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Reader Questions

Should I ask him out?

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AZ Asks:

Hi Alan, First, let me Thank you for taking the time to do this site and answer these questions, it’s been very informative insight. My question is pretty simple…should I ask him out or will he think i’m too forward? After reading much of this site, it’s a hard call to make. I understand that he won’t always pursue in a traditional sense something he may want, but I also understand that he may just be being nice and is never planning on asking. Needless to say, this is a very new situation, and we’ve met once and have texted since then.

Nothing majorly deep, but some details about each other. I made the 1st move after our meeting of getting his number and reaching out to him, so normally I would feel like it’s his place to make the next “move”, but again, it seems that may not be the way w/ the Pisces man. Any direction here would be great. I don’t mind waiting either, I’d love to be able to get to know this Man better so even I can decide if we’re a good fit, and I don’t feel that can be done via text. I don’t want to scare him off either.

Thank you again!

AZ

AZ,

I feel the key for you is to not “ask him out” but rather “invite him along” to something where you know you both would enjoy. To clarify, when people say “ask him out” I am automatically assuming you mean a “date” in the sense of going to “grab coffee” and then having two people “interview” each other to see if they match. Speaking for a person with my personality type that is a ton of awkward pressure as I prefer things to happen organically. Assuming I am not busy a person like me would be inclined to say yes anyways which defeats the whole notion that if the guy says yes there then that means they like you in that way. Because there it’s a balance act of wanting to make you happy and not wanting to make you feel like you are being rejected.

With the way I think there really isn’t such a thing as being too forward in the sense of asking to hang out with you or whatever as long as there is a direct reason for it. The issue I feel with a traditional date scenario is that because a person like me is a deep thinker and if I know this is a “date” if you asked me out that way then odds are the person you are talking to isn’t really who they say they are. Example, the girl you bring forward at the date is most likely not the girl you bring forward when you are at home where you don’t feel the need to say impress anyone. So that goes back into the circle of the topic of wanting to see people in a natural way while allowing things to happen organically.

As a funny example of the “invite him along” I am pretty sure you have probably heard all that news about Pokémon Go app right? Let’s assume he is a fan of it and so are you. Or, you just happen to genuinely be interested in trying it out. Like in that case, if you were going to go out and try it anyways and you knew he was into it then like there just ask if he was too. He would probably be super enthusiastic to tag along with you. Then from there you can use that opportunity to “get to know each other” in a natural way as opposed to interview style. Now if you say he flat out rejected something like that with all those factors then that is when you should reconsider I feel.

So hopefully you at least have a general idea of the stuff you both enjoy as the basis to work with. Remember to gauge things like “interest level” based on things like the speed of response too as opposed to things like if he makes the first move.

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7 Comments

  • AZ July 16, 2016

    Thank you Alan…as always, your insight gives me a new perspective. I appreciate you taking the time. Have a great weekend.

  • AZ July 24, 2016

    Hi Again Alan,

    Thought you might be able to shed some light on another confusion….we haven’t gone out yet as the opportunity to casually bring up doing something together hasn’t arisen, but again, i’m in no hurry. My question is this, i’ve read in your posts and you mentioned to base interest in how quickly they respond…well he almost always responds immediately when I text him, and is polite, but definitely not engaging me very often. He has texted me 1st as well, but a majority of the time it’s me. I feel that he has been hurt badly and he has his shields up, almost as if he’s “testing” me to see how much i’ll take before I give up…my gut usually isn’t wrong, but I also have my pride as well. He’s not rude, but I admit it’s tough to be the one making a majority of the effort. I know that’s a little convoluted, but thought you may be able to shed some light. Again, i’m not ready to give up on him, but also don’t want to be bothering him if he’s “just being nice” Thanks again!! AZ

  • Alan July 25, 2016

    Using myself as an example, responding quickly with your scenario means there is a connection of some sort. Out of politeness can still come in the form of replying very late if you think about it. Assuming the person isn’t just busy then that extreme delay in replying though means for some reason your connection with them is weak. If you say it’s still fast then that’s good.

    You are probably not too far off from what you say your gut is telling you in essence. However, my main thought though is that instead of thinking of it like he is “testing you” treat it more as your actions thus far just isn’t hitting the right buttons based on his personal understanding of people in general and what he is observing from you. Because for a person like myself observation is one of the key ways I tend to make decisions.

    With the part of not being engaged in the sense of you giving him a text I would personally say that is only a real bad sign if you know for certain that whatever you were talking about is something he is interested in or is very passionate about. Like in the sense if this is “small talk” then the objective as I would understand it for the most part is you sent that text to stay in touch and replying to you is like re-affirming it`s mutual in terms of maintaining that connection. It`s not in my personality for the most part to read more into that than necessary in the sense of taking a relationship further.

    Same thing with the “how much will you take” angle I would view it more as in you didn`t connect with him yet on the things that he really values. When you say pride I am assuming you mean things like you feeling special enough for a person to want you in a sense. I can’t speak literally for every single person, but if he is a person like me then there is something about one’s life experience that makes them take things slowly or until someone hits something just right in terms of values.

    Think of it like the sense of taste. On a surface level you could argue that determining whether or not one likes a meal is based solely on taste right? But if you think deeper that just isn’t the case. As a wacky example, if something in reality didn’t “smell” too good to the person where it made them not want to just jump in and eat the meal does that mean that food in general is something they hate or don’t need? Not at all as they are just used to things of a certain smell as not something that they would like. However, it could be in reality that dish is actually very good. There are a lot of real examples like that. People say that about a fruit called Durian as an example.

    Now some say that your other senses also play a role into how much someone would want a certain dish where it would actually make it taste better. That is the visual appeal. While that is more psychological, the main point is look at how many different factors you have to work with in terms of how one would perceive a certain dish. Like in the sense of values here, unless you hit all three notes out of coincidence or you just know him that well in terms of what makes him react you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself as to why he isn’t like say jumping all over you in relation to your pride.
    As an example, correct me if I am wrong but a lot of woman in general view “pride” in direct relation to physical appearance. Example, if a guy swarms all over a girl where he asks her out, physically flirts with her and so fourth then to her she feels beautiful. If he “ignores” her or doesn’t seem too “interested” in that way then to her she must not be “physically beautiful” to him in her eyes. You aren’t dealing with a “traditional men’s way of thinking” here.

    Like for me I often meet and see tons of “physically beautiful” woman from a traditional sense. Just the other day I was talking to a person and she seemed extremely “flirty” where in many ways she was so used to getting guys that way it would appear. As she was talking to me though I didn’t respond like how most guys would. Example, I could easily see another guy just grabbing her, hugging her and so forth as again she looked very “beautiful.”

    Like here for me my “button” would be more about seeing that she has say similar values, shares common interests, her ideal lifestyle goals align with mine too, etc. If you were this girl as an example where you are so used to getting guys the “traditional way” then yeah I can see why you would start say self-doubting things like your appearance and all. But if you think about it has more to do with just not focusing on the right stuff.

    Going back to the food example, like in a typical sense a lot of people would focus first on the visual presentation, the smell, and then the taste to see if they like it in a pretty quick way. In contrast I would say a person like me would first focus on the smell. It’s not a quick whiff either. I would probably smell it first and then try and reflect heavily on what it reminds me of. I would then probably taste it a little bit to confirm or deny my initial feelings about it. If it tastes bad to me initially then I would tend to not give up on it yet but rather find ways to learn about the ingredients. If the taste matches my initial analysis then I will take a huge bite like what most people would do from the start. Afterwards I would then look at the visual design of the dish to try and appreciate all the work and such that was put into it. It is a completely different way of handling things.

    Like there I can see how that frustrates people where you would be like “Just take a dang bite out of it already and tell me if you like it” type of deal. But in saying that too most people would probably just immediately dismiss something too whereas a person like me likes to try and understand the whole thing before making a decision to go all in.

  • AZ July 25, 2016

    Thank you again Alan. I guess we’ll just see if it all plays out. I appreciate your insight.

  • AZ July 30, 2016

    Is it appropriate to just ask him if he’s interested in the opportunity of us getting to know each other? I don’t want to bother him, and I feel like I am…his responses have become short, and as I said he doesn’t engage. I understand all the things you say and that I read about pisces taking their time to get to know someone or to decide about someone. My frustration is that I don’t feel you can get to know someone thru text. All of our “conversations” are very benign (“hows the weather?” type small talk). At least for me, I feel that I need to read his body language, face, eyes to really know what’s in his head. I mean I may actually get to know him and decide that he’s not the man I think he is. With all of that said, would you take offense to the question above or be relieved at the opportunity to say no in a civil way, or think it’s too forward to even ask? Thanks again for any insight.

  • Alan July 31, 2016

    I am a little confused as to why you are frustrating yourself out by using the same techniques that you are normally used to as opposed to waiting for a good invite opportunity and such that was discussed. The short responses are expected as I mentioned unless you know it’s something he is personally enthusiastic about.

    Ultimately there is no just one appropriate way to ask someone. It comes down to what do you want in a person? Example, if the guy must be blunt and straight forward to that type of communication per se then it’s probably best you do it right away to weed out people who don’t fit your ideals. Nothing wrong with that in my opinion as everyone needs/wants different types of people. Kind of like saying it wouldn’t really matter if this one person was the perfect “marriage material” guy if what gets you going currently in life is someone who always lives on the edge and in the moment in every way as opposed to planning for the future. Even with that it’s more about your way of thinking and such as people all have different personalities and in a sense mature differently as to what they view as important.

    Now to answer your question if you asked a person like me that, the unfortunate thing for your question is unless there is an extreme conflicting issue with you I would tend to just say yes and keep going even if I am not say happy. I feel this plays a role in the many stories you often hear with people with my personality type who get say “abused” in a relationship. Because many times a person like me would tend to focus in making the other person happy. Factor in that a person like myself rarely asks to learn about anyone so bluntly while the “mysterious” personality usually discourages people from approaching the person in a direct way it’s like an extreme shock if someone just flat out asks question in that way as you completely disrupted their personal process.

    The reason is pretty simple as you placed one in a situation where regardless of what you say there is pressure to in a sense make a decision in a “serious” way. Emotionally I would place it to the equivalent of you coming up to someone and saying “Here is a million dollars. Would you like to get to learn more about my charitable organization?” You can tell them all you want that there is no strings attached and such but for a person like me taking or you offering that million dollars is like a sense of duty after. Unless the person has a personality where it is all about them of course as they can just take it and run. Ideally like for myself I would rather not be put in that position period. Instead, I would rather naturally learn about your company/organization or whatever and make decisions/steps based on if I feel my values align with it. Think of it like a benefactor.

    So overall I don’t think you asking directly is offensive or too forward. If he thinks like me though I personally just don’t feel it’s in everyone’s best interest to do it that way. By the sounds of it, correct me if I am wrong, you don’t have the basis to work with in terms of the things he is passionate about as an example. From my perspective anyways that should be important if you think about it regardless if one sees you in a romantic way.

    Otherwise there is a possibility that you are telling the person who is a “deep thinker” that the only true reason you want to “get to know him” is for like physical attraction reasons as an example. I would imagine at this day and age you would potentially have a ton of options available to find out the things he enjoys as you mentioned you do have basic information about each other. To me that is like the super easy way to gauge interest after. Way easier than the “date” method too I feel.

    Another way I would like to think about it is if you can’t communicate with him in a way that gets him to open up naturally now why would the issue necessarily get better later on? Would remind me of the stories a lot of people write on how they go nuts as the guy isn’t telling them what is wrong and such. Just my opinion of course, but better to learn what gets him going now as opposed to later.

  • AZ August 2, 2016

    Thank you again.

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