What does he want?

16 Comments

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  Suzi February 6, 2016

  Thank you Alan for this wise insight, really I never thought of myself to be taken as something like ‘promiscuous ‘ by other guys. If what you tell me is true then i can understand his hesitation to talk to me again, being the good guy he must be himself, and this might be the reason of my previously failed relationships too.Also i take from your answer that if i want him that bad then i will either have to ‘drastically ‘ change my personality or finish the chase and wait for someone who can take me as I’m? Tough call..
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  Alan February 6, 2016

  You know yourself best. In general, I would imagine your situation is as straight forward as your patience and desire to find true love. Otherwise it then goes into the topic of where we just want “someone” to be there with us and you start to compromise everything you want and believe in just to have “something.”
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  Suzi February 7, 2016

  Hey Alan again thanks for everything. You totally opened my eyes to the situation, i only thought that he might be testing me by avoiding me that how much i will pursue him, but now I understand how I presented myself to him, just a ‘harmful ‘ girl. That was the reason that he didn’t want to do anything with me anymore. Alan I have deleted all his contacts with me, blocked him on fb etc and now I hardly think about him anymore. Thank you Alan from saving me to uselessly follow him. I free feel now ?. You are truely a life saver ?
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  Suzi May 11, 2016

  Hi Alan, its me again. Well i wanted to post further questions about this Pisces guy but I hesitated because I thought i already told you that I have stopped all contacts with him. But here is the crazy part Alan, i cant get him off my mind. Even i met new people, i talked to difeerent people on net too, but my mind keeps going back to him. As i had already blocked him on my Facebook account etc, as soon as i unblocked him and sent him add request again, he immediately blocked my account. Then i tried to contact on his cell number, he blocked me there too. After a couple of weeks i tried to contact him on Facebook from another id, but he recognised me immediately and told me that is blocking me, I even apologised to him from acting stupid or immoral before with him, but he didn’t listen and blocked me again.
  Now two days back while i was checking my Whatsapp application on my cell, I found that he had unblocked me , i was surprised by his action, so i initiated chat with him, he acted surprised and denied that he had unblocked me, he said it might b a coincidence. I believed him anyway and once again i apologised to him for my previous promiscuous behaviour. I told him that there was no one like him where ever I went or tried to meet new people. I told him that he was the best among all. He kept on saying that no he feels that he did wrong too by playing along with me in those dirty chats etc. The next thing i knew i was blocked by him again on whatsapp. So now that he has literally blocked me out of his life.
  I have just two questions from you Alan, 1) was i that bad that he could never forgive me? 2) what should i do next? Try to win him back or forget about him, which is very difficult right now for me, as i feel being obsessed by him. And even if i try to win him back, how should i do it?
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  Alan May 11, 2016

  Based on what you wrote and to answer your first question this sounds like it has more to do with him and an outside factor than you per se. Since this was a very ”sexual” thing that caused this commotion to me I would only imagine myself being like this due to factors like say influence of family culture or say religion. Example, in some family cultures they say things such as if you ever even dare to kiss a girl as a teenager you will get diseases left and right. So one is essentially fighting their natural sexual urge, so to speak, because rationally in their mind they don’t want to get whatever the disease may be. Or it could be as a result of a religion where if you dare to have “impure thoughts” then you will live a life of sin.

  To me, this would make perfect sense to his reaction. So again I don’t think this is so much about what you did specifically where it was “so bad” that someone doesn’t want to forgive you. It’s more about him and whatever factor it is that influences his life decisions. From your message it sounds like you are continually beating yourself up over this too and you shouldn’t in my view.

  I think what you should do next is what I suggested before. That means focusing on yourself and finding out exactly why you are so attached to this guy first and foremost. Have you been able to do that during this time? Example, how much of this would you say is due to the notion of wanting something you can’t have? Or is there something in your life where you feel this is helping to compensate for something else that you aren’t too happy/proud about?

  There is nothing crazy about not being able to get him off his mind. To me anyways that means you have something that is unresolved where you didn’t get the closure that you needed. Like in these types of situations this could lead to people trying to find the “bad” or “negative” things about the other person so that they can use that as closure to walk away. Although, that’s not the best long-term way to do it I feel anyways as again it should come from you understanding yourself very well. Otherwise to me anyways that is like one trying to drown out their emotions where it will pop up again if you don’t learn to deal with it now. In my opinion anyways he sounds like a drug for you at the moment.

  So again, I say let’s focus on you instead. Maybe that is opening up some crazy wounds and all, but I personally think it’s the step you need to take. It’s hard but not impossible.
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  Suzi May 12, 2016

  Alan, I think you are right about the idea that im trying to compensate for the defficiencies in my life by trying to win him back in my life. Now as you said to re-evaluate the reasons why im obsessed with this person, I think he has qualities whoch i don’t have, like he is rational whereas im often aggressive and impatient. He moves slowly, likes slow music, talks slowly, he is kind of shy guy. Whereas im exactly opposite of him in every way. I think with speed of light and am spontaneous. Initially when we talked he said to lets see where our relationship was heading. But then things got all wrong and i lost him suddenly. Yes you are right that I didn’t get right kind of closure. I keep on thinking about different possibilities as why he left, I keep on thinking that maybe if he was with me then I would be world’s luckiest girl to get a guy like him. I felt safe with him in many ways. It hurts me so bad every time he pushes me away. Although the pain is lessening now. Maybe with time i will get over him too.
  Alan based on my personal experience which i got after interacting with so many people, you hardly get a guy so grounded and sensible in your life. You hardly get chance to meet them, but if you loose them, then they are gone forever! ?
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  Alan May 12, 2016

  Here is a little piece I have read before that may be good for you to read as it may be new for you:

  “The Story of Life…

  Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, to teach you a lesson or to help you figure out who you are, or who you want to become.

  You never know who these people may be, possibly your roommate, neighbor, coworker, long-lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger, but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way.

  Sometimes in life, things may happen to you that seem horrible, painful, and unfair, but in reflection, you find that without overcoming those obstacles, you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart. “If you want a rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.”

  Everything happens for a reason, nothing by chance or by means of luck, it happens because it is meant to be. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity, all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road leading to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, yet dull and utterly pointless.

  The people you meet that will affect your life, will be the success and downfalls you experience though out life, they are who will help you create the person you will grow to become, even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are the most important experiences because, “Failure teaches success.”

  If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open you heart, how you must only give to the ones who are worthy of being loyal.

  If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but also because in a way they are teaching you about how to love, have trust and about loyalty. Give them that chance to give and receive what they deserve for and from you. “Everything in life is temporary because everything changes, that’s why it takes great courage to love, knowing it might end anytime, but having the faith that it will last forever.”

  Make everyday count. Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything you possibly can because that may be the only time in your life you will ever have that experience.

  Meet new people you have never met before, talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen to what they have to say, it might teach you something valuable, but always remember who your true friends are, “A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words”.

  Let yourself live, love, and break free, make no boundaries, for you can accomplish anything as long as your heart is into it. This is your life, you run the show! Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a special individual and there is no other out there the same as you. Believe in yourself, for it will be hard for others to believe in you. “If you don’t stand up for something, you will fall for anything”. You are in control and you can create your own life, so take chances, and go out and live it with absolutely no regret. “The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be”.

  Most importantly, if you love someone tell him or her, for you never know what tomorrow will bring. Don’t let one moment pass because it could change you forever. Don’t ever fear life, because “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger”. Learn a valuable lesson in each day that you live. “The rich person is not who has the most but who needs the least”.

  Life is too short to take seriously, so remember to begin each day with a smile…”Never frown, you never know who might be falling in love with your smile.” Everyone who walks through your door will make you happy, some on the way in and some on the way out…but always remember to leave the door to your heart open because you never know what may come your way. Believe in Karma, because what comes around really does go around.”

  Now that you read that here are some of my thoughts with what you wrote. You mention you are often aggressive and impatient. So do you in a sense dislike that about yourself or do you love that about yourself? If you say dislike it why do you dislike it? Are you afraid it is causing you to miss out on things as an example? Do you then feel that someone of the extreme polar opposite can help you change that? Once we understand stuff like this I feel that is when you start to walk into the right direction. Because I feel anyways that guy has very little to do with anything in the big picture as strange as that may sound.

  You just said you think at the speed of light and are spontaneous. I can see a lot of positives in that. Example, that trait can often mean you have an uncanny amount of confidence and passion that makes you great in high pressure situations. Why should it just be you that feels like the luckiest girl? The other person should be feeling like he is the luckiest guy in the world too. Like if I was to use myself here that could mean you would scare away all those people who would tend to take advantage of the fact that I am very giving. So I would and should feel like the luckiest person in the world too in that sense.

  I say focus more on what did this experience teach you about yourself and what you value? You say he is really shy for example where at the same time you said he asked you for nude pics regardless of how angry that made you feel. But because he ignored you that made you give in. In some ways you can say you just compromised your values for him. And what did that result in? Did it bring you two closer? Safe to say it didn’t right?

  So like there maybe this was to teach you where you need someone who truly listens to you in every way for who you are. Despite all the other qualities that you found to be desirable that one value in a sense not only made you feel bad but the person continued to make you feel bad about it. Again, maybe it was a way to teach you to not compromise on your values where the person should love and respect you for who you are. If you have to be and do things that compromises you as a person then you should think I say. If you think about it, what kind of relationship would this be if you had to constantly do things to appease him to be happy with you as opposed to you two just naturally being happy together?

  Don’t think so much of what you “lost” in this experience but rather what you gained from it. That can be knowledge, helping to guide you to meet others who you may have never met otherwise and so forth.
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  Suzi May 30, 2016

  Hi Alan. Thanks for your detailed answer. There is a little update. Last weekend he unblocked me on Whatsapp and approached me again. It was a Friday night past midnight i guess when I received hid misscall on my cel. I was surprised to see his number again. Here is summary of our chat that went on for few hours i guess.
  I ” hi, did you just give misscall to me?”, him” oh i guess my whatsapp have some technical problem, maybe it was done by mistake.” I” oh , ok so how are you doing?” (At that time my sister called me on viber, she lives in another city, so i got busy with her for half an hour or so.) he asked me “what happened? Why are you replying late?”, me”im talking to me sister on fone.” He” does she live some other place?” Me”yes “. Then he asks”how many sisters and brothers you are?”, i answered him to that question. After ending call with my sister i asked him” can i call you? Because I would love to hear you?” Here by mistake i wrote him “I would love to ‘hear’ you ” much to my horror. And he was like” yeah it cannot be a mistake, you really meant to heat me”. I asked him” why do you block me always?” He”obviously because of this ‘heating ‘”. Means that he was not letting go of my mistake. There i trued to divert his attention to other topics like recently somebody was killed in our neighbourhood. For some time i was able to do that. Then i sent him some poetry posts which he appreciated. Then he said his goodbyes, there i told him” please don’t block me again.” He” why?” Me” because i like you a lot, because you are special and unique.” He” funny”.. Me” I understand if you are married already, engaged or commited, then you can block me again, otherwise don’t “, he” funny..”, me” hey, will you marry me” ( that was said by me in lighter tone), him” funnnnyyy…” Me” why funny, let ys meet each others parents ” him” why” me” to get marry “, him” I didn’t say that”, me” lets elope ” him” i detest that, besides why should i marry at all?”, me” so we could love each other?” Him” one could be loved alone too.” Me” i like you because you are sensitive guy and a gentleman, and I feel safe with you “, him” but im dangerous “. Me” no I don’t think so that you are a serial killer or something, i rather learnt many things from you, like how to control my anger, and learnt to be patient from you “, him” haha, right, im a teacher too”.
  Me” please honestly tell me what do you think about my personality?”, him” you are simple, you ignore the circumstances “, me” what do you mean?”, him” do you want to hear praises about yourself from me?”, me”No”
  Then i share with him link of this page to show him that all these months i was really seriously thinking about him. After reading it for sometime, he” by making me read this site, you are indirectly imposing..” Me” no really tell me what do you think about this?” Him” I think Alan is wrong in the end, he should have advised you to end the relationship “. Me”you should read the whole page, Alan did wisely advice me “, he” so what do you want to impose here?” Me” just that according to Alan you are also not that innocent, as you asked me for my nude pics”, him” that was only your fault, you started dirty chat with me.”, me”ok now lets call it a night, we should be sleeping now.” Him” Alone?” , me” yes because now I don’t have any romantic feelings for you left , you killed me by ignoring me for so long.” Him” i already did that”, me ” good night ” him” Alone alone?” Me” what do you mean by that” him” nothing, my application seems to have some technical fault “, me ” ok take care”
  And he didn’t reply after that.
  Alan after reading his conversation again i came to conclusion that it felt like he contacted me just to not feel lonely on a weekend night, or maybe it was kind of ‘booty call’. I was depressed after realising this, then two days later i sent him some really harsh words in text telling him that he was insignificant in every way, that he was undesirable and just a nobody. After reading which he rightly blocked me again.
  Now I feel nothing but only remorse and anger for him. I feel being used by him. I despise him a lot now. ??
• 

  Alan May 30, 2016

  I had a little bit of a hard time trying to follow the chat log you posted, but I think I got the gist of it. The real takeaway out of everything is the conversation about the nude pics again I feel. Like there it sounds like he doesn’t want to take any responsibility for it. A good phrase for stuff like this to remember based on what you wrote is that “It takes two to tango.”

  Your personal conclusion/realization seems to be going back to my original point on how I feel you are that woman that aids him in fulfilling a fantasy of sorts. With that said too I hope you are genuinely spending more time reflecting/answering what I wrote for you above more for yourself as opposed to trying to get “answers” out of him. Otherwise I feel you will continually go into a loop of depression of sorts where everything I am telling you is going to be used more as a “weapon” to say attack him as opposed to a like a solution that will help you recover and be stronger.

  I don’t doubt that it probably “feels” better to do that to people who have hurt you. But at the end of the day that person isn’t going to be there so there is no point I say in trying to constantly swing your sword in that direction. You end up not hitting anything and potentially scaring away everyone else around you as they don’t want to get hit by your sword as well. Instead, focus on yourself to start naturally attracting those who will be a positive energy in your life and find more productive ways to use this experience you have gone through for the better.
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  Suzi May 30, 2016

  Alan, i tried working out your way, but your words were not sinking in, no matter how much i tried. I continued feeling that he stepped on my ego and damaged my self esteem, but I still had some rays of hope left to see him a better person or that Prince Charming that I initially thought he was. So in my own way I gave him another chance, and he proved me so wrong by acting childish and immature for the person he was. So I understood him by my way. Im sorry Alan if you think that i used your words as sword against him. I wanted him to be guilty or maybe confess that he was wrong too, which he didn’t. Anyway im sorry for involving you in this whole mess. Just a crazy way of my operating with him . But thank you for your sincere and kind advices always. And im again sorry if you didn’t like something about me.
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  Alan May 31, 2016

  Maybe there is a little language barrier here as I don’t think there is anything “crazy” about what you were doing as I have seen it plenty of times as an example. As mentioned I know it probably “feels” better with the way you are doing it and my only suggestion was to be careful about that as I don’t think that route will give you the happy ending you are looking for(Which ended up being the case as you say he was still immature about it).

  Of course everyone can choose their own path. But the sword metaphor is going back to what I said above that often times when people don’t get closure they try and say find things about the person to make sense of the situation. And like you just said here you feel you wanted him to maybe feel guilty or confess too which he didn’t. Again, it is your choice but I personally feel you are going in the direction that many people often do which creates that cycle of depression.

  It’s almost like having an itch on an open wound. Feels lovely to scratch it but I am sure most people will tell you that is bad as you may get it infected and make the healing take longer. So it’s like saying try not to focus so much on how something may have intentionally or not created that wound on you while continuing to scratch it. Make your body stronger to fight off the infection faster or find people in your life who can be like the band aid. Talking about it is definitely a good step which you are doing.

  You don’t have to answer those questions to me, but for the part about my words aren’t sinking in the important thing back up top are the parts where I asked you like how you mentioned you feel you are aggressive and impatient. So like there I ask do you dislike that or love that about yourself and why? Again, you don’t have to answer that to me if you don’t feel like it but I feel those are the important things you should focus on as part of the healing process in my opinion.
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  Suzi May 31, 2016

  Yes Alan, I don’t like my impatience self and also my aggression. I guess i liked him because he was reserved, cool and appeared shy. Cool and gentlemen always inspire me the most , as I feel that i lack these abilities. Im spontaneous, but sometimes decisions and actions taken by me too hastily get me in trouble. So when i see a calm person, im intrigued.
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  Alan May 31, 2016

  Why don’t you like your impatient self and your aggression though? Example, what is it do you feel you lost or missed out in life due to it? What kind of things or people do you feel you are say repelling or attracting because of this?

  I know this may be going a bit too deep than you care to share here. But the important thing is to clearly understand this first I feel.
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  Suzi June 1, 2016

  That’s interesting questions Alan. Although i hate to admit this but i did miss many good things in my life because of my spontaneous nature. For example i do not think before I speak, so i make many enemies at home or surrounding often. I get into heated argument or word quarrel with my mother or any authoritative figure easily, which leads me to further trouble. I have lost many friends and good opportunities to make more good friends because of my anger issues.
  In my romantic relationships yes I have quite often terrified the hell out of many guys because of my difficult personality sometimes, but it doesnt bother me much because I know the one tryely meant for me will be able to see my beautiful heart too. Otherwise im very caring for everyone that i love or im near with. I just want to be valued by anyone that im closer with, even if its my own family. I become unforgiving and ferocious when i find someone taking me for granted or being ungrateful to my care.
  To tell you truth as I have a true and sincere heart and soul, although I become irrational some time even unpredictable, but I don’t think i have lost anything which I feel sorry for in my past.
  Yes i like gentle people who are soft and shy, or slow to react to any situation, and people who are wise too, im a sucker for wisdom and foresightedness that i find in anybody. So when i see one, i get obsessed with him.
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  Suzi June 1, 2016

  To add some further information, when i was a teenager i was repelled by people who loved or wanted to get closer to me, and i used to chase people who were never available emotionaly. But things have changed now. Im not attracted to cold people anymore, but if i see someone mysterious, silent with intellectuals then it attracts me a lot. And now people who are too loud, or authoritative or demanding like my ownself repels me.
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  Alan June 1, 2016

  That’s something to kind of think about more I feel. For example, you mentioned that in terms of a relationship you scared a lot of guys where at the same time that doesn’t bother you as you know the person for you will love you for who you are. So is it not correct to say you are happy with who you are and the things you are receiving in life because of it? So like above why be so concerned if any guy in general is gone forever?

  Hopefully that makes sense as I am trying to get very specific here as this should be a very black and white answer I feel. Either you truly are fine with the people that are gone in your life as to what you feel is a direct result of your personality or you are not per se. You might say for like the guy above that was just in the moment, but again why even have that fear or sadness in the first place if you are confident about your direction? I feel like something is missing here. Unless you are distinctively saying there is a difference between your personal and love life in terms of scaring away people.

  Based on what you said about your teenager experience too do you think there is a possibility that one of the reasons you are so attracted to like say the “intellectual” guys is that you have so many deep things that you never talked about to another in a genuine way where when you come across someone that actually sits there and asks you questions to learn about you as an example that it makes you feel love and understood?

  I personally feel anyways it’s important to really understand these little details about yourself so that you aren’t constantly mixing up “love” with just general things that you are seeking. Otherwise it would be like me eating like some artificial food that is actually very bad for me but I love the taste. Like there, if I break it down basically what I wanted is something sweet. It’s not that I actually liked the food itself but rather the taste it was giving out. So knowing that I just need to find something “sweet” where at the same time it’s actually good for me. It can take awhile to understand this too as I would say most people learn to train their brain academically as opposed to emotionally.