pisces man personality symbolic
Reader Questions

Am I Pisces safety net, or is he building a long term relationship foundation

Holly Asks:

Hi Alan,

I just want to warn you, and fellow readers, this may be a long message 🙂 I am a Cancerian female.

I met this Pisces man about 5/6 months ago, – through a mutual colleague, not a blind date, but in a professional capacity. He has his own business, as do i, and needed his expertise on computer software. After him delaying and changing dates to meet with me,which i know realise is how he is, not a personal thing, we end up having a 3 hour meeting and its like we have known each other for years, we click immediately, and its full on eye contact and everything, the conversation flows, we have the same interests, even the same cultural background and good, healthy upbringing.. We end up chatting about work and our follow up meeting every week or so, not daily texts, but when we see each other, its nonstop talking for hours.

At our third meeting he says we should go for lunch or something sometime, once he comes back from his trip out of town. So aweek passes and i havent heard from him, but I see on social media he has posted a picture of him an another woman looking very lovey dovey. As a cancerian, you can imagine how this upset me, as i thought we were on a path to something, slowly, but something. Let me add here, i knew he had a very bad break up before, he and his girlfriend of 3 years have been broken up for a year, and she moved on straight away, cheated on him, and he went into a serious depression, couldnt get out of bed and the likes.

Anyway long story short, i say nothing and he comes to our next meeting and brings up lunch again, but obviously nothing was said about the woman. A few weeks later he messaged me and said right, tomorrow lets do lunch, so we did, another 5 hour lunch (of which we split the bill haha so no date) but he ended up telling me about his ex and how she broke his heart, not too in depth, until over the weeks that followed. In the last 2 months, we have been chatting everyday since, sharing images; links; articles on line; his deep feelings, intense stuff, that i love to hear about, because i feel he can tell me this stuff, one day he sends me a message thanking me for listening to him, and allowing him to be vulnerable, and for me to not judge him or criticise him and understand him means a lot!” i should be important right?

So here is my question (finally i know 🙂 Is he building a foundation here for something serious when he is ready, or am i the buffer/safety net to build up his ego. Because i really do have feelings for him, and i don’t want to pressurize him or make it awkward for either of us. But we have discussed everything involving future relationships almost “indirectly” never “you” or “i” its a lot of “we” talk from his side. But why hasnt he made a move or asked me to dinner or a date. When we go out for lunch or meetup, he never takes a picture of us and posts it? He is hiding me, or does he not want people asking questions because he is unsure of how I/he feels?

Just today, what inspired me to ask you the question, a fellow pisces male, who can honestly dissect the situation, he has posted another picture of him and a girl he told me he isn’t interested in, of which i asked him earlier if he is and he said no.. so is he doing it to get a reaction out of me, for me to make the first move, or does he not even know what he is doing to me by posting the pic? I feel like i am good enough to open up to for all his feelings and emotions and help him through this difficult time, but i also don’t want to be
a) friendzoned
b) strung long
c) waste my time.

Am i not good enough to date because i dont play the “chase game” but im good enough for everything else? How is this fair to me? To develop feelings for someone and share such intimate details with me, only for him to share moments i want with him, he has with other woman?

Please help 🙁

Confused Cancerian


Merry Christmas! In some ways I would be inclined to say you are “dating” already. Example, I was a little confused about the splitting the bill part where you consider that as a non-date as a result. Speaking for a person like myself I don’t usually go on “dates” in the traditional sense. With the way I usually only open up to people who I feel are genuine and all just spending time is the “date” in a sense. Of course we can’t jump to conclusions if this is going to turn into a “romantic” thing but if you have the opportunity to spend time while getting to know him and vice versa that can be the date in many ways.

That is also why I usually suggest to people that if you are specifically trying to say build a relationship with a person like myself it’s probably best to go with the activity inviting route. To a person like me anyways classifying something as a “date” is too much pressure to have to give you an immediate answer when it is preferred to learn about you organically and naturally. Now if one keeps rejecting your invites and not trying to find alternative ways to like make up for it then you should be concerned.

For things like the pictures of you two I would say the simple explanation is he is ”unsure” about you at the moment and doesn’t want to commit to giving it attention. Because imagine it doesn’t work out and then he has all these pictures of you two like a close friend or couple of sorts. In many ways it is emotionally “safer” to then just walk away if it doesn’t work.

Now how that makes sense with the other girl can be of either two things I feel. It could be that he actually sees her as nothing more than a “friend” or “colleague” and so the relationship is clearly defined. Or it could be that he is getting closer to her as you kind of implied. But wither way to me it sounds like you are doing fine building the relationship so far even though it may be unorthodox compared to traditional standards.

Now the real question is are you content going at a snail’s pace to find out if this is more or do you want to speed things up per se? If you say you want to speed it up then I would say as usual find some kind of activity that you know that you both enjoy and take initiative in inviting him to it where you kind of know he is free. His reaction to that will say a ton to the point where you don’t really need to stress on how he feels about you. As usual, you shouldn’t ever have to try too hard.


  • Holly December 26, 2016

    Hi Alan, Holly here.

    Merry Christmas to you too, and thank you for replying to quickly!

    I forgot to add, I have met a few of his friends, he has met one of mine, but everytime I ask him to join at a bbq or casual get together to meet my close friends, there is always an excuse. Even the second girl he posted a pic of, he said he couldn’t talk to her like he does with me, she doesn’t listen to him, she is selfish and only talks about herself. Is her drama attractive to him? He decided to be friends with the first girl from the picture, but I heard from a friend that she rejected him, and now he tells me indirectly that he doesn’t think he is meant to be with anyone.

    He always tells me he is so busy with work on weekends and late nights, but does go out with other people, I keep saying to myself we not dating so he doesn’t owe me any explanation really, but after sharing so much, why does he lie about the little things, because that makes me concerned about the big things.. I feel like “what are we actually doing here?”

  • Alan December 26, 2016

    I would say generally speaking it’s not the drama that attracts one to another in this way but rather it’s more likely to be the differences in a sense of making up for what one feels they have a shortcoming of in a way. Example, a quiet person becoming attracted to the aggressive person as they lack that fierce determination themselves or a hot headed outspoken person being dazzled by a calm and tempered person who doesn’t react to their regular behavior where they then want to know more. The only issue I feel is that often times we ignore the values of each person where those could be completely different.

    Here’s the thing with what you wrote too I feel. He may not owe you an explanation per se as you implied because you aren’t like a married couple or anything. But I think you would owe it to yourself to in a way control what you are willing to put out based on expectations. That is a personal preference. Like generally speaking if you feel that you should only be having these kinds of conversations with people who commit to you straight up in a couple’s way then I don’t see the issue personally on you simply not dedicating as much time to him either.

    If I am reading what you wrote accurately where you are specifically inviting him to places and such, which you are positive he enjoys and has time for, where he just flat out lies about availability to avoid it then the straight forward answer I would say it is time to move on. Again, assuming everything you said is correct the attraction simply isn’t there by the sounds of it for him. Therefore you are like in that unsure/gambling phase in many ways. I suppose in many ways you can call that a “friend zone” if you wish thus far.

    If you still wish to pursue him though then you kind of have to find out what it is he feels that like that other girl fulfills him with. Though this is all very dependent if you would only accept him in your life as a couples guy too in many ways. Ultimately why lie about it? I would be inclined to say because he “sees where this is going” and doesn’t exactly want to go there at the moment. But he still wants to spend time with you.

  • Holly December 26, 2016

    Thanks Alan!

    I guess the problem is, I don’t know where i stand with him. And just yesterday, i asked him if he is dating this girl and he said – “No, i’m not ready for any relationships, and she has children from another man, which i don’t think i could cope with. We must meet up soon, i haven’t seen you for ahwile” That to me is confusing.

    I sometimes wonder if he isn’t waiting for me to reveal how i feel about him. He used to invite me around to his house, but he hasn’t lately, I dont know if that was so he could figure me out, or if i didnt see his signs/tests then, and now he is not interested? We never chatted everyday then, but now we do and i dont see him as often? So i don’t know if him getting his ego stroked by all these women is building his confidence and making him feel good about himself, but it makes me feel shitty about myself. I’ve told him my history too, where he has been hurt by one woman, i’ve been hurt by many men just the same, and i’ve told him my insecurities, i have anxiety and don’t speak about myself or my problems easily, but i don’t think he listened at the time, it was more about him getting his “stuff” across.

    If i wanted to tell him how i feel, where i stand, is this something or is it all in my head, how would i start that conversation?

    Thanks Alan,

  • Alan December 27, 2016

    Going back to your comment about him lying about the time availability and all though you do have your answer essentially assuming those are all accurate. Now what do you want to do with it would be the different topic. There doesn’t seem to be anything confusing about that comment too about meeting up. Assuming you are the friend or the person who he feels he can talk to then he is basically fulfilling that need. Similarly the different topic would be what do you want to do with that? Example, give him the support or whatever even though he is just the friend or just walk away as you only want to give that kind of energy in a couple’s relationship?

    From what I gather the talking to each other all the time when you don’t see each other as often makes sense with that too. Example, there are odds that he invited you around his house as a subtle way to tell you to like say naturally drop by whenever to have those chats. You chatting through the phone or Internet now is a perfect substitute for that for the time being.

    If it makes you feel bad then my question based on all the facts and what was mentioned so far then why are you choosing to peruse him as opposed to just living your life and allowing the flexibility for “mr. right” who really wants to be with you to come into your life instead? That could still be him as an example, but I would imagine it is more productive to have a fundamental switch in the way you allow people into your life.

    I am just making a wild assumption here as you said you have been hurt by many men in your life. I would make an educated guess that there is a possibility that the scenarios shared a common trait like say them not dedicating genuine time to you where you consistently gave the benefit of the doubt and still pursued it. Like if that was the case then something needs to be changed up I would say so that you don’t always fall for the same type of guys. You even said to me just now that you don’t even feel he listened to you the first time. So I would ask again why are you continuing with it as a result?

    In my opinion, if he is genuine then you shouldn’t even need to request for like say time to like listen as opposed to simply putting it out there and then see his reaction. Like let’s use the one where you assumed he didn’t truly listen to you. In my personal opinion, if you say he has lied to you about availability and all then what makes you think he would even tell you the truth if you tell him how you feel? I would be inclined to say he will just tell you the things you want to hear or even play it out until you do something wrong after so it can look like it’s all your fault.

    In my view, based on everything you said I would feel basing it on action is better. Example, the next time you speak or whatever specifically share a trial or tribulation you are facing in life. If he doesn’t actually try to proactively help you in any way that he can then in my opinion that is all you need to know in terms of seeing if he is truly there for you too. Even better if you know it’s something that he can indeed help you with. Because again, if what you said is accurate where he has already lied to you multiple times then time to start focusing more on actions and not words.

  • Holly December 28, 2016

    Hi Alan,

    Thank you, I do feel you have a great intuition having read other posts and feedback you give out.

    I think the problem is we go from so close to so far,its always at arms length and I don’t want to bring up the subject because i have my own fears, but the problem is also i’m giving away my power and control over the situation.

    Thank you for all your help, you have been right on most accounts!

  • Alan December 29, 2016

    I wouldn’t know what your fear is exactly of course such as maybe being afraid one would run away if you come off too strong. I suppose the main thing to think about is kind of like a business there is a difference between perseverance in obtaining a goal that is so close versus continually throwing money and resources at something in hopes that it will change. Like in both examples though in theory you should be able to have full control of the situation as long as you are clear on what your personal expectations are as well as how much you are willing to risk if it doesn’t work out per se. Invest only as much as it makes sense many would say where you aren’t like putting yourself in major risk.

    Emotionally I feel it is the same for your situation. Granted it’s harder to look at things purely factually or rationally when feelings and emotions are involved.

  • Holly December 31, 2016

    Exactly that Alan, im so concerned about his feelings instead of worrying about my own. And expectations, when nothing is said, its “assumed” which is the biggest problem. I have been told i come on strong, but i am a strong willed person who goes for what i want, and wear my heart on my sleeve, so it’s like a contradiction/catch 22! Looking back at the men who told me that i come on strong, they were not right for me, i cant “dumb” myself down and not be who i am to ease an insecure mans ego. I’ve done it too long. And if they do run away, i should accept that, and not blame myself.

    I find it hard to move away from the “old habits” of thinking, and previous hurts etc, can consume you, make you scared to take the risk, so it either happens slowly or not at all.

    I suppose we all looking for someone to help us get through it, not save us, but understand where we are coming from, and its better to move on than invest emotionally and expect a “couples” relationship thereafter. But such a bond can be created, and not defining your feelings and emotions can create massive confusion/misinterpretations.

  • Alan January 2, 2017

    This is just my opinion of course, but if the notion is you are going for a strong willed person then realistically you shouldn’t be afraid of coming off strong because that person shouldn’t be afraid of it period but rather embrace it. I feel there is a fundamental difference between coming off as a strong willed person versus an aggressive entitled type. I would only worry about that assuming you were going for a person with my personality type.

    Like just as a hypothetical but very true example even though a person like me may appear to be more on the reserved side if the person knew exactly what she wanted and just confidently came up to me and all that is good as I tend to look deep inside as to what that means. It can represent courage, determination and focus as an example. All wonderful traits and values to have in someone to spend the rest of your life with.

    Now the bad way would be if you were confident in a way where you feel you are above everyone and can get any person you want. So if the person came up to me it’s more in a “competitive” way. Like with that you should be worried as I would walk away as again I would tend to look deep inside as to what those actions really mean. I think you would agree in both examples that is a different kind of coming off strong. In the end if the values are the same then it doesn’t matter how your approach looks/feels as it’s about the meaning of it.

    If you think about it too being yourself isn’t taking a risk I feel. Being someone who you are not is more of a risk as by doing so you are potentially attracting more people who aren’t what you want because realistically you aren’t even being yourself. It makes it harder for the person who would really desire you as who you are to find you too.

    I agree that bonds and such can be created where you need to like express stuff to build upon. Like the above example too I would add everyone can express them differently too. Especially if the person is like me I would say again base it more on the actions.

  • Holly January 3, 2017

    Hi Alan,

    Happy New Year 🙂

    I am the former, i am myself but i also don’t reveal everything about myself upfront until i feel comfortable with the person. In the past, im so used to people only talking about themselves, that i tend to shut myself off because i dont want to look/sound like them, its draining and all they do is turn the subject back to themselves, we all know those kind of people. And we end up being a pushover, or as they say “wow, you are such a great listener”

    He has recently told me that he is confused and too selfish to be with anyone at the moment, but i still see him with this particular woman, very close/intimate together. Yet he still talks to me everyday like nothing has changed. I feel that maybe he is getting his cake and eating it from us all, one for the humor and day to day chats; silly thing; and fantasy/sexual, because as you say its about “actions” which aren’t adding up to the words.

    Its not like i hate him or anything now. I am disappointed though to have shared so much, and to have gone against the exact said important things.

    Anyway, I do hope you have a great year Alan!
    Please do continue to help people as you do, your insight is most helpful

  • Holly May 17, 2017

    Hi Alan,

    So an update. We are closer than before. We see each other all the time, text day and night.

    He seems more open and I know he is telling me things he isn’t telling anyone else, because he has said as much. A lot of personal situations in his past relationships, work, family etc.

    Yet, after spending the last 3 months pretty much together all the time, movies, lunches, dinners etc. We still haven’t brought up the subject of the “next step”

    We both kind of talk around it, but never bring it up as “what are we?” How do I tell him that I have strong feelings for him, and I have for months. Because I feel like he does too, but is maybe scared to tell me in case I don’t feel the same and it makes our current friendship that is all consuming, in a good way, maybe he is scared that will change?

  • Alan May 23, 2017

    I would be a little concerned still about all the times he wasn’t truthful like with the availability. I would say the “sneaky” way to get him to kind of say what you two are is to ask him how he envisions his future per se in a general way and see if he somehow fits your personal values and wants into it. It’s almost like the difference between someone answering questions when they know a camera is on them versus if it isn’t.

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