think. That would boil down more to trust.

    If I was “depressed” and I was apprehensive about talking about anything per se despite your genuine and non-pushy efforts to take initiative in it then I essentially don’t want to change because that is the only real way I know how to live in many ways as it is a lifestyle habit of sorts. So as I mentioned before how much are you willing to invest to fix him in that aspect? Yes, people need to fix themselves, but in context to your dilemma it’s about how much do you want to invest/risk in this whole process to potentially help him get there where there is a possibility too that he won’t change despite your efforts?

    Hypothetically let’s pretend you knew 100% that he was always going to be this. Would you then walk away? It’s almost like asking the question if you knew 100% that a homeless guy will never have the motivation to work and will always just beg people to give them stuff would you still give them a dollar continuously every day you see them? Like there some would say yes and some would say no. Now change the percentage to 90%. Would you do it? That’s up to you of course but it should be pretty straight forward I feel.

    For me personally I am going by his actions and not his words as I always say those are the things you should be basing your decision on. Example, based on what you wrote I personally feel there is too much sympathy bait of sorts in the approach. While it is not as extreme of course, it`s almost like someone getting hit and then the other saying they love them just to repeat the hitting again. If the person said they are doing that to you because of their past hurt would that be acceptable? Again, this doesn’t sound as extreme but in many ways it shares similarities to get the thinking wheels going for you to make a decision as to how much you are willing to take and invest to essentially make him the person you are envisioning in many ways.

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