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Reader Questions

How to win her heart back?

Sharon Asks:

I have broken up with my girl around 2 weeks ago. To try to get over me she started sleeping with this other guy as she was mad at me. Now 2 weeks later we are talking again and we spoke a lot. She said that she wishes that I am the person to listen to her as I am now.

To give a background our relationship broke because I was neglecting her and partly because I was suffering myself. I know I did wrong, I explained this to her and wrote an email. She told me instantly (this weekend) how beautiful the email I wrote.

I know the way to convince her to come back is to live together. She is telling me first I need to do that if we ever can think about getting back together.

She is telling me to give her space, and to hold on (as I am totally broken hearted), but I cannot take it that she is sleeping with someone else. It is sex at the end, I know, but I don’t want to be the person on the side. She looks for me for everything, to talk about work, emotions, but at the end she is getting in bed with someone else.

She claims that she needs to fix herself first without me. I don’t understand, if I push a bit she will just tell me just move on. But in other instances she just tells me to hold off and that she misses me.

Im confused, I dont want to move on and to lose her, I know we can fix this.

I was going to do a surprise pickup at the airport in 2 weeks, but that is too far away. I am not sure I can hold off till then while she will be sleeping and having fun with someone else in the meantime. I dont know what is fair and what is not and to what extent I should ‘respect’ her decisions without disrespecting myself.

I just feel it that she wants me back but she is afraid I will hurt her or if I will be able to keep my promises or not. Please help me, she is the love of my life. Im afraid that the longer this goes, the longer it will damage me permanently and if we ever get back together it would destroy our relationship.


The feeling I get from what you wrote is that she has some kind of desire that you simply aren’t able to provide and so in order to make up for that you need to be perfect if not better in other things. Imagine there are two parks where one has the best lake and plant scenery and the other has the best animals. While she wants it all basically you are like the lake with plants. Because you don’t have any animals your park it has to be spot on each day otherwise she can easily be tempted to go to the one’s with the animal temporarily.

This would make sense to me rationally especially with the comment about her telling you to move on and hold off. I mean imagine where she really loves animals and hasn’t had the opportunity to see or play with one in a long time. Even though she loves the lake and plants more if it’s not in tip top shape because it’s like winter there now per se it’s only natural to want to walk to the other park. Does she want to be in a park forever with just the animals? Nope. But it’s what makes her feel really good at the moment.

To me I would think with what you wrote the key thing is to in a sense study what it is that she gravitates to when she doesn’t have you to see if you can realistically adapt. At the same time, saying you need to live together as a stipulation of sort makes me think it’s essentially commitment that she is seeking. That doesn’t mean marriage but rather that you are kind of tied down to her in a way that can’t be broken so easily. Most people wouldn’t want to do stuff like that unless they were really sure of a relationship. In that sense you are not far off I feel about her potential fears.

My only concern is that if what you offer her alone isn’t enough then that commitment per se like the moving in is just a temporary bandage. Would be like you working at a job you don’t 100% enjoy where you think you want to go elsewhere but because the company keeps giving you raises you stay. Like there too actually with the analogy I would find out what it is about say a different job that appeals to her so much to see what can be done.

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